Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Happy Ending?

Okay, this thing is turning into a freaking saga.

So last night, H sent me a text that blew me away. He talked to the therapist. And this is the man who thinks that therapists (and doctors in general) are money-hungry quacks. He used the term "head shrink" but he talked to her and that's what counts.

Now he's ready to go to marriage counseling. Now he's ready to make some "big changes". Is it wrong that I don't believe him?

As soon as I saw him, I didn't get that "yay! my hubby's home!" feeling. I felt kinda blah about it. I wished I was excited for him to come home but I'm not. Too much has happened.

His words are kinder but he's still critical. He got in the car and said with a chuckle "the car looks a little dirty". Really? After I've been giving our son nothing but clear liquids in the car and pretty much used up all the Resolve that we bought 2 weeks ago?  The mats are dirty; the arm rest is a little dingy, the car doesn't look new anymore (we've had it for a month). "Don't worry; we'll get it detailed" Sigh. 

He's still insisting that I not take care of him because he doesn't want to burden me. As we speak, he's standing in the middle of the bedroom because he can't get in the bed without assistance.  

I'm feeling very sour. I'm just not believing that he's going to change and I just want to leave right now. 

Re: Happy Ending?

  • You really don't deserve this.
  • In the middle of what's been happening, you've got time to wash a bloody car and vaccuum its interior and do whatever else needs to be done to the vehicle?

    Indeed. how about a "it's great to be home with my wife and my sonny"??? He didn't say that instead???

    He sounds juvenile, self absorbed and infantile beyond belief.

    Bottom line: just taking yoour body to counseling is meaningless -- unless you are willing to 100% with no hesitation work on the marriage. No reservations, no hesitation no ifts ands or buts.

    If he goes and he doesn't work on the marriage or winds up telling the therapist what he thinks the therapist wants to hear, another story.

    Maybe you should let him know now that he works on this with you and if he doesn't, that's the ball game?
  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Has your H always been an @ss?

    I'm really sorry about your whole situation. I hope everything works out well.


  • Honestly, based on everything you've posted in the past few weeks on the boards about your relationship with your husband makes me seriously think (And yes, I say that while fully understanding that you are raising a child together and have jobs before you try using either as a defense for this) that neither one of you is actually mature enough to be married right now.



    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • image RamonaFlowers:

    Honestly, based on everything you've posted in the past few weeks on the boards about your relationship with your husband makes me seriously think (And yes, I say that while fully understanding that you are raising a child together and have jobs before you try using either as a defense for this) that neither one of you is actually mature enough to be married right now.


    So what do you suppose we do? Divorce, mature and then come back Huh??

  • image srgw:

    Has your H always been an @ss?

    No. Just during times of stress. Not an excuse. In tough times, I become frazzled and needy (can you tell? lol) before finally pushing past it. He gets aggressive and does all the pushing at the beginning before finally relaxing. By the time he's ready to talk and comfort, I'm pretty pissed off/over it. Never fails.

    Like clockwork, NOW he's ready to talk. He told me TODAY that when I was in control of all the money and the car while he was gone, he felt....(searching for the short way of saying it)......helpless. That vulnerability and honesty would have gone down a lot easier than trying to boss me around from his bed.

    He still wants to go to therapy (yay!) so the first thing I want to work on is getting on the same page.

     

  • He has been the bigest ass to you. It doesn't surprise me you hit your breaking point and want to walk away after all that ha happened (and have no trust). But he is now wanting counseling, woo hoo! You should both go and learn how to communicate better and work on his control issues (and other things). If you still can't deal and work through this leave. At least you gave it your best. Plus after going to counseling you will have learned skills that will work with other relationships.

    Like PP said you deserve better. 

  • image MrsG2B83:
    image RamonaFlowers:

    Honestly, based on everything you've posted in the past few weeks on the boards about your relationship with your husband makes me seriously think (And yes, I say that while fully understanding that you are raising a child together and have jobs before you try using either as a defense for this) that neither one of you is actually mature enough to be married right now.


    So what do you suppose we do? Divorce, mature and then come back Huh??

    No, divorce, grow up and find a man and a life that bring you happiness.



  • image MrsG2B83:
    image RamonaFlowers:

    Honestly, based on everything you've posted in the past few weeks on the boards about your relationship with your husband makes me seriously think (And yes, I say that while fully understanding that you are raising a child together and have jobs before you try using either as a defense for this) that neither one of you is actually mature enough to be married right now.


    So what do you suppose we do? Divorce, mature and then come back Huh??

     

    I will bet pretty much any amount of money that if you 2 divorced and actually matured, you'd realize that you wouldn't want to "come back" to each other.


