Trouble in Paradise
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Dealing with Porn Addictions

I found out my husband had a pornography addiction in january.. i was devestated and got reallly suicidal. he told me he wasnt doing it for the reasons that others were doing it and come to find out that was a huge lie... i found out he had been masturbating while i was at work and he was home alone or even while he was at his parents house with me there. i dont understand why he wouldnt just come to me for "lovins".  He promised me he wasnt going to watch it again and i he even swore on our marraige that he wouldnt do it again. two weekends ago i found out that he had been viewing it again... ... i dont know what to do .... i love him with all my heart but he swore on our marriage, he saw that it made me suicidal, he saw the pain and hurt, and he just wanted to do it to me again? i dont understand? when i confronted him about it he told me that he was mad at me and he had no other excuse for why he had been doing it... i dont understand why someone who loves you would want to put you in such a low low place. He is a good mad who works hard doesnt drink, do drugs, or anything but to tell you the truth i would rather him drink or smoke weed that freaking look at other women and masturbate to them? It hurts so bad... i Dunno what i am going to do... i feel so lied to and hurt...... i just want to disappear

 

 

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Re: Dealing with Porn Addictions

  • I'd have him read The Beauty Myth.  In fact, you should probably read it, too.

    FWIW, I don't believe for one moment that he has any sort of addiction here.

    image
  • Well personally I think being suicidal over porn is going extreme and if your emotions are swayed to depression so easily I strongly recommend therapy.

    As far as him being addicted to porn, sex addictions and internet addictions do exist. Talk to any therapist and they will confirm that you can be addicted to pornography and it is actually quite common.

    If you both want to stay married, counseling never hurt. You could probably benefit from it with your tendency to be depressed and suicidal and he could benefit from it to help him with his impulse control.

    Part of him looking at porn could have to do with fantasies in the porn you might not be willing to act out with him or him not feeling comfortable discussing with you. Part of it could be you are a very emotional person and maybe it is just easier to jerk off sometimes instead of trying to get you in the mood. I have no clue and I am obviously going on limited info here so take my two cents with a grain of salt.

     

     

  • YOu are certain he's got an addiction versus he just likes to watch porn and get off.

    You might want to drop into AA and bounce this off them -- speak to somebody there who is a sponsor.  They are hugely experienced with the subject of addictions, which is why they are sponsors. See what advice you can get.

    I do not think he has an addiction -- he's just one of those guys who likes porn and watches it.

    If something is done to extreme excess and it begins to interfere with your life or your loved ones lives, then you bet there is a problem with porn.

    If he's pumping very large amounts into buying porn or viewing porn, to the extent where it is draining your finances, then it's a possible addiction.

    If he needs porn to be stimulated enough to have sex with you, then there's a problem. 

    As I suggested, drop into AA and speak to a sponsor.

    I see a problem inasmuch as it is immaturity -- he's mad at you and that is why he's looking at porn? Aye, carumba....sheesh.... he might be using porn to goad you. And that just plain sucks.

    As I suspected, extreme religiosity figures into this picture...

     I dont even know where to begin,

    Me and my husband got married in june last year, Things had been going really great between us and then  things between us just got weird... we became more distant and less sex and i started getting really depressed and i thought it was me that had a problem... we got into this really big argument and i told him that i was really depressed and that i needed help... he told me i was a mean person and tha if i was nicer to people that i would be more happy... i told him that i was having suicidal thoughts and that i really need him and he just kept saying that if i would treat his family better things would get better (Summed up but there was a lot more screamimg).... that night we were  goiing to babysitting for his parents since they were out of town and while we were at the house i looked at his phone to see the time and found out that he had been viewing porn since november (possibly sooner because november is when we got new phones) it hurt me deeply and i confronted him about it as soon as i found out... he told me that he didnt have an excuse for doing it, and that he was really sorry but that some of his co workers brought it up to him and that is what sparked the interest, When i asked him how long he had been doing it he lied to me and saiid that he had only been doing it for a coupled of weeks so since the begining of january...When i asked him why he did  this to me he said he wasnt  doing it for the reasons that other men do it for.... which i think is another lie!! I asked him when he was gonna tell me and guess what his answer was.... "i was gonna tell you tonight"... yeah bull!!!!  he promised that he will never look at porn again, but i am still so hurt by it... he wont talk to a bishop about it because he said its something he can just repent on his own for... but the reason i think he wont is because he hasnt repented for it before. ( HE said he was into it before we got married and he had cleared it up before).

