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MIL

I know mother-in-laws every where do things to frustrate their daughters-in-law. Help me gain some perspective on mine, PLEASE!

 My in-laws moved to Florida (from Ohio) in September of last year. This has been their dream for many years, and we (hubby, siblings, and spouses) supported this dream. My husband is the youngest child, but by far the most mature and the most sound financially speaking.

 My mother-in-law's parents still live in Ohio (about 1 hour away from where we live). Almost two years ago, grandpa began to have a lot of health issues. My mother-in-law was the caregiver out of her 4 siblings (only my MIL and her oldest sister lived close enough at the time to be the caregivers). My MIL assured us that her sister would be the caretaker once they moved to Florida.

 About a month ago around Easter, my husband informed me that my MIL was coming to Ohio to take grandpa to a doctor's appointment. I was in complete shock. Then, my husband informed me that he had PAID for my MIL's roundtrip flight to do this. I was furious. He had never consulted me about this purchase, and he constantly criticizes the way that I spend money. He apologized and things seemed to be fine.

 While MIL was in Ohio, she reported that she would be driving to South Carolina from Ohio with her parents to spend Easter with her brother, then driving to Florida with her brother, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, and both of her parents for a few days. No big deal. She told us what day she would be returning to Ohio, and she was scheduled to fly back to Florida then next morning. At 10pm three days before she is expected, she calls my SIL to say she will be at our house the next day at 5pm. She never called me or my husband to report this. Thank God my SIL let us know! Again, I was upset. I work FT, I am going to grad school FT, I have a horrible back injury that prevents me from doing heavy housework (my mom and my sister often come to help me with this), my hubby works FT, and he goes to school FT.

Next day, MIL shows up to our house at 12pm, and she sounds like she has pneumonia (cherry on the sundae, right?!?). She never called. I was frustrated again. She has done this to us multiple times, even before she lived out of state. I just don't appreciated my time being disrespected like that. Hubby asked her to be respectful of our time and schedules and to call in advance in the future.

She called this weekend to say she will be visiting again in June. She is driving to Ohio, and she wants to stay with us. If I truly believed that she could be respectful of our time, I really wouldn't have a problem with it. This last incident was just so ridiculous and it is still so fresh that I'm having a hard time agreeing to it.

 *Side note: My MIL always has a perfect home/always neat and clean. She has made comments to me about my SIL's house, her step-daughter's house, and her SIL's house. I feel like my house needs to be in tip top shape when she visits. Again this is hard because of my back injury and hubby NEVER helps. Most frustrating feeling in the world! *

 My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. I asked if she could stay with one of the other children or at a hotel. He thinks there is no room for her to stay with her other children and that she can't afford to stay in a hotel. Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to burn bridges with her, but she is so rude when it comes to respecting our time. Thoughts?

Re: MIL

  • well, since he thinks its a bad idea for her to stay in a hotel, tell him youll stay in one instead.

    he can call you when she leaves.



  • image rebekka_50:

     About a month ago around Easter, my husband informed me that my MIL was coming to Ohio to take grandpa to a doctor's appointment. I was in complete shock. Then, my husband informed me that he had PAID for my MIL's roundtrip flight to do this. I was furious. He had never consulted me about this purchase, and he constantly criticizes the way that I spend money. He apologized and things seemed to be fine.

    I would have a serious issue with this. Sounds like your DH would rather ask for forgiveness than permission so to speak. He is making these decisions without your input. I think this issue wiith your MIL is a symptom of a bigger problem?

    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image rebekka_50:

     About a month ago around Easter, my husband informed me that my MIL was coming to Ohio to take grandpa to a doctor's appointment. I was in complete shock. Then, my husband informed me that he had PAID for my MIL's roundtrip flight to do this. I was furious. He had never consulted me about this purchase, and he constantly criticizes the way that I spend money. He apologized and things seemed to be fine.

    I would have a serious issue with this. Sounds like your DH would rather ask for forgiveness than permission so to speak. He is making these decisions without your input. I think this issue wiith your MIL is a symptom of a bigger problem?

    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Your big problem: Your H.

    He spends money without consulting you and he sits on his ass and never helps with the housework. Great guy you have there.

  • I have helped my parents out a couple times since I've been married. They are going through a difficult financial time due to the economy, and I am glad to help. They paid for my college, it is the least I can do to try to help them out.