    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • Geez Ramona and Magsugar13 why so quick to run to the lawyers? We've started a home and a family together. Communication problems aside, he's generally a good guy to me. He works hard and pays the bills. He's also an excellent father. It's going to take a whole lot more than some snarky comments from him to end our marriage.

    Who are you to say we're not mature and don't need to be married based on the posts I wrote during a couple of bad weeks?

  • image MrsG2B83:

    Who are you to say we're not mature and don't need to be married based on the posts I wrote during a couple of bad weeks?

    They say it because of the information that you have provided, and some of these problems that you are struggling with are the result of immaturity on both of your parts.

    I don't think you should divorce over this, but I think that the two of you have a lot of maturing to do, which you can surely try to do together. 

    Look at how you describe him. "he's generally a good guy to me. He works hard and pays the bills. He's also an excellent father." 

    I can't imagine describing my husband that way. He's funny, sweet, generous, he takes great care of me and our girls, he's charming and thoughtful. He's rubbish at taking care of the house but he spoils our girls rotten and is an amazing cook...

    If I ever, ever had to start a sentence with "he's generally a good guy to me" or "he works hard and pays the bills" that would be a huge, flaming red flag that something was seriously wrong in our relationship.

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • Well, you should be glad he is going to counseling, but I understand your hesitation to be thrilled about it. Give it time, and let him prove to you that he means change. Be open to him and to his wanting to change, but don't expect miracles. Hopefully you two can do some counseling together that will help you both communicate better, which seems to be your main stumbling block. Like PPs have said though, it doesn't appear based on what you told us that either one of you has your whole heart in this relationship together, maybe towards your son you do, but not to each other. I hope you can work things out, but GL!
  • image MrsG2B83:

    Geez Ramona and Magsugar13 why so quick to run to the lawyers? We've started a home and a family together. Communication problems aside, he's generally a good guy to me. He works hard and pays the bills. He's also an excellent father. It's going to take a whole lot more than some snarky comments from him to end our marriage.

    Who are you to say we're not mature and don't need to be married based on the posts I wrote during a couple of bad weeks?

    Are you kidding me?

    YOU have been here for weeks constantly complaining about the stress, the lack of communication, the crappy way he treats you etc. and you want to know why id run to a lawyer?

    Just because someone may be a good guy, doesnt mean he is going to be a good H. Just because he pays bills doesnt make him a good H or a good guy.

    The way YOU have stated each and every  post gives me every right to state MY OPINION that you are both not acting mature enough to be married. (is that mean name calling too?)

    If you want people to blow smoke up your ass and tell you what a great guy you have, how wonderful you are handling things, and how everything is going to be ok...you should have posted that in your OP.

    I've been around a long time and believe me  hearing what you want to hear isnt always the best medicine.

    Someone has got to give you  a shake and tell you to take off the rose colored glasses and that this isnt how a good marriage starts. Others have told you the same thing. I just give it straight, you may not like it, but as this is a public message board and you ask for opinions, mine is going to keep coming.

    You can try to ignore what I say and make believe  you dont think the same things...but you will eventually.

     



  • It's not like I'm going around telling every single person on the planet after one little spat to immediately divorce, no questions asked.

    Prior to your posts about him being hospitalized, there were quite a few posts from you indicative that you fight like teenagers and that you've managed to burn tons of bridges with your friends and family because you can't stop running your mouth all the time about him being irresponsible or a jerk or something ... oh, and let's not forget that he's convinced any issues you may be having with anxiety and depression are just ideas some quack doctor fed to you because you wrote him a check.

    But okay, since this guy pays the bills and that's your idea of the gold standard for a husband, go ahead, completely overlook the fact that neither of you is capable of communicating with a partner like a grown-up, or actually being supportive of each other. I don't have to be married to either one of you, so knock yourself out.


    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • Wow.....I'm a little bit of an occassional lurker on this board, but the replies on this board in general are super snarky. Has anyone made the "for better and for worse" vow? I realize that some marriages will ultimately not work out. But really? Divorce is not the primary answer to EVERY marital problem.

     A couple of super stressful weeks where some annoying and inconsiderate things were regrettably said and done (and they were unhelpful and rude...I agree with that) does not immediately warrant a divorce lawyer. AND the offendant has offered to try therapy, and it sounds like he is apologetic. To me it sounds like he's being a man who is stressed to a breaking point because his desire to provide for his family instead of the other way around is being taken away from him in a difficult way. That doesn't excuse lashing out at the people trying to help him, but I think it does say some good things about his character. At least, enough to try to work on the marriage. 

    Good luck, OP! 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards