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Communication Struggle

I am having a hard time saying what I want to say to my FI.  Here's the situation

My FI and I have been living together for about a year and a half and will be married July 28th.  I know that the stress of the wedding is just adding to the problem but I would love some advice. 

 I work an office postion (I awnser phones, billing, shipping and recieving) I work 40 hours a week every week.  My FI works a farming postion (He works land with tractors, fixes them, hauls crop) he also puts in 40 hours a week normally (sometimes less sometimes more depending on the season)  I do all the house work,  and I mean all .. I cook, clean, laundry, pick up after him... everything.  I do it without complaining but I feel very un-appreciated and I feel like he could be more tidy,  he literally takes his clothes off and leaves them on the floor with a clothes basket a foot away.  Whenever we get into a fight/discussion about it he always throws it in my face that I sit all day at work.  Which is somewhat true but that doesn't mean I want to come home every night and cook/clean until 9 pm... 

 When I ask for his help with chores to take some of the stress off me he always says all I have to do is ask but when I do he drags his feet and it never gets done anyway......  

 Help :(  I am not really looking for him to do a lot more around the house just a simple pick up his own things and a thank you for cleaning the house hunny..would be enough but all I get is 'You sit all day'  I know he works hard but how do I make him see that I am pulling my weight in a job that is suitable for me?  We don't have money trouble so I know it isn't anything to do with that.

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Communication Struggle

  • How do you change his point of view that you don't do as much of value as he does? How do you make him understand that a relationship is a partnership- where both people hold equal roles and should make equal effort, for the sake of the relationship? How do you make him a responsible person who sees things that have to be done, and does them without needing to be asked as though he's a child?

    The short answer is, you don't.  The long answer is, if he's happy to let you bust your azz cleaning up after him, cut down what you do, and never express appreciation for your efforts, he will never change unless HE wants to change. And right now he sees no reason to.

    I'm sorry. I wish you luck, but honestly I think you should move on. I'm sure you would be happier not being someone's maid.

    TTC # 1 since May 2010
    </br>DH: 28; superhero sperm (probably w/ little capes & tights)</br>ME: 30; Factor V Leiden blood disorder; once elevated prolactin levels, now normal; clear HSG; normal vag-cams
    </br>Diagnosis: unexplained IF
    </br>4 rounds of 100 mg Clomid = 4 BFNs
    </br>IUI # 1 Oct 24/12: 100 mg Clomid, Prometrium
    </br>First ever BFP Nov 8/12! Stick, baby, stick!
    </br>

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  • Honey, it comes with the territory. People that tell you to leave your significant other will fail to tell you that most men have those same habits of not picking up, expecting you to cook and clean etc... Their husbands probably have the same habit. MY husband has the same habit LOL. And trust me I understand what you say about your FI saying you sit all day. My husband tells me the same because he works a very labor intensive job. But he also tells me he appreciate me because I tell him I do all these things out of love and respect for him and try not to complain about it. You should speak to him with the UTMOST RESPECT and tell him that you "respect how hard he works" (men understand the language of respect) and that you would like him to understand how you feel. Don't nag or complain because this only HURTS!! If this is truly the man you want to marry then always show him respect no matter what just as you want him to love you no matter what. Pray and ask God (if you are a believer) to help him change his attitude towards you.

    Tell him first that you appreciate him working hard and you love and respect him for it (again respect lol). Then tell him that you would also like to feel appreciated for cooking and cleaning as well. And if he does happen to drop clothes every now and then, it wont kill you to pick it up (though it is extremely annoying, my husband and his 5 yr. old son do the same thing and all I can do is laugh...MEN! lol). Just dont nag and complain! And RESPECT him. He needs respect as much as you need love. :-)

    Hope this helps!

  • image TruBeauty314:

    Honey, it comes with the territory. People that tell you to leave your significant other will fail to tell you that most men have those same habits of not picking up, expecting you to cook and clean etc... Their husbands probably have the same habit. MY husband has the same habit LOL. And trust me I understand what you say about your FI saying you sit all day. My husband tells me the same because he works a very labor intensive job. But he also tells me he appreciate me because I tell him I do all these things out of love and respect for him and try not to complain about it. You should speak to him with the UTMOST RESPECT and tell him that you "respect how hard he works" (men understand the language of respect) and that you would like him to understand how you feel. Don't nag or complain because this only HURTS!! If this is truly the man you want to marry then always show him respect no matter what just as you want him to love you no matter what. Pray and ask God (if you are a believer) to help him change his attitude towards you.

