Trouble in Paradise
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When your H says he's not as attracted to you anymore...

How would you deal with it?

 H and I have been together for 8 years and have 2 children together. We were young when we had kids, and I put on weight with both of them. I have approx 30 lbs that would be nice to lose and would get me back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

One day during a discussion we were having, he reluctantly told me he wasn't as attracted to me anymore because of my size. It stung a lot, but I appreciate his honesty. This was about 3 months ago. Some things changed for me as a result - I am a lot more modest when it comes to being naked around him, covering up my stomach, etc. I've always tried to keep my eating reasonable, and only indulge in a bigger meal maybe once a week but since having my children, I really have to work hard to get the weight to come off. At one point, 2 years ago, I was 20 lbs lighter than I am now after losing 35 lbs but only because my schedule permitted me to go to the gym 4-5 times a week. Once my schedule changed (I finished school and starting working FT), the weight crept back on.

My husband is gone all week for work (trucking), and I work FT plus take care of all household responsibilities like cooking/cleaning/raising the children/finances/etc. (he helps with some of it on the weekends). I would love to be 30 lbs lighter, but no matter how I work it out in my head, I can't figure out a way to make it happen with my current schedule. I'm going to PT shortly with work, so hopefully I'll be able to get at least an afternoon walk in with the kids before making supper so I'm looking forward to that.

Every now and then the thought of what he said pops into my head and I have questions, so I try to talk to him about it. He's struggled with his communication with me in the past, but we've done really well the last 4 years or so working together but with this subject, he just thinks it's weird that I want to discuss it. I guess my biggest concern is that if he's not as attracted to me NOW, when I'm in my 20's because of extra 30 lbs, what the heck is going to happen when I'm older and my boobs are saggy, my body is wrinkled, etc.?! He thinks I'm crazy for thinking ahead that far. I think it's a legitimate concern. I know he can't "help" how he's been feeling, but I think it's only fair that we discuss it after he makes an announcement like that.

Any thoughts?

«1

Re: When your H says he's not as attracted to you anymore...

  • Honestly, I would probably see him as shallow, as someone who looks at me with judging and appraising eyes rather than loving ones, just as you do, and I'd KNOW that it's right for me to fear for the future with a man like this.  I'm not sure I could ever get naked in front of this guy again.  I mean, really, why would I?

    I'm not saying I'd leave him immediately, but yeah, it'd probably eventually deteriorate into that.  Even if I'd lost the weight, I'd resent that I had to be shaped a certain way in order for him to be attracted to me, that his attraction to me was so superficial that the weight I gained bearing his goddamned children was enough for him to lose attraction to me.  At that point, would I want to share my newly svelte body with him?  My guess is no.

    image
  • It's not that he's not attracted to me anymore because of my shape though. He still loves my body, and genuinely shows me that - but I think what he means by "not AS attracted" is more along the lines of "I miss what your body used to look like sometimes". I'm not sure if that makes anything clearer or not... but yeah.

  • You have two choices for your behavior.

    1. Melt away into a meek wifey poo who is ashamed of her life giving female body.

    2. OWN IT! LOVE IT! Celebrate your bod as an award for the 9 months you carried each one of your children.

    You said you and he have good communication. But, if you're here lamenting to Nesties about this problem, then you have not been honest with your husband about how his words made you feel.

     

  • I have, but he's still having a hard time talking about it. We've discussed it a few times, but the conversations haven't really led anywhere yet. He says I shouldn't worry about it, it's not a big deal, he still loves my body (which he demonstrates so I know he's not just saying it to get me out of his ahir) but my issue is that all of those things don't take back the fact that he said it.

     He gets antsy because I ask questions while trying to understand what he's feeling whereas he's the type of person who prefers to bury things. The reason I came to TN for perspective is that I haven't spoken a word of this to anyone but him, and I thought I could use some insight, not because we haven't talked about it. We just haven't come to an agreeable solution yet. I haven't figured out what kind of solution I'm looking for and he prefers to just not have an issue that needs resolving. That's where we're at.

