Trouble in Paradise
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Our differences

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, but only married two. Right now we are kind of going through a rough patch. I recently gave birth to our beautiful daughter. Since I've been back to work we've had more fights over the same issues then before. For instance, I work in an office. He is a truck driver. Major work environment differences. I respect what he does, but he doesn't respect the fact that things may change in an office setting. I'm not supposed to be on my phone, yet I find myself texting him all day even letting him know when I go to the bathroom. The other day my department had a huge brainstorming session off site and decided to go to lunch. That turned into an all day arguement because I was choosing them over him and "I don't understand how you can work with these people all day everyday and want to go to lunch with them." It go to the point that I just told him no more talking during the day and he just thinks it the stupidest idea ever. My point is, if we don't text all day we will actually be able to have a full convsersation when we get home instead of abosorbing ourselves in our phones and not talking.. I know I can't make him understand how it's different, but how do I help realize we have differences and it's ok to have differences. That we aren't always going to agree on everything, but we can agree to disagree?

Re: Our differences

  • Sounds like he has a crazy jealous streak....that is a big issue that should be addressed.

    Regardless, has he ever met the folks in your office?  That could help him understand your life a bit.

  • You two had an extended argument because you were out of contact for half a day? That's ridiculous. First of all, if he's a truck driver, why the hell is he texting all day? That's seriously dangerous. Secondly, when you're at work, you have a job to do. Contact during down time is fine, but the idea that he has to keep tabs on you to the point of when you use the restroom is seriously controlling.

    Turn your cell phone off the second you walk into the office. Give your DCP your office number in case of emergencies, but not your DH. Retrain him to understand how to behave like a grown up.

    Also - he needs to learn how to pick his battles, and how to admit when he's in the wrong. If this is not something he's picked up as an adult, then perhaps some couples counseling is in order. You've described a couple of real red flags in just a couple of paragraphs.

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  • I have tried time and time again to make him feel at ease about the people I work with. And he has met the people I work the closest with. Which are the people I was with the other day. He won't agree that it's jealousy, but I don't see how else it could be when he has to constantly text me while I'm at work.
  • I am not understanding this dynamic at all but really, when he starts texting you at work you need to send him back a message that says, "I'm at work. I can't be on my phone" and then do not respond anymore. If he wants to fight about it when you get home, fine, but eventually he will get the idea. As for the root of these issues, ditto therapy.
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  • 1. stop texting him

    2. stop responding to his texts

    3. therapy asap

     



  • If he's not the type of man who will admit he is in the wrong, I would definitely suggest therapy. Only an outside voice might be able to convince him that he is being overly controlling.

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  • This goes way beyond having differences.  That you have to let your husband know when you go to the bathroom at work and justify going out to lunch with co-workers is extremely disturbing.  I think you need to be on the lookout for his controlling behavior to escalate and be sure to have a plan to get out if you need to.
  • He seems really controlling. You are at work for crying out loud! He shouldn't be bothering you unless he really needs something, not just to chat! This is a big red flag. Trust me when I say that normal people don't feel the need to constantly harass their spouse at work and get upset if they are busy at the office. You guys need help asap.
  • This is one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, you know.
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  • image srpesw7985:
    I have tried time and time again to make him feel at ease about the people I work with. And he has met the people I work the closest with. Which are the people I was with the other day. He won't agree that it's jealousy, but I don't see how else it could be when he has to constantly text me while I'm at work.
    I get that you've been with him for 10 years, and I get that you have a daughter with him. When my ex's jealousy and control issues (though he'd NEVER admit that's what they were) started seeping into my work life, that's when I saw it for what it was - another attempt to undermine and remove any and all contacts in my life that were outside of his control. Look at your life - are you always wrong? Is he constantly telling you how unhappy he is with you/your choices/your actions? Have your relationships with your own friends and family deteriorated since you met him? Does he display disproportionate emotional reactions to the slightest situation? If you can say yes to any of these things, then you have a serious problem on your hands. I hope I'm wrong here, but typically where there's smoke, there's fire.
    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
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  • he is a controlling jealous man and a BIG RED FLAG should be waving in front of your eyes!!

    Trust me, I have been there and will never return!!!

  • Is he trying to get your fired? Does he mind if you spend time with friends or family? Is he checking on you because he is a big cheater and thinks the best defense is an offense? Also, don't let your DD grow up to think this is normal. I wouldn't want mine to have a guy treat her like property.
  • Tell him to download Temple Run and leave you the F alone. 

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  • As someone who lived in an over-the-road truck for almost a year, i'll just say 2 things. 
    1. It is a lonely life, and I do understand why he seems worried about what you're doing at home and is expressing that by being weirdly possessive. It often feels like the world is just moving on without you out there. 
    2. That aside, txting on the road in a truck is highly illegal, and his company will fire the crap out of him for it. He should be reminded of that. 
    If he can't handle a healthy relationship while having a job that requires him to be away, he should look into other jobs. 
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