    Tell him first that you appreciate him working hard and you love and respect him for it (again respect lol). Then tell him that you would also like to feel appreciated for cooking and cleaning as well. And if he does happen to drop clothes every now and then, it wont kill you to pick it up (though it is extremely annoying, my husband and his 5 yr. old son do the same thing and all I can do is laugh...MEN! lol). Just dont nag and complain! And RESPECT him. He needs respect as much as you need love. :-)

    Hope this helps!

    I disagree - I don't think "most men" are like this.  While yes, I believe there are certain gender roles in a household, it boils down to what works for the couple.  And this arragement for the OP is not working.  Not to mention, you PP are suggesting she talk to him with respect, despite his BLATANT disprespect for her?  OP - I don't recommend being a doormat for the rest of your life with this guy.  That said, I think this is a workable problem.  And the effort is going to have to come from BOTH of you.

    Talk to him.  If it were me I'd say "Honey, I don't mind taking care of the majority of the household work.  However, I deserve some appreciation for maintaining the house and providing us both a clean home, clean laundry, dinner, etc.  But I find your blatant disregard for the work that I put in here to be extremely disrespectful and hurtful."  Start there, see how he responds, then address the issue of him not picking up after himself.  "While we are on this subject, I really need you to pull your weight around here and at minimum, clean up after yourself."  Provide examples.

    A relationship is a two way street.  And it's requires that each party be willing to meet each other's expectations (as long as said expectations are realistic of course - and FYI OP, your expectations are realistic.) 

    I'd give him this, if he doesn't follow through, you really have to ask yourself whether or not this is something you are willing to live with?  Is he worth this sacrifice?  If the answer is no, then pack your bags.

  • image TruBeauty314:

    Honey, it comes with the territory. People that tell you to leave your significant other will fail to tell you that most men have those same habits of not picking up, expecting you to cook and clean etc... Their husbands probably have the same habit. MY husband has the same habit LOL. And trust me I understand what you say about your FI saying you sit all day. My husband tells me the same because he works a very labor intensive job. But he also tells me he appreciate me because I tell him I do all these things out of love and respect for him and try not to complain about it. You should speak to him with the UTMOST RESPECT and tell him that you "respect how hard he works" (men understand the language of respect) and that you would like him to understand how you feel. Don't nag or complain because this only HURTS!! If this is truly the man you want to marry then always show him respect no matter what just as you want him to love you no matter what. Pray and ask God (if you are a believer) to help him change his attitude towards you.

    Tell him first that you appreciate him working hard and you love and respect him for it (again respect lol). Then tell him that you would also like to feel appreciated for cooking and cleaning as well. And if he does happen to drop clothes every now and then, it wont kill you to pick it up (though it is extremely annoying, my husband and his 5 yr. old son do the same thing and all I can do is laugh...MEN! lol). Just dont nag and complain! And RESPECT him. He needs respect as much as you need love. :-)

    Hope this helps!

    No, not "most men". Maybe most of the men YOU'VE met. Maybe even ALL of the men you've met. Maybe every single man you know is an irresponsible, lazy azz, but don't assume that's the norm- most of the men I know are the opposite (including my husband). You do realize you're stereotyping and generalising men based on your own experiences, right? 

    TTC # 1 since May 2010
    </br>DH: 28; superhero sperm (probably w/ little capes & tights)</br>ME: 30; Factor V Leiden blood disorder; once elevated prolactin levels, now normal; clear HSG; normal vag-cams
    </br>Diagnosis: unexplained IF
    </br>4 rounds of 100 mg Clomid = 4 BFNs
    </br>IUI # 1 Oct 24/12: 100 mg Clomid, Prometrium
    </br>First ever BFP Nov 8/12! Stick, baby, stick!
    </br>

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=boy&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"><img src="http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_itsaboy.gif"></a>

    </br>
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/? utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers] [img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt14e934.aspx[/img][/url]
  • My FI also does these things quite often. Sometimes, talking to them about it works, other times it doesn't. No woman wants to be someone's maid, but some men are just funny that way. They have to want to change their ways...Even then, if they decide to, all one can do is be patient and not push. :) I wish you the best of luck in your situation.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers PitaPata Cat tickers
  • Sad news is....he is a slob.

    And I will bet you that his mother did everything for him.

    Now you are expected to take his mommy's place:

    I do all the house work,  and I mean all .. I cook, clean, laundry, pick up after him... everything.  I do it without complaining but I feel very un-appreciated and I feel like he could be more tidy,  he literally takes his clothes off and leaves them on the floor with a clothes basket a foot away.  Whenever we get into a fight/discussion about it he always throws it in my face that I sit all day at work.  Which is somewhat true but that doesn't mean I want to come home every night and cook/clean until 9 pm... 

    I would NOT, if I were you.

    He's also woefully immature for not manning up and doing his part. He can't treat you like an indentured servant and he's got to start doing his part.

