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Roommate drama

I'm having roommate issues and need advice!

I moved to Columbus, OH with my boyfriend for grad school about a year ago.  A few months ago, he took a job in Cincinnati so he moved to an apartment down there and I started looking for a roommate to share expenses.  My boyfriend and I have been living together for several years, so I wasn't super thrilled about having a roommate again, but I couldn't afford the apartment on my own and didn't want to burden my boyfriend with having to pay for two places.  I didn't know many people here so I had to go the random craigslist route.  I found a girl who was 28, already had her bachelor's and master's and was coming to a school here for a bachelor's in marketing.  She's from China but had been living in Ireland for 10 years.  She seemed pretty cool at first, we cooked a lot together and she was super clean, would even do dishes I left in the sink, and would randomly make me food.  I thought it was going to be a really good experience and that I would get to learn a lot about her culture and vice versa.  After about a month, she started staying in her room constantly and would only come out to eat and pee.  I thought this was sort of weird but thought maybe she was just homesick and at least I was able to have my own space.


She's getting married in China in a month.  When she first moved in, I offered her a glass of wine one night and she told me she didn't drink.  Last week I was down at my boyfriend's.  We drove back up to Columbus and when we pulled up, there was a random car in my parking spot.  A guy I've never seen came out of the house and to the car, and a few minutes later my roommate came out and said she was headed to a party at her teacher's house.  We went inside and there were empty wine bottles in the recycling, an open bottle in the fridge, two wine glasses and two coffee mugs in the sink.  Her computer was in the living room along with a candle and some snacks.  She NEVER hangs out in the living room at all, so it seems shady that she locks herself in her room while I'm there but makes herself at home when I'm not.  It's like why can't you chill in the living room while I'm here?  There was also a note on the chalkboard that said "have a nice day" with a little drawing.  I was really curious who this note would be for since I hadn't been home and all I told her when I left was that I was leaving for a bit, she had no idea when I was coming back so it doesn't seem like she would just write me a random note after being gone for days and no idea when I was coming back.


When I went to the bathroom, there were condoms in the trash.  There was also a suspicious white stain on the couch.  Obviously she's been banging this guy.  The note on the board makes me worry that she had him there while she was gone.  She's only known him for a couple months tops, because she's only been in the country that long, so who knows who this guy is.  Her personal life is obviously none of my business, but the whole situation makes me feel very uncomfortable.  She's clearly not a trustworthy or honest person if she's getting married in a month and *** some dude she just met.  The fact that she was acting all shady and staying in her room and now this just makes me feel really bad about the situation.


We left for a 4th of July party while she was gone.  We got home at about 3:30am and the same car was again in my parking spot.  We come inside and the TV is on but they're sitting in the dining room and she is all nervous and offers us some rice that's clearly been sitting on the table for a long time, saying her friend just brought it to her.  At 3:30am?  The stain had been cleaned off the couch and she stuffed a bunch of toilet paper over the condoms in the trash to cover them up.  I'm not sure what to do.  I don't feel comfortable living with someone who has guys over she barely knows when she's about to get married and possibly leaves them in the house alone, lies, and just in general is a shady person.


Being a cheating whore isn't necessarily reason to kick her out, and both of our names are on the lease.  But I'm not sure if I'm over reacting and should just let it go or talk to her and tell her that I'm really not comfortable and that it would be best if she didn't live there anymore.  Technically I can't just kick her out, but if I put pressure on her to leave I think she would.  Help please!!

Re: Roommate drama

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I would suggest having a talk with her.  Tell her you are concerned about the mess - it is unsanitary for one, but also that when you agreed to have her as a roommate, one of the things you liked was that she had a steady boyfriend/fiance, so you didn't have to worry about random strangers coming into your apt.  Apparently, that has changed, and you'd like to discuss it, as well as some ground rules (such as no strangers left alone in your apt) if she is no longer with her fiance.

    I would not make assumptions about her character based on the condoms. She could have had guests over / a party.  Is it possible her marriage is arranged, and she hasn't even met the groom?  I wouldn't view a last fling before such a marriage as "cheating," if fidelity had never been discussed, and the bride and groom haven't even met.  Maybe a little shady, but not a huge smear on her character.

    Also, many college aged women date (and f*ck) men that they have known "for a couple of months, tops" so I'm not so sure why you are so judgey on that one.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • ..You don't do anything. This is her personal life. Yes it's shitty but is she still paying half the rent and doing her best to clean up after herself right? If so then you don't try and get her to leave. Her behavior with this dude is not personally affecting you. And if it is then..you kinda need to start focusing on your on life.


