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Re: N

  • There is a few brands of herbal chew that is supposed to help with quitting. Has he tried any of those? I feel for you. My husband chews also.While it doesn't bother me it definitely is not attractive. Unfortunately, tobacco is highly addictive and needs to be treated as an addiction. I hope things get better for you!
  • Maybe have him read this, it certainly conveys your feelings about his chewing (or maybe sit down and talk to him by not asking him to quit, but by telling him 'why' you need him to quit: "With the latest occurrance of my 2 year old son getting into the stash and spreading all over, I became physically sick cleaning it all up." and "With all of the connotation to anger and sadness for me during hormonal ups and downs through my pregnancies, I even just barely smell tobacco on him or in his office and become nauseous and so turned off.  I envision him disfigured by cancer.  I see our funds dwindling with apparent selfishness and hate the fleeting thoughts of being alone due to death."

    I may not be the best at giving advice, but after reading this, I totally feel for you. Those words alone are pretty strong reasons for anyone to quit. 

    Good luck Christie! 

    We're newly engaged and so excited to get married!!!
  • My husband smoked when we met, but I wasn't having it. He knew quitting was a part of keeping me around. I helped him quit by helping him break certain habits. First, he couldn't smoke in the house. Then, he couldn't smoke in the car. Then, he couldn't smoke AT ALL in front of me. Eventually, he learned how to NOT smoke in all of those situations. Then he began self weaning. It took about 2 years to be 99% smoke free (I know he occaisionally has one, about once a month maybe). Maybe that type of approach could help your H?
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  • I'm guessing "don't marry a man who chews tobacco" isn't the answer you're looking for.
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  • image zitiqueen:
    I'm guessing "don't marry a man who chews tobacco" isn't the answer you're looking for.
    LOL!  My thoughts too.

    I realize the horse is WAY out of the barn, but this IS part of the problem.  You dated and married and had kids w/ a man who chews.  And you seem to think that YOUR being unhappy about it should be enough to make him quit.

    But... as w/ any addiction, HE has to want to quit if it will ever actually last.  You can't force him to do this.  You seem to know this, but yet you still expect it to be on your timeline.

    All I can suggest is to talk to him about it more.  Don't fight. TALK.  why does he do it?  Does he understand what could happen because of it?  Does he understand the problem of your child finding his stash?  Does he understand the message he is sending to his kids?   Does he WANT to quit?  If he does, what does he need from you? 

     

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  • Would the photos (and postmortem information) of head, neck, gums, soft pallette, tongue, mouth, throat, jaw, sinuses, salivary gland, esophagus, lymph nodes, stomach and thyroid cancer victims drum any sense into his head???

    These cancers are highly aggressive --- likely because there is no serosa w/the exception of the stomach and thyroid --- and wow, can kill you in no time flat.

    The surgery is highly invasive. Look on line to see where they cut you to do the surgery.

    Maybe that would wake him up and how.

    The skinny:

    He is an addict just like any other addict -- and like any other addict, he will not kick the habit unless HE wants to do so.

    No amount of talking or threats or anything will do it: he has to do it for himself.

    Like any other addict, he needs a "rock bottom moment" where it will hit home that he's got an addiction and he needs to quit pronto.

    And I believe that quitting chewing tobacco is tougher than it is if you are a cigarette smoker.

    He could try the patch -- I think it works for a chewer --- call the ACS and see what they can tell you.

    If his chewing bothers you that much, then leave him. Tell him flat out "It's the skoal or me" and if he does not choose you, you know where you stood.

    I am wishing you luck with this. Tough deal all around.

    ETA: good thing your youngster did not ingest any of the tobacco. DISASTEROUS would have been the consequences.

  • One of the girls on my anniversary board suggested I respond on this thread.  My husband is on day 16 of quitting, cold turkey.  He had been doing it for 10 years.  We would argue about it a lot too.  I thought it was so gross.  The smell, the spit bottles, yuck.  Not to mention what it could do to his health!  But none of that got to him.  I'd show him pictures of people who lost their jaw, didn't mean anything.  He didn't understand any of my concerns.  He always told me the more I brought it up, the harder it was for him to quit.  It's true, but again, it's hard to understand.  His comment - if you do bring it up, don't bring it up in a way that's going to turn into a fight.  Don't attack him.  Don't degrade him.  Just make small comments here and there about your feelings about it.  My husband didn't even tell me when he quit.  I just realized it before we went to bed, that he didn't have his usual one after dinner or before bed.  But I didn't say anything, knowing that he just wanted to do it on his own.  He finally told me the next day.  I asked him why he quit, his first comment was "I wanted to".  Then he went into further detail saying the week before he chewed more than ever.  One morning he put one in and it almost made him sick.  He decided that would be his probably one and only chance to give it up.  So he threw out all the unopened cans he had in his truck, and so far so good.  He said it's all about timing.  Nothing I say or did could've made him quit.  He has to want to, or else it won't last.  I kinda rambled there, but my advice to you is to put your faith in him that he can come to the decision on his own.  Try not to fight about it. 

