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Still hurting and need to vent.

Her name is Roxie and she was the first real friend I'd made in college. We spent a lot of time hanging out at school and quite a bit after school too. Whenever she had a problem, I was always one of the first to jump in to try and cheer her up. And whenever I was sad, she would always cheer me up somehow.

 But eventually I had to move away because my bf (who is now my husband) and I were having issues with the long distance and didn't want our 4 year old relationship to go under. Even though I moved, I still tried to stay in touch with all of my friends because I didn't want to lose what we had built. I even went as far as taking at least two 4 hour long drives to visit so they'd know I still cared about them. I talked with Roxie quite a bit over facebook and tried to keep up with what was going on in her life because she seemed to be struggling with some home life and bf issues. We would talk for hours and even though it wasn't quite the same as being right there, I felt like we were still pretty close. Naturally when my bf proposed, she was the first I asked to be my bridesmaid. She accepted although she didn't seem all that happy or excited for me but I ignored it because I was sure she had some issues she was trying to work through, y'know? Well, I was right. She did have an issue she was trying to work through and of course, it was with a guy she really liked. Now this next part may get kind of confusing but I'll try to explain it the best I can:

 There was a guy she really really liked who was basically stringing her along. He'd flirt with her and make her feel like he really wanted to be with her but he was already with someone else and didn't want to end his relationship with her for Roxie. Roxie tried to be cool about it but this guy kept playing around with her. They basically had a friends with benefits kind of relationship until eventually he did break up with his girl. Roxie thought she had a chance when not two days later he announced that he was engaged to his supposed ex. It crushed Roxie and made it hard for her to focus on bridesmaid stuff so I took on every task I could to make it easier on her. Not a big deal but still bothersome. Roxie just could not get over this guy even though he treated her so terribly. Off and on, off and on seemed to be their thing and it was making it hard to get ahold of her. When they were "off", she would get so depressed that she'd disconnect herself from everyone. When they were "on", he was the only one she'd talk to actively.

Somehow I did manage to get ahold of her to tell her to keep the upcoming Saturday open so we could go dress shopping. But when I came by her house to pick her up, she was still in bed asleep. It was noon and it took her almost an hour to get ready. What was even worse was my mom was with us, meeting my bridesmaids for the very first time. We managed to find the perfect dress and ordered it that day, and it would be a few months before I needed her to try it on to make sure it fit but after the dress shopping day, it was impossible to get her to respond to any of my messages or calls. I tried asking our friends about her but it was like she'd completely dropped off the map!

Eventually, her parents moved much closer to me which I thought would be a good thing since surely we'd be able to see each other more but I still couldn't get ahold of her and I had no idea what her address was or what her new number was. She didn't have a cell phone. I felt like a stalker with how much I watched her facebook wall for any kind of hint as to when I could get ahold of her. And then, about 5 weeks before my wedding, she posts that she's in a relationship with the guy she'd been pursuing for almost a year now. I was happy for her but I had this sinking feeling that was why she wouldn't respond to me.

Eventually, I finally got her to respond when I asked her when was the best time to come visit. She told me any time was fine but her new bf piped in that she wasn't free on the weekends because that was when he was going to come visit her. While that was perfectly fine, I don't see why she couldn't speak for herself. I don't really want to get into the petty details but this guy made it obvious that Roxie was his and no one was allowed to hang out with her without consulting him.

Two weeks...two weeks before my wedding and Roxie still hadn't tried on her dress to see if it fit. I was at my wit's end. So I tried contacting her through her bf. And that's when he jumped me. Now I realize that the internet is a terrible way to communicate because you can easily misunderstand what someone says but I'm pretty sure what he meant was pretty straightforward. Basically, he was upset because I said I didn't care that he and Roxie were together--and why should I? I was happy for them, yes, but I don't know what he was expecting from me past that. It was hardly any of my business. Then he proceeded to tell me how both he and Roxie didn't care about my wedding and that if they did anything to help out, including keeping the promise to be there for me when I needed them, that it was out of the goodness of their hearts and not because they actually wanted to. He said that just because I thought my wedding was important that I shouldn't expect anyone else to care. He even actually said that their love for each other mattered more than anything and anyone else. I was horrified. And when I tried confronting Roxie about it, she was just as confused as I was.

All three of us tried talking it out and it ended with him calling me a b***h and a bridezilla, and somehow even his friends and Roxie's friends were able to jump and attack me as well, saying I was a horrible person and that Roxie should proudly step away from being my bridesmaid because I wasn't worth it. Even my husband was saying I picked the fight because I said I didn't care about their relationship instead of saying I didn't "mind" them being together. Again, I suppose my wording could've been better but like I said, I fail to see how my approval of their relationship would matter.

