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MIL Issues...

I'm sure we've all had issues (maybe not all) with out MILs. I've always had a problem with her, even when husband and I were engaged. She always did things that she knew made me feel uncomfortable, then played the victim when I expressed my concern. So my husband, then fiance, always took her side because she claimed I was being insensitive to her needs. And now that we are married this is continuing. She told my husband that she wants us to go to her church tonight, and then to dinner afterwards. I have no problem with the dinner. However, her church is only in Spanish, and I do not speak Spanish, so it makes me a little uncomfortable to have to sit there for 2 hours and not understand a single word. I expressed my concern to my husband, and he thinks I'm being insensitive to her 'needs.' How do I deal with this? I feel like yelling at her and telling her to cut the cord, and at the same time, I feel like yelling at my husband because I feel like I am constantly being taken as the bad guy because he always sides with her.
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Re: MIL Issues...

  • image mpotl001:
    I feel like I am constantly being taken as the bad guy because he always sides with her.
    Why don't you just say that? Anyway, I'd just say "no thanks to church. But I will meet you two after for dinner." my life got MUCH easier when I stopped feeling guilty for other peoples hang ups. You get to decide if you want to sit guru church. YOU. Act like it.
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    image livinitup:
    Why don't you just say that? Anyway, I'd just say "no thanks to church. But I will meet you two after for dinner." my life got MUCH easier when I stopped feeling guilty for other peoples hang ups. You get to decide if you want to sit guru church. YOU. Act like it.

    Ditto this!

    Your MIL made an invitation - you don't have to accept!  Your MIL will not like you better if you sit through 2 hours of Spanish mass.  TELL your H "I don't understand Spanish, I'm not going to church."  If he gives you are hard time, tell him you will join them for dinner, and you're not going to discuss it further.

    Your H has always stuck up for his mother and clung to her apron strings.  Why did you think that marriage would make things different?  Neither of them are going to change, so you are going to have to be the one that does by standing up for yourself.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Well you will hear this several times, but this is a husband issue not a MIL issue.  The fact is that if he had to choose between making her happy and making you happy, he would choose her.  Not really upholding his vows to "forsake all others" and " let no man come between them." 

    Honestly, there are some deeper issues going on here and these issues are serious enough to warrant going to a counselor over. 

  • He always took her side?

    Might I ask why you didn't bid this overgrown preschooler goodbye when that began?

    You won't have much success having him break that pattern now. Enjoy being a fifth wheel and taking a back seat to your MIL, instead of being an equal partner with your husband.

    When you marry, your spouse IS your family. Too bad you and he don't get that.

    Being his name is Jose, this is also a cutural issue. Normal for many cultures...but not ours.
  • Sadly, you knew this about both of them---that she was not fond of you, made you feel uncomfortable and that he sided with her over you---since before you were married.

    Did you really think marriage would change this for you? The only one who can change this situation is you. Just don't go...an invitation can be declined.

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  • Honestly, your husband is being a major puss (can I say ***?).  I agree, this is not a problem with your MIL, this is something you need to address with him.  And I would sersiously recommend telling him flat out "You are a puss... you chose me to be your wife and I am supposed to be number one."  I had an issue with my guy putting his mom's feelings before mine (in a much less forward way then your husband has) and I addressed immediately.

    He needs to grab his balls and start acting like a MAN, the HUSBAND you married.  This is horsesh!t. 

    Now regarding the invite to church... there is absolutely nothing wrong with declining an invite.  You can't spend all your time worrying about making other people happy. 

    You and your husband need to nut up.

     

  • image cbradeis:

    Honestly, your husband is being a major puss (can I say ***?).  I agree, this is not a problem with your MIL, this is something you need to address with him.  And I would sersiously recommend telling him flat out "You are a puss... you chose me to be your wife and I am supposed to be number one."  I had an issue with my guy putting his mom's feelings before mine (in a much less forward way then your husband has) and I addressed immediately.

    He needs to grab his balls and start acting like a MAN, the HUSBAND you married.  This is horsesh!t. 

    Now regarding the invite to church... there is absolutely nothing wrong with declining an invite.  You can't spend all your time worrying about making other people happy. 

    You and your husband need to nut up.

    Sure...you can say pus_sy here on these boards. Just a little creative hypenation will do ya.:)

    "You are a pus_sy and you chose me to be your wife and I am number one." Indeed tell him exactly that.