    After i found out i became so depressed and felt so worthless and ugly that i just completelly shut down... i would have sex with him like 2 times a day for 3 weeks straight... i figured i needed to satisfy him more and he wouldnt look at it right? Discusting i know.... 3 months later and we dont bring it up anymore.... we have had sex once in three months, and i feel like we will never get back to where we were... i have never had some one lie to me so bad and so much.....

    Another note...  i work with my husband and in laws... .. my mil has delt with everything with her husband: porn, masturbation, cheating, lying, bi-polar disorder, acholic, drug addict....etc. She told me that all men look at it and will lie about it and even tho he promised me that he wont look at it again he probablly will... i am worried that i will have to deal with those same problems and she is worried that my husband is gonna be the same as her's...

     I dont want to put up with this... i am the type of person that believes everything happpens for a reason....  I found out that he had been viewing porn while we were  at his moms house,  is that foreshadowing what my marriage with him? I dont know but i get a strong feeling that its going to be that way!!!

    Your problem is that he made a promise he could not keep and then he broke it. And how exactly did you find out he was watching porn at his mother's? Did you walk in and catch him at it, in fragrante delicto? (Maybe you should have offered to give him a hand)

  • YOU need to get some counseling for yourself ASAP! If you were suicidal over your H watching porn you need a lot of help STAT!

    Where did he get diagnosed with porn addiction?

     

     



  • Have you ever actually seen what female and male porn stars look like? I gurantee you these aren't great beauties or hunks at all whatsoever. (hehe -- the viewer of porn isn't exactly looking at their faces when the action begins, that I assure you)

    You also have a self esteem problem. You really think that your H prefers their "beauty" over you??  

    And you truly would rather have him addicted to alcohol or smoke pot excessively rather than view porn???

    Have you ever known anyone with an alcohol addiction? or know somebody whose close relative or friend is a drunk?

    You need counseling yourself if you'd *rather* he be in one of these 2 scenarios rather than look at porn. Is this screwed up or what.:(

    Look into other reasons for the disconnect with sex. It may be that he's masturbated too much and is now not in any shape for intercourse; it could be another reason. maybe it's even a self esteem thing with you, where you don't feel self confident enough to be naked with him because you don't think you're attractive enough. I don't know; it could be one of these, some of these, all of these or maybe even none of the above. It's up to you to communicate with him and ask him what's going on that he's no longer that intimate with you.
  • You have to define 'addiction' for us to understand. Most men look at porn. My DH watches it online a few times a week, I don't think it's an addiction.

    I think the mistake was asking and thinking he would give it up cold turkey, you should've and should suggest for him to tone it down some and give him all the 'loving' you want.  Porn is not cheating, he sounds like an average guy, I don't think it's reason for you to get suicidal. Be happy he's not cheating or sleeping around. 


  • I remember you.  Listen - some guys watch porn from time to time.  There's a big difference between watching porn for recreation versus a real addiction.  Pornography is purely visceral, there are no feelings, no attachment.  People watch to get off.  I do not think he should have made an empty promise of never watching again, I'll give you that.  He at least owes you some honesty.  But you are extremely insecure and you seriously need to seek the help of a therapist to get through this.  Wanting to end your life because your spouse watches porn is really extreme. 
  • Is he actually "addicted" to porn ... or do you just think watching it at all = addiction? Because a guy watching it to get his rocks off sometimes is hardly the same thing as being enslaved to watching porn to the extent that life outside of porn ceases to exist for him.

    The fact that you've become "suicidal" over this, regardless of it's an actual addiction or not is incredibly worrisome. That's not a healthy reaction in the slightest.

     
     
     

    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • OP, I think you need professional counseling - as in a licensed psychologist, not a religious person.  Your posts seem to indicate a high frequency of suicidal thoughts and that is not healthy.

    You also seem to have a overly dramatic fighting style.  You and your husband scream and yell and you make suicidal threats and he tells you to be nicer to his family.   You guys have dreadful communication.  You guys could use marital counseling to help you disagree more productively

    (Step 1. Identify issue at root of disagreement. Step 2. Stick to issue.  Step 3. Identify points of mutuality. Step 4. Come to reasonable solution for points of disagreements. No screaming required.)

    Last time this issue came up, you had sex with him twice a day for three weeks but now you haven't had sex for 3 months?  If you haven't had sex with each other, it is likely that he is masturbating.  Most men use some sort of visual aid to get to orgasm -- in other words, porn.  

