Family Matters
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Future stepmom needing some encouragement...sorry, long...

So, here's my story.  I've been with him for 6 years and we're getting married in August.  He has 2 daughters, ages 12 & 14.  Since the very beginning I really made an effort to let the girls guide our relationship (meaning MY relationship with THEM, not their dad, just to clarify)  It wasn't always easy, nothing ever is, right?  They are incredibly good girls and I am very very lucky to have them in my life, but until recently I didn't feel as "close" to them as I would have liked.  But, knowing that I wasn't going anywhere I patiently waited until they were ready.  Things have been going great lately... 12y.o. tells me she loves me several times a weekend, and has even started hugging me IN FRONT OF her mom!!  Aaaah, and here we come to the problem.  Their mom and I have NEVER gotten along.  And not for lack of trying on my part. I've certainly had my moments, and maybe early on I said some things I maybe shouldn't have, but it's hard to keep your mouth shut when you see the man you love being manipulated and walked all over by someone who doesn't give an ISH about him, just his money.  Well, this past weekend his daughters graduated, one from 6th grade, one from 8th. Well, the plan was to have a joint family barbecue (at some neutral spot like a park...and not the one we are getting married at!)  and include both of our families, mainly his mom who traveled from out of state expecting something like this only because the girls' mom suggested it in the first place.  Well, nothing was getting planned so we took it upon ourselves to plan a party for them.  We of course invited the girls' mom and family from her side.  They (not so politely) declined.  I later heard through the grapevine that She told His mom (my future MIL) that the reason she didn't come was because she can't stand being around me and my "snide remarks" make her sick.  She really didn't know what to think of this and didn't respond, but I'm even more flabbergasted as the only 3 things I've said to her in the last 6 months were: "have a great weekend' " Your girls are awesome and reflect the great job you do as their mom" and "congratulations on their graduations, you must be very proud"... WHAT did I do wrong?? It's not like I love to be around her, either, but I go to events where I know she will be because it's FOR THE KIDS!  I think what bothers me the most is that she's able to get under my skin like this.  The fact that she is ABLE to hurt my feelings.  Why do I care so much?  Any suggestions or reccomendations for A. Feeling better about the situation or B. making it better??  

Thanks if you got to the bottom of my "book"  :) 

Re: Future stepmom needing some encouragement...sorry, long...

  • Just FYI, there is a blended families board on the nest and they might be better with dealing with your H's ex. 

    I would let your fiance handle his ex on his own.  Keep your mouth shut, at least while she is in earshot.  If she's used to having her way and walking all over your fiance, she's not going to be happy that things are changing and YOU are changing it.  It seems you have made a big effort to get along with her, and I would continue with that - at least when the girls are around.  You don't have to be besties with her any other time.

    As for her comments to your FMIL - let it slide off your back.  Unless you are truly horrible, she should have kept her mouth shut, and probably gone to the party for the sake of her girls.  She didn't, so she needs to blame someone and look like the good guy - so she's blaming you. 

  • Thanks, maybe I'll look for that board & repost, I didn't see it at first :)  

    Is that "okay" to do? 

  • I later heard through the grapevine that She told His mom (my future MIL) that the reason she didn't come was because she can't stand being around me and my "snide remarks" make her sick.  She really didn't know what to think of this and didn't respond, but I'm even more flabbergasted as the only 3 things I've said to her in the last 6 months were: "have a great weekend' " Your girls are awesome and reflect the great job you do as their mom" and "congratulations on their graduations, you must be very proud"... WHAT did I do wrong??

    It sounds like you did nothing at all wrong.

    A grapevine is agrapevine. Maybe the information isn't factual; maybe somebody is looking to start a ruckus.

    Your FI needs to take your side in this -- make sure he stands together with you.

  • So, snubbing you and giving cause to badmouth you to MIL is more important than celebrating two milestones in her girl's lives?

    Pathetic.

    Six years later and you're still letting her call get to you? This is going to be the same sad story when they graduate HS and college. Learn to live with it.

    And let yourself off the hook. She'd be this way with anyone with her ex and around her kids.

    That said, I would make a point of not getting a kick out of hugs from her kids in front of her. Someone this fragile shouldn't see that. It just stresses the kids (they feel the tension) and stirs the pot. Make a point to let the girls know it is special to hug and say hello after she leaves.

    And drop caring about why she's more invested in pissing you off than doing what's right for her girls.

  • image ElHec2012:

    Thanks, maybe I'll look for that board & repost, I didn't see it at first :)  

    Is that "okay" to do? 

    Yes.  Sometimes people say they've posted on another board and were directed to the 2nd board.  You can introduce yourself, etc. 

  • Thanks everybody, and I will continue to try my hardest.  It's not always easy... but in the end it's always worth it.    
  • Blended Families is on the Bump, not the Nest in case you're still looking for us :). Hi, step mom of two girls here. You probably didn't do anything WRONG, but most exes aren't too fond of the step mom on principle and vice versa as well. If she is going to be nasty, she is going to be nasty. You can't control it and don't take it personally. Let DH steer communication with ex for a bit. I have been with DH for 8.5 years, we currently get along OK with ex but it wasn't always this way. Its not a simple situation so you just have to roll with it. Good luck!
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