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  • She lived with her fiance in Ireland and skypes with him multiple times a day.  It's definitely not arranged.

    I know the condoms are from her, just based on how she hid them after I came home and the way she was acting all nervous when we unexpectedly came home late that night.  If they were from someone she had over, she probably wouldn't even know they were in the trash.  Not to mention, having people over to have sex in our house is not ok with me either!

    If she was single, banging someone she just met wouldn't be an issue for me.  It's the fact that she's getting married in a month.  That tells me she's not a very good person, but maybe that's just me.

  • Her having a stranger in the house alone isn't affecting me?  Everything in the apartment is mine, it was fully furnished when she moved in.
  • Then why not make some rules like...no sex on my couch. I mean when I had roommates that was one of my main rules from the very beginning!

     When I say her actions do not affect you I mean she isn't a b*tch to you. 

    It seems that you already have your mind made up and just needed validation. If that wasn't the case then you wouldn't have fought us so quickly. I mean if you do want to kick her out for that then go for it and find a room-mate that is more like you. But you need to remember everyone does something shitty. She is now and I 100 percent disagree with her. But it doesn't make her a bad person all around.

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  • I don't have my mind made up.  Half of me just wants to ignore it so I don't have to look for another roommate that might be even shittier!  But I also really don't feel comfortable with the situation.  

    But like I said, her personal life is really not any of my business.  I now just worry about having a shady person I don't really know living in my house.

  • She pays 1/2 the rent so she has just as much right to live in the apartment,have people over and have her stuff in the living room  as you do

    She does not need your permission or approval.

    If you don't like it then have your boyfriend pay his half of the rent. 


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  • I think you were looking for a friend and she was looking for a room to rent. It's nice that you two were friendly at first, but she's obviously friend-wise 'not that into you' and that's okay.

    She's a grown-up who can screw whomever she wants. She uses the common area when you are not there - that shouldn't be a shocker. It's gross to have sex on your couch and you can tell her that. But its not that shocking that she's using the place when you are out.

    What was your agreement on guests and overnight guests? Have you ever discussed it? It's perfectly fine to remind her of what you agreed upon, or if you never discussed it - to bring it up. I don't know why you are finding this stuff so "shady". It might not be what you expected, but cleaning the couch and covering the used condomes in the trash seem perfectly acceptabel roommate behavior.

    I think you may be too emotionally invested in what you think her behavior should be with you in the common area and her FI overseas. Lock your valuable sh!t up. You should have done that anyway. And let the roommie sort out her issues with whom she's going to marry and who's she's going to eat rice with.

  • The only legitimate gripe here is that the dude parked in your spot. The rest is just normal roommate stuff and her personal life is none of your business.

    You are clearly not meant to have a roommate. Downsize to a smaller place.

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  • I don't see any drama going on here. You found a random person on craigslist to live with you and from what I can see you've been pretty lucky, she's clean and quiet, what more could you ask for? Talk to her about the things that don't work for you, set some rules and you'll be ok. 

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    It is none of your business who she sleeps. However, I'm with you and think it's shady that she's sleeping with someone who isn't her FI. She's getting married in a month for heavens sake! Sucks to be her FI.

    If you haven't talked about general rules for house guests, you should. I wouldn't want random people having sex on my couch. And dude needs to find another place to park if it's your designated parking space his car is in.

    Also, I'm with the pp who suggested you downsize instead of having a roommate. I personally wouldn't want to live with a stranger off of craigslist. So when she moves out in a month maybe you could look into that for when your lease is up.

  • If she is getting married in a month won't she be moving out? Seems a big hassle to start an argument when she is on the lease. Get yourself off it and move in to a more affordable place.
  • Have a talk with her.  Ask for the following:

    1.  Do not let guests park in my space

    2.  Do not leave guests alone in the apartment

    3.  Keep the sex in your room (or at least off my furniture)

    The rest of this is completely none of your business and she has every right to live how she chooses in the apartment she is paying for.  If she's moving out after she gets married - no big deal.  If not, tell her it's not working out and get yourself a smaller place.

    This is why you don't sign a lease with a stranger.

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  • Maybe I need to reread all this because I may have misread, but how do you know that said "strange guy" is not her FI? 
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  • Staying in her room and using common areas when you aren't around isn't strange.  She wants her space.  Although you had hopes that the situation would blossom into a friendship, it seems clear that it is more of a business relationship.