  • My thought is instead of striving to be better looking for him why not strive to be healthy for just yourself. Health is 50 times more important then looks. Health and a small size do not always go hand in hand. I am small yet jiggle and barely have any muscle tone. And the muscle tone I do finally have is from being annoyed with myself because I am out of breath when I reach the top stair in my house. I have had chicken legs..but yet jiggly chicken legs since I can remember. Finally because I take the time to workout I see some muscle lines. All the sudden waking up at 530 am isn't that bad.
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  • image busymum:

    It's not that he's not attracted to me anymore because of my shape though. He still loves my body, and genuinely shows me that - but I think what he means by "not AS attracted" is more along the lines of "I miss what your body used to look like sometimes". I'm not sure if that makes anything clearer or not... but yeah.

    he reluctantly told me he wasn't as attracted to me anymore because of my size

    which is it?

    im sure he looks exactly the way he does when you met him right?



  • Thirty freaking pounds???

    You've probably gone up a size or maybe 2 but this does not make you morbidly obese. Is he kidding???

    And I am willing to bet he's not exactly Mr. Olympia material himself.

    You might try Weight Watchers online.

    WW is healthy, it is safe and it is not a fad diet. They give you a lot of food to eat. You can eat your favorite foods but in moderation and with portion control -- that's how WW does it and that is why they are a success.

    You can download the app onto your cell phone.

    Walking with the kids will do you lots of good -- walking is a safe exercise and it's time honored.:)

    He also needs to learn how to be quite a bit more nonconfrontational about certain topics. A "Honey, you are hot but you'd be even hotter if you were lean and mean like you used to be --- it would be fantastic" would have been a bit easier on the ears.

    I'm sure you would not blurt out "H, you have love handles and a beer belly and a fat ass. I don't find that attractive" to HIM. Sheesh....

    I see a real mixed message here: is he or is he not still hot and heavy for you (no pun intended)???

    If you lose the weight you want to lose and he still won't resume the hot and passionate love live he's had with you, suspect something funky. At that point, I'd sit down and have a nice long fireside chat with Mr. Wonderful.

    And if this is what the case is -- he won't get intimate with you for whatever reason, it's time for you to decide what YOU want to do.

    YOu have borne 2 children. A woman's body changes after bearing 2 kids. It's not likely you are going to return to your pre-birth measurements. You could, but maybe not. Mr. Wonderful also needs to get this through his thick skull -- and he's got a big surprise coming up, once he gets past 40 years of age:

    Men too get middle age spread and they no longer retain their boyish figures. His time is coming. Wonder what he's gonna do about it?

  • I understand your frustration and how much this would hurt.  I'm not sure your husband realizes that this is what happens when people age.  We have to understand that we will not always be young, eventually we will wrinkle and things will sag.  Maybe my DH will be bald someday and when God blesses me with children I will gain weight that may be difficult to lose.  I guess the moral of my story is that your DH shouldn't have married you solely for your looks because over the decades you will be together, you will change.  This sounds like something he needs to wrok out.
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  • image Erinm278:
    I understand your frustration and how much this would hurt.  I'm not sure your husband realizes that this is what happens when people age.  We have to understand that we will not always be young, eventually we will wrinkle and things will sag.  Maybe my DH will be bald someday and when God blesses me with children I will gain weight that may be difficult to lose.  I guess the moral of my story is that your DH shouldn't have married you solely for your looks because over the decades you will be together, you will change.  This sounds like something he needs to wrok out.


    And if he doesn't go bald, his hair will thin and he's sure to get saggy balls, too. Remind him of what HE is going to be looking forward to in about 25 more years or so. haha!

    He'll also get wrinkles and a middle age spread, like I said.  And if he's carrying a lot of beef in his upper torso, his t!ts will probably sag, too...yup, it can happen to men.
  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    Honestly, I would probably see him as shallow, as someone who looks at me with judging and appraising eyes rather than loving ones, just as you do, and I'd KNOW that it's right for me to fear for the future with a man like this.  I'm not sure I could ever get naked in front of this guy again.  I mean, really, why would I?

