Family Matters
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Have a Problem and Need Answers/Advice

My husband and I are getting married in September. I don't have kids, but my husband has a little girl. The problem is he wants her in the wedding, but I don't. I feel that it will  only be a distraction for my special day as people will be eyeing her to see how she interacts with her father.

 

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Re: Have a Problem and Need Answers/Advice

  • I don't mean to sound harsh but- are you serious? Maybe you should reevaluate marrying a man whose child you would gladly exclude from "your special day". She deserves a better stepmother than that. And he deserves a wife that will not be too selfish to allow his daughter a role in her pretty princess day.
  • Don't get me wrong I soooo love my guy and I care for his little girl. Well maybe I should have mentioned this as well.  There has been drama for his ex concerning their daughter's role in our wedding/ life. It's like on day she's okay with her being in our wedding and other days she acts as if she doesn't want her involved. I just want to be happy on "our special day".

  • imagebraggalot2:

    Don't get me wrong I soooo love my guy and I care for his little girl. Well maybe I should have mentioned this as well.  There has been drama for his ex concerning their daughter's role in our wedding/ life. It's like on day she's okay with her being in our wedding and other days she acts as if she doesn't want her involved. I just want to be happy on "our special day".

    I'm sorry but you posted here and I have a feeling as though you're going to get a lot of comments about your behavior.  You're talking about a little girl who didn't choose to be in this position, who has no control over her life, and whose father is marrying a self-centered, spoiled little princess who thinks she (the little girl) doesn't matter and isn't important.  You're going to be in this girls' life for a good long time (or not, depending on whatever) and if you want to make any kind of positive impact on her quality of life, it starts now.  Your "special day" should include her in whatever way it can.  

    You're not just marrying your FI.  You are marrying a man who is a father, and he comes with strings attached.  The sooner you make peace with that, the better off you'll all be.   

  • Ummm - I am going to be as nice as I can be and I NEVER get snarky.  Get over yourself.  You're marrying a man with a child and that child is going to be a huge part of your life so you better get used to it now.  .

    You're concerned that a child is going to steal the spotlight on your pretty princess day?  That screams problem right there.  I'm sorry, I can't sugar coat that one. 

    It is very telling to me that you said, "I love my guy and care for his little girl".  They're a package deal honey.  Dealing with his ex is part of the package for him too.  If you exclude her from being a part of your day, you're going to end up looking like the evil stepmother. 

    I get where you're coming from to a small degree.  Your wedding day IS a special day.  But you're becoming a new family unit and your soon to be step daughter is part of that.  She needs to be involved in some way.  

  • I understand all of what you guys are saying. Two months prior to our actual wedding, we will attend a ten week counseling session and the above mentioned topic is going to be first thing up for discussion.
  • imagebraggalot2:
    I understand all of what you guys are saying. Two months prior to our actual wedding, we will attend a ten week counseling session and the above mentioned topic is going to be first thing up for discussion.

    While I have to commend you for not getting defensive, I would highly recommend getting counseling NOW if you want this relationship to work. This is an issue that you need to figure out as soon as possible. If you're not up to marrying a man with a child, that is completely fine- but you really need to figure that out sooner rather than later, know what I mean? It really isn't fair to the little girl if you don't view her as part of your family. And it's not going to be a great marriage for you, either, if you feel that the child is more of a burden than a blessing.

  • Why wait? Once he finds out you are more concerned about "your special day" I'm sure he will tell his daughter to buzz off and let you have your spotlight. 
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  • imagebraggalot2:

    Don't get me wrong I soooo love my guy and I care for his little girl. Well maybe I should have mentioned this as well.  There has been drama for his ex concerning their daughter's role in our wedding/ life. It's like on day she's okay with her being in our wedding and other days she acts as if she doesn't want her involved. I just want to be happy on "our special day".



    Kids at that age can be funny. They're gung ho about something one day and the next, they don't care about it.

    A flower girl's role is to look cute.

    She won't steal your spotlight. Promise.
  • Thanks  for your sarcasm, glad I have tough skin

     

  • We had my niece and DH's niece as flower girls in our wedding and i don't remember anyone even mentioning anything about the flower girls taking away from "our" special day.
    The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart. -- Helen Keller Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • When my DD was 3 she was the flower girl in my brother/SIL wedding. Trust me when I tell you that no one will mistake anyone but you as the focal point.

    You need to seriously think about marrying a guy with a kid. It doesn't sound to me like you are OK sharing your FI attention, and if he's any kind of man, if he's made to choose, he'll choose the LO every time. So, him proving to be a real man may result in you being single. And if he's a POS as a man, you end up winning him. Ironic, huh? 

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  • First of all, please consider that you're talking about a little girl...  And like it or not, she came before you in your fianc?'s life.  Her mother's actions are absolutely irrelevant.  Plus, YOU will look like the wicked stepmother if she's not in the wedding.  

