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angry husband

So me and my husband have started talking about having a baby, probably for about six months now. He smokes, I don't. For a long time i was kind of on the fence about children but i know he really wants one, and after more thought i came around. I believe i have been very clear on the fact that i would like to get pregnant sometime in the near future, we originally wanted to buy a house first but we both just got new jobs and didnt qualify for a loan and we currenlty live next door to my parents which would be really convient for babysitting. but i told him that there were things that i thought should happen before i do. first was that he quit smoking, and then smaller things like just going for our annuals check ups, finding a doctor, and stuff like that.

now he has been telling me that he would quit since before we got married. qbout 6 weeks ago i enrolled in some college classes (i've working on my degree for a long time, and new job will pay for my classes now.) about 2 weeks ago H decides to quit, which i am thrilled about. hes not even done with withdrawal symptoms, and apparently he was expecting me to instantly stop my pill and try to get pregnant. i told him to give me 4 months to get through this symester, and he says that i am a liar and im going back on my promises, and that i am making excuses - he also listed doctor as an excuse!!

I told him i just dont want to be stressed more then i need to be when i get pregnant, i also work and commute everyday and now school. and that before we tried we shouild at least sit down and have a serious conversation about our plans.

he says he quit for nothing, which makes me feel like nothing, and i feel like a prize for a job well done, that is not the way i pictured myself deciding to get pregnant. i feel like he is challenging me, he kept syaing that if i supported him in quiting or really wanted a baby that i should "prove it".

i just think we should make a plan and be rational and realistic about the best time, i did not expect him to think he wasted his time and effort.

and now we have been fighting and i was not very nice, but i thought we left it on at least speaking terms last night, but he called in sick to work, and now wont answer my calls or texts.

Re: angry husband

  • You knew he was a smoker when you met him. You knew he was one when he asked you out and you knew he was a smoker all through the time up until now that you've been married.

    Anybody can tell you that smoking is an addiction and like any other addict, a cigarette smoker has to want to quit for him or herself. Not for the wife or the husband or the kids or a boss, etc: quit because they want to do it for themself.

    That's one issue.

    Either he quits and stays a quitter or he refuses to stop smoking, period: cigarette smoking is notoriously difficult to give up; any smoker will tell you that.

    So now it's he won't keep up the good work unless you get pregnant?

    Nope....something is wrong here. I suspeft he never wanted to give up smoking anyway and he's looking for a reason, any reason, to start smoking again.

    Either you accept it that he's a smoker and that maybe someday he'll kick the habit because he wants to or you can decide where you want to go from here.  Sorry for your troubles.

  • he also thought i didnt want kids when we got married but i changed for him.

    i just want my child to be healthy, and i dont think that is too much to ask.

    i think he needs to decide what is really important to him. and if anyone is going back on promises or making excuses its him. and i personally know how challenging it is to give up smoking, i smoking for longer then he did.

  • image dmajka23:

    hes not even done with withdrawal symptoms

    Sounds like he's crabbing due to withdrawal. Tell him you think that's what's going on and that you can appreciate how difficult it is for him to quit and what he's going through right now. See if that doesn't soften him up a bit. Then try and get him to wait until the worst is over - or a week - to discuss again. If he's hesitant on a week or two, just remind him that you're not likely to get pregnant right away anyway, so it's no loss to give yourselves some time to make sure you're doing what's best for the baby.

  • image dmajka23:

    he also thought i didnt want kids when we got married but i changed for him.

    i just want my child to be healthy, and i dont think that is too much to ask.

    i think he needs to decide what is really important to him. and if anyone is going back on promises or making excuses its him. and i personally know how challenging it is to give up smoking, i smoking for longer then he did.

    Ok ok you need to stop right there.

    1. you are comparing apples to oranges.  An addition is not the same thing as changing your mind about children

    2.  What do you mean you changed for him ?  You either want children or you don't.  Listen, I know two grown men whose fathers made it quite clear that they didn't want to have children, but they " changed their minds" so that the could marry the guy's mothers.  The emotional damage these two men have to carry is substantial because they were constantly reminded that their fathers didn't want them, only their mothers did. 

    3. Come on, you have to know that your husband is using you as a scapegoat to start smoking again. 

    And Tarpon is right.  You can go on and on and on about how he needs to decide what is important; however, here is the thing about addiction, he won't quit until he is ready.  He will continue to put it off and will continue to find excuses for why he isn't quitting and a pregnancy won't change it, a baby won't change it, I doubt a baby with health issues would change it.  If he wanted to quit for someone else he would have done it for you and the wedding. 

  • He's going to need some sort of rock bottom moment that will make him see the light that he needs to quit smoking.

    And risks from smoking for high blood pressure, stroke, lung cancer, highly invasive carcinomas of the mouth, tounge, throat and head and neck, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, coronary occlussions, heart attack and other coronary probloems and COPD should be enough of a rock bottom moment for anyone who smokes.

    Heck, the stink alone on his breath, mouth, lips, clothes and hair should be a rock bottom moment for a smoker. And the fact that the stink grosses out everyone it comes in contact with is a rock bottom moment for the addict.