    From your posts, it doesn't appear that his porn watching is interfering with the rest of his life.  You say that he is a good man who works hard.  That doesn't sound like a guy who is spending multiple hours masturbating until his pen!s is raw or spending thousands of dollars on porn sites or live sex lines.  Doesn't sound like porn *addiction*.  But it sounds like you view his watching of porn in any amount as a problem, due to his repeated promises to stop.  But your discomfort with porn does not elevate your husband's viewing to an addiction.

    And I imagine the drama surrounding sex with you is making a quick round of masturbating seem appealing

  • image DaringMiss:

    OP, I think you need professional counseling - as in a licensed psychologist, not a religious person.  Your posts seem to indicate a high frequency of suicidal thoughts and that is not healthy.

    You also seem to have a overly dramatic fighting style.  You and your husband scream and yell and you make suicidal threats and he tells you to be nicer to his family.   You guys have dreadful communication.  You guys could use marital counseling to help you disagree more productively

    (Step 1. Identify issue at root of disagreement. Step 2. Stick to issue.  Step 3. Identify points of mutuality. Step 4. Come to reasonable solution for points of disagreements. No screaming required.)

    Last time this issue came up, you had sex with him twice a day for three weeks but now you haven't had sex for 3 months?  If you haven't had sex with each other, it is likely that he is masturbating.  Most men use some sort of visual aid to get to orgasm -- in other words, porn.  

    From your posts, it doesn't appear that his porn watching is interfering with the rest of his life.  You say that he is a good man who works hard.  That doesn't sound like a guy who is spending multiple hours masturbating until his pen!s is raw or spending thousands of dollars on porn sites or live sex lines.  Doesn't sound like porn *addiction*.  But it sounds like you view his watching of porn in any amount as a problem, due to his repeated promises to stop.  But your discomfort with porn does not elevate your husband's viewing to an addiction.

    And I imagine the drama surrounding sex with you is making a quick round of masturbating seem appealing



    This is what I am thinking, also: the OP is labelling the porn watching as an addiction when it probably isn't one at all.

    Like I said, if he's pumping endless amounts of money into porn where it's a drain on your finances, another story: that's an addiction. If he's forgoing work to stay behind and watch porn, it's an addiction.

    And a guy promising that he won't watch porn? Fat chance he'll upkeep that promise if he likes porn; chances are excellent he will continue watching it. End of promise.

    You and he need to see a non-religious conselor, about pretty much every problem you and he have: communication, the sex disconnect, the screaming and yelling, among others.

  • I have to agree with the PPs, a porn addiction? Not likely. He should respect how you feel about it, but it he likes watching it if he really likes it. Does it interfere with his life other than the fact that you don't like it? I think you should seek some counseling regarding your own insecurities as well as the lack of communication skills in your relationship.
  • image DaringMiss:

    And I imagine the drama surrounding sex with you is making a quick round of masturbating seem appealing

     

    DH tells me that one of the things he and his ex constantly fought about towards the end was not having enough sex. He said at that point in their relationship, she was such a nightmare to be around that it wasn't that he didn't want to have sex ... he just didn't want to have sex with her (Or do anything else that involved spending more than 5 minutes alone with her).


    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • image MiniMugLinton:
    I have to agree with the PPs, a porn addiction? Not likely. He should respect how you feel about it, but it he likes watching it if he really likes it. Does it interfere with his life other than the fact that you don't like it? I think you should seek some counseling regarding your own insecurities as well as the lack of communication skills in your relationship.


    I came to the conclusion that the OP sees masturbation as competition. If this is the bottom line, wow, does she need counseling. (And no doubt their religion is busy screaming how wrong masturbation is, compounding the problem)

    OP: Do you know the whys and wherefores of masturbation? And have you ever done it yourself, to yourself, or to him or another partner?