    I'm not saying I'd leave him immediately, but yeah, it'd probably eventually deteriorate into that.  Even if I'd lost the weight, I'd resent that I had to be shaped a certain way in order for him to be attracted to me, that his attraction to me was so superficial that the weight I gained bearing his goddamned children was enough for him to lose attraction to me.  At that point, would I want to share my newly svelte body with him?  My guess is no.

    Kuus has it.

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  • My comment is going to be different than the others, sorry. If you need to lose 30 lbs, you should wake up earlier to work out, start with a 45 min DVD like Jillian Michaels which have definitely worked for me. Once you work PT and have more time, you can start running, join gym, buy a used treadmill and run at home, etc. It's not just about your husband's comment, I'm sure you want to look better too. It's good that he was honest, wake-up call in my opinion. Yes, it would be nice if looks didn't matter to him but honestly, attraction is a part of relationship/marriage. He wouldn't have dated you if you weren't attractive to him in the 1st place. I would handle it by not bringing it up anymore, he already said it and it can't be taken back, if he has issues communicating and you cause scene over this, he will withhold other feelings or thoughts in the future. 

  • id lose the weight and kick his a$$ out  ;)
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  • Yeah...lose 190 immediate pounds: kick his ass out.:(

    Sheesh....the OP knows she's a little on the chunky side; she needed him to say this? Everybody, like I said, is fighting the battle of the bulge and all of us who are want to look better and feel better.

    I still think he's got something else lurking in his mind and he won't say why he's not as attracted anymore. For all we know, he could be having an affair or he's simply decided not to have sex with her anymore.

    And when intimacy is lost and there's a sexual disconnect, there's problems elsewhere in the relationship. Sex and intimacy is usually the first thing to deteriorate.
  • image firegal195:
    id lose the weight and kick his a$$ out  ;)

    This!!!!!

  • image firegal195:
    id lose the weight and kick his a$$ out  ;)

     

    Can we get an amen!?!?! (Why doesn't the nest have a like button?)

  • image notyetthere89:

    image firegal195:
    id lose the weight and kick his a$$ out  ;)

     

    Can we get an amen!?!?! (Why doesn't the nest have a like button?)

    We have a thumbs up!

    Yes

  • image vpine:
    My comment is going to be different than the others, sorry. If you need to lose 30 lbs, you should wake up earlier to work out, start with a 45 min DVD like Jillian Michaels which have definitely worked for me.;

    Do you have kids? I always talk about waking up earlier to do a workout DVD, but when I am up multiple times a night with my kid, that extra 45 minutes of sleep in the morning is needed so I don't fall asleep at my desk. Or if my kid wakes up when I am trying to work out, I guarantee that workout is going to be cut short. It's not as easy at you make it sound.

    OP, your dh sounds like an ass. Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows you have to want to do it for yourself. Trying to do it for someone else just gets frustrating. If he really cared about you and your health, he would start to make healthy changes around the house to help you make those changes as well.

    If and when you are ready to lose the weight for  YOU, try weight watchers online or my fitness pal. Both are easy to follow and I know people who have had great success on both.

  • image FormerlyAK:

    image vpine:
    My comment is going to be different than the others, sorry. If you need to lose 30 lbs, you should wake up earlier to work out, start with a 45 min DVD like Jillian Michaels which have definitely worked for me.;

    Do you have kids? I always talk about waking up earlier to do a workout DVD, but when I am up multiple times a night with my kid, that extra 45 minutes of sleep in the morning is needed so I don't fall asleep at my desk. Or if my kid wakes up when I am trying to work out, I guarantee that workout is going to be cut short. It's not as easy at you make it sound.

    OP, your dh sounds like an ass. Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows you have to want to do it for yourself. Trying to do it for someone else just gets frustrating. If he really cared about you and your health, he would start to make healthy changes around the house to help you make those changes as well.

    If and when you are ready to lose the weight for  YOU, try weight watchers online or my fitness pal. Both are easy to follow and I know people who have had great success on both.

    I have a child and I lost all the baby weight.  I think your H was a jerk for saying that, but I do think everyone should try to get healthy and lose the extra weight they put on during pregnancy.

    Can you all buy a treadmill so you can walk or run on it in the morning or after the kids are in bed?  Also, you need to talk to your husband and let him know his attitude needs to change. 

