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Help - Hubby not into sex

My DH and I just celebrated our 6-month wedding anniversary.  And he is fabulous and supportive in every possible way - does the dishes, cleans, takes care of the yard.  Things are great - except for the lack of sex.  And frankly, it's making me a cranky, pissed off, emotional *** to my husband, which definitely doesn't turn him on!  When we were long distance seeing each other only once a month, we'd have sex 3-4 times that weekend, plus a few sessions of skype sex in between.

But since we've been in the same home, I'm lucky if it's twice a month.  DH says it's because "I let myself go" since we got married.  Yes, I put on ~5-8lbs since the wedding (which I'm told is normal).  And I'm trying.  But there are months when I'm stuck working 80hrs/wk, am lucky to get to eat when I get a chance without much of a choice (hospital food), and can't make it to the gym - well, I backslide on the progress that I make on the good months.  And honestly, I'm not fat - I've got a BMI of 25, which is just barely overweight.  And I'm more muscled than I was before, as evidenced by the increasing reps and weight I can do when I DO go to the gym.  And the months when I have made progress, it's not like my husband all of a sudden wants more sex vs the months that I've put on some weight.

I'm not sure what to do.  On one hand, I am royally PISSED.  Isn't this man supposed to love me no matter WHAT I look like?  Because let's face it, I'm only going to get older, saggier, and more wrinkled with time.  And what will a baby do to my body?  (DH says then I'll have an excuse.)  Or if I break my leg skiing and can't exercise at all for a while?  DH doesn't go to the gym at all, he actually needs to GAIN weight if anything, and while he's hot stuff to me, objectively, he's not exactly a stud.  And people say I'm pretty, I'm a nice person, and I freaking save lives working at the hospital all day.  So what if I want some chocolate every now and then?  Why do I have to bust my ass to improve our sex life?  Why can't HE bring something to the table, like reading a damn book about sex, the fact that women DO take longer to orgasm, and the fact that lots of people gain a little newlywed weight?

On the other hand, DH has a point.  I need to be healthy.  And dammit, I REALLY want to have more sex, because to me, there's the lusty, fun sex, but it's also an important expression of love.  To DH, sex is only physical.  DH also says he feels like he does "all the work" although I can't get him in the sack frequently enough to remind him all the times that I do get on top or try other stuff.  And he resents that I don't know if I can stay in our current city when I finish my training in a few years (but that was a given when we started dating).

Any advice?  I was thinking a sex in exchange for # of times to the gym with a full on day of naked time if I lose 5lbs.  And I'm starting to think that even then, we might need to seek counseling.  Because I LOVE this guy, but I'm worried this is inflicting significant damage to our relationship.  I don't want to be a *** to my husband because I'm a pissed off, horny woman.  Seriously, EVERYTHING else is fabulous.  And if we need counseling, then what type - sex or marriage? 

Re: Help - Hubby not into sex

  • This is so wrong.

    " I was thinking a sex in exchange for # of times to the gym with a full on day of naked time if I lose 5lbs."

    There is a serious problem here and it has to do with the way both you and him are looking at this issue. Sex is not a "reward." It is a part of a loving relationship and two people should WANT to be with the other person as an expression of love, sexual act, intimacy, whatever. The fact that he's blatantly telling you that he's not having sex with you as much because you "let yourself go" would make anyone irate. Especially if you are not a whale or a stick figure, but somewhere in between. Seek marriage counseling first for the respect issues in your relationship, and seek a sex counselor afterwards.


  • Assuming this isn't MUD: 

    1-Please do not play the sex in exchange for something! seriously this is a really bad idea.  You don't want someone to have sex with you because they want something, you want them to have sex with you because they want YOU.

    2- Your husband sounds like an ass*.   5-8 pounds would hardly even be noticeable, and him using that excuse is beyond ridiculous, there is obviously something else going on in his head.  Maybe it's just that he's stressed or feels too busy or what but blaming you for gaining such little weight without any regard to your feelings is a jerk move and I can't believe you're folding to it instead of letting him know how it makes you feel for him to talk to you like that.

    3- Please go to counselling.  There is so much more going on than just lack of sex. 

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Your biggest problem:

    He's intolerant and dreadfully immature and he is a blame placer; this is how he handles a confrontation??

     But since we've been in the same home, I'm lucky if it's twice a month.  DH says it's because "I let myself go" since we got married.  Yes, I put on ~5-8lbs since the wedding (which I'm told is normal).  And I'm trying

    Five to 8 pounds hardly makes you a candidate for Blimp of the Year. He needs to grow up and grow up FAST.

    C'mon....he had to be this immture and a blame placer before you 2 got married. I wouldn't have taken this guy on a bet.

    And oh really --- when you catch pregnant, you'll have an excuse to gain weight?!

    I strongly suggest you get him into counseling....and not the sack. He needs it in a stat hurry. He can't keep up this kind of hot mess and making you feel bad.