    If he does quit, from my research the best chance of quitting with a chewer and lasting is cold turkey.  The hardest thing he's had to deal with is sleeping.  He can't sleep now.  It'll probably last for about a month.  So make sure if he has any side effects you are there are ready to support him.  I went out and bought him some melatonin, which has helped a little. 

    I'm sorry you're going through this and I completely understand how you feel, and I hope that it works out for you guys.  Just try and take it one day at a time. 

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  • My mother was a heavy smoker for years. Our whole place stunk like smoke. Not to mention the nicotine deposits that got on everything.

    She had this bad cold and i was over there that day. She lit up a butt and i said, "Really? You're going to smoke that cigarette??" She replied that yes, she was --- and we got into this huge fight.

    I left about 15 minutes into the argument and she said that after I left, she went to take a drag out of the cigarette and it tasted awful.

    She said it was like somebody's hand put hers down -- and after that, she never smoked another cigarette again.  QUit cold turkey, no problems.

    About a week later, she told my uncle she quit and how. He laughed... and about 3 3 weeks after that, he quit, out of the blue and he too never smoked another cigarette again.
    PrincessVegan
  • When my brother and I were little, my mom was a smoker.  From what she's told me, she tried and tried to quit but didn't have much luck.  One day, after learning in school about how tobacco was bad, my little brother and I took all her cigarettes and flushed them down the toilet and told her she shouldn't smoke any more. She said it was then she realized that she was setting such a bad example for us, and she quit right then and there.  I know your kids are younger, but maybe frame it as how it's so bad for them, rather than you?  (Even though it sucks for you too!)  Because yeah, if your son had eaten any of the stash, he could have been poisoned.  Acc to WebMD: "Ingestion of as little as 1 mg of nicotine by a small child can produce symptoms such as nausea and vomiting."
  • My Mom is a smoker, she has smoked for years. 

    I was there when she has tried to quit, she has tried a few times and whenever she did something stressful would happen and she'd start up again.  She tried the patch, tried the smoking pill, tried going cold turkey (but then she substituted food and gained a lot of weight, which she lost once she started smoking again).

    Fast forward to now....

    Mom has cut back a lot on smoking, she and Dad have started arguing a bit about it but she says she can't quit yet.  I have faith in my Mom that since she has been able to cut back, she will someday be able to quit.  I just hope she is able to quit before she gets any of the illnesses associated with smoking.

     

    My new grandma-in-law quit smoking within the last 2 years (I think), she told us her trick is that she has a pack in the freezer "just in case".  She said when she tried to quit the first time she didn't have the pack and started up again shortly after quitting.  This time she has been cold turkey ever since she froze her pack.

     

    I told you these stories (they are both positive to me even though Mom is still smoking) to maybe offer some comfort that when your husband is ready he will stop.  Other people wrote stories about people who quit too.  I honestly hope your husband is able to quit sooner rather than later, but until he does maybe praise any little steps that he might take (if he mentions them to you).  That's what I've done with Mom, I tell her how happy I am that she has cut back (and I do it often enough to keep that happy feeling there, but not so often as to be nagging).  

     

    Good luck!!

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  • Thank you so much everyone for your replies and honest insight into my situation. I am having such a hard time being as supportive of a wife I can be through this all right now as I am going though all of the same reasons that my husband says are those that make him chew to cope. I know this is something he has to deal with, but invariably, it ends up involving me when lies and deceit start to come into the situation which have recently arisen. He has revealed some other health and behavior issues that he kept from me that we now are having to deal with as well. Oh my. He told me this morning that our marriage is more important to him than anything and that if he weren't in school pursuing his second career, he wouldn't be chewing. Since we are already so far into into his degree which he says he is doing for me and the kids, he cannot just quit that, and chewing is what has helped him get through to this point. He said that me making him stop now when he is this far is too much and he cannot do both, yet it is so hard to hear him say that he would do anything to save our marriage, but not quit (at least cold turkey which he says is the only way that works). I have suggested just this morning that if quitting is so hard why not try using patches or chew substitutes , but he will not commit to those either and now says that nothing he does is good enough for me. He really feels that if he didn't go back to school for me, he wouldn't be chewing. So, I have ended up feeling some guilt and blame whether or not it was intentional. I believe he's only been able to go one day without giving in and yet he will not seek help or take any advice other than becoming moody and distant, making an excuse to go out, then getting his chew for the cycle to start all over again. He truly feels that he will fail at everything if he doesn't have his chew to calm his nerves, yet doesn't realize how harmful it is on so many levels with his continuance. Issues with self worth are definitely part of all of this, too, as well as a history of alcoholism in the family which he has admitted to playing a part to some degree. Yes, as another poster mentionned about getting myself into all of this....well, that was my mistake, I guess, falling in love with him. Faults and all. But, in my defense, all of these issues were not readily revealed to me until after the deal was done. Nothing like showing our true selves to the ones we love...
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  • You said he is in school pursuing a second career?  How far into his degree is he?  If he plans to quit after his schooling is done, can you support him through that?