The fight resolved itself when I apologized for being rude and explained how stressed out I was but Roxie's bf didn't really apologize for his attacks, only said he understood. A few days later, I asked if he could get ahold of Roxie for me and let her know that I still needed her to try on her dress or at least give me her new number so I could get ahold of her and tell her myself. What I got back was "Sure thing! Her number is such and such but she probably didn't reply to you because Tuesday's (the day I tried to get ahold of her myself) the day we devote completely to each other. Heehee!".

To make an already long story short, that was the final straw. I tried calling Roxie to talk to her about all of this one last time but she refused to call me back. She didn't even try to get ahold of me until two days later when she finally messaged me just to tell me that she didn't have my number so that's why she didn't call. At that point, I'd already secured a replacement for her, got the dress to the new girl and knew it fit her just fine.

So, two weeks before my wedding, I had to cut the one girl I thought I was closest to and replaced her with someone who although I barely knew, went above and beyond to make my day amazing for me. The wedding was a complete success and I have wonderful memories for it. The one thing I still think about from time to time and still hurt over is Roxie. I removed her from my facebook but I still see her profile pop up in my suggested friends box from time to time. I wonder how she's doing and if she's still with the guy, and if she even cares that we're not friends anymore. I wonder if anyone gave her hell for the trouble she and her boy toy caused me or if she even regrets any of it. I know it doesn't matter but it still hurts, y'know? I had hoped she'd be one of the ones standing beside me on such an important day but she wasn't.

Re: Still hurting and need to vent.

  • I did not read your entire post but this young lady is undependable. Perhaps you are better off calling it a day with your friendship to her and move on. Chalk this up to experience.

    It also looks like she's not very good at choosing rational, dependable boyfriends. I've got a friend who is like this and she's way way older than Roxie.:) THere is always one in every crowd, as the expression goes.

  • It is hard when friendships end no matter what the reason. It sounds like she wanted this friendship to end when she stopped making an effort to get in touch with you. I have learned to handle my friendships based on the amount of effort the other person makes. I may occasionally call or leave a fb message, but if I don't get a response I stop trying and move on to someone else. Hopefully you never go through this again, but next time if you fb privately and she doesn't get back to you let it go. Its not worth your effort. There are a million other people to be friends with that actually put value on their friendships not just their boyfriends. 
  • I had a similar friend at what I'm guessing was a similar age, and it ended under pretty similar circumstances.  What I came to realize was that this particular friend had always been pretty good at resigning from responsibility for her own life and own choices, and instead of thinking "Gee, Bianca could have done something to prevent the circumstances she's in," people (including me) would just feel so sad for Bianca and wish things would just get better for her.  

    As an example: what you're describing about Roxie's original Mr. Unavailable and how torn up she was because he kept flirting with her and making her think he liked her when he wouldn't leave his girlfriend and so she ended up being his friend with benefits.  He sounds like a jerk that toyed around with her and fooled around on his girlfriend, but she had choices here too.  She could have chosen to think a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend was a creep and not hang out with him.  She could have chosen to not answer messages or have contact with a guy who was flirting with her but was unavailable, but instead she kept up the flirting, hoped for more, and apparently slept with this guy while he was dating someone else.  And instead of it being about, say, feeling guilty that she was knowingly the "other woman," it's all about how sad she is that he won't be with her and how she can't get excited for her friend's wedding because she's working through her issues over her unrequited love.  

    Let's keep going: she also doesn't return your phone calls, doesn't attempt to get your number to contact you about getting her dress fitted (because being a bridesmaid and knowing that she needed to be fitted for the bridesmaid dress is something she could have figured out she needed to do on her own), didn't attempt to contact you to see how YOU were doing, didn't really do anything except stick her head in the sand and let her boyfriend do the talking. Let's assume that what her bf said was the case: she didn't care about your wedding, didn't want or feel she ever needed to be there for you again, and her Love for her boyfriend mattered more than anything else.  She couldn't call you back and say, "You know, I think you should find someone else to be your bridesmaid"? She couldn't say, "I think we've grown apart and should go our separate ways"? That's not something that's her boyfriend's job to say for her or your job to drag out of her- if that's how she feels, that's her job to take care of, and to do as kindly and quickly as she can.  

    After my friendship ended with the ex-friend I'm thinking of, for a long time I missed her and wondered about how and why things happened the way they did, worried for her being with a controlling person, and was angry at her new boyfriend for "controlling" her.  It took someone else saying to me, "You know- maybe she likes being controlled. It sounds like she seeks it out." And I realized, looking out over the whole time I knew her, that that was true.  It had always been that somebody else "made" her do it, and thus nothing was ever her fault.  It was always somebody else that fought her battles for her, and thus nobody ever felt angry at her.  Over issues large and small- only I didn't notice until it was something big, that ended up ending our friendship.  

