H and I got married two months ago, but this is mainly about me. He has been depressed for months. He says that the better things get in his life the worse he feels, and he doesn't know why. He says he thinks about dying a lot. I pushed him to get medical help, and he finally had an appointment last week. He's going to see a psychiatrist to talk about medication, and he's going to keep going to counseling. I think he'll be ok, but obviously he's still pretty depressed.
The problem is that I am depressed too. He has severe ED, which we have tried everything to fix, but we can't have sex like normal people and I know that is a lot of what's behind his depression. Either way, we have barely touched each other since the wedding night. I didn't even want to then, but I did it for him. We have both tried a few times, but I just can't get into it and neither can he. It doesn't go beyond kissing, and even that feels kind of forced. If he goes back on depression medication any libido he has will vanish.
I have been awake and crying since 3:30 this morning. I didn't get to sleep until 1:00 am. I woke up several times during those two and a half hours.
I am in school full time and work 30 hours a week. I have no days off. Between work and school I am doing 60 hours a week, not counting homework (which there is a lot of) and commute time to and from work. It's really hard on me. About a month ago I had a huge anxiety attack at school and just started sobbing about a final that I felt totally unprepared for. My teacher and classmates were there for me and I actually did fine on the test, but it was kind of horrible. I am finished with school in December. so at least there's an end in sight.
I decided a few days ago to go back on my bipolar medication. I have not taken it at all for at least six months, and it was sporadic for a while before that. When I went on my meds the first time I went from 210 lbs to 155 through no effort of my own. Initially it was because it made me extremely nauseated and I lost my appetite completely, but after a few months I was basically back to normal and ate the same kinds of of crap I always eat. But I didn't like the other side effects so I stopped taking it. I went on another drug for a couple of months, but I gained ten pounds on it and it was so sedating that I could barely work. After that I went back to the lithium for a couple weeks, and then stopped taking anything.
I have since gained another 15 pounds. My knees hurt when I walk home from school. I have a lot more aches and pains. I get out of breath walking up hills. None of my clothes fit. People treat me like I'm invisible again. I tried dieting. It took an extreme effort and six weeks to lose five pounds, and I gained it back plus some very quickly. It's pretty apparent to me that I need to be on my meds to stay at a normal weight. My H denies that it makes any difference to him, but it's hard not to feel that way with the way our sex life is going.
Since I started my meds again I have felt completely effing miserable. It will get better, but I know from the past it takes a while. I have been living on saltines and soup and I don't even want that. I am dehydrated because water, soda, anything makes me feel worse and have a headache that will not go away. I have 12 hours of school tomorrow (today?) and will not be getting any more sleep. Sometimes I really resent that I have to take pills that make me sick, give me acne, require blood tests every 3 months, and dry out my skin and hair for the rest of my life just so I can be like everyone else. I'm so tired of it.
I gave up my daughter to her father because of my mental illness at the insistence of my doctor, because I wasn't taking adequate care of her. I could barely care for myself. I do see her sometimes, but it really hurts. He's always dicking me around with visitation, and she hardly ever calls me or answers her phone (that I pay for) or email. In a way things have really improved since I gave her up, but sometimes I just feel awful and like a failure.