    If you haven't done so, start. You'll discover a whole new world.
  • 70% of men watch porn (according to WikiAnswers). Period. I think you need to change your perspective on this. It isn't cheating, and its not you. Men are just visual people and they watch porn to get off, not because they are emotionally attached to it (unless they DO have a problem, and it doesn't sound like your hubby does). Porn is becoming more and more mainstream, and I think its okay for people to be open and honest about it. You should be open and honest about sex with your husband, find out what he likes about the porn he watches, and try to develop a healthy sex life where it is okay for you both to fulfill the desires that you might have. It isn't fair to make him swear it off because a person's sexuality is complicated and backing them into a corner and telling them they are wrong will only make them resent you. Go at this without judgement, listen to him, and accept the fact that he probably will continue to masturbate throughout your relationship. You should also take a long hard look at yourself and figure out why something like this is making you so depressed. Whatever it is, I'm sure it carries over into other aspects of your relationship. Stay calm, take deep breaths, and work it out! Do whatever it takes, but supporting each other's sexuality is very important, find out what makes it tick and maybe then re-address the porn after you've worked on your relationship for a while. Its quite possible that he'll stop watching on his own once you've developed a healthy sex life. 
  • Okay, now that's just nonsense.  Most men do it, so you need to change your standards for what's okay so that you're fine with it?  Please.

     

    http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

     

    Maybe if women stopped trying to change their thinking to accommodate what men are already doing, then men would have some sort of motivation not to be jerks.

    image
  • He had told me where he had been doing it simple because I asked I never walked in on him heking off or anything... I am just more hurt that he broke his promise to me.. and I told him this time to not make promises he knows he can't keep just to make me happy... that's wrong for him to just tell me what I want to hear...
  • He is the one that told me that he had an addiction... that he can't stop.. l
  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    Okay, now that's just nonsense.  Most men do it, so you need to change your standards for what's okay so that you're fine with it?  Please.

     

    http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

     

    Maybe if women stopped trying to change their thinking to accommodate what men are already doing, then men would have some sort of motivation not to be jerks.

    I agree with all of this, completely.  I do think OP needs to see a therapist or doctor but I don't think because lots of men watch porn she has to accept it.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    Okay, now that's just nonsense.  Most men do it, so you need to change your standards for what's okay so that you're fine with it?  Please.

     

    http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

     

    Maybe if women stopped trying to change their thinking to accommodate what men are already doing, then men would have some sort of motivation not to be jerks.

    Yes, OP certainly doesn't have to learn to love porn. She doesn't need to change to accommodate him in this, but neither should he have to change to accommodate her. I think it all comes down to compatibility- and they don't have it, in at least this one crucial area.

    However? OP, is having an erotic dream about someone other than your spouse cheating? How about a fantasy? Is reading a romance novel cheating? Or watching a movie starring your favourite hot actor, and imagining yourself as his love interest? (If your answer to this is yes, by the way, don't watch Magic Mike.)

    There's nothing wrong with masturbation. As long as your sex life isn't losing out to it, it's natural to want a 'solo quickie' sometimes. It doesn't mean he's rejecting you or bored with you or selfish, it's a way for him to scratch his own itch without any pressure or expectations. You should try it, and I mean that sincerely. I promise you won't grow hair on your palms.

    Porn is fantasy, not reality. Your guy is masturbating to images and his own imagination, and no one should have the right to control someone else's imagination. Or what they do with their own body. You have the right to not like porn, and to not watch it yourself. You have the right to request that your husband not watch it, and he has the right to deny your request about what he does with his body.

    Honestly I don't think trying to make him stop will work, and I don't think it's fair of you to try. He shouldn't be lying to you and sneaking around, but I can understand why he does. In my opinion, rather than forcing him to change you should either loosen up and expand your horizons or divorce now and save yourselves the stress.

    Oh, and you should definitely talk to a counsellor. It is not normal or healthy to be suicidal based on what someone else is or isn't doing. Your husband should not be your world, he should be an important part of it.

    TTC # 1 since May 2010
    DH: 28; superhero sperm (probably w/ little capes & tights)ME: 30; Factor V Leiden blood disorder; once elevated prolactin levels, now normal; clear HSG; normal vag-cams
    Diagnosis: unexplained IF
    4 rounds of 100 mg Clomid = 4 BFNs
    IUI # 1 Oct 24/12: 100 mg Clomid, Prometrium
    First ever BFP Nov 8/12! Stick, baby, stick!





    [url=http://www.thebump.com/? utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers] [img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt14e934.aspx[/img][/url]
  • image KluhE88:
    He is the one that told me that he had an addiction... that he can't stop.. l


    This could be the world's biggest cop out... or not.

    Look: if it bothers you that much, you tell him "it's either the porn or me: make your choice NOW" and if he chooses the porn, you leave. IF it bothers you that much, you'll go.