    Just my $.02.  Sorry things turned out the way they did. 

  • This is a situation where you have to trust that some people are in your past for a reason.  I've learned in life I have the perfect friends for different events going on in my life at that time, but when that time is up those friends are no longer available.  There is nothing wrong with this.  You were there for Roxie when she needed you and she was there for you when you needed her in college.  Now that you are on a different level of life her friendship maynot be what it was with her.  I say cherish the memories and become closer friends with the girl you replaced for with in your wedding.  If this friend went above and beyond to help make your day more special she cares for your friendship and maybe she is the friend your life needs at this stage.  I hope this advice helps ease the hurt.

     Naomi Says

    Naomi Says
  • Thank you guys so much for the input. I was honestly afraid no one would respond because of how terribly long it was (which I'm extremely sorry for). But you guys are right. Completely. And I definintely feel better about it all. I know with time the pain will go away and I'll always treasure the fun times we had but you guys are totally right--it's time to let what happened go and move on. It's good to know that I can at least come here and vent my frustrations.

     You guys are the best! <3

  • Panda, I feel you 100% on this. I had a similar friendship, and I think about the girl all the time.

    In my situation, we were very close til she moved to Cali (to chase some jerk). A few years later after barely keeping in touch with me, she made me a bridesmaid to my surprise. She was totally nuts about her wedding, and none of the things I did were good enough. The worst offense was I forgot to mail the RSVP card back (which, I'm sorry, if I'm in the wedding party, I thought it was pretty obvious that I'm coming to the wedding). I spent over $1000 to come to her california wedding and she treated me terribly the entire weekend. She made me feel like garbage about the RSVP, while overlooking the many thoughtful things I did for her during her wedding preparation. Even after her wedding, it seemed to always come up how I "didn't give a Sh!t about her wedding and I showed that by not mailing the RSVP".  I was so baffled til one day I told her, you know what? I can't do this anymore. I need a break. (and yes, I apologized about 100 times for the RSVP, but come on! It's a piece of paper, things get misplaced. It shouldn't end a friendship!!!).

    She wrote me this looooong and terrible email about how I'm the most self-centered, selfish person she's ever met! Ok. That was enough for me to cut ties with her. I didn't even write back (which took a LOT of will power, cause I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, since I kept my mouth zipped at her wedding out of respect for her and her family). 

     Fast forward to a year later while I'm planning MY wedding, and I got a slew of angry emails from her and her sister for not inviting her. Totally baffling. I mean, why would she want to come to the wedding of the "most selfish person she's ever met"? lol


    Still, I think back to the times we had that were good, and it makes me so sad how people turn on each other. I don't fully understand it, and maybe it's one of those things that'll click in my head when I'm 80 years old. Right now, it's a mystery to me, and it hurts every time. There are other friendships that have drifted apart over the years, and it sucks. I guess people are just too absorbed in their own lives to care. It sounds like your friend got that way too. I guess you just have to let them go and wish them well. Sorry you didn't get to have her in your wedding, but I suppose it's better that way. Imagine seeing her in your wedding pics, and THEN having the falling out? Like what happened with my friend, I feel badly that she sees me in her wedding pics, cause we no longer talk. I hate knowing that my face is the one that makes her cringe when she looks at her wedding pics. :/


  • That sucks when friendships end like that

    But on a side note..signals are going off in my head. That dude sounds so crazy and controlling and I wonder what else was going on in that relationship

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  • image jnjmommy0609:

    That sucks when friendships end like that

    But on a side note..signals are going off in my head. That dude sounds so crazy and controlling and I wonder what else was going on in that relationship

    I wonder too. I hope she's alright. But do you think it's ok for me to message her and ask how she's doing? Or ask a mutual friend of ours if she's still with that jerk? To be perfectly honest, I don't. I don't feel like that's any of my business and I'm still extremely upset and hurt by her. But I'm open to suggestions. 

  • I went thru a similar situation with a college roommate, she invited me to her wedding (out of state, about 7hrs away) and I RSVP'd that I would be able to make it, 4 weeks before her wedding I lost my job and had very little money saved beyond my emergency fund for rent/bills. I called her several times and sent text messages saying I needed to speak to her, not reply so 2 weeks before her wedding I sent her a long message on FB saying that I was sorry I couldnt actually talk to her but I haven't been able to reach her and that I wasn't going to be able to make it, wrote a very heartfelt note to her and her husband and I asked her for their address so I could send a card. The last response I got from her came about 5 minutes after I sent the message that stated "If you can't afford to come to the wedding, don't bother sending a card"

     Sometimes you are just better off. People come and go in your life, it doesn't mean it was a mistake or that time was wasted, it just means their "role" in your life is complete.

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