  • Can't wait to hear the post when you get pregnant.


  • Please don't marry this man unless you love this child and are willing to deal with her mother over the course of the child's life.  I definitely agree with the previous posters that counseling should occur now rather than later.

    If you don't want to share your spotlight or to have to sacrifice to do what is best for the child, then find someone who doesn't have children.  It really is that simple.

  • imagebraggalot2:

    Don't get me wrong I soooo love my guy and I care for his little girl. Well maybe I should have mentioned this as well.  There has been drama for his ex concerning their daughter's role in our wedding/ life. It's like on day she's okay with her being in our wedding and other days she acts as if she doesn't want her involved. I just want to be happy on "our special day".

    My advice, see if you can re-schedule until you can be a little more effusive about your soon-to-be stepdaughter. If she's young enough to be a flower girl, you have many years of putting her needs and wants ahead of yours.

    Stepmotherhood looks like a vacation you didn't get to take because this is the year you pay for braces, the new car that goes to college tuition, the date night that becomes dinner at home because she has an ear infection. And all for a kid who would prefer her mom and dad fell in love again. If you aren't prepared to accept the package, move on.

    There's a Blended Family Board at The Bump. Check it out. Lots of moms on both sides of this issue.

    Reality is you're planning a life, not a Quincenera.

  • It doesn't sound like you are ready to be a stepmom. And I'm not saying that is a terrible thing, because I know that I couldn't do it either. But the important thing is that I didn't marry a man with a child.

    I think you need to get counseling BEFORE the wedding to determine each other's expectations regarding his daughter-what role you are going to play, etc. That girl is always going to be a major part of your FI's life, and she may interfere with your plans sometimes, as PP noted. But you need to decide if you can accept that. Because it isn't fair to your FI or his daughter if you go into this marriage unsure if you can accept and love her as a part of your family.

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  • If my husband wouldn't have wanted my daughter (whose father is a grade A douche and causes all kinds of problems) in our wedding, for the purpose of not stealing spotlight, I would have ran. Just sayin. 

     

    if I were your fiance, that is what I would do now, to make sure my child is always put first. Understand that she will always come first to him, and that is the way it absolutely should be.  

  • I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and focus on the issue of not knowing whether or not the daughter's mom will let her be in the wedding. I had a similar problem when I wanted my sister's stepdaughter to be the flower girl, and her mom kept changing her mind. We ended up waiting until the very last minute to print the programs, and told the mom that it was her decision, that we really wanted her daughter to be a flower girl but as her mom she had the final say. Her mom even bought her a dress, only to pull out the week of the wedding. I felt really bad for my step-niece but really, we did the best we could. Sometimes you have to be OK with a little uncertainty.
  • imageJuris11:

    It doesn't sound like you are ready to be a stepmom. And I'm not saying that is a terrible thing, because I know that I couldn't do it either. But the important thing is that I didn't marry a man with a child.

    I think you need to get counseling BEFORE the wedding to determine each other's expectations regarding his daughter-what role you are going to play, etc. That girl is always going to be a major part of your FI's life, and she may interfere with your plans sometimes, as PP noted. But you need to decide if you can accept that. Because it isn't fair to your FI or his daughter if you go into this marriage unsure if you can accept and love her as a part of your family.

    All of this.  While I get along w/ my stepmother now, when I was a kid - she really didn't sign on for the full package deal, and my dad has custody of my brother and I.  And I know i suffered for it.

    Don't marry him until you are sure and ready to take o nbeing a stepmother.  And right nowk, I don't think you are.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  •  Stepmotherhood looks like a vacation you didn't get to take because this is the year you pay for braces, the new car that goes to college tuition, the date night that becomes dinner at home because she has an ear infection. And all for a kid who would prefer her mom and dad fell in love again. If you aren't prepared to accept the package, move on.

     

     This x1,000,000.

    From you post, it really doesn't sound like you're cut to be a stepmother at this time.  It's a HUGE commitment, one for which you will get very little, if any, acknowledgement.  You will have to put up  with the ex at the very least until the child is 18, and more likely for years after that.  It's harder than you can imagine.

    I agree with the others who say that you should start the counseling NOW to determine if this is really something you can do.

     

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  • Aside from the issues that everyone else brought up about your relationship with the child (which I 100% agree with, you should want the little girl in your wedding to show that she is part of the family you're creating), you also mentioned that there is drama with your FI's ex.  Please consider all of this before you get married.  Do you really want to get married and become a mom overnight?  And do you really want to deal with drama from an ex?  Two friends of mine married men with children and ex-wives, and both of the ex-wives cause all kinds of issues.  One friend had her divorce finalized last month.  The other one complains constantly about the ex.  This child and this woman will be a part of your lives forever, and you need to be okay with that.  If it's not something you can handle, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as you don't take that final step and walk down the aisle.  My friend who got divorced I lost a ton of respect for because these issues were clear prior to the marriage and she ignored them and now doesn't even see her two young step-children anymore (and they had grown very close to her).  When children are involved things are much more serious.  Really think about what you're doing and if this is something you're ready for.
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  • DirtyRed said it well.  Read her posting a couple of times.