    National Smoke Out Day is the Wednesday after Thanksgiving. He can try again on that date --- he'll be in plenty of company.
  • I used to smoke, and it's hard to want to stop smoking even if one know how harmful that is. if one wants to stop because of making healthier babies I think it's great but not because you stop you're healthier right away. The body has to clean itself to start producing healthier sperms, and that takes longer than a month. I can see his frustrations because of his addiction (when I quitted I was irritable for weeks) You may need to explain your point of view again and he as well, to agree to something. Nobody should be forced to change. It's easier when we decide to do something for our own benefit than to please someone else's expectations of us.
  • My husband was a smoker when we first met, too. When we decided that we were going to have kids one day, he decided to quit. He tried everything! And failed at everything. Finally, he found something that worked, and we know other people who have had success with it, too. It's an electric cigarette (no tar, no carcinogens, just nicotine and water vapor). There are lots of different options, but my husband used www.smoketip.com. You can gradually decrease the nicotine levels in them, in order to ween off of it. The reason it worked for my husband is that cigarette addiction is more than just nicotine addiction. Real smokers are addicted to their smoking routines. This product allows smokers to keep those routines, but in a healthier way that ultimately weens them off.

    Ask him to try this. I hated that my husband smoked. I'm telling you, this really works. Good luck!

    www.meetmyhusband.blogspot.com
  • Lurker here. :)

    Regarding the children aspect: PLEASE do not get pregnant or have children until you are BOTH ready and communicating well. Children are an amazing blessing, but the learning curve (especially with your first) can be huge and the adjustment is a major one. 

    You both need to be on the same page and open with each other before adding more stress to our lives.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • You never ever have kids just because your spouse wants you to and you don't change that just because he wants you to. And you never throw that in his face by comparing cigarettes to babies. Children deserve parents who both want them. You are only setting yourself up for misery if you change something so major just to please someone else.

    Maybe you meant to say that you actually do want kids and you changed it because YOU wanted to. But you really made it seem like you changed it just to keep him happy. And if so...you are going about it the wrong way.

    <a href="http://www.thenest.com" manual_cm_sp="community_badge-_-craftynestie-_-2010129"><img src="http://images.thenest.com/content/tn_sig_crafty.gif" border="0" alt="Visit The Nest!" /></a>

    <img src="[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/j628g0.jpg[/IMG]" width=220>
  • @jnjmommy06...

    You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your post.  It's pretty much what everyone else has been trying to say which is we make the changes and stick to those changes because we make the decision to, doing it to make someone else happy will only work temporarily and can therefore bring new problems. Smoking and babies are 2 completely different issues. A baby is an immediate life changing event that you can't give back and needs a lot of attention and time.

  • image dmajka23:

    he also thought i didnt want kids when we got married but i changed for him.

     This scares me .... don't have kids for him, or anyone, but yourself.

  • Okay...so you knew he was a smoker right? My FI is a smoker and we talk about having kids after we are married (he wants one on the way before he's 30 - that gives me about 2 years) and just our general future overall. We just bought a house and we made it clear that no smoking in the house once we move it. That's the only rule I have regarding his smoking. And he's perfectly okay with it!

    What I didn't do is come out and tell him, "Hey you need to stop smoking, for this reason...". It's not my right to dictate what he does. He quit about a year after we started dating all on his own, without me saying anything. Long story short, first time he ever quit, it lasted abuot 3 months he switched jobs was really stressed and started smoking again. Not a big deal, he's still active - plays hockey, etc.

    Him and I had a long conversation about when his sister was pregnant and his mom tried getting him to stop smoking because of the little one. And he resisted. I figure he's a smart guy, if he knows we are going to have a baby...chances are he's going to quit smoking. I'm not bringing it up, because I think he knows it's a given and goes without saying or badgering. Plus it's not like I want him to tell me to stop doing one of my bad habits. 

    Anyways...what I'm getting at is this. It sounds like you pressured him into quitting and now you are going against the false pretense that you guys were going to try to get preggers. You need to sit down and have a good conversation. And what's the harm in trying to get pregnant now, or in 4 months? It could take 4 months until you actually get pregnant...see what I mean?

    School is stressful, I agree. But don't use it as an excuse as to not get pregnant right now.

    Sit down and talk it out. Come up with a plan and make sure you guys keep talking. None of this, "he won't respond to my texts or calls".

     

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I agree with the above poster, you kind of hung this baby thing out as a reward for his quitting smoking(unintentionally I know, but in his mind...) and then said no, not now when he did quit. He doesn't understand the delay, and it's upsetting him.

     I think the best thing you can do is sit down with him and make a plan. Stress to him the importance of getting both your bodies healthy before you do this, and set a *reasonable* time frame for doing it. Make that Dr's appointment asap, since there's no reason to put it off. That appointment may be a good time to discuss the smoking issue too and why it's important he stay smoke-free even before you are trying.

    The biggest problem I see here is you asked him to do his part, he's in the process of doing that, and now you are leaving things open-ended, in addition to starting school, which in your mind means can't get pregnant right now. I think he has every right to be upset, and the answer is to come up with a plan you guys can agree on. 

    Pregnant with #4... It's gonna get real image
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