Married Life
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Having your spouse's cellphone password?

Hello All!

 Do you believe all married people should have each other's cellphones passwords? Even more if he/she "cheated" while dating? I believe married people SHOULD not have secrets at all so yes they should have eachothers' passwords.

«1

Re: Having your spouse's cellphone password?

  • There are different layers to this. 

    In my marriage, we both know each others passwords.  For no other reason that we just "do".  I'll need to check his email for something, or whatever - we've been together forever.  We just know this stuff.

    And I will honestly say - if I didn't know them, I don't know that I'd DEMAND to know them, but at the same time, if DH wouldn't let me know them, I'd be wondering why!  If you both trust one another, then you trust each other not to be doing anything questionable and you also trust one another to not use the passwords to "check up" on each other.

    My take - if cheating is involved and if the cheater really wants to regain their spouses trust, they have to be 100% transparent and yes, that means handing over all passwords and understanding that they are going to be checked up on for awhile.

    Cheating destroys trust and you don't get thta back just because you say "Ooops, I'm sorry, I don't do it again".

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Why is there a password on the cellphone in the first place?

    Why would you marry someone who couldn't be faithful when dating?

     

  • Why would you *need* to know the password?

    If it is because a person feels like they need access to "check" what is on the phone then I feel there is already trust issues because if you feel like you need the access then you obviously don't trust the person.

    DH and I both have passwords on our phones and laptops for work related reasons. I know his because I have helped him look stuff up when he has needed me to BUT I never felt the need to ask what it is because I "need" to know it.

     

    <a href="http://www.theknot.com?cm_mmc=community-_-badge-_-fall-_-none"><img src="http://partnerimages.theknot.com/fallbride.gif" border="0" alt="Visit The Knot!" /></a>


    <a href="http://www.thenest.com" manual_cm_sp="community_badge-_-rescuepet-_-20091109"><img src="http://partnerimages.theknot.com/tn_sig_rescuepet.gif" border="0" alt="Visit The Nest!" /></a>


    <a href="http://www.thenest.com" manual_cm_sp="community_badge-_-nestietraveler-_-20091109"><img src="http://partnerimages.theknot.com/tn_sig_nestietraveler.gif" border="0" alt="Visit The Nest!" /></a>

    [url=http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt149711.aspx[/img][/url]
  • Once a cheater always a cheater.
  • Well, if he cheated while we were dating, there's not a chance in hell I would have married him in the first place, so there's that.

    I also wouldn't marry somebody that I felt like I constantly had to "spy on" because I couldn't trust them. Why be in a relationship with somebody that you feel like you have to babysit?


    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • I believe couples should do what is best for them. Relationships aren't always so black and white. For us we just happen to know passwords. Not because "you cheated so I don't trust you" but just..because we wanted to share them. I think married couples should hand over passwords purely because they WANT to. Not because people out there feel they should. And if they don't want to I don't think it's automatically because they have something to hide. It's because they are smart enough to realize "hey I have my rights to privacy and I will use those rights if I choose to do so"

    Also the cheating thing. I think the person who cheated should hand over the passwords on their own without being asked to show "hey I fu*ked up. i want your trust back" But it shouldn't be demanded by anyone.

    <a href="http://www.thenest.com" manual_cm_sp="community_badge-_-craftynestie-_-2010129"><img src="http://images.thenest.com/content/tn_sig_crafty.gif" border="0" alt="Visit The Nest!" /></a>

    <img src="[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/j628g0.jpg[/IMG]" width=220>
  • image RamonaFlowers:

    Well, if he cheated while we were dating, there's not a chance in hell I would have married him in the first place, so there's that.

    I also wouldn't marry somebody that I felt like I constantly had to "spy on" because I couldn't trust them. Why be in a relationship with somebody that you feel like you have to babysit?

    I agree with this 100% so there's no need to go much further than that.

    I also have to say that the only passcodes we have of each other's are the ATM cards; neither of our phones are password protected and our emails automatically sign in on our respective computers. I've never checked H's and I don't think he's ever checked mine. We trust each other so there's no need for all that.

    For the record, it's safe to say that if he wishes to cheat, he'll do it - and no amount of checking up on him will deter him from cheating if he so wishes.

  • I don't even know if DH has a PW on his cell.  I have never felt the need to look. 

    If he cheated, it would be a much different situation.  I doubt I would be around to care.

    together since 2006
    full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
    married since 2011

    TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
    HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
    S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
    Bloodwork: normal
    2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
    Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
    New RE appt 8/14/12
    IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
    Beta #1 BFP! 97
    Beta #2 234
    Beta #3 4937
    ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
    10/20/12 graduated!!!
    EDD 6/7/12
    Team PINK!!