     

    When I was going through school, I took note of how many smokers there were when we started the program compared to the end.  The number doubled if not tripled!  I'm saying this because your husband may be a social chewer (if his classmates are chewing, that may put the pressure on him and he may not be able to quit because of that).

     

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this at once (and that he kind of sprung it on you).  Do you guys have any friends/relatives who used to chew/have overcome alcoholism?  Maybe having them talk to your husband may help him.  Just thinking that your husband may be on that standpoint, "You never had an addiction like this so you don't know what I'm going through".  I can imagine that it is very difficult for you as well, but maybe he feels your concern comes off as judgmental?  I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to look at things from his standpoint too.  I'd definitely try to talk to him about his classes (not the chewing), try to support him with that and ease his stress level if you can.  It may help him have less of an urge to chew if his stress level is down.  Also, try to find someone you know who has overcome an addiction and see if they would be willing to talk to him.

     

    Good luck again!

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  • I don't know what to tell you....maybe right before he gets home...get one of his cans of chew...spread it all over the floor, like your 2 year old did it.  Let him discover it!  maybe that will shock him into quiting!?

    Both of my parents are smokers.  Grew up in the 70s.  Stuck in the car with the windows rolled up, two parents puffing away on cigs, with me and my 2 brothers in the back seat!  We litterally choked on the smoke!  Begged and Begged for them to crack or roll the windows down!  We live in oregon where it rains alot!  Now, I am 40!  I have adult asthma!  My parents have lost 4 people to lung cancer because they were smokers.  My dad has been in the hospital multiple times for heart disease. My mother had a stroke on 6/6/2006 IN CHURCH!  She is a roman catholic!  Yet, they both still SMOKE!

  • When I met my husband he hid his smoking from me, he instinctively knew I would not approve. Really I would not stick around, but he didn't admit it to me until we were involved and I had feelings for him. Months into it we were on a road trip, I was surprised and disgusted at how much he smoked, I thought about breaking up with him. I have always been against smoking. A few months later we were surprised to find out we were pregnant. I talked to him about quitting since we we were having a baby. He quit before our son was born. Three years later we got married, thinking he was not going to go back to smoking. Maybe premarital counseling would have helped because I found out he started chewing maybe 6 months into our marriage. I was intollorant of it, I never ever would want to be with someone who cares that little about their health. He quit with the help of chantix. Only for me to find out a year later he is back to it. We now have a second child. I wouldn't marry a smoker or chewer, and I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel very resentful that he has a pattern of going back to it when he gave me the impression he didn't smoke in the first place, let alone that he would chew throughout our marriage. I value health and he is 10 years older than me... I don't want to be left alone because of something that could have been prevented. Its not right for him to hide these things from me. Already he has dental problems due to tobacco use that we can't afford to treat. We struggle to pay bills and yet he goes back to these expensive habits. This isn't something I am OK with at all. I hate it and don't want our family broken up over it... but I can't be in a lifetime commitment with someone who is doing this and buried their head in the sand about the reality of it. If anyone stuck with till the end I would appreciate your comments greatly.
  • edited September 2013
    Wonder how this thread got dredged up and wonder what happened to the OP?
  • KaariE said:
    When I met my husband he hid his smoking from me, he instinctively knew I would not approve. Really I would not stick around, but he didn't admit it to me until we were involved and I had feelings for him. Months into it we were on a road trip, I was surprised and disgusted at how much he smoked, I thought about breaking up with him. I have always been against smoking. A few months later we were surprised to find out we were pregnant. I talked to him about quitting since we we were having a baby. He quit before our son was born. Three years later we got married, thinking he was not going to go back to smoking. Maybe premarital counseling would have helped because I found out he started chewing maybe 6 months into our marriage. I was intollorant of it, I never ever would want to be with someone who cares that little about their health. He quit with the help of chantix. Only for me to find out a year later he is back to it. We now have a second child. I wouldn't marry a smoker or chewer, and I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel very resentful that he has a pattern of going back to it when he gave me the impression he didn't smoke in the first place, let alone that he would chew throughout our marriage. I value health and he is 10 years older than me... I don't want to be left alone because of something that could have been prevented. Its not right for him to hide these things from me. Already he has dental problems due to tobacco use that we can't afford to treat. We struggle to pay bills and yet he goes back to these expensive habits. This isn't something I am OK with at all. I hate it and don't want our family broken up over it... but I can't be in a lifetime commitment with someone who is doing this and buried their head in the sand about the reality of it. If anyone stuck with till the end I would appreciate your comments greatly.
    Then you know what to do.

