Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Have a Problem and Need Answers/Advice
My husband and I are getting married in September. I don't have kids, but my husband has a little girl. The problem is he wants her in the wedding, but I don't. I feel that it will only be a distraction for my special day as people will be eyeing her to see how she interacts with her father.
Re: Have a Problem and Need Answers/Advice
Don't get me wrong I soooo love my guy and I care for his little girl. Well maybe I should have mentioned this as well. There has been drama for his ex concerning their daughter's role in our wedding/ life. It's like on day she's okay with her being in our wedding and other days she acts as if she doesn't want her involved. I just want to be happy on "our special day".
You're not just marrying your FI. You are marrying a man who is a father, and he comes with strings attached. The sooner you make peace with that, the better off you'll all be.
Ummm - I am going to be as nice as I can be and I NEVER get snarky. Get over yourself. You're marrying a man with a child and that child is going to be a huge part of your life so you better get used to it now. .
You're concerned that a child is going to steal the spotlight on your pretty princess day? That screams problem right there. I'm sorry, I can't sugar coat that one.
It is very telling to me that you said, "I love my guy and care for his little girl". They're a package deal honey. Dealing with his ex is part of the package for him too. If you exclude her from being a part of your day, you're going to end up looking like the evil stepmother.
I get where you're coming from to a small degree. Your wedding day IS a special day. But you're becoming a new family unit and your soon to be step daughter is part of that. She needs to be involved in some way.
While I have to commend you for not getting defensive, I would highly recommend getting counseling NOW if you want this relationship to work. This is an issue that you need to figure out as soon as possible. If you're not up to marrying a man with a child, that is completely fine- but you really need to figure that out sooner rather than later, know what I mean? It really isn't fair to the little girl if you don't view her as part of your family. And it's not going to be a great marriage for you, either, if you feel that the child is more of a burden than a blessing.
Kids at that age can be funny. They're gung ho about something one day and the next, they don't care about it.
A flower girl's role is to look cute.
She won't steal your spotlight. Promise.
Thanks for your sarcasm, glad I have tough skin
When my DD was 3 she was the flower girl in my brother/SIL wedding. Trust me when I tell you that no one will mistake anyone but you as the focal point.
You need to seriously think about marrying a guy with a kid. It doesn't sound to me like you are OK sharing your FI attention, and if he's any kind of man, if he's made to choose, he'll choose the LO every time. So, him proving to be a real man may result in you being single. And if he's a POS as a man, you end up winning him. Ironic, huh?
[IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/t6xkxy.jpg[/IMG]
First of all, please consider that you're talking about a little girl... And like it or not, she came before you in your fianc?'s life. Her mother's actions are absolutely irrelevant. Plus, YOU will look like the wicked stepmother if she's not in the wedding.
Please don't marry this man unless you love this child and are willing to deal with her mother over the course of the child's life. I definitely agree with the previous posters that counseling should occur now rather than later.
If you don't want to share your spotlight or to have to sacrifice to do what is best for the child, then find someone who doesn't have children. It really is that simple.
My advice, see if you can re-schedule until you can be a little more effusive about your soon-to-be stepdaughter. If she's young enough to be a flower girl, you have many years of putting her needs and wants ahead of yours.
Stepmotherhood looks like a vacation you didn't get to take because this is the year you pay for braces, the new car that goes to college tuition, the date night that becomes dinner at home because she has an ear infection. And all for a kid who would prefer her mom and dad fell in love again. If you aren't prepared to accept the package, move on.
There's a Blended Family Board at The Bump. Check it out. Lots of moms on both sides of this issue.
Reality is you're planning a life, not a Quincenera.
It doesn't sound like you are ready to be a stepmom. And I'm not saying that is a terrible thing, because I know that I couldn't do it either. But the important thing is that I didn't marry a man with a child.
I think you need to get counseling BEFORE the wedding to determine each other's expectations regarding his daughter-what role you are going to play, etc. That girl is always going to be a major part of your FI's life, and she may interfere with your plans sometimes, as PP noted. But you need to decide if you can accept that. Because it isn't fair to your FI or his daughter if you go into this marriage unsure if you can accept and love her as a part of your family.
