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About to give up!!!!

Here's the story. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have three kids ages 7,5,1month. We recently moved from Hawaii (where my husband is from and has never left until now) to Illinois. We have been here for 3 months. And ever since we've been here he has been changing. He started work about 2 months ago and ever since he started work and been hanging out with his good friend from work he has changed only for the worse! Lately he's been coming home 2-4 hours after work because he has been drinking with his co workers. With he has never done. I have a problem with him drinking everyday. So we ended up fighting and not talking for 4 days. Then we talked and I agreed to let him have a beer after work as long as he doesn't take it too far and come home after work. Well then today he comes home 2 hours after work and drank several beers. When he finally answered the phone he came home. So when we start fighting he tells me that because we are here now he doesn't have to "listen" to me anymore. He didn't drink as much when we were in hAwaii because he as making me comfortable. But now that we are not with his family and are with mine he's holding it against me! I'm suppose to just suck it up and let him think he can do whatever he wants ?! No I don't think so! So I told him if he's that unhappy and doesn't care what I think then his ass should go home. I'm willing to book his flight for tomorrow! What do you think? You can't just change a marriage of 7 years because we relocated to another state.  

Re: About to give up!!!!

  • You need to sit down and have a calm discussion together and come to an agreement on what is acceptable behavior. He doesn't just get to disregard your feelings, but on the flip side, you are not his mother, and it is not your place to dictate how many nights a week he can go out and how many beers you will "let him" (in your words) have.
  • Perhaps he's having a difficult time adjusting to living in a strange place far away from his family. You stated that you have lived there for three months, and your family is nearby. You also stated that he lived in Hawaii his whole life and this is the first time he's lived in another state. Adjusting to living in another state can take years. I know this firsthand - when I joined the Navy in 2006, I was relocated from San Diego to Virginia. I'd lived in San Diego my entire life. I've been here for six years, and  it took me about four years to adjust to living here away from my family and build a support system. Be patient. Relocating to another state is one of the top most stress inducing events. 

  • I'm a little confused. Why are you upset? Because your husband goes out for drinks with friends after work? Is he drunk driving or acting aggressively towards you when he gets home? I fail to see the problem.

    I don't think it's cool for him to throw in your face that you all are now living with your family and he doesn't have to listen to you, but do you think that he might be saying that to you out of anger because you keep telling him what he can and cannot do?  

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
  • Sorry to hear! Be honest with him, your roles have switched now and he needs you like you did for Family. Maybe you can agree that not everyday is a "going" out day. He still needs to spend time with you and your children too. Be open and honest, he will probably be upset when you talk to him. It's hard being away from family and coming to a new culture.

     

     

  • Thanks for all your advice. The reason I'm getting upset is because he has never done this. He has always came home after work.the thing that bothers me the most is that he feels the need to drink a couple of beers everyday after work and I don't see the reason why he needs to do that. I personally don't think a father of three kids should be able to have a few EVERYDAY because he works. I'm starting to feel after 7 years of marriage like I don't know him anymore. I know that I'm kind of sounding like his mother but I don't want a husband that drinks everyday. I can't and won't put up with that. I do understand that he misses his family but how much more does he he to change because of that?
  • One beer a day is harmless.

    Several beers a day as a routine is too too much beer.

    He'll also develop quite the pot belly and put on more than a few pounds if he keeps up the beer drinking habit of several a day. It's also a costly little chunk of change to spend in a bar and you guys are a growing family.

    If you have a problem with his drinking, then he has a drinking problem. It would not be a bad idea for him to drop into AA and for you to take a trip over to the nearest AlANon meeting and speak to somebody there; you yourself can also drop into an AA meeting and bounce this scenario off an AA sponsor.

    He can't keep drinking several beers a day. If he refuses, either because he can't stop drinking several beers a day, or because it's to pique you and irritate you, yes, there is a problem.
  • Is there a particular reason you are against his drinking?  Does he have a history of alcoholism?  My boyfriend drinks several beers every night.  I don't have a problem with that.  I would not have a problem if he did Happy Hour with his co-workers once a week (comes home a couple hours late)   Now I WOULD have a problem if he was doing it every night.  That is just plain avoiding coming home.