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • image melntaitt:
    image RamonaFlowers:

    Well, if he cheated while we were dating, there's not a chance in hell I would have married him in the first place, so there's that.

    I also wouldn't marry somebody that I felt like I constantly had to "spy on" because I couldn't trust them. Why be in a relationship with somebody that you feel like you have to babysit?

    I agree with this 100% so there's no need to go much further than that.

    I also have to say that the only passcodes we have of each other's are the ATM cards; neither of our phones are password protected and our emails automatically sign in on our respective computers. I've never checked H's and I don't think he's ever checked mine. We trust each other so there's no need for all that.

    For the record, it's safe to say that if he wishes to cheat, he'll do it - and no amount of checking up on him will deter him from cheating if he so wishes.

     

    agree

    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Neither of us have cell passwords, but we keep all passwords in a locked safe that we each have a key to in case something happens to one of us. 

    However, we've never used them to spy, and I wouldn't have married him if he cheated while we were dating. 

    June GP Siggy Challenge!
    [IMG]http://i1072.photobucket.com/albums/w368/fearlessdawnmarie/junebanner-1.png[/IMG]
    ~*TTC Chearleader for gatorwife*~
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home Buying"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt122edb.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0" /></a>
    <p>TTA Until At Least 8/2013
    Dx PCOS 6/2012
    TTC Plan: Lose 65 lbs. to try to improve symptoms </p>
  • We don't have passwords on our cellphones (why would we need to?) and we sorta know each others passwords. (I've asked him to look for specific emails on my account before so I told him the password but idk if he remembers, and vice versa). 

    I don't NEED to know his passwords but I'd be suspicious if he didn't give me them if I asked. 
    image
  • DH doesn't have a password on his phone, but I'm sure if he did I would know it.  I know his email, and fb passwords and he knows mine.

    I am supposed to have a password on my phone because I access my work email on it.  I currently don't have a password because I just got a new phone and the first time I tried to set the password, I locked myself out of my phone and had to do a complete restore of the software...oops. 

    my read shelf:
    Erika's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) Oct Angel Babies Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR RESPONSES!!!!
  • image EastCoastBride:

    There are different layers to this. 

    In my marriage, we both know each others passwords.  For no other reason that we just "do".  I'll need to check his email for something, or whatever - we've been together forever.  We just know this stuff.

    And I will honestly say - if I didn't know them, I don't know that I'd DEMAND to know them, but at the same time, if DH wouldn't let me know them, I'd be wondering why!  If you both trust one another, then you trust each other not to be doing anything questionable and you also trust one another to not use the passwords to "check up" on each other.

    My take - if cheating is involved and if the cheater really wants to regain their spouses trust, they have to be 100% transparent and yes, that means handing over all passwords and understanding that they are going to be checked up on for awhile.

    Cheating destroys trust and you don't get thta back just because you say "Ooops, I'm sorry, I don't do it again".

    All of this. We know of most of each other's passwords, but do not use them without the other person in the same room. I do not check FI's phone and he does not do the same. I believe that there should be some privacy in a relationship, but you need to have established trust for this privacy to work.

    Privacy is not the same as SECRETS.

  • Neither of us has cell passwords, and we both forget to log off our emails all the time.  If I wanted to, I could look through DH's stuff, but its mostly boring or work related or stupid jokes between his friends.  Why would I want/need to look at it?
    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • It depends on why you want/need the password.  I have my fiance's passwords to his email and TD bank account.  But I don't check up on him to make sure he's being faithful.  In my opinion if you feel the need to have passwords for keeping tabs then that's a problem.
  • DH and I know each other's passwords to everything aside from e-mail...but neither of us use email for anything personal and they're linked to our phones so if we REALLY wanted to look-it's there.  As eastcoastbride said though, neither of us demanded to know the passwords, we just do.  More often than not we ask the other for help creating a password for something new and that how we know.  Neither of us abuse this though; we've never had any issues with trust.  

    If there's cheating involved I would expect the spouse to forgo all passwords if he/she truly wants to prove their loyalty.  

  • IDK if it should be a "rule" in a marriage, but my DH and I know each other's passwords just because we get on the computer/phone and pay bills, check e-mail, etc. Neither of us care if the other gets on our accounts because we have nothing to hide. But, I do know people that have nothing to hide but get offended and feel it's an invasion to privacy. It's whatever works for your marriage.
    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2ivekut.jpg[/IMG]

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie.com/xMTXm6.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>
  • I was in a pretty awful relationship where my ex snooped into my account and used the info against me on a regular basis, even when I hadn't done anything wrong (in hindsight it was a textbook abuse case). Now, I have serious issues with giving out passwords.