If my husband wouldn't have wanted my daughter (whose father is a grade A douche and causes all kinds of problems) in our wedding, for the purpose of not stealing spotlight, I would have ran. Just sayin.
if I were your fiance, that is what I would do now, to make sure my child is always put first. Understand that she will always come first to him, and that is the way it absolutely should be.
Don't marry him until you are sure and ready to take o nbeing a stepmother. And right nowk, I don't think you are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stepmotherhood looks like a vacation you didn't get to take because this is the year you pay for braces, the new car that goes to college tuition, the date night that becomes dinner at home because she has an ear infection. And all for a kid who would prefer her mom and dad fell in love again. If you aren't prepared to accept the package, move on.
This x1,000,000.
From you post, it really doesn't sound like you're cut to be a stepmother at this time. It's a HUGE commitment, one for which you will get very little, if any, acknowledgement. You will have to put up with the ex at the very least until the child is 18, and more likely for years after that. It's harder than you can imagine.
I agree with the others who say that you should start the counseling NOW to determine if this is really something you can do.<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb2f.lilypie.com/W3hQm5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Second Birthday tickers" /></a>
DirtyRed said it well. Read her posting a couple of times.
I am a bonus grown up to two fabulous girls. They are terrific kids and they surprise me frequently with their appreciation of what I do for them. But if being a parent is a thankless job then being a step-parent is utterly thankless. There is no "Stepparents' Day" courtesy of Hallmark. You will always be "not their mom", no matter that you will do everything for them as if you are their mother. It sucks, but there are 1000 moments that make up for it.
Here is my advice: separate the child from the ex in your mind. Whatever drama the mother creates, ignore it. Remember, that little girl spends most of her time at her mother's house absorbing her mother's anger and annoyance at the new marriage her father is creating. The child is conflicted - wanting to please mommy but wanting to love daddy and you too. When you are at your wit's end, put yourself in the little girl's shoes. The little girl is probably excited to be part of daddy's wedding and wear a pretty dress, but she knows that mommy is angry about it all. She feels torn between her loyalties to her parents. What a hard thing to put a little girl through.
So take that feeling of empathy and let it color everything you do or say to her. Never say ANYTHING bad about her mother where there is the slightest chance for her to overhear it. You will always have to be the bigger person. Always.
It does, however, make you a bad person to marry a guy when you don't want to deal with his drama-laden ex and kid.
And if you are more worried about your Pretty Princess Day than your long term relationships with people that *will* be in your future life, you shouldn't be getting married at all.
If this is your excuse, people will do that if she is in the wedding or not. Is there more to this story? Do you have any feelings of resentment or jealousy toward her because you are not the only female in his life?
I ask these questions because I've seen it before (not me but someone I'm very close to) and it caused a lot of issues later in life.
I agree with a lot of posters above that your wedding day will only be the beginning. His daughter is going to come first a lot and you will have to take a back seat sometimes. You might need to come to peace with a lot of this so the child never feels like a burden to you.
dont get married. to anyone. with children. ever. you special princess.
"The problem is he wants her in the wedding, but I don't. I feel that it will only be a distraction for my special day as people will be eyeing her to see how she interacts with her father."
Geezus!!!
I think you explain further in this stream of messages but frankly I'm so put off by your original post I can't go on.
Agreed. If she's in the wedding, people are going to spend 30 seconds talking about how cute she is, and how nice it was that she was included. If she's not, they're going to side-eye the heck out of you for ages.
And everyone else hit the nail on the head - if you're not 100% committed to this girl being in your life, then you need to do everyone involved a favor and back out now.
This can't be a serious post. Braggalot? That's your s/n? Well, that explains your incredibly selfish and spoiled brat post about your oh so pretty princess day. Apparently, you're not very mature if you want to exclude your future stepdaughter from your wedding because she might take away from you. I bet you use the word "me" a lot, don't you?
Wow.