    If his habit is so horrific and it is positively something you cannot live with or tolerate, then make him cjhoose:

    You and the kids or the tobacco.

    Either that, or you have to face facts that he will most likely remain a tobacco user.

    I myself wouldn't tolearate it. Your choice will have to be up to you.

    As an aside: I never could figure out why somebody would have a child with an SO minus the "legs" of a marriage. And a marriage that is a few years old and a few years strong.
  • If you knew before hand I have to say tough luck. You shouldn't marry someone unless you can accept them. It's not like their magically going to change after marriage. If you can't stand the tobacco, then you should have left him. 

    My dad chews and my mom hates it, she managed to get him to quite for quite a long time (she bought him tons of gum), but after my grandma died, he began chewing again. She knew he chewed when she married him though so I'm on the "tough luck" side in that case. He knows it's bad, but so do smokers, and they do it anyway. It's hard to quit. My grandma smoked till she died, despite my grandpa's repeated attempts to throw away her cigarettes, funny thing is, he chews too!

    However, my dad was better at hiding it, because I didn't find out about till like High School.
  • kannf1982kannf1982 member
    Seventh Anniversary 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited September 2013
    It's not as easy as giving a person an ultimatum.  People shouldn't SERIOUSLY expect you to end your marriage over this...in the event you said me and the kids or tobacco and he said tobacco. 

    Why? If you said this he probably wouldn't believe it and you'de have to put yourself through (at the very least) several weeks of torture and moving out (or having him move out) and traumatic experience for the kids, for him to see that you're serious. Then if he still doesn't think you're serious, you actually have to divorce the guy over it. 

    None of that really will solve anything, it will just make everyone feel worse.  Addicts dont quit until they decide they want to quit, and that level of stress certainly isn't going to nudge him in the quitting direction.

    I also have this same problem with my boyfriend.  When we first started dating we had quit smoking, but would smoke a cigarette like once on the weekends after awhile.  That annoyed me but I could live with it. By the time we were very serious he lost his job and started smoking a lot again.  It bothered me so he "quit" by replacing it with chewing tobacco, another habit he had used to have but hadnt done in awhile.

    That put me in a position where im like um, theyre both disgusting. Right now he is doing BOTH.  If i had to choose the lesser of two evils i am thinkign the cigarettes are prob not quite as repusulsive...but either way, my telling him to quit gets us in the most gigantic fights.  Nothing is more infuriating to him than my suggesting to him that he change his habits.  Nothing is more sad and frustrating to me than watch a person vehemently defend somehting that could one day kill them and ruin their loved ones' lives. So, alternatively, i just stay out of it. Even if his choice isnt healthy, the only person who can make the choice to stop is him. 
  • Still fighting. More ways than one. 1 year now a bilateral, stage 3 breaat cancer survivor. Diagnosed at Christmas 2013. Still in treatment with one more chemo infusion to go followed by revision reconstruction surgery. Its been a tough few years since last posting. Kids are doing well thru all of this, thank God. Husband is still struggling with chewing tobacco. Since I was going thru surgery, chemo and radiation I was not "present" for a lot. My husband has not been the best caregiver and understanding this i had help from my mom and a friend which has been a lifesaver. I learned upon my return from more surgery and chemo last October that my husband never quit chewing after becoming addicted to nicotine gum in a quit that i was led to believe was "it" after my diagnosis. My disappointment was beyond disbelief and I was crushed and angry and betrayed-all of the things I am not supposed to feel because it is his problem alone. He was working construction as an interim prior to his professional position that hes been at for three months and he says that it was just too hard to quit when all the guys did it. He had to deal with my cancer and life by chewing. I felt like a fool and this all resulted in a "rock bottom" fight and another promise to quit. I was excited for him and proud also since he was finally starting his professional career. Well, three months later and i find a can yesterday as I helped pack his bag to visit his father in the hospital who is currently being diagnosed with cancer no less. With everything happening, learning yet again that he actually had only quit for a little over a month and had been hiding it at work where everyone uses it was another blow that I dont know if my beat up body and psyche can handle another time. His ultimatum this time to me was support and love him even if he chews or not and he'll quit. Didnt make sense. He says he just has too much stress and all his coworkers chew and it is what gets him through. So again its only at work (12-14 hour days) and not around the kids but the lying and guilt builds up and sure enough he becomes moody and snappy. I shouldve known, but I did find out yet again for some reason. His health declining from stress of work and kids and cancer in the family is too much that I am starting to think he would be better off by himself to not have the burdens that cayse him to chew. Support is what I have been giving by taking care of the kids, keeping up the house, trying to run a business, caring for my elderly parents with cancer, and all the while trying to keep up my own fight while in treatment myself. Its a wonder I havent submitted to an addiction myself. I am so tired, but up ill get up to live another day because my children need me and hope again that my husband will make the final decision to quit and stick with it.
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  • haryknowsharyknows member
    First Comment
    edited August 2015

