Family Matters
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Thanksgiving Drama

We live 15 minutes from my in laws and see them twice a week including my BIL his wife and kids. My sister lives 5 hours away my parents(divorced) live and 90 mins away.

This Thanksgiving we are spending half the day with in laws and my MIL's ENTIRE extended family and then traveling 90 mins to my family's dinner. I would like to spend the night, it would have to be on a blow up mattress bc my old room only has a twin bed and DH is 100% against this. I feel bad telling my Dad every time no sorry we aren't spending the night bc I can see his feelings getting hurt. My Sister stays at my Dads with her husband and son for the whole holiday. Tradition used to be my Dad sister and I spending Thanksgiving at my Aunts and going Black Friday shopping in PA. Now my Aunt moved so we are doing it at my Dads. Since I don't see my family very often and honestly my Grandmother is on her death bed in a nursing home I would like to spend the night so Friday I can see my whole family, shop and visit my Grandma before we leave. DH is furious bc I took Friday off from work (even though he knew months ago) now he wants me to work so I can't spend Friday with my family and have no excuse to spend the night. All fine and dandy except my other SIL is home from college and my In laws want to have dinner Saturday and then Sunday is our nephews baptism. SO that means my IL's who I see twice a week get 1/2 Thanksgiving, Saturday and Sunday?! How is that fair? 

Am I blowing this out of proportion?


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Re: Thanksgiving Drama

  • Um, based on this alone, your DH sounds like an a$$.  Why doesn't he want to spend the night and why is he SOOOO against you spending time w/ your family?

    Drive 2 cars- he can go home, you can stay.  Problem solved. 

    But for some reason, I think your DH won't like that idea either.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Is it just because he doesn't want to sleep on the air mattress or something, or is there some deeper issue you aren't sharing?
  • Well he doesn't like sleeping on an air mattress for one. Two, he and my sister had a fight 4 years ago and he still holds a grudge. Lately he has been telling me that he is warming up to my sister and is forgiving her for the mean things she said. She honestly was horrible but it was 4 years ago so to me... time to push it aside.

    I really don't know if there is any other reasoning that he would be so against spending the night. He loves having time with our nephew and he loves my Dad. 

     


    imageMags's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
     
    TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
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    ~Started acupuncture in  May 2014~

    ~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
  • Well, the air mattress is a crap excuse.  He can deal with it for ONE night.

    However- the issue with your sister.  I have had issues w/ my SIL (BIL's long term girlfriend).  I really, really do NOT like her.  I'm civil to her when I see her, but I would be really annoyed w/ DH if he told me to push my issues aside. 

    So - on that front, I can perhaps understand your DH a little more. BUT - this doesn't mean you can't spend the night!  He's not slepeing w/ your sister!  It's about allowing  YOU more time w/ your family.  That's what you need to focus on with him.

    And again, 90 minutes isn't THAT far- take 2 cars so that he can go home if he's really going to drag his heels on this.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I know I would not want to spend the night on an air mattress if I lived only and hour and a half's drive away not to mention the tension with your sister. Saying that, could there not be a compromise of some sort where you go over, return home to sleep at your house and then go on your own the next morning back there to shop and visit your grandma. It is a long drive but not the worst in the world. Then again, I grew up in Los Angeles where traffic sometimes makes what should be 20 minute drives into 2 hour drives one way. 

    Personally, I don't see why your H has a say in whether or not you work on Friday unless it means you are short on bills. It sounds more like he is being unsupportive of your needs not to mention being unable to compromise. Good luck.

  • Thanks all. I really think this is a compromise issue. He needs to see from my point of view that I don't like seeing the look on my Dads face when I tell him we aren't spending the night. The drive is exhausting to do at night and a huge waste of gas and toll money. I'm thinking he will give in and compromise as long as I don't make him shop Friday.

    imageMags's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
     
    TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
    DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
    ~Started acupuncture in  May 2014~

    ~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
  • image Sewilson33:
    Thanks all. I really think this is a compromise issue. He needs to see from my point of view that I don't like seeing the look on my Dads face when I tell him we aren't spending the night. The drive is exhausting to do at night and a huge waste of gas and toll money. I'm thinking he will give in and compromise as long as I don't make him shop Friday.

    this is no excuse to stay the night-you'll use the same gas and toll money driving home the next day.

    so you stay and let your DH go home. he's being an ass.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • image alithebride:

    image Sewilson33:
    Thanks all. I really think this is a compromise issue. He needs to see from my point of view that I don't like seeing the look on my Dads face when I tell him we aren't spending the night. The drive is exhausting to do at night and a huge waste of gas and toll money. I'm thinking he will give in and compromise as long as I don't make him shop Friday.

    this is no excuse to stay the night-you'll use the same gas and toll money driving home the next day.

    so you stay and let your DH go home. he's being an ass.

     I think that she is referring to driving two cars.

  • image Jana711:
    image alithebride:

    image Sewilson33:
    Thanks all. I really think this is a compromise issue. He needs to see from my point of view that I don't like seeing the look on my Dads face when I tell him we aren't spending the night. The drive is exhausting to do at night and a huge waste of gas and toll money. I'm thinking he will give in and compromise as long as I don't make him shop Friday.

    this is no excuse to stay the night-you'll use the same gas and toll money driving home the next day.

    so you stay and let your DH go home. he's being an ass.

     I think that she is referring to driving two cars.

    I didn't take it that way as she didn't say that.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • That seems like a super rude move. I would flat out say you are staying the night. Why in the world would he not want you to see your family???
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  • image alithebride:
    image Jana711:
    image alithebride:

    image Sewilson33:
    Thanks all. I really think this is a compromise issue. He needs to see from my point of view that I don't like seeing the look on my Dads face when I tell him we aren't spending the night. The drive is exhausting to do at night and a huge waste of gas and toll money. I'm thinking he will give in and compromise as long as I don't make him shop Friday.

    this is no excuse to stay the night-you'll use the same gas and toll money driving home the next day.

    so you stay and let your DH go home. he's being an ass.

