Trouble in Paradise
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WWYD...

Hubby and I are newly weds. Have been together for 7 yrs.

 I don't know what to do about this..there is a woman he works with and I know they text (just like he does with his other male & female coworkers) - but I found that he deletes some of her messages..

I have been snooping a bit..a few days ago he had maybe 4-6 messages between the two of them abt work stuff that day and no conversation history before that - which is impossible, then yesterday i had his phone and there was no conversation history between them at all. even the convo from a few days ago was gone.

 I don't think he is the type of person to do anything - but why would he delete the convos? He goes to work and comes home at normal times, works maybe a half hour overtime here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. We have many mutual friends, even mutual friends that work at the same place he does...

Am I overracting? I was thinking I should check his phone over the next weeks...if he is deleting them purposely for a reason he is bound to forget..

 

Re: WWYD...

  • If you're concerned and are already snooping, I would look at phone bill which shows how many text messages he sent to her number, he can delete his texts and calls but they will still appear on phone bill.....Idea

    Depending on what you see there will determine your next step when discussing with him. (You can talk to him now but he can tell you whatever he wants. In my opinion, there's a reason for him not wanting you to read them.)


  • It's sketchy behavior regardless...I would confront him directly and ask if anything is going on...don't dance around the issue. You wouldn't be having alarms go off if this wasn't inappropriate, and he KNOWS it's wrong or he wouldn't be deleting stuff and hiding his tracks.
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  • To clarify - is he only deleting messages from her, or is he deleting other messagees from other people to?  I delete my text messages all the time.  I hate a cluttered "inbox". 
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  • That's what I was thinking....while I really don't believe there is anything serious going on between them..maybe they are having discussions about something I wouldn't appreciate they discuss

     

  • Reply to:

    "To clarify - is he only deleting messages from her, or is he deleting other messagees from other people to? I delete my text messages all the time. I hate a cluttered "inbox". " 

     

    Just from this particular person.

    I can see a lot of convo history with everyone else in his messages.

  • Why are you snooping? 

    Well since it's done, I agree with pps and get the phone bill. When you talk to your husband about this, you can compare what he tells you with the phone bill. 

    (if you want to reply to a certain person, you can hit the quote button) 

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  • image NurseRobinson:

    Why are you snooping? 

    Well since it's done, I agree with pps and get the phone bill. When you talk to your husband about this, you can compare what he tells you with the phone bill. 

    (if you want to reply to a certain person, you can hit the quote button) 

     

    Thanks

     I didn't mean to "snoop". Sometimes we ask eachother to send a msgs to our friends, ex. if one of us is driving, etc..and I this just caught my eye and now I am snooping..

  • image starry21:
    image NurseRobinson:

    Why are you snooping? 

    Well since it's done, I agree with pps and get the phone bill. When you talk to your husband about this, you can compare what he tells you with the phone bill. 

    (if you want to reply to a certain person, you can hit the quote button) 

     

    Thanks

     I didn't mean to "snoop". Sometimes we ask eachother to send a msgs to our friends, ex. if one of us is driving, etc..and I this just caught my eye and now I am snooping..

    Oh,ok. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from keeping an eye on it. I hope you find out it's nothing. 

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  • image NurseRobinson:

    Why are you snooping? 

    Well since it's done, I agree with pps and get the phone bill. When you talk to your husband about this, you can compare what he tells you with the phone bill. 

    (if you want to reply to a certain person, you can hit the quote button) 

    I don't actually believe there is such thing as "snooping" in a marriage. You can't snoop if there are no secrets and if you're keeping secrets from your partner, then don't they have the right to wonder why?

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  • What do you do?  You ask him what's up with the texting between him and a female coworker.  Then, you tell him that you do not feel it's appropriate behavior.  You ask him what he would think if you and a male coworker were texting back and forth.  Then, you tell him that you (HIS WIFE) would appreciate him cutting off this texting relationship with a woman other than you.  Period. Done.  Be honest, be straightforward. Communicate what you want.
  • I don't think he is the type of person to do anything -

    Yeah well I didn't THINK my husband was capable of doing anything either until I found his texts between a female coworker became sexual with naked pictures.  He CLAIMED nothing was going on.  I moved out and she moved in right away...yeah, nothing going on huh?  We are divorced now! 