    He needs to give you breaks when he's home as well.  Why can't you go and run or work out while your H is home?  I hate men who do not take care of their own kids. 

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  • I find this incredibly sad. I find myself comparing your situation with mine!

    When I first met my FI 5 years ago I worked as a bartender, looked like a cute little skinny barbie doll. Years passed by and due to a few different things due to family stress, my mom passing away and everything taking a toll on me I started to gradually gain weight. I would say I need to loose a good 30 pounds (which I will say I am actively working on by eating right and going to the gym). BUT...and there's a BIG but (no pun intended..lol), he asked me to marry me while I am 30 pounds over weight. He loves me for me even though my body changed. Sure, I bet he would love the skinny me back (hell...I would love the skinny me back), but he would NEVER ever ever tell me he was not attracted to me or less attracted to me.

    I couldn't imagine my FI ever telling me he was less attracted to me. You really need to think things over. Is this guy really worth it? I think not! Move on and let him live in his truck that won't keep him warm at night! ugh

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    Honestly, I would probably see him as shallow, as someone who looks at me with judging and appraising eyes rather than loving ones, just as you do, and I'd KNOW that it's right for me to fear for the future with a man like this.  I'm not sure I could ever get naked in front of this guy again.  I mean, really, why would I?

    I'm not saying I'd leave him immediately, but yeah, it'd probably eventually deteriorate into that.  Even if I'd lost the weight, I'd resent that I had to be shaped a certain way in order for him to be attracted to me, that his attraction to me was so superficial that the weight I gained bearing his goddamned children was enough for him to lose attraction to me.  At that point, would I want to share my newly svelte body with him?  My guess is no.

    Ditto Kuus

  • Hello, I'm a little late on replying but I do have some thoughts.Of course, no woman wants to hear that from her significant other & your H should have kept that to himself. However, with just what you've provided us, I don't know how people can say, "get rid of him, leave him". I don't feel that way at all. You said you have been communicating much better in the past years, so I'm guessing he didn't just come right out any say, "honey, I'm not attracted you you anymore, you're chubby"....No, I'm sure it came up because you were talking to him about intamacy, your feeling about yourself or in the relationship...something to that nature. You've also said he helps you with things on the weekends and it seems like he works hard all week to provide for his family (as do you)....to me that sounds like a good man that accidentally said the wrong thing. You also mentioned he keeps telling you not to worry and that he loves you as you are. That's wonderful.

     Bottom line, you keep bringing it up to him.....what else is there for him to say? I'm sure he feels bad for even saying it. I agree that it's not that you should lose the weight for only him but for yourself. You mentioned you're in your 20's .....now is the easiest time to lose it. Once you start working part time I think you can find the time to make a change in your life to get healthy. You will be happier with yourself and in your marriage. I def feel for you though girl, most of us have been unhappy with our body at some point....  good luck! :)

  • image luvjme:

    Hello, I'm a little late on replying but I do have some thoughts.Of course, no woman wants to hear that from her significant other & your H should have kept that to himself. However, with just what you've provided us, I don't know how people can say, "get rid of him, leave him". I don't feel that way at all. You said you have been communicating much better in the past years, so I'm guessing he didn't just come right out any say, "honey, I'm not attracted you you anymore, you're chubby"....No, I'm sure it came up because you were talking to him about intamacy, your feeling about yourself or in the relationship...something to that nature. You've also said he helps you with things on the weekends and it seems like he works hard all week to provide for his family (as do you)....to me that sounds like a good man that accidentally said the wrong thing. You also mentioned he keeps telling you not to worry and that he loves you as you are. That's wonderful.

     Bottom line, you keep bringing it up to him.....what else is there for him to say? I'm sure he feels bad for even saying it. I agree that it's not that you should lose the weight for only him but for yourself. You mentioned you're in your 20's .....now is the easiest time to lose it. Once you start working part time I think you can find the time to make a change in your life to get healthy. You will be happier with yourself and in your marriage. I def feel for you though girl, most of us have been unhappy with our body at some point....  good luck! :)

     A "good man" would not say something like this PERIOD!

