Trouble in Paradise
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Confused....Please offer any advice

     My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and have been together for 5 years.  Before we were married, he always wanted to be with me.  About a year ago we started having less and less sex.  For the last week I have been asking him to come to bed with me and he says he is coming but doesnt show up in bed for another hour.  Last night I tried to ask him to come sit by me and he said he would in a minute.  I became frustrated because it just seems like he doesn't want me as much, so I layed down on the couch and was upset with him.  I talked to him about how I was feeling and he said that he wants sex less when I ask him why we don't have as much sex as we did before. He said he wants me still but he is just working really long hours and is really tired.

   After all of this happened, I just said I was going to bed.  In the meantime his mother called him.  His father has been having a really rough time with cocaine addiction and was gone again. His dad is mentally abusive to his mother when he is on drugs and my husband wants her to divorce him.  After he came to bed, I asked him if everything was ok and I tried to hug him.  He replied that he wasn't like me and was upset with me bc he thinks I make a big deal out of little things.  We were getting nowhere and I went in the other bedroom to sleep.  He came in the bedroom when I left and was yelling at me saying he has bigger things to worry about than us right now.  He told me to ** off. He has said this to me once before also.  I ended up leaving and getting a hotel room for the night. Before I left he said if I leave he is going to divorce me. I left anyway.

    I am concerned that he may be following some of the patterns of his father.  After we got married, I noticed he has more of a temper than I thought. Normally, he is a sweet, kind, calm, and loving person.  How should I deal with this?? It is not like him to swear at me but I just can't take people talking to me like that.  I had to take a stand!  Did I go too far by getting a hotel room for the night?

   If you were in this same situation how would you deal with it?

    

 

Re: Confused....Please offer any advice

  • You two need counseling. It's entirely possible that he truly is stressed out right now about work and his parents. However, lashing out at you is entirely inappropriate. Both of you way over reacted on this one. He definitely should not have followed you around the house antagonizing you, but unless you felt physically threatened, leaving the house was not a mature way to handle the conflict. (If you did feel physically threatened, you absolutely did the right thing and that's a whole other issue.)

    Counseling would help him work through his stress and develop more mature coping mechanisms. It would also help you understand better way to have your needs (sexual and otherwise) understood. It would help you both develop proper argument skills. And on the off chance that you're not being completely upfront about your role in the situation, counseling might help you realize when to put yourself second and support your partner.

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  • A great deal is in the mix: he's worried about his parents, he's got long hours...but you're the one who is getting the sh!tty end of the stick.

    Angry or not, he has no right to raise his voice to you and say inappropriate things.

    He needs a counselor to help him cope with the problems his parents are having; it would help him a great deal. Seeing a social worker would help, also.

    And he also would be wise to go to AlAnon, being he's got a father who is an addict. Adult Children of Alcoholics is another group he should check out.

    He also has no right to emotionally blackmail you -- really, he'll divorce you if you check into a hotel for the night? He's in the wrong.

    Counseling for you, too: you're going through rough times.

    And it would be great if the 2 of you could get joint counseling...but would he go? Doubtful.

  • I think leaving to spend night in hotel was taking it too far, I agree with others that you should seek marriage counseling. What happened now that you returned, is he divorcing you?  If he is, he was just looking for excuse to be out of the marriage. 

  • image vpine:
    I think leaving to spend night in hotel was taking it too far, I agree with others that you should seek marriage counseling. What happened now that you returned, is he divorcing you?  If he is, he was just looking for excuse to be out of the marriage. 

     Or it's emotional blackmail or childish scare tactics.

     next he'll hold his breath until he turns blue.

  • I could be off on this but it sounds like he's having a crap time between lots of work and serious family issues and you're picking fights with him because he's not trying to jump your bones every night. Then when he gets angry about it, you go super drama and leave him to get a hotel room. Did you actually feel physically threatened because otherwise I cannot understand paying for a room just because he cursed at you?

    Honestly, if my spouse decided to leave me for the night because we got in a fight when I was going through some awful stuff, i might consider divorcing him too.

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  • image linzica:

    I could be off on this but it sounds like he's having a crap time between lots of work and serious family issues and you're picking fights with him because he's not trying to jump your bones every night. Then when he gets angry about it, you go super drama and leave him to get a hotel room. Did you actually feel physically threatened because otherwise I cannot understand paying for a room just because he cursed at you?

    Honestly, if my spouse decided to leave me for the night because we got in a fight when I was going through some awful stuff, i might consider divorcing him too.

    Agreed.

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  • Thank you all for your advice!  We have talked and realized we both overreacted.  I should be more sensitive toward what he is going through with his family and work.  He also agreed to counseling about his dad and I agreed to go to couples counseling if he would like to.  I never felt threatened by him, just really upset about him swearing at me and blaming me for the pain his dad is causing him.  I have a great husband and we will work through this.  Thanks again for the advice/comments/and suggestions.
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