    I am a bonus grown up to two fabulous girls.  They are terrific kids and they surprise me frequently with their appreciation of what I do for them.  But if being a parent is a thankless job then being a step-parent is utterly thankless.  There is no "Stepparents' Day" courtesy of Hallmark.  You will always be "not their mom", no matter that you will do everything for them as if you are their mother.  It sucks, but there are 1000 moments that make up for it.

    Here is my advice: separate the child from the ex in your mind.  Whatever drama the mother creates, ignore it.  Remember, that little girl spends most of her time at her mother's house absorbing her mother's anger and annoyance at the new marriage her father is creating.  The child is conflicted - wanting to please mommy but wanting to love daddy and you too.  When you are at your wit's end, put yourself in the little girl's shoes.  The little girl is probably excited to be part of daddy's wedding and wear a pretty dress, but she knows that mommy is angry about it all.  She feels torn between her loyalties to her parents.  What a hard thing to put a little girl through.

    So take that feeling of empathy and let it color everything you do or say to her.  Never say ANYTHING bad about her mother where there is the slightest chance for her to overhear it.  You will always have to be the bigger person.  Always. 

  • You know, it doesn't make you a bad person not to want to deal with a guy's drama-laden ex and kid.  You don't have to marry, or even date, guys with that kind of baggage if you don't want to.  You know that, right?
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  • imageReturnOfKuus:
    You know, it doesn't make you a bad person not to want to deal with a guy's drama-laden ex and kid.  You don't have to marry, or even date, guys with that kind of baggage if you don't want to.  You know that, right?

    It does, however, make you a bad person to marry a guy when you don't want to deal with his drama-laden ex and kid.

    And if you are more worried about your Pretty Princess Day than your long term relationships with people that *will* be in your future life, you shouldn't be getting married at all.

  • I don't know; people get a lot of confusing messages about how a partner's past shouldn't matter, and how it's selfish and shallow to discount a guy just because he has kids.
    image
  • imagebraggalot2:

    My husband and I are getting married in September. I don't have kids, but my husband has a little girl. The problem is he wants her in the wedding, but I don't. I feel that it will  only be a distraction for my special day as people will be eyeing her to see how she interacts with her father.

     

    If this is your excuse, people will do that if she is in the wedding or not.  Is there more to this story?  Do you have any feelings of resentment or jealousy toward her because you are not the only female in his life? 

    I ask these questions because I've seen it before (not me but someone I'm very close to) and it caused a lot of issues later in life.

    I agree with a lot of posters above that your wedding day will only be the beginning.  His daughter is going to come first a lot and you will have to take a back seat sometimes. You might need to come to peace with a lot of this so the child never feels like a burden to you.

     


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  • Is this MUD?  If this is real, you arent ready to be a stepmom.  If your DH has a child, you wont come first all the time.  You have to make sacrifices.  I just dont even know what to say to this.  I cant imagine fighting with DH over my SDs being in the wedding.  They are my family.  All four of us walked down the aisle together after the ceremony and we were announced as (lastname) family instead of Mr. and Mrs. Lastname.  We had a family table for the four of us.  Im baffled that you wouldnt want her to be a part of this.
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  • dont get married. to anyone. with children. ever. you special princess.

    "The problem is he wants her in the wedding, but I don't. I feel that it will only be a distraction for my special day as people will be eyeing her to see how she interacts with her father."

    Geezus!!!

     I think you explain further in this stream of messages but frankly I'm so put off by your original post I can't go on.

    My Blog - Life, Love and Laughter No government can dictate who we love. Life is short...so do what feels right!
  • imageTrishd:
    imagebraggalot2:

    My husband and I are getting married in September. I don't have kids, but my husband has a little girl. The problem is he wants her in the wedding, but I don't. I feel that it will  only be a distraction for my special day as people will be eyeing her to see how she interacts with her father.

     

    If this is your excuse, people will do that if she is in the wedding or not. 

    Agreed. If she's in the wedding, people are going to spend 30 seconds talking about how cute she is, and how nice it was that she was included. If she's not, they're going to side-eye the heck out of you for ages.

    And everyone else hit the nail on the head - if you're not 100% committed to this girl being in your life, then you need to do everyone involved a favor and back out now.

  • This can't be a serious post. Braggalot? That's your s/n? Well, that explains your incredibly selfish and spoiled brat post about your oh so pretty princess day. Apparently, you're not very mature if you want to exclude your future stepdaughter from your wedding because she might take away from you. I bet you use the word "me" a lot, don't you?

    Wow.

    Oh, FFS.
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