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In-Laws UGH

Does anyone else still hate their in-laws even though you are now married? I almost think that I didn't know how much I disliked them until after I was married. I feel awful because its my husbands family but I really wish I didn't have to deal with them. Any thoughts?

Re: In-Laws UGH

  • I adore my in laws but my husband isn't a fan of mine. So just a heads up...if your in laws truly didn't do anything horrible to you then it means a lot when you just suck it up and deal with them. 

    My mother and step dad never personally did anything to him but he hates how my mom used to treat me and still gets under my skin these days. That is his reasoning. So when he is willing to just put on his best nice act and be respectful it does truly mean a lot. 

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  • No. They irritated me before and they irritate me now. They irritate DH, too. But we love them anyway. They've family. Sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up.
  • ive always loved my ILs and loved them after we got married almost 7 years ago.

    why do you hate them? what does DH say about it?

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Mine bugged me before, and bug me now.  Bottom line - they're DH's parents and they love us.  We don't seek out opportunity to spend extra time with them and go and play nice when we need to.  
  • I'm never going to love my ILs the way I love my parents. They are just too different from my family, and they do do things that irritate both me and DH. But they mean well, and I will always make an effort to be friends with them so long as they do so. Is there a specific reason you don't like them?
  • image Golden42:
    I'm never going to love my ILs the way I love my parents. They are just too different from my family, and they do do things that irritate both me and DH. But they mean well, and I will always make an effort to be friends with them so long as they do so. Is there a specific reason you don't like them?

    This is exactly how I feel about my IL's. They definitely do a lot of things that annoy me, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they are culturally different than my family, and also they are 20 years older than my own parents....so they have a very 'old world' view on a lot of things.

    There was one very big incident with my MIL like 9 months before my wedding though, which I forgave her for, but will never forget it in my life, so for that, I will never have a super close relationship with her like I do my own mother. That said, I make an effort and so does she. My mother commented once about how she feels bad for my H sometimes because it is clear that he is stuck between 2 very strong women.

    Anyway, not sure what the nature of OP's issues are with her inlaws, but I would say that you need to pick and choose your battles....there are just some things that are simply not worth getting angry about or stressed over. Don't be a doormat to the inlaws, but don't nitpick every little thing they do either. It's just as much of an adjustment for you to have this new extension to your family as it is for them to have an additional 'child' in theirs.

  • I don't hate my in-laws but I'm probably never going to be very close to them. There are some things DHs mom did when he was kid that I don't agree with and she never set a good example for him in how to spend money wisely. But I smile and be nice and try to be a good dil. She will be my kids grandmother one day, and I don't ever want my feelings about her to influence how they might feel about her one day.
    ~Emily~
  • I have been married for 15 years.  I feel about my ILs the way I feel about my own family: mostly I adore them, but sometimes they make me roll my eyes.

    I think many young people get into a cycle of "hating" their ILs for three reasons:

    1) the ILs do things differently and it feels uncomfortable and foreign to have to bend our ways to the ways of a whole other family.  

    2) these people have a strong bond with their child, and it can feel like a threat. 

    3) the new spouse tries too hard to "bond" with the family at first and feels upset when that is rejected. 

    If your ILs aren't being mean or disrespectful to you, but your "hatred" of them is really related to reason 1 or 2, try to take a step back from your feelings.  If you went into his family determined to be "best friends" or "like a sister/daughter" to his family and you were initially rebuffed, just chill.  You don't have to be best friends with them.  Give it time.  Let the relationship settle into whatever level of closeness occurs naturally.

    If your ILs are actually mean and disrespectful to you, then you have sucky, mean ILs, and you can feel free to limit your contact with them and hate them back. 

  • My husband Jason and I are approaching our 1st year anniversary, November 12th and my in-laws are the type that in their case, football games, etc  are more important to them than time with us. Long story short, a couple of months ago, DH's Dad asked us over, but when we got there very little talking occurred and they were watching the game on tv.

    When DH asked his Dad what happened to our time to talk things out, he said "we'll have to do it later,talk to Joanne". She is DH's second step-mom. DH went into the kitchen and asked Joanne about when we could talk, she said "not till after Thanksgiving, you know we have football season."  DH asked about coming over during the week to talk, she then replied "she's busy with laundry, etc. that it wouldn't be a good time".

    We were both hurt and disappointed at this. So I guess I'll just continue to go over holidays, etc and after a little conversation, stare at the tv. Not sure what else to do to rectify this situation. I've thought about writing a letter to them, but figured that won't work either. If they are willing to meet after Thanksgiving, we'll see what transpires then.

