Family Matters
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wanting a baby

So i have two kids from a prior marriage.  When i got with my new husband he knew that i was "fixed" and couldnt have more.  Of course this has always been a topic if i would ever have to surgery to allow us to have a baby of our own.


Here are my points.

  Id love to have baby with him with my first husband it was all me and he wasnt involved in anything but making that baby.  with my new husband it would be wonderful to share that with him.


However,  I have a 6 and 11 year old and I am not sure i want to start over again..  also i have a friend that did have the surgery and she had a few miss carriages and almost died giving birth I dont know if i can handle all that or if im that strong to handle that.  When i hear almost dying I think "wow my kids need a mom more than anything"  Also it worries that me that the new baby would be treated differently than my two kids because it is his child.


My question is how do i get to him just listen to my side without  thinking i am just saying no.  we have tried to talk about this and he gets upset and says "you just dont understand"  I do understand but i dont think he realizes how scaring it is for me to think of all that.  Its my body going through surgery and carrying a baby and miscarriages and all that.  

Re: wanting a baby

  • Despite the fact you had a tubal ligation or ablation or some other means of "fixing", didn't you discuss the topic of kids with him before you were married?

    The topic of kids included the discussion of  Do we wish to adopt or do we wish to foster a child or children?

    Why not consider adopting an older child?

    Older kids desparately need homes.  There are many agencies and charities --- try the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption (that's the guy who founded Wendy's -- he himself is adopted so this is a dear and near to his heart topic for Mr. Thomas)

    And an older child would be more in "keeping" with the fact that you're probably at least both in your late 30s. Remember: babies take time and energy -- you'll need daycare, babysitters and so forth. And there are 2 kids at a more or less tender age that need the both of your attention. Particularly the tween -- he or she is near or at middle school age and you know what kind of an age that can be for kids...and for parents.:) 

    Your friend who had a difficult birth is probably in the minority.  Chances are very slim that that would happen to you. And her dificulties probably were extrinsic of her reversal of her tubes being tied.

    So your dilemma is that your H wants a natural born child with you.

    Do some research about adopting an older child --- and then see what your H thinks. Researching it together would help, also.

    Maybe he will be receptive to the fact that adopting an older child would be the ideal solujtion for you and him.

    There is also getting a kid fix elsewhere -- how about volunteering as a coach or a mentor for kids? you and your H can do this.

    There are many many organizations, clubs, teams, etc that need adult volunteers.

    There is also the option of being a Big Brother or Big Sister to a kid who has no parent or parents.:)  Think about helping a kid on that front, too. Kids need positive role models.

    Wishing you luck with this one. Let us know what happens.

  • imageNewEnglandWifey:

    So i have two kids from a prior marriage.  When i got with my new husband he knew that i was "fixed" and couldnt have more.  Of course this has always been a topic if i would ever have to surgery to allow us to have a baby of our own.


    Wait I'm confused....if this has been something you talked about before how is it still unresolved after you are now married?

    English is not the OP's first language.

    I am guessing he wants to have kids via natural conception and it is not possible since the OP has had a tubal ligation/ablation of some type.

    And if they talked about this before and it was unresolved before the wedding, bad news.  Never get married without a major issue being solved  and solved to YOUR satisfaction.
  • did you lead him on nd make him think this was an option for you?

    no one can answer if you want more children except yourself.

    if you do want more, then you need to talk to a dr about your medical concerns. only they can outline potential risk, regardless of what happened to your friend. then you need to decide if those risks are ok for you.

    if a pregnancy does carry serious risk to your life and your dh is ok with that...i give him the serious side eye, and would look carefully at who becomes legal guardians of your kids if you ever die. i'm not sure dh would be a great choice. 

    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • If your concerns about having a baby are mostly medical, talk to your doctor. Perhaps your DH thinks your over worrying about medical issues, and your doctor can either confirm or dispel that, which will hopefully take that one issue off the table either way.

    As for the rest of it, you and your husband really need to sit down and discuss until you can reach a conclusion that's satisfying to both of you. If he's a good guy, he hopefully wouldn't treat stepchildren too differently than he treats his own, right? And perhaps you wouldn't mind "starting over" if it means you get to enjoy parenthood from the beginning with someone who's really involved in the whole process, as you said. Only you and your husband can know how you really feel, but it sounds to me like you guys might be able to work something out, if you're both willing to really sit down and hash out the details carefully.  

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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