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Inlaw rant/advice needed (long)

My ILs have never really liked me.  I believe this is because they don't want to accept that their son/brother has grown into a man and no longer needs to have them make all his decisions for him.  It's quite weird, as his younger sisters also have this mindset.

We dated for four years before getting married, and my DH is a wonderful man, husband and father.  Really the only thing we ever fight about is his family (over) involvement. 

Recently one of his sisters in particular started screaming at me how "i'm a horrible person, and she's never liked me".  My DH told her right then and there to stop it, and how inappropriate & unacceptable her behavior was.  She later recanted and apologized to him..... but has never apologized to me for the horrendious things she said to me.  I told her, that she doesn't have to like me, all I ask is that she respect that I'm her brother's wife and respect that i am part of the family. She's never been able to do this.

We have done nice things for her in the past, like let her live with us, and i really am at a total loss with her. I've let stuff go in the past, because i wanted to get along with his family, but i really draw the line at being yelled at, smacked, and told that i'm horrible and she's never liked me.  After everything I'm really hurt that she feels this way, and doesn't have the decency to apologize to me.

 Now, she wants us to come to her daughters birthday party...... and i really don't feel it's appropriate, or that it sends the right message to let her off the hook.  I just want her to apologize for all the things she said to me, and we can begin to move on from there...

but I guess i just want validation that it's the right thing to do. i feel bad that my daughter won't be at this family gathering, but i just feel like i need to put my foot down. I could write a whole book, but i think that's enough to get the gist. thanks for your advice!

Re: Inlaw rant/advice needed (long)

  • You are treated horribly by your ILs and his siblings...

    But you never came to your own defense when it began. Too bad.

    Your H needs to be a tad more proactive -- he needs to tell his sister to apologize to you or she will be seeing a great deal less of him...and you.

    She smacked you?


    She sounds nutty. And siunce she is nutty, perhaps it is best that you and your H cool it with her until she gets her act together. Inform her of that precisely. ANd if she doesn't get her act together, too bad.:(


  • If your SIL just yelled at you without a physical attack, I'd say go to the party in support of your niece.  But, if she actually smacked you (did I read that right!?) then... I don't know.  I'd talk to your husband about this and see how he feels.  Frankly, if someone hit me, aside from kicking their ass, I would not continue a relationship with them.  Family or not.  It's inexcusable.

    Fortunately your husband spoke to her and seems to be on your side with this.  But, sh!t, I don't know if I could still have a relationship with this woman.

    How does he feel about this?  Specifically the invite to the party?  Yikes, this is a crazy situation...

  • yes, during the argument she smacked me on the arm.

    and i know it sounds crazy, and seriously if she wasn't his sister, i would have zero to do with her ever again...  he is on my side that she should apologize, but he wants to go to the party. i told him to go ahead, but neither i or our daughter would be attending. we discussed it and decided that none of us will be attending, but i know he feels bad that we won't be there.  i just feel like this is never going to end if i don't make a stand somewhere, and this latest stint of hers is the perfect place for her to realize that you don't treat people that way.

  • It's a tough situation for both of you to be in.  If it were me, I'd skip this party then reach out to your SIL and talk to her about what happened.  Hopefully she will at least apologize.  I would hope that if you and your husband make a big enough stink about it, she will learn her lesson to not do that ever again.  Chances are she will still not like you, but if you can at least work on maintaining a civil relationship, that probably would be best.  I would absolutely recommend talking to her, with your husband, to get this stuff on the table... communicate to her that it will not be tolerated going forward, and that if it happens again, there will no longer be a relationship.  Considering how much resentment she has towards you, I think your husband should be the one to communicate this.  Good luck, really sorry you are in such a crappy situation.
  • Not for nothing, but what started the argument?
  • No, I wouldn't go to the party.  At some point his sister has to suffer consequences.  If you all go to this party and "make nice" for show, then that only tells her that she can do whatever she wants.  Sure- she might get yelled at by her brother, but eh... whatever.  What does that really mean?  Nothing.

    ACTION is what is going to matter- and not going to her party is ACTION. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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  • I think that you shouldn't go to the party, but I also think that your niece shouldn't have to pay the price for her mother's behavior.  Can you send a gift with another family member perhaps? 

    We had some family drama with one of my aunts - my middle sister's godmother - when I was growing up (she made some poor life choices and when her marriage fell apart, my Dad gave his support to my Ex-Uncle for getting full custody of their children because that was in their best interest).  My Aunt was livid and completely cut our family out of her life. My poor sister wasn't old enough to understand why my Aunt all the sudden completely stopped caring about her.  They've patched up things in the years since and now things are fine but it was really tough on my sister in the meanwhile.

  • thanks all! I agree, action will get her attention and not merely words. And while niece is only 2, i agree and was planning on sending a gift with another family member, because she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly even though her mother can be horrible. i appreciate the help!
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I think you are doing the right thing.

    And please do not feel GUILTY (or made to feel guilty) about not going to the party.  The fact that you are not going are due to your SIL's chioces, not your feelings about her. 

    And really, skipping her birthday is not "treating her poorly."  She won't even notice you are missing unless other family members make a big deal about it.  My siblings love my kids, but they do not make every party!

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • "I wouldn't dream of going to SIL's house and upsetting her. She really has the right to not have 'horrible people' that she's 'never liked' in her home."

    This is really about her and how she's left your relationship damaged and unresolved.

    "I am so glad she aplogized to you and you've worked it out. I really look forward to us working it out, too, someday." 

    This emphasizes that their relationship is repaired, but yours is not. And that the power to repair it remains with her. Especially going to her house for a special occassion.

  • dont skip the birthday party of a kid who has no involvement in this-that's just spiteful.

    if you keep holding out for an apology i think you might be waiting a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. probably forever.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
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