    Still fighting. More ways than one. 1 year now a bilateral, stage 3 breaat cancer survivor. Diagnosed at Christmas 2013. Still in treatment with one more chemo infusion to go followed by revision reconstruction surgery. Its been a tough few years since last posting. Kids are doing well thru all of this, thank God. Husband is still struggling with chewing tobacco. Since I was going thru surgery, chemo and radiation I was not "present" for a lot. My husband has not been the best caregiver and understanding this i had help from my mom and a friend which has been a lifesaver. I learned upon my return from more surgery and chemo last October that my husband never quit chewing after becoming addicted to nicotine gum in a quit that i was led to believe was "it" after my diagnosis. My disappointment was beyond disbelief and I was crushed and angry and betrayed-all of the things I am not supposed to feel because it is his problem alone. He was working construction as an interim prior to his professional position that hes been at for three months and he says that it was just too hard to quit when all the guys did it. He had to deal with my cancer and life by chewing. I felt like a fool and this all resulted in a "rock bottom" fight and another promise to quit. I was excited for him and proud also since he was finally starting his professional career. Well, three months later and i find a can yesterday as I helped pack his bag to visit his father in the hospital who is currently being diagnosed with cancer no less. With everything happening, learning yet again that he actually had only quit for a little over a month and had been hiding it at work where everyone uses it was another blow that I dont know if my beat up body and psyche can handle another time. His ultimatum this time to me was support and love him even if he chews or not and he'll quit. Didnt make sense. He says he just has too much stress and all his coworkers chew and it is what gets him through. So again its only at work (12-14 hour days) and not around the kids but the lying and guilt builds up and sure enough he becomes moody and snappy. I shouldve known, but I did find out yet again for some reason. His health declining from stress of work and kids and cancer in the family is too much that I am starting to think he would be better off by himself to not have the burdens that cayse him to chew. Support is what I have been giving by taking care of the kids, keeping up the house, trying to run a business, caring for my elderly parents with cancer, and all the while trying to keep up my own fight while in treatment myself. Its a wonder I havent submitted to an addiction myself. I am so tired, but up ill get up to live another day because my children need me and hope again that my husband will make the final decision to quit and stick with it.

    I used to work at a rehab center in Ontario, and contrary to public perception, nicotine is highly, highly addictive. Marijuana usage sticks with 9% of first time users, and alcohol tends to stick 15% of the time. With cocaine and heroin, it’s 17 and 19%. With nicotine, it’s a whopping 22%. Nicotine is more addictive than heroin! There ought to be some smokeless addiction treatment programs at rehabs around you.



    TarponMonoxide
  • edited August 2015
    This has to be a Nest first.

    All these years later and the OP deletes.

    The topic of this thread: the OP's husband is chewing tobacco and she's pissed off that he will not quit.

    As a very last ditch effort, she could leave him.

    Then again, why did you marry a tobacco chewer if you did not like the idea of him chewing at all??? the mind boggles.  

    OP: I am not here to pick on you. Why not leave the post intact? Somebody else might have a suggestionfor you! this is why deleting is annoying and frustrating.

    You could leave him if this is rough for you to take.

    You could consider his addiction a dealbreaker.

    This is going to have to be up to you.

    And as I said, chewing tobacco is especially dangerous because none of the organs in the neck and throat have a visceral covering. I consider the  tongue to be an organ, too, believe it or not --- it aids in chewing, speaking, digestion, taste and a host of other things.  
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