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  • Your H sounds like a lovely man who has a blindspot when it comes to how women respond to certain information (same as 99% of all men). That he "reluctantly" told you his thoughts on your weight is redeeming, b/c he was being honest. An honest guy is a wonderful one to keep around. But it's up to you to keep the impact of that information in check. It's your own insecurity that now has you wondering: does he feel differently about me? Am I being lazy by not getting the weight off? How ugly am I with 30 extra pounds? If I eat in front of him, is he going to get grossed out? Am I entitled to eat what I want? If I don't lose the weight, is our marriage doomed and would it be my fault or his? How ugly am I going to get if I don't look good now?

    All he said was how he feels AND JUST THAT. He didn't say the way you look changes how he feels about you or that he thinks you're lazy or that you're ugly or that it's gross to look at you or that he resents you everytime you shove fried goodness into your mouth or that he's leaving/cheating if you don't "shape up" or any other doubt that his comment may have inspired.

    He also isn't the absolute authority on what is beautiful (no one is b/c everyone has different preferences) - YOU are. 30 lbs on a woman can look amazing, so don't be afraid to be happy with yourself in spite of what your husband's and other's preferences might be. Your confidence could very likely change his mind. And don't be afraid to want to improve yourself in combination with being happy with how you look. It's actually a wonderful place to be. Everyday you wake up with two options: pleased with how you look or pleasantly surprised that you look even better than the day before.

    If you decide you'd like to keep improving yourself - the best place to fit it in is your diet. Exercising is super hard to fit into a busy schedule and may not be feasible or just be too demanding on an already-filled-to-the-brim day. Diet is about 75% of the battle even when you are exercising. You already spend your time grocery shopping and eating, so just spend that time more wisely. 

  • image mrsbiss2be:
    image luvjme:

    Hello, I'm a little late on replying but I do have some thoughts.Of course, no woman wants to hear that from her significant other & your H should have kept that to himself. However, with just what you've provided us, I don't know how people can say, "get rid of him, leave him". I don't feel that way at all. You said you have been communicating much better in the past years, so I'm guessing he didn't just come right out any say, "honey, I'm not attracted you you anymore, you're chubby"....No, I'm sure it came up because you were talking to him about intamacy, your feeling about yourself or in the relationship...something to that nature. You've also said he helps you with things on the weekends and it seems like he works hard all week to provide for his family (as do you)....to me that sounds like a good man that accidentally said the wrong thing. You also mentioned he keeps telling you not to worry and that he loves you as you are. That's wonderful.

     Bottom line, you keep bringing it up to him.....what else is there for him to say? I'm sure he feels bad for even saying it. I agree that it's not that you should lose the weight for only him but for yourself. You mentioned you're in your 20's .....now is the easiest time to lose it. Once you start working part time I think you can find the time to make a change in your life to get healthy. You will be happier with yourself and in your marriage. I def feel for you though girl, most of us have been unhappy with our body at some point....  good luck! :)

     A "good man" would not say something like this PERIOD!

     

    I would go so far as to say that a good man shouldn't even be thinking this.

    image
  • I don't know, when I read that he reluctantly told her I just got the guy feeling that the OP sort of verbally nagged/hammered him to admit he liked her body more before she gained the weight. Also, if they are working in their communication problem he might have felt very cornered to admit a truth. He probably was more visually attracted to the slimmer you. 

    Really, who isn't visually attracted to slim and fit?

    I don't know about the rest of the conversation but he probably feels like the visual attraction doesn't compete with his love and commitment to you.

    I know I've felt in evil moods where I try to find out which body my husband likes better, before or after. Both had their pluses and minuses.  He VERY smartly says he was attracted to me before and is attracted to me now. But I strongly suspect he very much enjoys a bigger butt. 

    OPs husband just decided not to play that game.

    In the end though I think the only solution is for the OP to excercise and diet to the point where she feels confidant and satisfied with her body. tHAT will be the most attractive to him. As we grow we usually mature in what attracts us and the OPs husband probably will find his 'standard' to change also.  

  • Sorry.....my opinion is a little different than most of the other posters.

