Family Matters
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Adoption before or after our own?

I was wondering if anyone had any insight as to what is better for an adopted child-- to be brought into a family as the "first born" or brought into a family where they have already had a biological child.

 DH and I know we want to adopt a child and we also want to have one of our own, but we had the opposite opinion on which order to have the children. We're unsure what would be best for the adopted child and I haven't been able to find much online about it. I was hoping maybe someone here has already made the same decision to adopt and have their own child and what worked best for them.

Re: Adoption before or after our own?

  • Will you be trying to adopt a newborn, infant, toddler, or older child?

    Sometimes that can matter if the chaild is older. And, there may be a board for adoptive parents over on The Bump. They could probably answer too.

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    H and I plan on having our first biologically and adopting the second.

    GL with whatever you choose. Smile

  • I'm not sure why it matters. To me this is like asking people if they plan on having a boy or a girl first. In the end they will all be your children, does it matter what comes first?
    [IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/des47b.jpg[/IMG]
  • I feel like it could matter to an adopted child. My concern was that if we adopt a child first and then have a biological child, the adopted child might feel insecure about the love we have for them and if it's different than the love we have for a biological child.
  • We are willing to adopt any child through toddler age. My preferance would be newborn though.

    And I'll also check out the bump, thanks for the suggestion.

  • I'm adopted and it really does not matter. My parents did adopt other children after me as well. My parents were in a group with a lot of families with adopted children, and some had siblings that were the bio child of the parents before or after the adoption. There are a lot of people who adopt thinking they can't have children and then end up pregnant years later. Or they have kids, try to have more and cannot so they adopt. I can honestly say that us adopted kids never even thought about it and just looked at it as getting a new sibling or being the new sibling.
  • imagetobysnuggles:
    I'm adopted and it really does not matter. My parents did adopt other children after me as well. My parents were in a group with a lot of families with adopted children, and some had siblings that were the bio child of the parents before or after the adoption. There are a lot of people who adopt thinking they can't have children and then end up pregnant years later. Or they have kids, try to have more and cannot so they adopt. I can honestly say that us adopted kids never even thought about it and just looked at it as getting a new sibling or being the new sibling.

     Thanks for responding! That's great to hear and answers our concerns.

  • imageS&KSmith:

    imagetobysnuggles:
    I'm adopted and it really does not matter. My parents did adopt other children after me as well. My parents were in a group with a lot of families with adopted children, and some had siblings that were the bio child of the parents before or after the adoption. There are a lot of people who adopt thinking they can't have children and then end up pregnant years later. Or they have kids, try to have more and cannot so they adopt. I can honestly say that us adopted kids never even thought about it and just looked at it as getting a new sibling or being the new sibling.

     Thanks for responding! That's great to hear and answers our concerns.

     

    No problem! Kids that need to be adopted probably just kind of want to be adopted...doesn't matter the order they come into a family! Don't over think it, good luck!

  • Just so you know, saying "one of our own" when refering to biological children could be hurtful.  Adopted children are certainly "your own" children as well.

    The best practice is to preserve birth order.  Therefore, if you had biological children first, you would not adopt a child that was older than your youngest biological child. 

    Personally, I would have a biological child first and then decide if adoption is still right for your family.  The people I know who were adopted first and the family later had biological children seemed to have a harder time than those who were adopted after biological children were already in the picture.  Part of that may stem from infertility situations where the adopted child feels like adoption was an inferior option to having a biological child.  Once having a biological child occurs, the adopted child feels left out.

    Have you researched all that is involved in the adoption process (the emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the cost)?  Have you and your DH discussed why adopting a child is so important to you?  Have you discussed what level of openness with the biological family you could support (i.e. - letters, photos, skyping, visits, etc.)?    Have you thought about what types of drug/alcohol exposures you would accept in utero?

    I ask because adoption is not an easy process.  Also, unless you are interested in adopting from foster care, it can be very expensive ($15,000-$40,000+).  It can also be incredibly time consuming.  There are many more prospective adoptive parents waiting for infants/young toddlers than the number of infants/young toddlers currently available for adoption.  My cousins have been waiting for an adoptive match for over 3 years.