    I think that is what struck me the most about your post.  Why is he avoiding coming home at night?  I think this is the real issue to address.  Lots of people drink--it doesn't make them alcoholics.

  • image letzgoracing81:

    Is there a particular reason you are against his drinking?  Does he have a history of alcoholism?  My boyfriend drinks several beers every night.  I don't have a problem with that.  I would not have a problem if he did Happy Hour with his co-workers once a week (comes home a couple hours late)   Now I WOULD have a problem if he was doing it every night.  That is just plain avoiding coming home.

    I think that is what struck me the most about your post.  Why is he avoiding coming home at night?  I think this is the real issue to address.  Lots of people drink--it doesn't make them alcoholics.

     

    He just never did that before. He works the graveyard shift so he gets off at 7 in the morning. When he first started this drinking after work he would stay with a co worker at their house till about 10.. So 2-3 hours and then come home. He now is doing it again. He also has a guys night out every other weekend and will stay out til 6am which also makes me upset.  

    I just feel he gets to do whatever he wants. And his attitude lately is it doesn't matter what I say about anything.. How am I suppose to go about accepting this drinking everyday after work thing? I'm not use to it and no he has never had a history of alcoholism. 

  • He just never did that before. He works the graveyard shift so he gets off at 7 in the morning. When he first started this drinking after work he would stay with a co worker at their house till about 10.. So 2-3 hours and then come home. He now is doing it again. He also has a guys night out every other weekend and will stay out til 6am which also makes me upset.  

    BIG problem.

    No need for him to stay out until 6 am in the morning. Something is funky here; the bars close at what in your area, maybe 2 am? Why does he need to stay out all night???

    I just feel he gets to do whatever he wants. And his attitude lately is it doesn't matter what I say about anything.. How am I suppose to go about accepting this drinking everyday after work thing? I'm not use to it and no he has never had a history of alcoholism.

    Doesn't matter what you say?

    Again, unacceptable: he's telling you he's gong to do what he wants and treat you like what, the bad mom?

    I'd give him a deadline to stop what's out of line --- the staying out all night and the excessive drinking --- or he goes. That's what I would do.

    There is no need for him to have several beers a night and no need for all this partying like he's a single guy with no encumberments. And there is no need for him to stay out all night on weekends.

    To me, that means he's giving out a message loud and clear that he wants to live the single guy's life.

  • I am completely shocked that some of you think that going out for several beers, for hours, after work (every single day) is ok. It's not. It's called alcoholism. And whether or not he's stressed and/or depressed about moving, it's not an excuse. Some of you said you can't, or shouldn't, dictate how many beers your husband has or how many nights a week he goes out, but if this was my husband, we'd have a HUGE problem, because I wouldn't be okay with it. It's also very costly! Can't he come home and have a beer? Why does he have to go out? Like a previous poster said, it seems like he's avoiding coming home, which might be where the real problem stems.
  • image KayCee85:
    I am completely shocked that some of you think that going out for several beers, for hours, after work (every single day) is ok. It's not.

     

    THIS!  It is not ok for a married guy with children to go out 5  nights a week with his friends and drink.  He's a father.  How many of you would like to have a dad that was going out every night like a teenager instead of spending time with you? Kids want time with their parents and he's putting his energy into the wrong group of people.  OP has every right to stand up to him.  OP if I were you, I would put my foot down.  I think you are doing the right thing by standing up to him like you are. Also, on a side note, his co workers probably think it's weird that he's going out every night when he has a family at home.  I wouldn't be surprised if he was the topic of some office gossip. 

  • Don't give up now! It sounds like there are several issues going on. However telling him to leave is never a good idea because in fact he may do just that very thing and leave. A person can only be pushed so far. Not that he has the right to leave and walk out on his family but this may happen if you give him a ticket and etc. 

