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Do you think it is wrong...

... to know you just do not want children (maybe just now, maybe never) just because you'd have to sacrifice too much?

I've read that there are not as many posts as before. Maybe it is because we are all floating around exactly the same issue over and over: why we do not want kids or what people keep telling us. But still, for the sake of something new, I will share my thoughts.

I live in a conservative country, women who speak up and say "I'm not thinking about a baby and I don't know when I will think about it" are frowned upon. I'm 26, got married a bit over 2 years ago.

Personally, I feel that I started living my Independence and freedom of adult life after I got married. It's just the kind of family I grew up, all together, not many grants while growing up or dating. There is so much I am doing now that I wasn't able to do before. 

At one point I said I'd settle in my career in the job I have because it would allow me to be a mother. Then I felt miserable because I felt I was settling for less that what I can accomplish. So I switched back to "ambitous career" mode and skipped what I knew was not ready. 

For me, when I think about kids, I feel I am not ready to give up what I want. Neither is DH. Kids are expensive and I am not in the phase I could give them at least the lifestyle I had. I appreciate the effort my parents did, the things they did not do just to give me and my 2 siblings what we needed. I feel selfish, but I still need to do things for me.

Just wanted to share a personal reason. Kind of embarrasing, but it is my truth. 

Re: Do you think it is wrong...

  • I don't think it's wrong at all.  I have some similar reasons as part of my reasons for not wanting to have kids yet or at all.  I personally think that as long as you have reasons NOT to have a baby, and until you have reasons TO have a baby, you should not have a baby.

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  • No not selfish at all! You have a good head on your shoulders and know kids deserve way more then what you are willing to give and to me that is awesome. I look at some parents and wonder why the f*ck did you bother having a kid.

     

     

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  • image jnjmommy0609:

    No not selfish at all! You have a good head on your shoulders and know kids deserve way more then what you are willing to give and to me that is awesome. I look at some parents and wonder why the f*ck did you bother having a kid.



    Yes
  • Nothing to be embarrassed about. I have never wanted kids, neither has H.

    My sister has 4, my H has 4 nieces and nephews, as well as a much younger brother who is young enough to be ours!

    We're fine not contributing to the population and I really think you should really, really want kids if you're going to choose to have them. I understand many pregnancies aren't planned, that's a different story, but we are happy as we are, and I'm 37, don't think it will change! 

  • I do not think it is wrong at all!  I am in the same boat and have basically all the same reasons for not wanting kids, plus I just don't have the desire to be a mother (my dogs are plenty).

    Technically it is selfish, but you are a grown adult and smart enough to admit it.  Like I said I am the same way, I don't want to give up my life just so I can add another person to this crazy world we live in.  Selfish? sure ... Smart? HECK YEAH!

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  • image vanerv:

    ... to know you just do not want children (maybe just now, maybe never) just because you'd have to sacrifice too much?

    Why would it be wrong?

    image bekahdrum:
    Technically it is selfish, but you are a grown adult and smart enough to admit it. Like I said I am the same way, I don't want to give up my life just so I can add another person to this crazy world we live in. Selfish? sure ... Smart? HECK YEAH!

     

    Why is it selfish?

     Why is it any more 'selfish' to choose not to have a child based on your own desires than it is to make any other choice based on what you want?

    I don't want to have a large dog, because I don't want to make all the changes and sacrifices that go along with having a really big animal as a pet - no one says this is a 'selfish' decision.

     I am not an architect or a social worker because I am not interested in becomming one, and don't want to do the associated work - no one calls me 'selfish' for that.

     So why are these same rational decisions magically somehow 'selfish' only when it comes to the choice to parent or not?

    Why is choosing not to have a child because you don't want want one or don't want to deal with the necessary sacrifices any more selfish than not going to law school because you don't want want to deal with the costs/work connected to becoming a lawyer?

    In my opinion, pretty much any argument otherwise, at its core, is based on an unproven idea that having a child is just something that people are 'supposed to' want to do.

     I am starting to get sick of seeing comments on articles where people go "I don't want kids because I am selfish and love my fill in the blank - but it is OK because I own my own selfishness, and really would you even WANT someone as selfish as me having kids?"

    The ever-increasing number of these are starting to annoy me because it seems like  often no-one takles the underlying question - and related assumptions -  of why it is any more selfish to decide not haave kids because you don't want to take on the workand scacrifices involved, than it is to decide that you don't want the work involved with any other possible job.

    In fact I would say it is LESS selfish - if I were to force myself to train as a lawyer against my own wishes, the probable damages if I do a less than stellar job are far less than if I were to do a less than great job in child-rearing.

  • There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you do not wish to have children - ever.  It's a very personal decision and having children is a life changing event and commitment of at least 18 years. 

    DH and I do not want children and I definitely do not feel it's selfish - it's being honest and true to yourselves.  I think it would be unfair to both a child and yourself/DH to have children because society dictates most women do or should want. You'd be doing a huge disservice to all involved.  

    I have been on the receiving end of other women thinking I was crazy or offended all women kind (ridiculous) because we didn't want children...their issue, not mine ;).

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  • I think it is really important that you know this about yourself! So many people have babies because they're "supposed" to, versus being ready to make the necessary changes. I don't want to have a baby right now either. I feel as if I am ridiculously young and have plenty of years to change my mind. Until I no longer feel that way, no babies. Having a baby is a very important decision, not a "happy accident." Don't feel selfish for making a decision to not have a baby. You are being responsible!
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  • It's not wrong at all and I have the exact same reasons.  Sometimes I think about having a child someday, but mostly I am not willing to give up this wonderful life I have with DH.  Why change a good thing that's working?  People, of course, are always going to stick their nose in your business and think they know what's best for your relationship, but I've learned to either ignore them or respond with a snarky comeback :)  Having a baby is an enormous commitment and life change, and there's nothing wrong with having reservations about it.  
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