     

    1) The OP said that her husband "reluctantly" told her in a discussion. It sounds to me like he was pressed to be honest....he shouldn't be flayed for that. Also, the OP has said that it hasn't really affected his treatment of her or their love life on his part. If my DH gained a lot of weight or something, I wouldn't have that same little thrill for his rock hard abs or biceps that I have now, but I would still love him fiercely. So I think the bigger issue is being honest with him about your reaction to HOW he expressed himself, instead of flaming him for actually being honest when specifically asked. 

     

    2) Sometimes, I know that I need a little kick in the pants when I want to lose a little extra weight. That's why girlfriends often diet in partners, etc. Why is it a bad thing to let your husband help you stay accountable? Talk to him about your emotional parameters for expressing delicate issues, but give him the freedom to be honest with you. I know that is what I have expressed to my husband, and I appreciate the help!

     3) How old are your kids? I know that if you picked the right workout video, alot of kids would really enjoy doing it with you. Maybe you can sneak in some exercise time right there. Or multi-task.....do crunches or some other stationary exercise for five minute periods while watching a movie, etc.  

     

    Good luck with your communication....I wish you the best! 

  • Oh lord. Pressed to say it.....reluctantly said it...it's all the same! And they BOTH should not be said by a husband who "apprently" loves his wife! It's great you want to look at the bright side, but there is NO bright side when a husband says this to his wife.

     {broken record}

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    image mrsbiss2be:
    image luvjme:

    Hello, I'm a little late on replying but I do have some thoughts.Of course, no woman wants to hear that from her significant other & your H should have kept that to himself. However, with just what you've provided us, I don't know how people can say, "get rid of him, leave him". I don't feel that way at all. You said you have been communicating much better in the past years, so I'm guessing he didn't just come right out any say, "honey, I'm not attracted you you anymore, you're chubby"....No, I'm sure it came up because you were talking to him about intamacy, your feeling about yourself or in the relationship...something to that nature. You've also said he helps you with things on the weekends and it seems like he works hard all week to provide for his family (as do you)....to me that sounds like a good man that accidentally said the wrong thing. You also mentioned he keeps telling you not to worry and that he loves you as you are. That's wonderful.

     Bottom line, you keep bringing it up to him.....what else is there for him to say? I'm sure he feels bad for even saying it. I agree that it's not that you should lose the weight for only him but for yourself. You mentioned you're in your 20's .....now is the easiest time to lose it. Once you start working part time I think you can find the time to make a change in your life to get healthy. You will be happier with yourself and in your marriage. I def feel for you though girl, most of us have been unhappy with our body at some point....  good luck! :)

     A "good man" would not say something like this PERIOD!

     

    I would go so far as to say that a good man shouldn't even be thinking this.

     Yes

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  • What an a**hole.

    Did you know before you got married that he was sizeist? That's a pretty good sign a person is shallow, and shallow people have unrealistic expectations of how their body ages. And is he an Adonis? Is he truly that much of a catch that you should have to change your very body just to please him? What else is he going to expect you to change for him?

    Anniversary
  • Im gonna jump on the side that says....it sounds like the poor dude was pushed into a corner...did you ask him if he found you as attractive as before? I don't thing most guys would have brought this up on thier own..because if you were more attractive before and he said that...well duh girl...just because you might have been more attractive when you were younger/pre-kids...doesn't mean he doesnt love you or think you are attractive now.

    You said that he "shows you that you are still attractive" so what is the point of beating him over the head with it? what you do hope to accomplish? Sure maybe it was insenstive of him to say, but if you want a happy healthy marraige...realize we all say and do stupid things sometimes and that was one of his...if he still demonstrates that he likes you and your body now..GET OVER IT. It was one comment which you are dwelling on.

    Lose the weight or don't lose the weight, I honestly don't thing its as big a deal to your husband as you seem to think it is. He's still coming home to you and badgering him into a conversation about how he doesnt thing you are hotter now then you were before...doesnt really do you or him any good in making a better or stronger marraige. You need to accept your body and if you want to improve your healthy lifestyle for you, and in turn he will likely find your confidance attractive.

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