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My Husband Hates My Parents and Maybe Me as well! Need advice!

Ok, so I am at a loss on what to do. My husband will not stop telling me how much my parents have done nothing but bring stress into his life since day 1, and he says all kinds of hurtful things regarding them. Even to the extent of implying that they don't care about me, they pawned me off on him and that they're just lies and users.Now, some of it I understand, but at the same time, I would NEVER say mean hurtful things about his family, even if I felt them from time to time. I have a severe panic disorder with agoraphobia and have not been able to do any real work for about 6 years now. Because I have such a hard time, my parents purchased a house a street away from theirs, 9 yrs ago for us to rent. We've been here since and been married for 6.5 yrs. We've mostly had to have roommates to afford the house but it's a nice home and my parents always pay what we can't afford. They've helped us with soooo many things. He is in home remodeling and they ask him at times to do some jobs on their house. He does it but complains how they are the worst, most annoying customers he has. I say they're NOT customers, they're family, and they pay him for the work. They do at times kind of hold things over your head (like owning our home) but it's only because of stress and they would never sell the house or anything unless it was absolutely necessary. Anymore, he avoids seeing them at all cost. He usually stays in the bedroom when they come over, or says a brief hello and keeps going, kinda rudely and they notice. He's very over-emotional, has trust issues with me, etc. He has told me he has feelings of resentment towards me for not being well. I don't even feel like I can stand up for myself because 1)he really does so much for me and 2) I am afraid to be without him a lot because I can't drive or do many other things while my panic is so bad. I do love him but I can't handle this negativity and I don't know what to do? There's really just so much to the situation, I don't want to write it all or it'll be too much to read so I'll stop here for now. Please let me know what you think and feel free to ask questions! Thank you so much :)
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Re: My Husband Hates My Parents and Maybe Me as well! Need advice!

  • Are you seeking treatment? Employed or receiving SSI/SSD benefits?
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image livinitup:
    Are you seeking treatment? Employed or receiving SSI/SSD benefits?

    She took the questions right out of my mouth....me thinks you need a lot more therapy and maybe some new drs if you havent worked in 6 year. the stress of you being totally dependent on H and mommy and daddy have probably pushed him to the edge.



  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I agree with the pp's - you need to switch doctors and/or medications if your panic is so bad that you haven't been able to work in six years, and are relying on your mom and dad to support you!!!

    Can you / H afford a place of your own?  Even if it is just an apartment to rent?  If yes, then MOVE.  Being on your own in a one bedroom apt is better than mommy and daddy griping that they own your home and you aren't paying up.  It is NOT better to be in a big house in an upscale community if the "cost" is always feeling you OWE your parents/ILS.

    As for your H - - why did he marry you if he couldn't take you working?  It seems odd that he knew what he was getting into and is now complaining.  Did a bigger house than he could afford on his own appeal to him?  Were you at one time a lot more functional?  I can't tell if he is a d*uchbag that you need to cut from your life, or if he is stressed from being the only partner in a 2-person marriage (or, a 4-person marriage, if you include your parents!).

    I doubt your marriage will work while you are still living at your mom and dad's home and you are not self-sufficient. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Ok, no I am on SSD and I am seeing docs and improving greatly, I am just not driving on my own again yet. I do contribute to the income and emotionally. My parents pretty much leave us alone. They don't play the role of landlord or anything like that, they just want to make sure we're ok. He had a couple years of being the one who didn't do much due to illness, and I did not ever put him down for it. His family didn't help at all. We would be paying at least the same if not more if we moved to one of the cheapest 1 bedroom apartments we can find. Plus, he's lose his garage (work space) and our dogs. I'm trying to get the house put into our name, which he claims he wants but is not doing anything to help me make it happen. I feel very alone in this. Maybe he does too. He's out almost every night lately. When I used to go out without him, I'd get non-stop phone calls interrogating me. We've worked on his trust stuff a lot. He's a great man but I don't know why he married me when he knew the situation and is now bringing up any bad experience he can think of dating back to 10 yrs ago. He also will not leave me. I've already told him that perhaps a break would be best for us. His family is actually more in our personal relationship business than anyone (because of him running to them with every little issue). I;m just emotionally drained. We're just both good people who may not be good for each other? Who knows.
  • so, why arent you working for 6 years? i understand you have issues and are seeking care, but if it has taken 6 years to greatly improve something in the story isnt adding up.

    you can get a job and not drive...public transportation, cab, drop off and pick up etc...

    how much counseling has he gotten?

    marriage counseling?



