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Love & waiting...

I love my Husband with all my heart. To make it short, he made "just a friend" and I would always ask him to limit the friendship so there a no other intentions from this other person I do not know. It would cause many arguements. After constantly arguing & going through with trying to get to know this friend- it was confessed that my husband had feelings for his friend. The friendship ended...for just a short time until I found out they were still talking. Then was promised no more talking & found out the opposite again. I felt horrible to the point where I just wanted to leave. But our family is important to me. He is important to me. This other person cannot be out of our lives because they work with each other. I have got to the point where I am dealing with them now just talking at work. I feel he has changed but I know he still loves me. We are at a point where he wants space & doesnt know why...or just doesnt tell me his true reason.  I am just at a point of waiting to see what happens. I am hoping his love for me gets back to where it was or somehow even better. I am trying to be strong & give him his space even though I want more quality time. He is different but still the same great guy... if that makes any sense, which is why I am still hopeful. Do you feel out of LOVE I am doing the right thing?

Re: Love & waiting...

  • No you are only giving him more space to cheat on you.
  • He knows exactly why he wants space... he wants to sleep with "his friend". I'm sorry you have to go through this. 
    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/29lzfhk.jpg[/IMG]
  • There is a way he can avoid this woman -- he can change jobs.

    If he is truly committed to his marriage to you, he will move heaven and earth to show you how trustworthy he is.  He will not want "space".  He is in the "fog" of his affair (emotional or physical) and isn't putting you and your marriage first.  

    Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com and read the forums - especially The Betrayed Spouses forum.  I think you will find their stories are very similar to yours.  Read about the 180.  It will help you know how to behave in the face of his stupidity.
  • image DaringMiss:
    There is a way he can avoid this woman -- he can change jobs.

    If he is truly committed to his marriage to you, he will move heaven and earth to show you how trustworthy he is.  He will not want "space".  He is in the "fog" of his affair (emotional or physical) and isn't putting you and your marriage first.  

    Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com and read the forums - especially The Betrayed Spouses forum.  I think you will find their stories are very similar to yours.  Read about the 180.  It will help you know how to behave in the face of his stupidity.

    I agree with this!  If he is committed to the marriage he wouldn't need space!  He'd want to work it out, and avoid this woman at all costs.  Giving him that space only tells him that you are ok with him seeing this woman, and that you are not the love of his life. 

  • Just a friend is never ever a bonafide friend.

    He promised no more talking and then he went right back and did it again? Your H has a character problem also.

    This guy wants to be a single guy; he's letting you know loud and clear this is where it's at. And "give him his space"? Souinds exactly like what a guy says when he wants to break up with you.

  • No, you are not doing the right thing. 

    You can love him to the moon and back and make him the most important thing in your life.............but it's clearly and blatently obvious that he does not love you that much, and you are not that important to him.

    So staying "out of LOVE" is just you staying with a man who doesn't love you and is having a relationship with another woman.  Surely you love yourself enough to think that you deserve better than that, right?

    And don't kid yourself - you know the reason that he wants space.  Does he really have to say the words?  Are you that far in denial, or truly stupid?

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  • When we did talk he did he mentions he still loves me & wants to be with me. Of course I know it's a lil different now. He feels horrible for hurting me & wants to fix himself I guess to work through this. I am not in denial, I know what I am doing. With my counseling sessions I came to the decision of giving him the space. It may seem stupid but everyone makes mistakes & this is our first problem out of all our years being together. Am I stupid for being hopeful?  I am not saying I will wait forever & deal with him being distant. If nothing changes for the better of course I know I have to make the decision of moving on.
  • image cafeLuv:
    When we did talk he did he mentions he still loves me & wants to be with me. Of course I know it's a lil different now. He feels horrible for hurting me & wants to fix himself I guess to work through this. I am not in denial, I know what I am doing. With my counseling sessions I came to the decision of giving him the space. It may seem stupid but everyone makes mistakes & this is our first problem out of all our years being together. Am I stupid for being hopeful?  I am not saying I will wait forever & deal with him being distant. If nothing changes for the better of course I know I have to make the decision of moving on.


    He feels horrible but he didn't mind NOT upholding a promise he made to you:character deficit.

    I think you need a new counselor.  And it looks like you'll be doing the right thing by saying goodbye to this nogoodnick.

    He's still the same great guy.

    Give me a break.

    He's got NO BUSINESS having a "friend" -- and he can wind up losing his job over this little buddy buddy thing he's got going on with this person. Companies are very very funny about that these days. And they're very very funny about their employees engaging in conduct like this.
  • OK, I know! He's being a total jerk. Then other times he's the wonderful man I married, Look, I am not trying to make excuses for him but just saying I want to give him a chance to fix things. We've had a wonderful marriage I am trying to give him his opportunity to admit his faults & make it up to me, But, how long should this "space" be allowed? I know eventually I will not allow it to continue on. 
  • image cafeLuv:
    OK, I know! He's being a total jerk. Then other times he's the wonderful man I married, Look, I am not trying to make excuses for him but just saying I want to give him a chance to fix things. We've had a wonderful marriage I am trying to give him his opportunity to admit his faults & make it up to me, But, how long should this "space" be allowed? I know eventually I will not allow it to continue on. 