    In this short post you mentioned:

     possible alcoholism (every night)

    the stressor of a new move

    the stressor of a new job

    the stressor of a new baby

    I am sure this is just the very surface of what is going on. It sounds like at this point you need help. Professional help. I would encourage you to reach out to a local church most of whom offer free and sliding scale level counseling by licensed therapists. I would do anything necessary to save your marriage and the father of your three children. Alcoholism is truly a disease and marriage is for sickness and in health.

    Even if he won't go to counseling but you start going this will start to help and give you some real tools to deal with this issue. You can get through this and your marriage can be saved. You may even talk to a local pastor about spending some time in your home. Reach out to some local support groups. 

     

    I am happy to talk with you privately if you want to message me. 

     

    For more info visit my blog: http://shockinglydomestic.com
  • Wouldn't want my husband doing this either. What kind of role model is that for your kids? I would be extremely disappointed and figure he is just like all the others out there who basically put themselves first. When you have a family you have to do what is best for them. What kind of message does it send if their dad is gone till 6am? Maybe give him some questions to think about for why you feel the way you do. The whole "you never used to do this" would be a bit vague in my opinion, I would probably elaborate why I find it disappointing. I know you cant control what he does, but you can control what you do.

    I'd aim it towards how his behavior is effecting your kids, kids are the most important thing. And believe me, this kind of behavior down the road WILL affect them.

    For me, this would be a HUGE issue. Oh man I would be so pissed. People who stay out like that and drink their cares away are the single ones, not the people with responsibilities like he has. He needs to MAN UP. 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • You have a one month old? Does he even help take care of your child????? 
  • image s0nar:

    Perhaps he's having a difficult time adjusting to living in a strange place far away from his family. You stated that you have lived there for three months, and your family is nearby. You also stated that he lived in Hawaii his whole life and this is the first time he's lived in another state. Adjusting to living in another state can take years.

    This, you know how hard it was to move, be sympathetic to a point.  Should he go out every night after work and get lit up-no.  However don't take that too far either, I see nothing wrong with going out after work with someone for a drink or whatever.  He is in a new place and has found a companion.  You are at a familar place and already know people.  Cut him some slack, it hasn't been that long at all seriously.  Sit down with him (not right after he gets home from the bar) and ask him to limit this hang out to a few times a week because you would like to spend time with him after work.  Remember-he is alone in this new world...

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I moved from England to Ohio to be with my now-husband, and we have had arguments, and he's had to tolerate my moodiness while I'm trying to adjust to the place I'm meant to call home.

    It takes time. I miss my family, I miss my lifestyle. I embrace memories of my homeland, the cuisine, photos of my home. I try hard to look at the future, and think of friends I hope to make, as well as the friends I left behind, which make me sad (I miss getting together at the pub by the lake with my best friend Kelly for a drink and a chat, and I miss going to the theme park at the beginning of the summer with my other best friend Donna, and I miss going out on random driving excursions with my friend Mel, etc).

    One of the hardest things has been finding everything on my own. I'd hoped he'd help me adjust to the area, show me where to find places. Instead from the day I came in on the plane, I've had to do a lot on my own such as finding the grocery stores and learning what defines a relatively competitive price, plus getting adjusted to finances. The happiest day for me was finding a library, and one of the first steps, only done the other day, in adjusting to this place, was getting a library card.

    One of the things I'd urge you to do is to be patient and show him around, and show that you care that Hawaii shaped his early life, whether it be one day making some hawaiian drinks for the evening, or finding a restaurant that makes his kind of food. (Cuisine has been a big change). Try greeting him with a hawaiian phrase, such as aloha. Help him to make Illinois a home. Do new things together, things you yourself have never done either, to demonstrate that you two have new things together to discover, and that you're not just getting him to live in the shadow of your life.

    When you are a lost stranger, it's hard to be alone and lost amongst people that know everything about where they are.

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