  • He is not a great man if he puts you down or makes you feel like you are a burden. Great men do not do those things.

    Also, I would not put the house in his name. He isn't going to leave since he has a great deal going on with paying minimum to live in a house. Your folks should hire someone else to work on their home. Let him squawk then about not getting income from the jobs.

    You have problems that can be helped with therapy and medication, he is a problem all on its own. Solution is he moves out and/or gets counseling. Your last few sentences are what is probably true of your relationship.

  • image alikat357:
    I have a severe panic disorder with agoraphobia and have not been able to do any real work for about 6 years now. Because I have such a hard time, my parents purchased a house a street away from theirs, 9 yrs ago for us to rent. We've been here since and been married for 6.5 yrs.

     

    I don't want to sound like a jerk here, especially since I do believe there are people that legitimately cannot work because their anxiety is so bad... but the time frame you've given kind of has me wondering if maybe your H thinks it's just a little too convenient that you guys get married and suddenly you're unable to work. For what has now been pretty much the course of your entire marriage.


    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • @magsugar13 - I'm starting to drive again slowly, I know it seems like it should be a simple fix but it's not. You'd have to understand what agoraphobia is...

    He refuses to go back to a counselor for himself and I have suggested marriage counseling, he agrees and then all the sudden turns everything around and acts like it's all great and wonderful and why would we need that?!

    @My2cents4u - He does make me feel like a burden a lot, but I can't help but wonder if I am or if it's my fault? I want to put the house only in my name exactly because of how things are going right now. When we fight I am very calm and even when I discuss the idea of a "break" calmly with him, he just gets upset, then starts acting overly nice and happy. OR he asks if I want to be with someone else. He has obvious personal issues but blames them all on me or this house or my family. It's never just him, or a mixture or anything else so he doesn't think he needs help.

    @RamonaFlow - You don't sound like a jerk! I can see where you get that idea. I have worked a little during the 6 yrs, but couldn't keep a job. Also when we were 1st dating I was in the same situation to the point that I wouldn't leave my old house for months and he would come over almost everyday. I told him, ?there is a chance this will reoccur in my life, I understand if it isn't something you  want to deal with?, etc. etc. I got better enough for a while and he said he didn't care bc he loves me too much. Now he can't handle it and I don't get mad at him for that, I get it. But, then why when I so calmly and nicely ask if we can take a break does he act suddenly like he was in the wrong and out comes this overly nice guy who says he doesnt want to leave, we belong together and all that nonsense. I WANT HIM TO TAKE A BREAK!!! I think it would be good for both of us.

    And yes, when he's in upset/angry mode he does point out that my non-working has been almost the course of our marriage and says maybe I did it on purpose to use him or just gave up once I knew I had him... Use him for what???!!!!!  And trust me there is nothing convenient about it.

         I?ve had anxiety problems since childhood, I work with it until I am better. Sometimes I relapse and have to start over. I?m not trying to make excuses or discuss that so much as the relationship between him and I. I know he puts up with a lot, but so do I. That?s what partners do for eachother. And when I am doing well, I honestly do great! And during my not working, I still host support groups, go to school online, run a blog which includes sales and anything else I can do to stay active and increase income. I don?t, however, expect him to have to deal with this for such a lengthy period and I?ve made that very clear. I sometimes wonder (as suggested by therapists) if he enjoys me relying on him and having control? Why else is he so afraid to take a temporary break? I?m afraid too especially since I do rely on him a lot, but I still think it?s possibly a good idea. I also hate that he?s currently at his parents? telling them all of our current issues and then asks why I feel awkward visiting them?! And he?ll only debate or argue when he wants to, if I have something to say, or he knows I will be upset he won?t sit and talk with me? he will text me from the bedroom if he?s home! That?s ridiculous!

