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Would this annoy you?

Hi Nesties! I've been peaking around for a little while but had to come post today, I feel like I need a few third-party opinions! So here it is..

My wife and I are newlyweds. Because of busy schedules and living across the country from each other, I only met one set of my in-laws when we tied the knot this past July at their instance to join us during our *entire* week-long wedding trip (even though we had initially agreed they would only join us for a couple of days and leave following the ceremony to give us some time to ourselves!). I should mention that NOBODY else joined us during our trip - it was out of state and we had planned  to elope. Needless to say, my FIL pushed his way in and commandeered the entire week, turning it into a tourist-y, family vacation trip instead of letting us have the romantic week alone that we wanted. I let all of this go, since our wedding was beautiful and in the end we were married (that's what its all about, right?). I get along well with my in-laws, besides being a bit pushy they are otherwise very sweet and kind, and it's a much better situation than most. I thought everything was fine with them, they regularly pass along messages of "I love you" and are up-to-date with our lives, so...

Flash forward to tonight, my wife casually brings up that my FIL called and spoke about her coming to visit with them and her family across the country, even offering to pay for the trip. It's nice and all.... except that he does not mention my name once! Now, let me clarify that I would NEVER expect him to pony up the cash for my plane ride or any other of my expenses - I'm a grown woman! What I find terribly rude is that he didn't even think to ask me to join in the trip. These kind of trips only happen about once a year (if that) and It's not like we've been married for a few years and this is just a quick solo trip to visit with family I've already met. We just got married 3 months ago and aside from them, I've never met any of this other family I am now apart of. My FIL and Step-MIL frequently travel separately, so maybe they don't think it's a big deal - but I find the fact that I wasn't even given the option to be downright rude, especially since he demanded to spend our ENTIRE wedding week with us in the name of uniting as a new family. 

My wife doesn't really see the issue (it is worth mentioning that she is my FIL's only child and a major daddy's girl). My family would never, EVER dream of excluding my wife from any function or trip! So I have to ask... Would this annoy you? Do you think that my being upset is totally unfounded? 

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Re: Would this annoy you?

  • Yes, it would annoy me. What does your wife think about it though? As is often said on these forums, it's not an IL problem, it's a DW/DH problem. She is the one who should be bringing this up to her parents.
  • Agree, she should of said something to them. "What about my other half? Aren't they invited?" 

    They don't seem to be the most thoughtful people when it comes to certain things, like trips and vacations. Most people would be upset if they felt excluded from a family vacation. 

  • typically we nesties would say "you don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem"...here you have a DW problem. She needs to say "we're a unit, you don't get one without the other"
  • Yeah.  This is a DW problem.  Her father came on your honeymoon and he invited HER to come see them and SHE see's nothing wrong w/ any of this.

    SHE is the problem here and until you deal w/ that - none of this will ever go away. 

    The wedding is done and over, but this isn't.  You need to stand your ground NOW with her on this.  Now, that sounds confrontational, but I think this needs to be a conversation.  Start out w/ what you all see for your marriage and travel.  Does she really expect to go see her family every year and you simply don't go? 

    There are many reasons why couples will travel seperately, but at face value - my DH and I really LIKE to travel together and if his family said "come see us", his immediate reaction would be "Let me talk to ECB and see what we can do".  It actually wouldn't even be on his radar that my name wasn't mentioned - HE would assume they mean both of us and he'd immediately talk in that context. 

    The fact that your DW saw this as a "her" thing and that you aren't included and she doesn't WANT to include you....  that is what would unsettle me the most, and that's what I'd be talking to her about. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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  • I would be annoyed and so would my husband. We had this issue with my Mother and some of my friends when we first got engaged. My SIL does it to me some times and it make me furious since we have been married over a year.

    I think you have every right to be annoyed and I do think your wife should bring you along no matter what. I think you need to show your FIL early on that you two are a married couple and will travel together for family functions no matter what their expectations are.


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  • first things first: you need to get over FIL and your wedding week. you could have said no to everything so no one made you do anything. just because they planned something? great! dont go! you planned something else. grow a backbone on thsi one. if you wanted and planned a romantic week then you should've gone along with your plans. but you didn't. you apparently let the family pressure you into whatever.

     as for the visit to the wife: dh and i do travel separately so i dont really see what the issue is with her going and you not going unless of course it's just because you're not invited. you should be. otherwise if she jsut feels like visiting her family for a few days alone really-what's the big deal?!

    i notice you say you've only been married for 3 months so it seems weird to you. well, you dont get a certain 'drama free window of time' just because you got married.

    maybe i'm reading this wrong but you seem to be whining about stuff that you could've done soemthing about but didn't and that seems pretty normal to me but you only gave part of the story. what did your wife say to the invite? did she ask abotu you?

