Family Matters
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wedding 2 dads issues

Planning a wedding that deals with 3 families has been interesting at best. There are days I feel more like a fire fighter then a bride to be. I was hoping to deal with this later but it's looking more and more like putting it off is no longer an option. As all of you know I have two sets of parents. I have had two sets of parents for almost 20 years. These two sets of parents (in the nicest words possible) can't stand each other.

The question has come up, who (singular or plural) is walking me down the isle? If I just say my dad, Rich will be hurt and probably irate. If I say both, my Dad will be devastated. I can't seem to win. My dad only has me. Rich has walked Rachel (sister) and Laren (cousin) down the isle. And he still has my sister Charlie, if and when she ever gets married. My dad hasn't had those same opportunities and probably never will. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and it's beyond frustrating and painful. I don't know what to do.

Re: wedding 2 dads issues

  • walk yourself, problem solved!
  • At some point you need to figure out what YOU want and you need to tell all your parents to back off and at like adults. If you don't start doing this, it will probably get worse if/when you have kids. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • You are the bride, it's your wedding and you get to choose who walks you down. Ask them both and tell each of them they are to act like adults who like each other for this one day. Most families will put the crap to rest at events like this. Of course after the wedding it'll be business like usual. 

    You need to remember that you are dealing with adults not toddlers, spell it out for them. 

  • Process up the aisle --- not an isle (that's short for island) -- by yourself, as a PP suggested.

    Or have an uncle, a cousin, your gma or, well, just about anybody you want, do it.

    The point is this: whatever your choice is, both these gents need to put up, shut up, butt out and respect your decision.
  • My half sister will be in this same position if she ever gets married. She is extremely close to my dad (which is her step-dad), but she is her real dad's only child and knows it would hurt his feelings if she didn't ask him. Even though my sister is not engaged, she has already thought about this scenario and plans to have them both walk her. She also plans to have a private conversation with both of them to explain that both of them are very important to her, and that she couldn't imagine either one of them not walking her down the aisle. Your dad should know and understand that Rich has been a big part of your life. Rich should understand that while you're close with him, you still have your father. If they don't understand this, they're being selfish. 

    ETA - I also think that the fact that Rich has other children whom he has walked down the aisle is a non issue. He may have had the chance to walk his other kids down the aisle, but this is his only chance to walk YOU down the aisle. 

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  • I walked into my wedding ceremony with my soon to be husband.
  • Have them both walk you down the aisle. I had my mom and my dad walk me- my dad because of tradition (he's a bit of a douche, but he's still my dad), and my mom because she is my biggest influence and amazingly awesome.

    Make the tradition your own, and choose who's important to YOU. 

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  • Some people do the half the aisle one dad and other half with the stepdad, or both side by side. You mean to tell me that two grown men cannot put their differences aside for one day to make 'their' daughter happy? If not walk yourself.

    What are you going to do about the father dance? Two dances? Half a dance each? Maybe one gets the walk down the aisle the other the dance.

    You've put up with this for 20 years time to tell them to stop. They can put you first or they can stay home. Be serious when you tell them. Turn the table and let them see your feelings matter more than their ego.

  • Anybody that would be "irate" at a decision I made would immediately lose the battle.

    It sounds like you want your biological father to walk you down the aisle. This is a perfectly acceptable choice and needs no justification. Should your SF ask and/or take issue, tell him that while you love and appreciate him, there are other ways he will be involved in the ceremony, but this particular tradition you decided not to mess with. (Maybe he can give a toast.)

    If he becomes irate, end the discussion. "Emotional blackmail" (as Dear Abby phrases it) only continues as long as it works.

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