  • What type of therapy and medication are you on?

    (i do know a bit about the disorder)



  • Your husband sounds abusive.
  • Right now I'm on both Cymbalta and Klonapin. I have a psychologist who I see minimum every 2 weeks, she's probably the best one I've had. My doctors think I'm doing really well over the past 3 months especially to the point that I'm needing less of the klonapin and getting out and about, achieving things much more, reaching goals, etc. The reason it got so bad and lasted so long is because I was under-treated for 3 years as the panic got worse and the agoraphobia came back. Once I returned to my previous (and current) doctor it has been slow but uphill all the way. We had to try a few different meds so that took some time. I'm hitting my goals almost daily now and it's a great feeling to be getting so close to "normal" again.
  • so, out of the 6 years you have only been getting real treatment for 3.

    im glad that you are improviong at a steady pace...have you discussed with your therapist all that your H is doing in the relationship? or not doing?

    if your h wont go to therapy or marriage counseling how are things going to get better?



  • Thank you. And yes we discuss it often, she feels it is very unhealthy for both of us. She thinks he needs to either do therapy with me or on his own and that he is placing too much blame on me. She does tell me when I'm in the wrong as well. He just doesn't think he or we need it. He is convinced that all of the troubles would go away if we changed homes, or he just needed to vent (again) or whatever reason he has for the time. He says he doesn't stress himself out, I do it or my family does it, or his co-worker does it. I don't know how to get to him. Even now, after all the nastiness today, he left and went out and is now out with his parents and is sending me nice texts asking "do I want to come", and "thank you lovely", etc. as if nothing ever happened. I don't work that way! It happened (again), it wasn't resolved, everything is NOT ok.
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I would file separation papers.  Seriously, you need time to work on yourself.  If that means you need to phone a taxi instead of having your husband drive you around.  It seems as if in some ways you are "done" with this marriage / relationship. 

    Just because your H decides that he wants to "be nice" or that he wants to be married doesn't mean you have to stick around with him.  You get a vote and a voice as well.  Personally, I think he sounds like a jerk, but he might just be an ok guy who is not right for you and as a result is toxic for you.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I have a strong feeling that if YOU got rid of him your recovery would move alopng at a faster pace!


  • I think your H hates himself and lays blame with everyone but himself for things. I agree with PP your recovery will probably go a lot faster without worrying about him.
  • Thanks. I agree that he can seem like he hates himself at times. I have some thinking to do! He really is a good guy and my best friend more than a husband anymore. You guys may very well be correct that I would do a lot better, quicker, without dealing with this right now. I guess it's just a scary change if I do it, I want to talk with him today so we'll see if he will actually cooperate and what his thoughts are... I'll still be making my decision based on what I think is best.
  • maybe he is just stressed handling a wife unable to contribute to the marriage and IL who lord things over him.

    1. get a job

    2. move out of your parents home

    3.counseling

    4. do whatever you need to for 1, 2 and 3 to happen 

    My little girl is growing up! (born 12/09) Little brother is here! (born 5/2012) Thank you Lord for my precious family!
  • as someone who struggles with severe depression (which i realize is very different from agoraphobia, but is a crippling mental disorder as well) i have to tell you that your DH is holding you back from recovery.  i am reading this and thinking about how my own DH handles my relapses, and i know that if he wasn't around, my struggles with depression would be so much harder to handle on my own.  he is incredibly patient and steps in as the voice of reason when i need to be snapped out of something.  it sounds to me like your DH is the opposite.  i agree with PPs who said that getting away from him would help you on your path to better mental health, and i seriously am only saying this from personal experience with my own issues.  you don't need someone like that in your life when you are struggling within your own mind.
  • I don't think it's particularly jerky to be miserable with a wife who can't do much of anything and in-laws who are always around and holding things over your head, but that's just me.  I'd be pretty pissed off if six months after the wedding this became my life, too.
    image
  • Thank you pammieface! And to the others, I'm in no way trying to say he's bad. I do contribute plenty to this relationship, believe me. And yes, he can be upset or pissed that this happened after we were married but guess what, it happened before also and he has every right to leave at any time, I've suggested it even and he won't. So he's obviously not that pissed? The house isn't the issue here, I'm purchasing it in my name within the next year so it won't have anything to do with my parents. Like I've already said, he's a good person, I'm a good person but we have issues right now and are clashing. He was very supportive of the panic/agoraphobia/depression and still can be at times but it's just different now. He has his own set of issues that he isn't working on while I'm still trying to work on mine. We have to work together for it to work.
  • You need to find more ways to work on your agoraphobia/panic, if you aren't.  Try some natural remedies, look into food allergies (people scoff, but it can help with free-floating anxiety, a lot of my anxiety went away after allergies were discovered.).  Maybe medication for you, etc.