    Seriously consider telling him, "I am YOUR FAMILY not your mother. And if you do not like that, there is the door" and then take it from there.

    the OP needs to nut up. This is not a MIL problem: it is an H problem and an OP problem.

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    You have an H problem, not a MIL problem. I'm sorry.
  • You need to have a discussion with your husband about expectations.  His expectations are not realistic.  Your MIL does not "need" you to attend church.  That is a very personal decision that you are entitled to make yourself.  Your husband should not guilt you for choosing to not attend.

    Your husband needs to prioritize that the needs of you and him as a family over his mother's needs.  If he doesn't understand this you will continue to have problems.  

    The problems with MIL should quickly resolve once you and your husband present a united front.  And really, dealing with his mother should mostly fall to your husband.

  • Question - did you guys do premarital counseling before you got married?If so, this issue should have been addressed during those sessions.....either way, everyone here is right - your husband should be putting you first, not his mother. I realize for some that this is hard to do when it comes to family but when you marry someone and they become your family and take priority. Perhaps a 3rd neutral party (counselor) can help in reminding your husband of this. 

    In the end - Happy wife = happy life ;)

     ps - your MIL is never going to change....only you can change how you choose to deal with her....

  • image R.Wilsonny:

    Question - did you guys do premarital counseling before you got married?If so, this issue should have been addressed during those sessions.....either way, everyone here is right - your husband should be putting you first, not his mother. I realize for some that this is hard to do when it comes to family but when you marry someone and they become your family and take priority. Perhaps a 3rd neutral party (counselor) can help in reminding your husband of this. 

    In the end - Happy wife = happy life ;)

     ps - your MIL is never going to change....only you can change how you choose to deal with her....



    A counselor that specializes in cultural differences is necessary.

    It's okay for his culture to do what that culture does --- but he is married to you, who is not of that culture. And that's where the crux of the problem is.

    There is also a wedding vow that goes "forsaking all others." That means he puts you first, no ifs ands or buts and no "but it's my culture" whether he is Hispanic, Vulcan or Betazoid: you come first.
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image R.Wilsonny:

    Question - did you guys do premarital counseling before you got married?If so, this issue should have been addressed during those sessions.....either way, everyone here is right - your husband should be putting you first, not his mother. I realize for some that this is hard to do when it comes to family but when you marry someone and they become your family and take priority. Perhaps a 3rd neutral party (counselor) can help in reminding your husband of this. 

    In the end - Happy wife = happy life ;)

     ps - your MIL is never going to change....only you can change how you choose to deal with her....



    A counselor that specializes in cultural differences is necessary.

    It's okay for his culture to do what that culture does --- but he is married to you, who is not of that culture. And that's where the crux of the problem is.

    There is also a wedding vow that goes "forsaking all others." That means he puts you first, no ifs ands or buts and no "but it's my culture" whether he is Hispanic, Vulcan or Betazoid: you come first.

    You are absolutely right. I actually deal with this with my inlaws....they are Romanian/Armenian and while my inlaws are nice people, they have these expectations that we have to do whatever they tell us to do whenever they tell us to do it - especially my MIL, although my FIL can be really hard sometimes too. It has caused problems in the past, but I will say it has gotten better....I've learned to just turn on that filter and tune them out whenever they start with their nonsense. Smile and nod, then just do what we want anyway. If something they say really bothers me, I simply let my H know and have him deal with it....it's hard though - especially if your inlaws are much older....old people tend to be set in their ways and will never change....



  • nettjenettje member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments
    Going to have to agree with others... this isn't an issue with your MIL. This is an issue with your H. But it sounds like he's a bit of a momma's boy so good luck with that.
  • Have you always expressed how these situations make you feel to your husband? Prior to getting married? .. The reason i ask is because being hispanic myself, i see two sides to this.

    One side being that i completely understand how this could make you feel uncomfortable and don't understand how your MIL and husband can be so insensitive towards this. The other side being that, you knowingly married a man that is from another culture. If two hours of church service makes you uncomfortable then i don't want to imagine how you would feel at his families bbq for 5 hours. 


    Bottom line - If you haven't really expressed this before then maybe you should try to understand that your husband did not know this is how you felt towards his culture. I would be confused if my husband never showed any problem with it and then all of a sudden told me he felt uncomfortable. I mean that a bit of a deal breaker on whether you marry someone or not.. On the other hand, if you have expressed this to your husband prior to getting married then you need to tell him that he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. He knew these situations would arise and he chose to marry you anyways. Therefore he needs to be understanding and realize this wont change overnight, if ever. 
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