    Marriage is a partnership. Whether he likes it or not, this means everything is half and half. That means he does his share of the housework -- what does it take, really, to put his things in a hamper, take out the trash, pick up after himself, do the dishes if they need to be done, etc???

    A "mud room" would be nice, if you can set one up --- when he comes home from work, he's to enter at "the mudroom" and change out and put his dirty clothes, boots, etc. in there. If you can swing it, also a sink with running water where he can wash up, too. (I'm a fanatic about not bringing outside grime and dirt into the house)

    He also needs to learn how to address you like an adult.

    I would put this wedding on hold until you and he got joint counseling. He's got to learn how to do his part and he can't talk to you like you don't matter --- YES you have a JOB! and maybe you're not doing physical labor but you are doing a job nontheless. I don't like his viewpoints about that.

    Get counseling and nip this in the bud NOW. When kiddoes come along, if this is not rectified to your liking, I guarantee you you'll be parenting them alone -- this guy won't do his part when it comes to equal parenting also.

    TruBeauty.... I beg to differ:

    Don't nag or complain because this only HURTS!! If this is truly the man you want to marry then always show him respect no matter what just as you want him to love you no matter what. Pray and ask God (if you are a believer) to help him change his attitude towards you.

    GOd also helps those who helps HIMSELF. In other words, he needs to get on the stick and do his part...and the OP needs to stop being a doormat for this guy.

    (the subservient nonsense that you are touting SUCKS. He needs to be a grown up and have respect for her -- that's right: there's zero respect because he doesn't care his FI is doing it all)

    She needs to give her maid-ship a hiatus --- for good --- and she needs to tell him that she is no longer his maid, his cook, his laundress, his entertainment, his love machine and no longer a replacement for his mother.

    And she needs to tell him this now -- along with telling him no wedding until there is counseling and these issues are settled to HER LIKING>

  • image TruBeauty314:

    Honey, it comes with the territory. People that tell you to leave your significant other will fail to tell you that most men have those same habits of not picking up, expecting you to cook and clean etc... Their husbands probably have the same habit. MY husband has the same habit LOL. And trust me I understand what you say about your FI saying you sit all day. My husband tells me the same because he works a very labor intensive job. But he also tells me he appreciate me because I tell him I do all these things out of love and respect for him and try not to complain about it. You should speak to him with the UTMOST RESPECT and tell him that you "respect how hard he works" (men understand the language of respect) and that you would like him to understand how you feel. Don't nag or complain because this only HURTS!! If this is truly the man you want to marry then always show him respect no matter what just as you want him to love you no matter what. Pray and ask God (if you are a believer) to help him change his attitude towards you.

    Tell him first that you appreciate him working hard and you love and respect him for it (again respect lol). Then tell him that you would also like to feel appreciated for cooking and cleaning as well. And if he does happen to drop clothes every now and then, it wont kill you to pick it up (though it is extremely annoying, my husband and his 5 yr. old son do the same thing and all I can do is laugh...MEN! lol). Just dont nag and complain! And RESPECT him. He needs respect as much as you need love. :-)

    Hope this helps!

    This is the most moronic thing I have ever read on the Nest.  No, "most men" do not treat their wives this way. 

    OP- My husband and I both work demanding jobs.  And we BOTH split our housework 50/50.  We also split childcare 50/50.  I would never marry a man like this and I think it's pathetic that someone would accept this as the norm. 

    It's time for your husband to stop being a child, man up, show you some respect and help. And no, you shouldn't need to ask him.  He should just do it.  I would stop doing anything for him, and when he complains say, "Well, now you know how it feels not to be appreciated.  Do it yourself."

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image TruBeauty314:

    Honey, it comes with the territory. People that tell you to leave your significant other will fail to tell you that most men have those same habits of not picking up, expecting you to cook and clean etc... Their husbands probably have the same habit. MY husband has the same habit LOL. And trust me I understand what you say about your FI saying you sit all day. My husband tells me the same because he works a very labor intensive job. But he also tells me he appreciate me because I tell him I do all these things out of love and respect for him and try not to complain about it. You should speak to him with the UTMOST RESPECT and tell him that you "respect how hard he works" (men understand the language of respect) and that you would like him to understand how you feel. Don't nag or complain because this only HURTS!! If this is truly the man you want to marry then always show him respect no matter what just as you want him to love you no matter what. Pray and ask God (if you are a believer) to help him change his attitude towards you.

    Tell him first that you appreciate him working hard and you love and respect him for it (again respect lol). Then tell him that you would also like to feel appreciated for cooking and cleaning as well. And if he does happen to drop clothes every now and then, it wont kill you to pick it up (though it is extremely annoying, my husband and his 5 yr. old son do the same thing and all I can do is laugh...MEN! lol). Just dont nag and complain! And RESPECT him. He needs respect as much as you need love. :-)

    Hope this helps!

