Trouble in Paradise
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Overanalyzing?

DH and I had a big blowup two weeks ago...we spent over a week talking every night for 2-3 hours. The fight was mostly my fault, I have not been a good wife to him and he's been just putting up with it for a really long time. He finally snapped. I've been going to counseling for about 3 months to try to work through some stuff, become a better person/wife, etc. and it's helping but I'm not there yet.

I really wanted to work things out, DH said he didn't know if he had it in him to keep trying. After a LOT of talking and discussion, he agreed to give it some time and see if we could work things out. I'm making a lot of positive changes already and I think it is helping.

He has been avoiding physical contact with me since the blow up, he says he needs time and space to heal becuase I have hurt him so much in the past. I am trying to respect and honor that but it's difficult.

He left Saturday morning to go to Vegas for a work conference, before he left he did kiss and hug me and tell me he loved me so I felt uplifted by that. However, since he's been gone, he has not called once.He has texted these sort of polite texts but nothing any remotely close to what a husband would normally text to his wife while he is away. I tried calling him this morning and he didn't answer but texted a few hours later and basically said he's busy and what did I need. Very cold tone, in my opinion anyway.

I can't help but think that maybe he is cheating on me while he is out there. I don't want to think that because he's always been very trustworthy and I have never suspected him of this in the past but damn, it hurts to think about. I can't decide if I'm overanalyzing or if I am having some sort of gut feeling.

We have a 2 year old daughter and I am 25 weeks pregnant with our second so I am trying to fix this marriage for us as well as for our children. I truly love him but I don't know what to think right now.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

BabyFetus Ticker

Re: Overanalyzing?

  • Very difficult to tell what's going on in his mind.

    Maybe he really is busy with the conference.

    And maybe he really is pissed or something else is in the mix.

    You and he both need to fix this marriage, not just you. He needs to pitch in also.

    You said you haven't been a good wife: what does that consist of?

    And if he was not happy with x, y or z, why didn't he sit down and talk to you about this a long time ago? Instead it came to a boiling point and turned into an explosion.

    Just for that alone, you and he have no communication: the both of you need a counselor -- jointly --- to start working on that.

    For now, let this go.  And when he comes home (don't him anymore; if he needs you, let him give you a yell)  again discuss what's going on between you and him.  Like I said, it takes 2 parties to make a marriage work, not just one. GL.

  • The best way I can explain the reasons it's my fault is that I've just been sort of wandering through my life. I have a lot of issues that stem from my childhood and past relationships that make me feel like I'm not good enough, like I can't do anything, like I don't deserve anything good in my life. All he's been trying to do is make me happy and I've just been ignoring it and sort of doing my own thing for a long time, trying to figure out what's going on in my head and my heart. I think I waited too long to go to counseling for all of this and maybe the consequence of that is my marriage.

    I agree that we need marriage counseling but I can't get to a safe place to talk about our communication because I don't know for sure if he is truly invested in making this work or if he is just saying things because I am pregnant or whatever.

    My therapist observed that I was being a little too rational about the whole situation, thinking about the logistics of a separation and/or divorce and not really being emotional about it. I feel like I have no choice but to think about the logistics of the whole thing because I don't know if he actually means he wants to work it out or not.

    I feel stuck, confused, sad...and I have no idea what I should be doing in this situation.

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • And I believe he has tried to talk to me about these things before, this isn't the first argument we've had over the same issues, I just wasn't in a space to listen and do anything about it. I was too wrapped up in my own emotions and inner turmoil I guess.

    I think this time he finally snapped and I finally snapped out of it and decided that not only did I need to make changes but I wanted to make changes. That hasn't happened before.

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • The best way I can explain the reasons it's my fault is that I've just been sort of wandering through my life. I have a lot of issues that stem from my childhood and past relationships that make me feel like I'm not good enough, like I can't do anything, like I don't deserve anything good in my life. All he's been trying to do is make me happy and I've just been ignoring it and sort of doing my own thing for a long time, trying to figure out what's going on in my head and my heart. I think I waited too long to go to counseling for all of this and maybe the consequence of that is my marriage.

    I do not see how these past issues make you a "bad wife."  Sure, counseling on your own if things are this bad that the past is still bothering you -- but this doesn't make you a bad wife. 

    I agree that we need marriage counseling but I can't get to a safe place to talk about our communication because I don't know for sure if he is truly invested in making this work or if he is just saying things because I am pregnant or whatever.

    You need counseling to get communication into your marriage: there isn't any right now. You need to tell him this straight away when he returns from his trip -- if you don't get any counseling for this problem, these blow ups will keep happening  --and somebody IS liable to head out the door and be gone for good as a result.

    He is not a mind reader. Neither are you. And the 2 of you need to work as a team on everything.

  • I don't think this alone would make you a bad wife at all.   It sounds like you've had a tough past.  Yes you need to take responsibility for your actions, but it sounds like you might be taking ALL the responsibility for your relationship and I don't think you should.  He sounds like a very good person, but everyone has faults and no one is perfect. 

     He might just be trying to get through the pregnancy before making a final decision. But I would say,  "I'm very sorry.  I am taking steps to change myself and be a happier and healthier person.  It will take time, but I'm willing to commit to it and to us.  Are you?"  I am not a limbo person.  So I tend to want to know he's either going to try or not.  Otherwise why delay it?  It would be nice to be able to plan the future, especially since you'll have two kids.

     You do sounds very rational, which is good.  You recognize you have a problem and are taking steps to solve it.  Don't discredit that. And don't let your husband ignore that either.  You are in counseling, which a big step.  

     On another note, have you taken anti-depressants before?  That might be something to consider. Do you think you might have depression which has lead you "wandering through life"?  I currently got back on them (after several years off).  They help a lot with my depression. I'd talk with your counselor and Dr about it. 


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    It sounds to me like your childhood traumas have caused you to have anger issues and take a lot out on your Husband. (Please correct me if I?m wrong) I applaud you for going to counseling and trying to work out your issues.  

     You can?t expect him to be super affectionate with you if you?ve hurt him so bad in the past. Keep working on yourself; there is nothing you can do for your family as long as your mind is in the wrong place. He will come around once you?ve changed for a while, remember we cannot change a person but we can change ourselves.

     You didn?t mention what you did to him to hurt him but I can only imagine it was verbal abuse. OP, are you religious? I recommend going to your church and talk to your priest / pastor about your worries. Go on a couples retreat or counseling, have a long heart to heart with your husband, most men bottle up their feelings but then they explode as it happened in your case.  

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  • I am so sorry.  You sound like me.  I have no idea what my deal is, but I for some reason feel that way you do.  For somereason I feel like I do not deserve good things, like I haven't done anything right in my life that would cause me to deserve a wonderful happy life.  Its sad.  I have a wonderful husband, the greatest man I could have hoped for, I come from a great loving large family yet still, feel lost.  I am happy you started counseling, which I have been thinking of going to for us as well.  I have huge blow ups and make things bigger deals than they are.  Also, feel like when he is acting towards me while away like the way yours sounds, that I too over analyze the situation and think of the worst.  I used tobe a very positive optimistic person,yet have turned into debbie downer all hte time..  Good luck and I think that you have nothing to worry about.  Keep up with your communicating and counseling and I hope it all works out!!!!  Have a happy holiday!!!!

    B

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