    Your H is in a situation where he's under a roof that's owned by his in-laws.  That's stressful, humbling, and can be a blow to ego, and he chose that life, so he's probably feeling some general shame, unhappiness, and frustration.  He's taking it out on them instead of facing the fact that it was his choice.

    You need to stand up for yourself, panic or not.  Hopefully you're not thinking of yourself as broken and you are doing things daily to better your life and break out of your shell.  GL.

  • Yeah, I've been working on my panic stuff like crazy, it's going well actually. I do meds, changed my diet, and so on. I understand the living in a house they own ordeal, it's obviously not either of our ideal situation but it's temporary until we can put it in my or our name. He had to have surgery a few years ago and it destroyed his credit so it's hard to do much until it's better repaired.

    I'm getting way better at standing up for myself. I know I'm not broken and I know I'll be fine. It's a very emotional time right now. I actually think we'll be ok, I just don't want it to reoccur again a few months down the road. And I want him to stop blaming me and my family for everything that's ever wrong. They've actually been super close and they love him dearly and he knows it. I mean, I could go the same route with his family but I don't do that sort of thing, I accept that we won't always agree on everything and I take responsibility for my own issues. I just think he needs to admit the things that are because of him instead of getting angry at everyone and everything around him. It just adds too much stress to both our lives.

  • How are you purchasing this house in your name only if you do not work / provide an equal share to the household?  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • image alikat357:
    The house isn't the issue here, I'm purchasing it in my name within the next year so it won't have anything to do with my parents.

    Don't make any purchases, either in your own name or in both of your names while you are having marital problems!  The house could still be considered "marital property" and "your house" could be split with your H in a divorce.

     

  • image SueBear:

    image alikat357:
    The house isn't the issue here, I'm purchasing it in my name within the next year so it won't have anything to do with my parents.

    Don't make any purchases, either in your own name or in both of your names while you are having marital problems!  The house could still be considered "marital property" and "your house" could be split with your H in a divorce.

     

    I think that this IS the reason for the marital issues. 

    Seriously, if she isnt working and is on SSI, where do you think the money for this house is coming from?

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • image SueBear:

    image alikat357:
    The house isn't the issue here, I'm purchasing it in my name within the next year so it won't have anything to do with my parents.

    Don't make any purchases, either in your own name or in both of your names while you are having marital problems!  The house could still be considered "marital property" and "your house" could be split with your H in a divorce.

     

    I think that this IS the reason for the marital issues. 

    Seriously, if she isnt working and is on SSI, where do you think the money for this house is coming from?

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • Nobody said I don't contribute to the financial side of the marriage. Plus the down payment on the house was taken care of almost 10 years ago. Don't just jump to conclusions! THE ADVICE I asked for is concerning family problems (hence posting in 'Family Matters'), being put in a place where you feel like you're being asked to choose between your family and your husband basically...
  • image alikat357:
    We've mostly had to have roommates to afford the house but it's a nice home and my parents always pay what we can't afford.

    If you have been contributing financially through disability and other jobs at times, then what kind of work does your H do, if you can only afford to rent a house (from your parents, whom I'm assuming aren't gouging you on the rent) if you have roommates? Do you think any of your H's problems with the current set-up are related to not only your work and psychological health, but also his ability to provide financially for the two of you?

    Then again, there's this:

    image alikat357:
    They do at times kind of hold things over your head (like owning our home) but it's only because of stress and they would never sell the house or anything unless it was absolutely necessary.

    ... which makes me think that they *have* threatened to sell the house, and that they more than "kind of" hold it over his/your head that they own the house you live in.

    image alikat357:
    He's out almost every night lately. When I used to go out without him, I'd get non-stop phone calls interrogating me. We've worked on his trust stuff a lot. 

    Hmmm, so a man with trust issues married a woman with agoraphobia. If you are indeed making big strides in your treatment, this could be a reason for emerging problems in your relationship. A couples therapist sounds like the best idea here, assuming both of you are invested enough in the relationship to work at keeping it.

    image alikat357:
      But, then why when I so calmly and nicely ask if we can take a break does he act suddenly like he was in the wrong and out comes this overly nice guy who says he doesnt want to leave, we belong together and all that nonsense. I WANT HIM TO TAKE A BREAK!!! I think it would be good for both of us.

    Um, so why don't YOU make the decision to take the break, if it's what YOU want?

    image alikat357:
    Plus the down payment on the house was taken care of almost 10 years ago. Don't just jump to conclusions! THE ADVICE I asked for is concerning family problems (hence posting in 'Family Matters'), being put in a place where you feel like you're being asked to choose between your family and your husband basically... 

    While you pointed out that this is a family issue, this seems to be an issue of independence and separation from family that your family has chosen to intertwine with financial stuff.  YOU brought up buying the house yourself as a possible partial solution to this problem, and PPs are just suggesting that it would not solve anything.

    Also, your *parents' down payment* was taken care of 10 years ago, correct? If that's the case, that is unrelated to where you're going to get YOUR down payment if you purchase the house in your name. And why would you want to buy the house? Obviously the house is not the only issue that stands in the way of a happy, healthy relationship with your husband, and you know that buying the house will not end the problems you're having.

    I'm assuming that one of the goals in treating your agoraphobia would be independence from both your parents and your husband. Not that that means you have to divorce him or cut your parents out of your life, but it would mean no longer psychologically relying on your H or your parents, being able to support yourself emotionally. Buying a house when your only income source is disability does not fit with this goal. Plus, if you're making such singificant improvements and can return to work, it sounds like you may no longer need to be on disability, which means you will need to look for and keep a job, so buying a house now might not be the wisest choice.

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • OK, Before responding to this one, I'd like to say that most of you are just interrogating and it's NOT helpful. I already know what I'm going to do. This was perhaps the wrong place to talk, or I just gave too much detail that wasn't needed in my question. And now I'll reply to the newest one!

    1) he hasn't been working much, he got sick for a while and now work is very slow. Yes, I think money is a stress-er in the situation on both ends.

    2) the comment of selling has been made at a point. They apologized about being stressed and saying it. He will not forgive it, but he'll be my mom's best friend and then bring it up to me again when he's mad. I'm not going to get into what personal "issues" my parents have.

    3) I agree that it seems convenient for issues to arise now that I'm regaining independence. As I've said, he'll agree to therapy but then "change his attitude" and act super nice and like we don't need it. I know he's just scared.

    4) If we were to take a break I want him to understand why it's happening. Also he will not leave even if I do say it's the case. I can leave but he will just come to me anyhow. He won't just give up on this, I know how he works. Even a break is too threatening to him, he's convinced I won't return from it.

    5) I put 80% of the down payment down. It was 10 yrs ago, I was working at the time.I understand what PPs are saying about the house situation, but I'm also getting asked a million irrelevant medical questions (some I can get) and more. Nobody would ask those same questions had I said I was diagnosed with a different life-threatening illness.

    Yes, the major goal is independence. I'm not there yet, I'm not in a position to hold a good job yet. I rely as little on others as possible anymore. I take up approximately 30mins of his time a day, and maximum $200/mo at times if I am short on money. I did the same for him when he was ill. Nobody is in my life enough to even have to cut them out. 

    Does anyone want any further details??? I appreciate those who have offered some good advice, kind words, etc. I knew to expect some ridiculous stuff too, I suppose I hoped that laying it all out upfront would derail some of that. No big deal. I know my plan now, just needed to think and vent.

     

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