    Around my family, Jason has a good relationship with them. He's definitely more at ease than I am around his family. I realize his Dad in particular has major problems with communication and the whole family as well. It's really sad. Jason has tried to talk with his Dad over the years, but the result is always the same- NOTHING. 

     

     

     

  • image neverblushed:

    I have been married for 15 years.  I feel about my ILs the way I feel about my own family: mostly I adore them, but sometimes they make me roll my eyes.

    I think many young people get into a cycle of "hating" their ILs for three reasons:

    1) the ILs do things differently and it feels uncomfortable and foreign to have to bend our ways to the ways of a whole other family.  

    2) these people have a strong bond with their child, and it can feel like a threat. 

    3) the new spouse tries too hard to "bond" with the family at first and feels upset when that is rejected. 

    If your ILs aren't being mean or disrespectful to you, but your "hatred" of them is really related to reason 1 or 2, try to take a step back from your feelings.  If you went into his family determined to be "best friends" or "like a sister/daughter" to his family and you were initially rebuffed, just chill.  You don't have to be best friends with them.  Give it time.  Let the relationship settle into whatever level of closeness occurs naturally.

    If your ILs are actually mean and disrespectful to you, then you have sucky, mean ILs, and you can feel free to limit your contact with them and hate them back. 

    Very well said. I think it's so funny when I read post about "hating ILs" on here when there's really nothing going on, and then you see just as many about annoying and pushy ILs. Poor people can't win. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I didn't try to force anything, was skeptical at times, but tried to remain open, and now I truly enjoy spending time with almost all of DH's close and extended family members.  

  • image WendyGR:
    No. They irritated me before and they irritate me now. They irritate DH, too. But we love them anyway. They've family. Sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up.

    Could not agree more.  My ILs drive me and my husband BONKERS!  But I can't say I hate them, that's pretty harsh.  From time to time they piss us off, hell sometimes I feel like I don't like them very much.  But I get over it and keep on trucking!  They are his family, and I love them because they love him.  And you gotta look at it like, if it weren't for them, there would be no husband.  And that would suck!

  • My inlaws....overwhelm me. Its not that I hate them, but they are just too much for me. However I know they are trying in thier own way.

    Honestly, your inlaws won't change, so I don't know why pre-getting married would be any different then post-getting married, what were you expecting to happen exactally?

    I have an assignment for you if you want to try and have a better relationship with them.

     Every time you see them look for 2 things. One thing you can respect about them, and one thing you can compliment them on (and actually compliment them on it!). I promise if you start focusing on the good instead of the bad, while you still might not like them, you won't feel so strongly about hating them. And remember they are your DH's parents.....for that (and him) alone they deserve your respect and can't have done everything wrong if your DH is wonderful enough to marry!

  • my in-laws how can i put this think i'm faking whats wrong with me and they are drunks and smokers(can't go 10 mins without one)  when they come to vist i try to get them to go somewhere to have fun with there grandson btw they live 2 hours way but as soon as they get put of that car my mil has a rum and coke in her hand and my fil has a beer and they are just sit around drink and smoke and laugh at my son and say things that would make everyone upset b/c its so inapporite (sex and thing that have to do with me). they have to sleep here and the next day they leave as soon as soon as they can not bc of their cats but b/c the next day they are going to kingisland with their daughter other grandson and the bf and they had a lot of running around to do thats how messed up my in-laws are 
  • Sorry you feel that way about your in-laws!!! my husband dad died before we got together but his mom my mil my second mother is aaawwweeesssooommmeee! I mean God has truely blessed with the best mil in the world.

    my h is an only child so I thought he was going to be spoiled and the ultimate mamas boy but i was so wrong lol. Italk to her more than he does which is ok with him because he thinks shes annoying

  • I didn't like mine from the beginning and still don't, it's actually gotten worse. Which I can't say my parents are any better b/c well they're not, they have done my husband and I wrong just as his have done us wrong.

    His dad still bums off his own mom who's in her 70's and still gets her to make his lunch for work. Calls and bums money off of us a lot. His mom is a controlling, selfish, narcissitic person who is two faced. She even starved her own kids and ate in front of them when they were younger.

    My dad doesn't even really talk to me or have much to do with me at all. He just doesn't try to be in our lives. My mom is hypocritical and trying to tell us how we need to do things, even though she can't even control her own life. She is always up my brother's butt and acts like we don't exist.

    We definitely have great examples of how NOT to be when we become parents!

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