    I'm also in a field with strict requirements that he can't see some of my emails. 

    I have no problem with showing fianc? what I'm doing at home or socially. My passwords are all in a safe location so e can access what he needs should the worst happen.  He has shown me where to find his, should I ever need them.

    I don't want to be in a relationship where I make him feel I'm looking over his shoulder.  

     

  • SKP82SKP82 member
    Second Anniversary

    DH has a password on his cell phone because it is a work issued cell and they require it.  He'd rather not have it on there because it is a hassle.  But, yes, I know his password.

    I know his computer password and email passwords as well.  Not because I NEED to know them or check anything on his computer or email, but just because I've had to use them before.  He also knows my passwords.

    I know DH wouldn't use my passwords to invade my privacy.  However, there isn't anything on my cell phone or computer that I would be bothered if he found.

    I think the issue is that you're even asking this question.  You obviously don't trust him for some reason and THAT'S the problem you should be working on.

    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • I never even thought of checking my husband's messages or even his phone. Really, who has the time?  I'll lucky I even check my own messages.  

    If you are looking for something bad, you will find it.  If you made the decision to marry your boyfriend who had cheated, then you obviously want the relationship to work.  If so, don't go looking for problems.  You need to go with your gut feeling.  If you are always suspicious, you have to decide whether or not you want to live like that.  Either let the past go or him go...one or the other. 

     

  • I don?t think so, if you trust each other then there is no need to have cell phones passwords or any other password of each other. Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
  • I am a therapist so I lock my phone to protect client information. If an affair happens in marriage, it is appropriate to share password information to build trust.
    God is amazing! BabyFruit Ticker
  • image RamonaFlowers:

    Well, if he cheated while we were dating, there's not a chance in hell I would have married him in the first place, so there's that.

    I also wouldn't marry somebody that I felt like I constantly had to "spy on" because I couldn't trust them. Why be in a relationship with somebody that you feel like you have to babysit?

     

    I agree. While DH doesn't know all of my passwords and I don't know all of his, we have all of our passwords saved on our laptops so we could easily access each others email and social media site accounts, so in theory if I wanted to "spy" on my husband I could, but I don't need to... I trust him, if I didn't why would I have married him?

    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I don't know why it would be an issue.  DH and I know each other's passwords - a phone isn't a good thing to keep secret IMO - my underwear drawer - yes.
    [IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/r22drc.jpg[/IMG]
  • We know each other's passwords for everything, but we never use them. I have never had the desire to read through his emails or scroll through his texts, and assume he has never had the same. 

     The two big reasons we made sure each other had them are in the event of an emergency, such as one of us being hospitalized or something, the other can help communicate with people, etc. 

     The second, and I realize this is morbid, is in case of death, we don't want digital ghosts. When my sister passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, she was in her early 30's her fiance didn't have any of her passwords. The result is that she still has "active" accounts on social networking sites, an old email address keeps getting hacked and spam is sent out to my family from her, and it's just really stressful, creepy, and off-putting. If anything happens to me (knock on wood) I want him to be able to access everything and deactivate any account that makes it appear as though I am still alive. 

  • I have my husband's passwords for everything.  He never cheated and neither have I, but I've had all of his passwords since we started dating and he has mine.

    If he had cheated while we dated, he would have never become my husband.

    ETA:  To add that he gave me his passwords on his own accord and I didn't ask for them.  He felt the need because he was in a relationship.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • image EastCoastBride:

    There are different layers to this. 

    In my marriage, we both know each others passwords.  For no other reason that we just "do".  I'll need to check his email for something, or whatever - we've been together forever.  We just know this stuff.

    And I will honestly say - if I didn't know them, I don't know that I'd DEMAND to know them, but at the same time, if DH wouldn't let me know them, I'd be wondering why!  If you both trust one another, then you trust each other not to be doing anything questionable and you also trust one another to not use the passwords to "check up" on each other.

    My take - if cheating is involved and if the cheater really wants to regain their spouses trust, they have to be 100% transparent and yes, that means handing over all passwords and understanding that they are going to be checked up on for awhile.

    Cheating destroys trust and you don't get thta back just because you say "Ooops, I'm sorry, I don't do it again".

    This exactly!

     

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I don't understand why you would need to password protect your personal phone....unless you're at work. That's a huge red flag...
    *MyBio-> 07.05.2012* UPDATED: 06/08* Daisypath Anniversary tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • My spouse and I don't have cell phone passwords. But I do believe that if either of us did, we should share them with each other if needed. It's not really a big deal to me if I have it or not, though.
    My hope is your story will be about changing.-A Million Miles Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards