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issues with name change

My wife and I have been married for about 9 months and, up to this point, she has still not changed her name. I have brought it up several times with her, especially since I told her it would be a lot of work for her with her driver's license, bank accounts, health insurance, etc. I know we love each other and we're in it for the long haul and she's willing to do anything for me, why can't she do this, especially since she came from a 'traditional' family? Should I keep bringing it up or wait it out? 

Re: issues with name change

  • has she given you a reason why she does not wish to change her name yet?
  • she hasn't really given me a clear explanation. she just brushes it aside.
  • What would your reaction be if she were to give you an explanation such as, "The more I think about it, the harder it is for me to imagine calling myself Jane Jones when I've always been Jane Smith," or "I really don't want to be called Jane Smith, I like my name and don't want to change it," or "It's going to be a lot of work to change my name on my driver's license, bank accounts, and health insurance... what if I was just called Jane Smith by friends and family but my legal name stayed Jane Jones?" From your short post, it's clear that you really want her to change her name, that you think this is something she should happily do for you, and that it makes sense for her to want that because it's traditional.  I do think that if she doesn't want to change her name, she should be upfront with you- but I could also see how, if you feel so strongly that this is something she should do "for you," that it could be a lot easier to brush it aside rather than get into an argument.  

    My suggestion is to get yourself to the point where you really want to know the reason behind her not changing her name yet, not for the purpose of convincing her to change it now, but for the purpose of understanding her a little better and knowing her thoughts on the subject.  And then, open the conversation with her again, by saying, "I notice you haven't changed your name yet and we haven't really talked about why.  I don't want to pressure you to do something you don't want to do, but I do want to know your thoughts.  When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here to listen." 

  • I've been married in the ballpark of half a year and haven't changed my name. I haven't had a day off 1) with all the right paperwork in my possession 2) when the social security folks are open. I still intend to, even though it's going to be a huge hassle. It's hard to get excited about it, though. I'm going to have to repay for all sorts of IDs that I already have, and wait in lines for the pleasure?

    Maybe you should offer to go with her to the social security administration and see if that helps.

      

  • image VAgal6307:

    My suggestion is to get yourself to the point where you really want to know the reason behind her not changing her name yet, not for the purpose of convincing her to change it now, but for the purpose of understanding her a little better and knowing her thoughts on the subject.  And then, open the conversation with her again, by saying, "I notice you haven't changed your name yet and we haven't really talked about why.  I don't want to pressure you to do something you don't want to do, but I do want to know your thoughts.  When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here to listen." 

    This.  Sounds to me like she doesn't want to change her name and isn't really sure how to talk to you about it since you seem to expect it.

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  • A friend of mine changed her name, a long time ago now (she's been married for over 15 years) but she did it the easiest way possible--as an ID expired, she got the new one in her married name, so the whole process probably did take her a couple of years.

    Is it possible she is just dreading the red tape and hassle of it, and that it is not that she does not want to change her name? 

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  • It's also possible shes just procrastinating. I JUST got around to changing my name almost 3.5 years after we got married. It wasn't because I didn't want to do it.. but it really is a HUGE hassle. I've easily spent 10 hours running around to different locations, on the phone with credit card companies, and I am not even done yet with everything that needs changing. 

  • It took me over a year, my H didn't care. Why do you? This isn't that big of a deal. 
  • I have no intention of changing my name.  My husband of two years supports my decision and doesn't walk around like he expects it of me.

    Perhaps this is where you are going wrong...

  • It's her name, not yours, and therefore not really any of your business.  If you're so keen on having the same last name, then change yours.
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  • This site has really shown me that couples really don't discuss issues before they get married.

    You say you have brought it up several times, but what does she say?

     Should I keep bringing it up or wait it out?  You should bring it up because obviously it's important to you and let her know that. You've only been married 9 months, so she might not have gotten around to it yet or she might just not want to change it. Either way, she needs to be upfront with you and tell you how she feels.

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  • If she wants to change her name, she'll get around to it eventually.  If she doesn't, who cares?  Stop being a nag.
  • image renegade gaucho:
    If she doesn't, who cares?  

    Who cares? He cares. No matter what the topic of concern is in a marriage, both spouses should be open to discuss it.

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  • It's a pain to change your name and time consuming.  Talk with her, see if it really is just a hassle waiting for the wedding certificate, and then the social security office, then contacting every single bank, and changing every single thing you have in your life.  It's really obnoxious.  If it's just the hassle, ask if you can help.  If she really just doesn't want to change her name, then hear her out, for me I did feel like I was letting a part of myself go when I changed my name.  It's a hugeeee change for some people, I felt like my whole identity changed.
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  • OP, did she ever tell you that she was planning to change her last name, or did you just assume?

    Either way, she knows what she needs to do if she wants to change, so get off her back about it.

  • image NurseRobinson:

    image renegade gaucho:
    If she doesn't, who cares?  

    Who cares? He cares. No matter what the topic of concern is in a marriage, both spouses should open to discuss it.

     

    Sure... but when the topic of concern is someone else's name, then that makes you controlling at best, and more than likely a chauvinist.

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    It's her name, not yours, and therefore not really any of your business.  If you're so keen on having the same last name, then change yours.

    Ditto. And she has every right to keep her name. That doesn't mean she loves you any less. 

  • Sadly, this is something that should have been discussed and agreed to before the wedding.

    There's nothing wrong with expecting your future wife to change her name if that's what you want.  However, there are women that for various reasons don't want to change their names.  At that point one decides if this is something they're willing to deal with or they go off and find someone else to be in a relationship with.

    Sadly, at this point, you're already married.  So your choices are pretty much one of the following: 1) accept it and move, 2) talk to her and find out if it is just the hassle of doing it and offer to help if that's the case, 3) or file for divorce/annulment if this is something you can't accept. 

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  • How in the world is there nothing wrong with wanting someone else to change her name?
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  • My husband changed his last name to mine, because I didn't really want to change mine, he had no emotional attachment to his and it meant that now the name is carried on directly from my Father. Like people have said, if it's a big issue to you, it should've been discussed before you got married. Never assume something just because it's the norm.
    Anniversary
  • Ive been married 8 months now and still havent changed it! My H and I talked about it before the wedding and agreed that I would drop my middle name and add his last name. We both have unique last names so im always spelling it for ppl. I explained to him the importance to me for keeping my fathers name. Changing the name is such a hassel as stated previously. I reside in a new state now after marriage and it would require me taking a least two vacation days from work to get everything squared away. Im just dont have the time yet and Im still getting use to marriage. I still slip and call myself by my maiden name and I have explained to him that I have had that name for 32 yrs and its really hard to change something that is so ingrained into you. Give her some time and be patient. Im very proud of my H but something take a little more getting use to than others!

     

    best wishes 

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