    If you and your DH would like to experience pregnancy and adoption, perhaps you would be interested in embryo adoption?  If your call to adoption is to help children who are very much in need, maybe you should consider becoming foster parents.

  • imagePuppylove*85:

    Just so you know, saying "one of our own" when refering to biological children could be hurtful.  Adopted children are certainly "your own" children as well.

    The best practice is to preserve birth order.  Therefore, if you had biological children first, you would not adopt a child that was older than your youngest biological child. 

    Personally, I would have a biological child first and then decide if adoption is still right for your family.  The people I know who were adopted first and the family later had biological children seemed to have a harder time than those who were adopted after biological children were already in the picture.  Part of that may stem from infertility situations where the adopted child feels like adoption was an inferior option to having a biological child.  Once having a biological child occurs, the adopted child feels left out.

    Have you researched all that is involved in the adoption process (the emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the cost)?  Have you and your DH discussed why adopting a child is so important to you?  Have you discussed what level of openness with the biological family you could support (i.e. - letters, photos, skyping, visits, etc.)?    Have you thought about what types of drug/alcohol exposures you would accept in utero?

    I ask because adoption is not an easy process.  Also, unless you are interested in adopting from foster care, it can be very expensive ($15,000-$40,000+).  It can also be incredibly time consuming.  There are many more prospective adoptive parents waiting for infants/young toddlers than the number of infants/young toddlers currently available for adoption.  My cousins have been waiting for an adoptive match for over 3 years.

    If you and your DH would like to experience pregnancy and adoption, perhaps you would be interested in embryo adoption?  If your call to adoption is to help children who are very much in need, maybe you should consider becoming foster parents.

    First of all, I realize an adopted child would be one of our own I wasn't trying to say they would be different or loved differently, I just had felt like I typed biological too many times was just trying to get my point across short and sweet. And I've most certainly done the research and DH has as well, adoption is something that is in both of our hearts and something we've been discussing from the beginning of even our dating relationship. Money isn't an object when it comes to bringing a child into our home and when it's so strong in our hearts. I was only asking if anyone had any knowledge on what would make our adopted child feel more comfortable in the family, or if it even mattered because I couldn't find much on that in my research. Thanks for your imput, but I realize what I'm going into and what kind of process it takes wanting to adopt a child.

  • I agree- maintain the birth order more so than at what point you do the adoption.


  • There is a great adoption board on the bump. I was adopted, and work in the field of adoption, and your question is a legitimate one.

    From my experience and what I have seen it does and it doesnt matter. The way you parent the biological child and the adopted child does need to be senstive to the fact that there are differences, but also senstive to the fact that the child wants to be proud of those differences and not ashamed by them, not hiding them, but not putting it on display either.

     In my own story, my parents were unable to concieve, and so adopted my older brother, and then adopted me. When my mom was 40, she finally got pregnant...years after they had given up ever hoping. Honestly, it was hard for me, not only did I become a middle child and lose my status as baby, but I also really struggled with the fact that they now had thier miracle baby. It didnt help that my little sisters temperment is much more like my parents (dad's specifically) and so they naturally spent more time together because they like doing the same things. This added to my struggle for identity as a teenager and I don't think it was in anyway my parents fault, they are wonderful parents, but I couldnt help feeling not quite as important since she was born when I was 6.

    My personal opinion, is that it would be better to have your own first, so that the adopted child doesn't feel that they were adopted as a secondary choice (we couldnt have one so this one will do) if a biological child comes along the way later.

    But at the same time, I would never tell someone not to adopt because they might want a biological child later, theres a lot of children in this world who need loving supportive homes, and when it comes down to it, I think good parenting that is senstive to adoption issues its whats more important then birth order or if you should adopt first or second.

    Get inovlved in the adoption community in your area, most major cities have seminars, groups, even libraries that deal with the complexities of adoption and will better inform you to help you make the decision that is right for your family.

    Here are a couple awesome resource sites if your just in the beginning stages of planning for adoption, or if you want more info on any issue:

    http://www.bcadoption.com/site_page.asp?pageid=332

    http://www.adoptuskids.org/

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