    That said, I would not consider for a SECOND doing so without checking with my husband. As a married couple, financial decisions should be mutually decided. It is absolutely not ok that your husband is making these choices without consulting you. I would be more concerned about the issues with your H, versus being angry with you MIL.

    If I were you, I would have a frank talk with him about boundaries, finances, and how decisions need to be made as a couple. 

  • I'm with mags. You stay at the hotel and let your H be the host with the most. He can do the shopping, he can do the laundry, he can do the cleaning, he can do the cooking. Let him know you'll meet them for dinner each night she's in town.
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    He spends large amounts of money without your okay and never helps around the house even with your back injury. This has H problem written all over it.

    I'm with pp. If his mom will be staying at your house he can clean and play host. Sorry your H is an a$$ and puts his mom's happiness before yours. And your mom & sister clean your house because your H won't? Hell no.

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    Your big problem: Your H.

    He spends money without consulting you and he sits on his ass and never helps with the housework. Great guy you have there.

    Exactly. You're focusing on your MIL but your husband won't clean his own house? He doesn't tell her to call? He doesn't say "this isn't a good time" when she doesn't?

    Decide together how you want your house to be for her visit. Then decide how you're going to get it that way. Why is this ALL on you? Why not pay for house cleaning? Or Dh can stop being lazy. Or you can drop your expectations. Something has got to give. You have a lot of options, including saying you're not open for visitors.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I'd be pissed at hubby over the financial issue of buying her ticket but the rest is kind of drama-whoreish.  I mean, I get it, it's inconvenient.  But..... Really?
  • It sounds like you and DH need to have a serious conversation about expectations when it comes to dealing with extended family members.  You should also probably revisit division of household labor.
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I don't have a back problem, and my husband helps around the house. 

    You got a real winner, on your hands! 

    I would tell your H that it is his job to start cleaning up your house, b/c it is embarressing for you to have YOUR sister and mom come clean the house, while an able-bodied adult sits on his *ss. 

    Ditto the hotel.  Why should you be disturbed?  Let your H realize how much work it is to host. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image magsugar13:

    well, since he thinks its a bad idea for her to stay in a hotel, tell him youll stay in one instead.

    he can call you when she leaves.

    Co-signed.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I would totally talk to my husband about how he doesn't let you in on his "idea's" with his plans on money. No matter how helpful it is, he should still do that.

    I had the same issue with my MIL with me and my H time. Well,not the same situation,but how she thinks she can pop in whenever. My husband is ok with doing things like that,but tends to "forget" or it doesn't bother him. So as a newlywed (just nov2011) or first Valentines day together she showed up at 6:30 /7 pm. My H was on a tow run,so I didn't think nothing of it,....until after. She showed up without calling two nights after that on my H nights off.Which is rare for a tow driver. So I talked to her myself. Nothing harsh or mean. Just put down my boundries. I told her to call before showing up because my H and I might be in the middle of something ;). That got her lmao. "I didn't need to hear that" she said. "Well it's better than interupting it lol." I said. She did try and say she was in the neighborhood (she works in the neighborhood for petes sake). I said "You do have a cell,and I would appreciate if you would call,thats all." Don't get me wrong I like your company,but somedays I might not want to talk to anyone or just spend time with my husband." She calls now,and no hard feelings. It is scarry though.

    I wish you luck!

  • Lol! I agree. That will cause conflict with her, but it will prevent the rudeness, which is outright ridiculous :)
  • image rebekka_50:

    She called this weekend to say she will be visiting again in June. She is driving to Ohio, and she wants to stay with us. If I truly believed that she could be respectful of our time, I really wouldn't have a problem with it. This last incident was just so ridiculous and it is still so fresh that I'm having a hard time agreeing to it.

    Your husband needs to call his mom and tell her that she is more than welcome to stay with you in June, but this time you need a better timeframe of when she expects to arrive at her house.  A couple weeks in advance, confirm the actual date and the general time of day (morning, afternoon, evening), and at least 2-4 days prior to the date confirm the timeframe (like between 7-8pm.)  And he can tell her that if her plans change, to call him immediately and at that time they can try to work a different plan out because you might have plans for a different date/time and make it sound like he just wants to make sure she has a good visit.

    (If she pushes and makes it seem silly for all this planning, then say he could be more firm and say that this is how he makes plans with anyone else who visits and it makes everything go smoothly.  And that he would hate to have his mom have to stay in a hotel because of a lack of planning ahead of time.  She can't fight logic...well she can but she'd look like a fool...)

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