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cheating.....Am I over reacting?How do I get over this? sorry really long.

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years now.When we first started dating I cheated after 2 weeks.Just kissing at a bar. I had wanted an open relationship at the time and didn't think we were getting serious. We got past that and he forgave me. Then 1 year into our relationship I got an email from a girl, with pictures of text messages he had sent her. It was an old fling he used to have, just a girl he would hookup with after breakups, kind of his fallback girl. The text messages were from the night before when he went out with his friends. They said things like,"I'm sorry please talk to me, I don't know why I always feel this way when it comes to you. Brittany please I love you. Please talk to me.I just wish I was getting as much attention from you as your giving that guy."

I immediatly confronted him about them and just cried as I yelled at him. He said her was sorry and that it meant nothing. He said he was drunk and didn't feel like that about her. He kept saying he loved me but I couldn't be with him so I spent the night at a friends house.

I asked the girl if this was the first time. she said no that they have always talked, mostly as friends but it had recently started to get more serious. He would vent to her about our relationship. Telling her that all we do is argue and fight all the time, that we never have sex and the only reason he stayed with me is because we bought a car together and my parents got him his job. She said that he asked to hangout with her while I was out of town but they never hungout. They hadn't even seen eachother in over a year. So the relationship was mostly just text messages.

I did finally talk to him about everything and told him if he really loved her, I would hold him back from being with her. I want you to be happy and don't want you to think you have to stay with me. He said he loved me and that he wanted to work on our relationship. I asked him to write me a letter on why he thinks we should stay together and why he loves me. I think it really helped and I agreed to stay with him. 

It has been a year now since this happened but I haven't fully gotten over it. Our relationship is a lot better now and we have grown from the unpleasant experience. I just can't help but be insecure about myself now. I caught myself checking his phone and emails to see if he still talks to her, or any girl intimately. I feel horrible doing it but I don't fully trust him anymore. I feel like im expecting him to cheat now. I don't know how to get over this.

I love him very much, but The situation hurt me so much more because he said he loved her.Plus I did so much more when I cheated, but now that we're in love it just killed me.

 If you have any advice please share. =]

Re: cheating.....Am I over reacting?How do I get over this? sorry really long.

  • First of all:

    Open up another account and do NOT use your email address as a screen name: you're wide open to nutcases, spammers, solicitors, spambots and other undesirables. Privacy means everything.

    Your FI is not a great guy. You were not in an exclusive relationship so you did not "cheat" -- wtf? he "forgave" you?

    Methinks you should have run like hell there and then. He's not your lord and master; as it stood as of then, he was a guy you were very casually dating. You should have realized there and then he was bad news and not boyfriend material.

    At one year? That's another story -- when you found out another girl was in the picture, you needed to say goodbye to him. Why do you want a guy who is seeing you and somebody else??? he's supposed to be exclusively dating you.

    How nice of him; he is telling tales out of school...yet you still stayed with him:

    He would vent to her about our relationship. Telling her that all we do is argue and fight all the time, that we never have sex and the only reason he stayed with me is because we bought a car together and my parents got him his job

    How come you didn't say goodbye right there? you like being somebody's second choice?

    BTW, you should have been positively livid that he disclosed anything that happened between you and he. Why is this okay with you? Why didn't you tell him to get lost there and then?

    Get rid of him and do it now. He's not marriage material; he's shown you he is undependable, cannot be trusted, is NOT ready for a committment, cannot keep a confidence and he's probably having sex with this Brittany chick. Most likely he's also very heavily involved with this Brittany, also. And he's still in contact with her; I guarantee you that he's still in touch with her.

    And he told her "I love you." When is enough enough?

    Cancel the wedding and say goodbye. There are too many problems to count in this sad and sorry "relationship." Why are you interested in marrying a guy who has made it clear you are not his one and only?

    PS: a 2016 wedding date, really? Tell me you're kidding. Nobody gets engaged and plans a wedding 4 years in advance.

  • That's a hard one to get over. However, if you both have made the commitment to stay together then I think you should try to work through your trust issues. My suggestion would be to try counseling. It's not just for people on the brink of divorce! ;-) Seriously though, it might be good to work through it with a professional. Perhaps it would give you both the opportunity to work through some emotions and express to each other what you need, and more specifically, how you guys can build a trusting relationship again. Counseling can provide you with a lot of good tools to communicate better, and it could be beneficial to have a third-party give you some unbiased advice. Good luck!
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  • How old are you guys? You sound very young. You need to be with someone that you can trust completely, and you checking his phone and email is inappropriate and shady on your end (would you want him to do that to you?) and you feeling the need to do it is shady on his end. Good thing you're not married yet.

    If you are going to go through with the wedding, you need to get over this, completely. Otherwise you are going to hold this over his head forever and your marriage isn't going to work.

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  • You're underreacting.  You don't trust this guy, and you never will.  Are you aware that there are literally three billion men in the world?  Three billion, most of whom have never cheated on you or told another woman that he loved her while dating you.  Why are you even bothering with this one at all, let alone planning to spend a lifetime like this?  Is this really how you want your love story to go?
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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    You're underreacting.  You don't trust this guy, and you never will.  Are you aware that there are literally three billion men in the world?  Three billion, most of whom have never cheated on you or told another woman that he loved her while dating you.  Why are you even bothering with this one at all, let alone planning to spend a lifetime like this?  Is this really how you want your love story to go?


    The "he forgave me" part was particularly winsome.

    What a guy.

    OP: you have no reassurance Brittany is out of the picture.  Let this jerk go -- you will forever be walking on eggs around him and you'll be under one hell of a sword of Damocles wondering "is he cheating again?"

  • Listen, your gut is trying to tell you something.  It is trying to tell you to run away from this guy.  If you marry him, you will be choosing a life of misery for yourself. 
  • Trust is an important part of marriage and if you cant trust him you may not wanna marry him. I married a man that I didn't trust 100% and we have been married only 1 year and he has cheated at least twice with 2 different women that I know of and has professed his love to a women via text that he introduced to me as only being his friend before we got married. So please take a minute and think things through. 
  • I generally think when both people have cheated before you're even married, and a year after the cheating has ended there are still trust issues, that getting married is a bad, bad, bad idea.

    If I were you, I'd get out and work on rebuilding my self esteem and stay single for a while.

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  • Brittany I love you?

    Geez! Wasn't that enough??? Like they said, do I need to draw you a picture?
  • image Kimbus22:

    I generally think when both people have cheated before you're even married, and a year after the cheating has ended there are still trust issues, that getting married is a bad, bad, bad idea.

    If I were you, I'd get out and work on rebuilding my self esteem and stay single for a while.

     

    I agree with this completely.  He told another woman he loved her.  I don't care if he was drunk.  No man who loves his girlfriend tells another girl that he loves her.  I understand that you have "worked past this" but it's been a year and you still don't trust him.  You probably never will. 

    You need to sit down with him and tell him that you still have trust issues.  Either the two of you go to counseling to work through it or you say your goodbyes.  But I agree 100% with the poster who said you do not get married until you have discussed/gotten past this. 

    And 2016??  Really??  Why are you having a 4 year engagement?

  • Tough one....if yall both wanna work through it...then work on it...prayer and counseling

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