    I highly HIGHLY disagree with the first couple of scentences. In my experience men are cleaner then the women! Most men I know are nothing like that and it does not "come with the territory" Now a days this is a bs excuse. Times have drastically changed. They have just decided to be that way.

    I am all for trying as hard as you can in a MARRIAGE before a divorce. In an engagement? Meh. It's important to fix things but it should be done before a a marriage. And I want to throw something else out there. I am sitting here telling you my husband is nothing like the OP's husband and yet I recommend fixing this now or moving on. 

    Other then those two things I agree with the post. A husband and wife both deserve huge amounts of respect from the other. 

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  • I think it's been going on for so long now that he expects it from you and it's likely not going to change any time soon. I would just stop picking up after him - if he wants a clean house, he's going to have to contribute to make it happen.

    If he throws it in your face that he's working hard all day, remind him that you have 2 full time jobs - maid and clerical. How's that fair?

    I personally don't think that's the norm - I firmly believe that both should contribute in a manner that suits your relationship. Yours isn't working so it's time to try something different. Honestly though - stop picking up after him and feeding him. He can manage.

  • I agree with most of the other ladies. It will be hard to change his point of view about you pulling your work load. I have had the talk about helping around the house with my dh many times! He seems to be more receptive (as anyone would probably be) when I sit him down and am very calm and non offensive with him about the subject.I have also tried to slack on what I do around the house and he doesn't get the point hence a higher pile of dirty clothes and not being able to walk through our room so that didn't work for me. He has helped somewhat more but not exactly as much as I would like. I pick my battles though...I feel like I have enabled him somewhat so I take what I can get.  I honestly hope things get better for you. I know how it feels. Wish I had more advice for you!
  • I agree with you. My DH is the same way. I can sit him down and it might change for a little bit, but it doesn't last very long. He has gotten very good about asking for help when I'm making dinner, but he asks when I'm past the point of needing it. I totally pick my battles as well! If it's like this now, it will only get worse and know that you can't change them!
  • I agree with everything laurakaz said.

    My DH does the grocery shopping, because I hate doing it. I cook (because he can't) and do the laundry. We both clean, and he does the outside stuff. Childcare we split. I don't put his things away because, quite honestly, the stuff is his, and if he can't find it then it's his problem. I'm in charge of passports and important documents.

    We never sat down and had that conversation. It was just a division of labor that happened naturally. Because, you know, my husband's an adult. I do plenty behind the scenes and he knows that darn well.

    I respect my husband plenty, TruBeauty- but if he didn't contribute in some way to the upkeep of our house (where we BOTH live) then something would be wrong. OP, it might not kill you to pick up after your husband, but the bigger question is, why on earth would you HAVE to pick up after a grown man? You have to give respect to get respect. And, you know, love is part of respect. If someone doesn't respect you, they can't really love you. It sounds like there's a lot of respect lacking in your relationship, OP.

    OP, you need to think very carefully about this. If you think you can deal with this for the rest of your life, then that's great, and I would definitely take TruBeauty's advice. But from my perspective, I would suggest marriage counseling for the both of you. A cancelled wedding is a lot easier to deal with than a divorce. And marriage doesn't make your problems go away- it magnifies them.

    Also, I'm a bit curious as to how the stress of wedding planning contributes to your FI being a lazy lump. It's a huge party. If you're both stressing out over  planning a huge party, then you're doing it wrong.

    "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."- Emily Bronte Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • So since my post I have sat down and talked it over with him.  Of course at the time of our conversation he said that he does appreciate me and that he will try to help pick up.  I have noticed he is picking up his clothes for the most part and some other things.  No it isn't exactly where I would like it but it?s a work in progress.

    It kind of saddens me how many of you said that we need to re-evaluate getting married.  I think that everyone has struggles (and yes I pick my battles too, that was something my mother always stressed to me) but neither of us have lived on our own, and this is the first time living with a significant other for both of us.  It's a work in progress.

     Also, I'm a bit curious as to how the stress of wedding planning contributes to your FI being a lazy lump. It's a huge party. If you're both stressing out over  planning a huge party, then you're doing it wrong

    As much as it is a huge party there are also a lot of details that get planned.  I don't have a wedding planner so I am doing it all myself.  I think it is normal to be stress before an event, especially one this important.

    I have also tried the suggested just stop picking up after him, which it drives me crazy to live in filth.  I am sure it's part of this whole problem because if it sits there long enough I will pick it up.  I don't know about you guys but I don't like people coming over to a mess. 

    For now I am going to see how our talk works, thanks for the advice

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Best of luck to you!
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