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  • Yes, this would annoy me and yes I would be upset. 
  • Sounds like your wife has a problem putting you first and saying no to her parents. I would have a big problem with that. By the way, I'm also an only child, but I would never hesitate to call our my parents for treating my husband like crap.
  • Thanks for the feedback Ali, but it seems as though you've skimmed my post instead of actually reading it. I've long let my wedding week go, I never mention feeling entitled to a "drama free window" and I clarify (several times, in fact) that the reason I am frustrated is because my FIL did not extend an invitation to me, his brand new daughter-in-law. I *never* said that I have an issue with my wife traveling alone. Also, I highlight the timeframe that we've been married and that I've never met most of her family because it seems that especially as newlyweds I should be included in a family get together. I also stated that my wife does not think its a big deal. Sorry you think I'm whining, but wasn't the point of my post to ask for advice? ;-) 

     

    Thank you to everybody else for your thoughtful responses! :-) I am going to sit down with DW and see if we can find middle ground. The last thing either of us wants to do is create conflict, and I feel that's why she was dismissive. I didn't include this in my original post, but she did initially acknowledge that she felt it was kind-of rude but quickly encouraged me to drop it because it wasn't what she deemed a big deal and (I think) didn't want to have to discuss it with FIL. I should mention too, since I didn't clarify, that DW didn't actually convey whether or not she wanted to even go. We only rehashed the conversation they shared, no concrete desicions. She does not like to travel without me, and I think if it actually came down to making the trip solo it would take some encouraging on my end.  In the end I would never ask DW to skip a chance to visit with family she doesn't see often on my behalf. Thank you all, your insights have made me realize there is a larger issue at play here, and I think its my in-laws continuously over-stepping their boundaries.... FIL can be overbearing, and I feel as though I am not getting the respect or consideration that I deserve as her wife. I don't think DW *sees* it though, as I usually allow it to roll off my back and haven't discussed it with her. We'll be talking! Thanks again :-)

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Here's what I still don't understand - her dad says "come visit". Why can't her simple response be "Let me check w/ DW and we'll see what we can work out"?  Why are either of you waiting for her dad to specifically mention you?  Yes, it would be nice and all that - but he didn't.  But that doesn't REALLY mean anything.

    Now, if HIS response is "oh, well, I didn't mean DW. I meant only you." - THEN you're really talking over the top rude.  And your DW can't really explain it away.

    But this could also be him simply not thinking and thinking "Oh, of course I should mention DW too" but he expects you to come.  OR he's being passive aggressive about it - but once called out on it (i.e. by your DW saying "Let me check and see what WE can do"), he most likely won't say anything at all, realizing his little ploy didn't work.

    Don't over analyze what he says.  If you and DW want to go together, then she should simply respond to him as if "well of course" both of you are invited.

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image EastCoastBride:

    Yeah.  This is a DW problem.  Her father came on your honeymoon and he invited HER to come see them and SHE see's nothing wrong w/ any of this.

    SHE is the problem here and until you deal w/ that - none of this will ever go away. 

    The wedding is done and over, but this isn't.  You need to stand your ground NOW with her on this.  Now, that sounds confrontational, but I think this needs to be a conversation.  Start out w/ what you all see for your marriage and travel.  Does she really expect to go see her family every year and you simply don't go? 

    There are many reasons why couples will travel seperately, but at face value - my DH and I really LIKE to travel together and if his family said "come see us", his immediate reaction would be "Let me talk to ECB and see what we can do".  It actually wouldn't even be on his radar that my name wasn't mentioned - HE would assume they mean both of us and he'd immediately talk in that context. 

    The fact that your DW saw this as a "her" thing and that you aren't included and she doesn't WANT to include you....  that is what would unsettle me the most, and that's what I'd be talking to her about. 

     

     

    I agree. I honestly wouldn't have been as understanding about them joining you on your trip. But this? I would never dream of taking a trip to see my family without my SO. 

  • Yes it would annoy me. I think you should talk to your wife about weather she wants to go on this trip (with you). if she does want to go, and does not want to go alone, she should call her father back and say " Dad, I've talked it over with DW and WE'D love to come out and see you" and see what his response is. I really wouldn't give him the option of her going alone. If she wants to go alone, or if her father comes back with "I only ment you, not her" then you need to have a much bigger conversation about your inclusion in her family. I really hope this is just a misunderstanding of what he said. Good Luck!
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