    Only you can decide how long you'd be willing to wait for him to come around and decide to love you, and only you.

    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/29az2ps.jpg[/IMG]
  • image cafeLuv:
    OK, I know! He's being a total jerk. Then other times he's the wonderful man I married, Look, I am not trying to make excuses for him but just saying I want to give him a chance to fix things. We've had a wonderful marriage I am trying to give him his opportunity to admit his faults & make it up to me, But, how long should this "space" be allowed? I know eventually I will not allow it to continue on. 


    He should be a wonderful man 110% of the time.

    He's being wonderful not at all.

    This guy's got cheating on his mind, if he has not cheated physically with this "friend" already.

    I'll give it to you straight:

    You're a jerk, a patsy and a doormat for allowing this mess to happen -- wants his space??? Space his ass right out the door.

    He's taking advantage of your stupidity. You are permitting him to have his cake and eat it too...while you merrily allow him "his space" and whatever else this clown wants.

    Space his ass out the door.  He's having an affair and he's showing you loud and clear that he is.

    And happily married men that care about their spouses do not "want space." They want to be with their wives and only their wives.

    The biggest jerk in this picture?

    YOU.
  • I agree with you about what man he should be- wonderful all the time. But I disagree with hearing I AM the jerk. As I have not caused this problem. I've heard both sides to my story -People who agree & disagree with me so I am not bothered by your opinion. As for his space, it's not like I am allowing him to leave & have late night hangouts. It's space at home. As I mentioned before I am not going to deal with him like this forever. Of course if i see no change, the best thing to do is to leave.
  • No, you didn't cause the problem BUT you can certainly end it --- by showing him the door.

    Once a cheater always a cheater. Space schmace. His space is with YOU, his wife.

    And as you see he cannot change and wll not change. This guy is telling you loud and clear he does not want to be married.

  • He certainly isn't acting as though he loves you, that's for sure.  And as much as you say you love him, I am not sure you really love him, either.  You seem needy and insecure, and as though you think you can't live without him, but that's not love.
    image
  • I do love him, dearly. Seriously why would I even choose to try & still work it out if I didn't love him?  It's not that I can't live without him but when I reminisce about all our good times.... I want to hopefully continue that.

    Is no one seeing why I want to give him a chance? Give him time to fix us if he really desires to? I  It's not like other relationship stories I've read on here where the person always had trust issues with their significant other, always had someone trying to ruin their relationship, etc...  This is our first problem. One problem & I'm supposed to be like F it & just move on?  Is one mistake enough for you to just say forget everything we worked on as a couple, a family, & what we've become all these years together?

  • You'd try to work it out, and stay while he still sees the other woman every singe day, because you're insecure and needy and think you can't live without him.  Like I said, that's not love.

    No, no one sees why you're giving him a chance, when "giving him a chance" entails sitting at home while he continues to see the other woman.  This is just asinine.

    image
  • image cafeLuv:
    OK, I know! He's being a total jerk. Then other times he's the wonderful man I married, Look, I am not trying to make excuses for him but just saying I want to give him a chance to fix things. We've had a wonderful marriage I am trying to give him his opportunity to admit his faults & make it up to me, But, how long should this "space" be allowed? I know eventually I will not allow it to continue on. 

    Somebody who has a wonderful marriage doesn't repeatedly stick his peen into another woman's poon and lie about it to his wife.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Oh gosh... I'm so sorry you are going through this. If he is telling you he needs space (after lying to you and having feelings for someone else), then he trying to leave the relationship. My step dad did this to my mom earlier this year (a very similar story to yours). It was heart breaking for her and I witnessed all of it. It's terrible thing to go through and I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I would ask him to leave and figure out what he wants. Get some therapy in the mean time. It can help you process what is happening.
    [IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/ega6ic.jpg[/IMG]


    BFP#1: 08/30/12 EDD 04/30/12 m/c 09/04/12 6wks
    BFP#2: 01/27/13 EDD 10/06/13 no baby/just sac on u/s 02/25/13 chemical abortion 03/02/13 9wks
  • His chance to make it right was when you first confronted him about it. If he actually had any respect for you, let alone love, he would have immediately cut all ties. 

    He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness before you even considered giving him a chance to fix it. You waiting around for him to come to that point is ridiculous. He made his choice when he started up this nonsense in the first place.

    Ignore the politics and enjoy life!
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