    Cheating on her FI a month before the wedding would make me uncomfortable too.  However, it really isn't your concern.  Also, just because you haven't seen this guy before doesn't mean that she barely knows him.

    I would address the parking spot issue.  Also, you can ask that guests are not left unattended in the apartment.  (But I would not accuse her of doing so since you don't know if she did or not.)

    She is just as entitled to live there as you are since she is on the lease.  I would tread carefully and not pressure her to leave.  Also, is she moving once she marries?  If she is then you only have to deal with her for another month anyways.

  • No she's not moving once she gets married.  This random dude is not her fiance.  She's shown me pictures of him.

     I said she barely knows this guy because she's only been in the country for two months.

     Obviously signing a lease with a stranger wasn't my first choice.  If I wasn't stuck up here for grad school I would have moved with my boyfriend.  But you all are right, it isn't any of my business.  That doesn't change my opinion that she's someone I normally wouldn't want to keep as an acquaintance knowing what I do now.  But I guess I'm just stuck.

     When I put the ad out, I listed a lot of info about myself and my lifestyle and said if this seemed like a good fit then contact me.  If she wanted her own space, then she should have gotten a place on her own.  Obviously I don't want to be bothered constantly and like my own space too, but living in a house with someone and closing yourself off in your room 24/7 seems weird to me.  We'll both be here and go days without seeing or saying a word to each other.  That just makes for an uncomfortable situation.  I wasn't looking for a BFF or even a friend really, but if you're going to live with someone you can at least be cordial.  But whatever, I guess there's nothing I can do now.

  • imageKimbus22:

    Have a talk with her.  Ask for the following:

    1.  Do not let guests park in my space

    2.  Do not leave guests alone in the apartment

    3.  Keep the sex in your room (or at least off my furniture)

    The rest of this is completely none of your business and she has every right to live how she chooses in the apartment she is paying for.

    I was just going to write this. I would be pissed about the guy parking in your space. I also would not want people in the apartment alone.

    Other than that, I too would judge her cheating but you should not say anything to her about that, it's her business. Just file that away as a sort of character reference and limit your future friendship.

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  • imageKrisnizzle:
    If she wanted her own space, then she should have gotten a place on her own.  Obviously I don't want to be bothered constantly and like my own space too, but living in a house with someone and closing yourself off in your room 24/7 seems weird to me.  We'll both be here and go days without seeing or saying a word to each other.  That just makes for an uncomfortable situation.  I wasn't looking for a BFF or even a friend really, but if you're going to live with someone you can at least be cordial.  .

    If you aren't friends and purely sharing an apartment to ease the financial burden for BOTH of you then I don't see why you are so upset about this?

    She doesn't need to "hang out" with you or come into the common areas while you are there.

     If you are both in grad school I would think spending time in your rooms would be normal since you are studying?!

     It really seems like you are taking this too personally and feel slighted because she isn't "hanging out" or satisfying a companionship need you seem to have.

    Again, if this is such an issue then why not give her 30 days notice and ask your boyfriend to cover his half of the rent?

     

     

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  • Why is she not moving once she is married?
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  • I think you are looking for things to be angry at, and a huge part of your problem seems to be that you feel snubbed ("she can't hang out in the living room when I am here, but can go out when I am with my boyfriend?").  After all, who has a boyfriend over and spends the whole weekend in bed (and if she did THAT, would you comment on how this guy is only a sexual relationship, and that was shady as well?)

    I would think about the things that you are REALLY uncomfortable about.  For example, I would tell her that her "friend" can park on the street, but not in your spot.  Also, that you don't want her having sex on your couch.  You can also say that you thought she was engaged to be married, and it's none of your business how she conducts herself, but you wanted a roommate who had a stable relationship, you do not expect strangers staying in your apt. when she is not there, and you don't want a revolving door of boyfriends - "ahem" partners - coming in and out either. 

    Things like wine bottles, rice, how much time she spends in her room when her new beau is not here, is none of your business and you would look foolish addressing them.  

    If you speak so infrequently, you don't know what her marital status is - maybe she is having problems with her fi and is thinking of calling off the wedding. 

    Times may have changed since I was in grad school, but sleeping with a guy you know for two months is not that strange or "shady" to me.  Yes, shady because of your fiance back home, but just banging a guy you know for 60 days would not raise any eyebrows by itself. 

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