     I think that she is referring to driving two cars.

    I didn't take it that way as she didn't say that.

    I wouldn't take two cars bc the amount of $ spent on gas for 2 cars to go back and forth is way to high and its over $50 in tolls. I appreciate the advice from all of you. 

     


    imageMags's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
     
    TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
    DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
    ~Started acupuncture in  May 2014~

    ~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
  • image Sewilson33:
    I'm thinking he will give in and compromise as long as I don't make him shop Friday.
    This is kind of a "well duh" moment.  Did you make him go w/ you int he past?  If so, no wonder his reluctance.  There is NOTHING that would make me WANT to go shopping on Black Friday.  If part of the issue is that he thinks he has to go, clearly tell him that no, he doesnt't.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I think your husband needs to compromise. I don't like staying ovenight at my husband's family's house either, but I do it because it is important for him to spend time with his family and they are far enough away that going back and forth in a day is inconvienent ( i love spending time with them, i just don't care for the sleeping arangements). it sounds like you spend a lot of time with his family, it's time for hime to spend some with yours too Smile
  • Eh.

    Sorry, but I'm not sleeping on an air mattress when my comfy bed is only 90 minutes away unless either there is a blizzard outside and the roads aren't driveable or I'm drunk.  I simply can't fault your husband for that.  And you're "compromising" by not forcing him to go shopping with you on Black Friday?  I'd rather poke my eyeballs out than step foot into a store on Black Friday.  For reals.

    He's not telling you that you can't see your family.  He's saying that he doesn't want to sleep on a damn air mattress and then be forced to either sit around your parents' house all day or hang out in the mosh pit that is Black Friday shopping.  I really don't think that he's lacking compassion or reason here, but maybe that's just because I can indentify with him. 

    I think you need to pick your priorities here.  If staying the night and shopping the next day is super important to you, then either suck it up and drive separately or go on Thursday without your husband. 

    The amount of time that you're spending with your family vs his family is sort of irrelevant in this.  He's not saying that he flat out won't go.  He just doesn't want to stay the night, which again is totally reasonable to me.  And even if he agreed to spend the entire day Thursday with your family, it doesn't sound like that's what you want out of this anyway.  You want to be there Friday morning to go shopping, and neither has anything to do with him.

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  • Why does he even have to go? The part where he is telling you to work is confusing since I don't know if it is part of a controlling nature. If you think you would like to spend time to see your Grandma then stay. If you want some traditions with you family and see it as an unfair balance of time spent with his family then you need to address that with him.

    Everything from the grudge holding to the whining about spending the night on a twin bed or air mattress is showing he is making excuses. Spend the money on the tolls stay and let him go home. 90 minutes in holiday traffic after a long day is not ideal and I wouldn't want to drive home. It's more relaxing to be able to eat and drink and not feel in a rush to hit the road.

    I'd rather poke a stick in my eye than deal with shoppers the day after Thanksgiving, but to each their own.

  • Could he sleep on the twin mattress and you sleep on the air mattress? 
  • I have to say I'm with DH here.  It's a 90 minute drive and an air mattress.  No way I'd spend the night either.  DH's family is 2 hours away and we always drive home because it's just more comfortable there.

    I can also see why he wouldn't want to spend the night since his options are sitting around your family's house or Black Friday shopping.  So I can see why he'd be mad that you took time off work and planned on doing that whether he wanted to or not.

    I'd go myself and leave DH at home.

    And ditto PP, how much time you spend with your ILs is irrelevant.  We see my parents more because the live closer.  DH doesn't use that against me as a bargaining chip.

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  • image Sewilson33:

    I feel bad telling my Dad every time no sorry we aren't spending the night bc I can see his feelings getting hurt.

    And to this - your Daddy does realize that you are a grown-up married woman now, right?  And that you only live an hour and a half away, right?

    I'd be annoyed, not sad, if my parents pouted every time I did regular big girl stuff, like drove home to go to bed in my own damn house. 

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  • My in-laws live 90 minutes away.  We spend the night.  However, we also have a bed.  The boys each have their own space.  When my DH liked to stay with BIL, I would have every excuse as well.  I simply didn't like staying there.  Now we stay with MIL and it is much better. 

    As for not wanting to spend the day doing nothing while you shop, that is understandable.  I love my in-laws but I am not a fan of hanging out all day when I could be home.  I did this over the summer, I sucked it up but it was not ideal.  I stayed in DH's hometown with the boys for a week while DH went to work each day.  I won't be doing this again.  SIL's husband stayed home while she and the kids visited.  He came at the end of the week.

    Go home at the end of the holiday.  Go back in the morning alone.  As for your dad being sad that you don't spend the night, you are grown woman with your own home.  My dad says this as well.  I tell him when he wants to pay my mortgage, walk my dogs, and feed my kids then I will be his little girl again. 

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  • image Sewilson33:
    I don't like seeing the look on my Dads face when I tell him we aren't spending the night.

    Skip this part. It sounds really sad and pathetic for you and manipulative on your dad's part. Saying you'd like to spend the night after a big, busy day - and have a day off the next day to do all the things you want to do, is more than enough.

     

    ETA: And I'd strongly consider doing the half day together at his family and then driving yourself the 90 minutes to have round two with your family, a second meal, sleep over and Black Friday fun. It hardly seems like a big deal to suggest DH skip your side, just once, this year. It's not like you aren't celebrating together. And its perfectly fine if he's not interested in the airmattress and Friday plans.

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