  • Update: I asked him about it last night and he said there was nothing going on between them and that he didn't delete the messages for any specific reason, and that he does delete his messages every now and then. This may/may not be true because I don't keep track of his messages. He said he understood why I would be concerned but that like with his other coworkers he only talks about work.He told me the last messages he sent to her were about a modem that she was trying to install (they work for a telecommunications company) and that that was it - I remember reading these messages. He went on to assure me that I am his wife and would never do anything to ever jeopordize our marriage and that I am fine to read his messages whenever I like and he wasn't upset that I read them in the first place, cause if it was reversed he would be curious too. I don't care that he texts with other women from work as long as it remains work related obviously. I mean we have an amazing relationship with very communication so this was kind of out of the ordinary, but I am content with his reaction and body language so yeah..that is all
  • image ToneGirl:

    I don't think he is the type of person to do anything -

    Yeah well I didn't THINK my husband was capable of doing anything either until I found his texts between a female coworker became sexual with naked pictures.  He CLAIMED nothing was going on.  I moved out and she moved in right away...yeah, nothing going on huh?  We are divorced now! 

     That sucks! Sorry to hear that - you obviously did right by moving on.

     Its difficult to explain why I don't believe he is someone to do anything. He in no way tries to "hide" his phone from me, all his phone displays and FB displays are pictures of the two of us, when we are not at work we are always together, we are very close to eachothers families, we share bank accounts and are open about finances, we have many many mutual friends, we run sports teams together, if we fight its about him playing too much videos games and nonsense stuff like that...

  • image starry21:
    Update: I asked him about it last night and he said there was nothing going on between them and that he didn't delete the messages for any specific reason, and that he does delete his messages every now and then. This may/may not be true because I don't keep track of his messages. He said he understood why I would be concerned but that like with his other coworkers he only talks about work.He told me the last messages he sent to her were about a modem that she was trying to install (they work for a telecommunications company) and that that was it - I remember reading these messages. He went on to assure me that I am his wife and would never do anything to ever jeopordize our marriage and that I am fine to read his messages whenever I like and he wasn't upset that I read them in the first place, cause if it was reversed he would be curious too. I don't care that he texts with other women from work as long as it remains work related obviously. I mean we have an amazing relationship with very communication so this was kind of out of the ordinary, but I am content with his reaction and body language so yeah..that is all

     

    This is what I figured, that he does delete texts in general just to clear up space and this is only the first time you noticed.  I'm glad you don't have a problem here.

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  • I feel a marriage should hold no secrets, if my husband wanted to take my phone and do whatever with it I wouldnt worry because I have nothing to hide. He does not feel the same way which is understandable and I respect that.

    Be very careful with snooping. it can cause a huge rift between you and your husband. be honest and open with him and let him know you're not going to let an emotional relationship start between him and the co-worker.

     

    Sorry to sound so serious. :) 

  • image cutiepie0104:

    I feel a marriage should hold no secrets, if my husband wanted to take my phone and do whatever with it I wouldnt worry because I have nothing to hide. He does not feel the same way which is understandable and I respect that.

    Be very careful with snooping. it can cause a huge rift between you and your husband. be honest and open with him and let him know you're not going to let an emotional relationship start between him and the co-worker.

     

    Sorry to sound so serious. :) 

    I agree with this.

    My first thought was maybe he was venting some of his frustrations to her about your marriage - then deleted them so you didn't see some of the things he was saying. While it's perfectly normal to have someone to blow off some steam to, I don't find it appropriate for him to do it to a female.

    The reason I say this is because I vent through texts to my girlfriends. It's about stuff I can't change about FI, for the past two years he's had extreme back pain that the his docs don't understand, which leads him to not contribute as much as I would like. Telling him over and over again how frustrated I am about it only makes him feel even more terrible, making his disability related depression even worse. So I've learned to vent about it to friends. 

    I agree with being open, honest and transparent about things in a relationship, but sometimes one person's feelings about something that can't change can actually do harm. 

     

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