    Did you stop into AA and speak to a counselor, as I suggested?
  • image KluhE88:
    He is the one that told me that he had an addiction... that he can't stop.. l
    id

    of course he did



  • Him telling you he has an "addiction" is a cop-out.  He's throwing that term out there to bait you into staying and seeing him through this "problem".  But whatever - because honestly, this is an issue of having different values, morals, beliefs.  Plain and simple.  To him, it's "no big deal"... to you it's "Oh hell no you don't."  That's a problem (whether it's about pornography, finances, career, etc).  One of you has to give up something that's important to you - he has to give up porn OR you need to accept that he watches it.  Because at this rate, no matter how depressed/suicidal it makes you, it's apparent he's not going to stop because you demand it.  I think you need to end this now because it's an unhealthy relationship - between empty promises, loosely throwing around "porn addict" to shut you up, and threats of suicide - this is not good.  If 70% of men watch it, you can find one man in the other 30% who doesn't and live a life with a man who shares the same core values as you.  Sorry, but this relationship ain't making it.

  • I didnt even think that he could be saying that just to shut me up, but it totally makes sense... it just sucks because everytime i try to talk to him about my depression he just puts this pitty party on himself telling me he is sorry he is a sucky husband and all that and its not that at all i love him and he is a great husband... he takes good care of me...i have always had low-selfesteem and when we were dating he would always say the cutest things about me and really helped me realize that i am worth something  ... We do have good times and bad times like every couple probablly does, we are both still immature with the way we fight.... ill admit i will just agrree to half the *** he says just to shut him up too... lol horrible to admit but its the truth... i just wish our relationship was a little better on the sex aspect of things, i am a very jealous person. so him looking at porn makes me feel insecure and ugly.... i am trying to get better at understanding the whole fanasty things, but its just new and uncomfortable.... 

    You guys have really opened my eyes and i really apprectiate you guys taking time to comment and stuff

    Any advice to maybe spice things up so i can fill those fanastys hahah or is that even an  hole that only porn can fill? hahah no pun intended

     

     

  • I didnt talk to a counselor,, i have a hard time asking people for help.... i know a counselor would help i just really am terrified...

     

     

  • So YOU are upset, and he turns it around and makes it all about him and how he feels bad and he's so awful, until you end up comforting him over him doing something that made you upset?
    image
  • Summed up to the "T"

  • I told him it was wrong for him to make a promise he knew he couldnt keep and i told him that he needs to tone it down or only watch it with me (we have never done this before) i tried to be more open about it and his reply was " I will only watch it with you then" Has yet to happen but he seemed to have jumped on that wagon pretty fast hahaha i think he just wants to spice things up? but wasnt sure how to ask or didnt want me to get upset about it? i dont know i am so freaking lost at words my mind is going a million different places at  once
  • I'm glad you're willing to at least take a look at porn. You may find it exciting, and it should definitely spice things up. (You may also find that there are new and different things that turn you on!) 

    There are many movies for couples- you might want to start there.

    You say you're a very jealous person. Why do you think that is? Has your DH ever given you cause to distrust him? Do you have a history with cheaters? Talking about these things with a counsellor would probably help a great deal. It's really not much different than posting here- impartial, non-judgmental advice from someone who is outside your situation and is able to see things you're too close to see.

    TTC # 1 since May 2010
    DH: 28; superhero sperm (probably w/ little capes & tights)ME: 30; Factor V Leiden blood disorder; once elevated prolactin levels, now normal; clear HSG; normal vag-cams
    Diagnosis: unexplained IF
    4 rounds of 100 mg Clomid = 4 BFNs
    IUI # 1 Oct 24/12: 100 mg Clomid, Prometrium
    First ever BFP Nov 8/12! Stick, baby, stick!





    [url=http://www.thebump.com/? utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers] [img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt14e934.aspx[/img][/url]
  • I have had my history with one too many cheaters, and that might be were my insecurity is with my self and hubby.. DH hasnt ever given me a reason to distrust him... But because of my past its hard to trust? i think and i am afraid i wont be able to afford going to a consellor... do you know if they work with insurances or does it just kinda depend... i live in a small town and im afraid the consellor will know me or my husband hahah should that really be a consern?

  • Welp Wish me luck i just orderd some intersting toys hoping to spice it up hhahah i am so giddy right now... should i keep it a surprise or just tell hubby ....

     

    I think i will keep it a surprise.... i hope i can get out of this rut i am in.... it suck lol i need more sex lol evendently so does he hahaha

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