    And yeah -- there is a "freshman 15" for newlyweds. It's almost a given:

     Why can't HE bring something to the table, like reading a damn book about sex, the fact that women DO take longer to orgasm, and the fact that lots of people gain a little newlywed weight?

    This is worrisome also: doesn't he even support your dreams?!

    And he resents that I don't know if I can stay in our current city when I finish my training in a few years (but that was a given when we started dating).

    And DO NOT barter him sex for your weight loss --- I don't like that and he's way way too controlling about things.

    Getting to the lack of sex:

    It very well could be he was trying to match your standards before you were married. Chances are he's got a much lower sex drive than you have and he's always had a much lower sex drive --- and even so, he needs to work on this issue with you. Once or twice a week would probably be good. Why can't he manage that much?

    He needs to grow up and he needs to be more tolerant of you -- what if you gain weight due to a reason -- you mentioned a broken leg -- or some other health issue?

    He says he thinks he does all the work. Well, then let him sit down with you and communicate:he can put a positive spin on all of this: he could say "Honey, it's really hot when I meet your needs and see you respond -- it would really be great if you did X, Y and Z"???

    This guy is NOT fabulous and supportive. You mentioned he resents living where you are, due to your employment status. FFS --- if he wanted to move to some outpost where there was nobody around for miles but you and him and his job depended on it, you'd go.  If he got a job in a city that wasn't the greatest and not appealing at all, you'd go! What's his big problem?

     Weight Watchers allows candy, chocolate and other goodies, in moderation and so long as you meet the points that are alloted to you on plan --- so what's his problem? He acts like you're consuming everything in sight and within grabbing distance.

    On the off chance: has he got any relatives that are very overweight? Was he perchance overweight himself when he was a youngster --- maybe all of this is based on fear, maybe it's not. At any rate, he needs to cut this out.  Sheesh...the last thing you do is tell anybody they're gaining weight!

    And not only is this an immaturity issue, it is a control issue. Counseling stat --- this needs to be nipped in the bud before it goes any further --- and if the control issue continues, give serious thought to saying goodbye.  This can easily escalate into abuse, either more emotional abuse or physical. GL.

  • Thanks all of you for your feedback.  It's hard to hear, but what I needed to hear.  Now, I just need to figure out how to arrange for marriage counseling and plan on going ASAP.  We had talked about giving things a few more months of us working on things ourselves and reassessing on our 9 month anniversary since DH is extremely private.  But why wait 3 months?  I appreciate this encouragement.  I don't think it's really the weight.  I suspect there's something else that either he can't recognize or doesn't want to tell me (but what could be worse than commenting about my weight?).  And if it's really the weight, well he's more shallow than I ever realized (for a guy who slept on sofas, wears undies more than a decade old, not into technology, and not into looking good).

    Really, DH IS a great guy.  He does the bulk of the house work, moved to our current city because of me (he wants to stay, I just don't know if there'll be a job here when I'm done or if they'll continue slave driving people), surprises me with flowers, and does what I ask except for the issue at hand.  He pursued me for a while before he convinced me to date him, saying he was willing to do "whatever it takes" to make this work.  And he did and does, except for this one thing.  I tried putting to him this way - there's only one person in the entire world who can (or should) get naked with me.  But I can pay someone to clean my house, I can pay my own bills, I can cook my own food, I can call my other friends and family to support me emotionally, etc. 

    FYI - The only real weight issues in his family is that people need to GAIN weight.  DH included.  He's got 7in of height on me but weighs a little less than me. 

  • image maneesha99:

    But I can pay someone to clean my house, I can pay my own bills, I can cook my own food, I can call my other friends and family to support me emotionally, etc. 

    Are you saying you get none of this from him? Do clarify....because if you don't get any of the above from might as well have stayed single! This doesn't sound like a partnership and marriage to me.

    I would make the counseling a must --- don't wait 3 more months --- nip this in the bud now. And I'd tell him he goes to counseling no questions asked; I'd go as far as to say If you don't go, that's it for us and I'd stick to my guns.

    He can't keep putting the onus on you that "you let yourself go" --- geez, hardly!!! --- and he has to grow up. That's it in a nutshell -- the controlling behavior has to stop.

  • but what could be worse than commenting about my weight?

    For him, admitting that HE has a problem with himself would likely be way worse than blaming his wife for the problem.

    I'm guessing he doesn't like to look weak, or like he's not providing or being manly enough.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • If someone told me that he didn't want to have sex with me because I put on five pounds, he'd never see me naked again.
  • No, he actually does EVERYTHING else.  He cooks breakfast, he handles all the bills because I hate doing it, he takes out the trash, he cleans, he helps run errands, he does dinner when I have to work late.  He's even tried to give me his version of a pedicure one day when my feet were hurting.  He even grew out his hair for the wedding rather than buzzing it.  He really does EVERYTHING else.  It's just the sex thing.  And the ridiculous comments about my weight.  

    I did find out that my job offers free marriage counseling (6 sessions total), so at least that's a start.  Yay for good benefits.  Appt is in 2wks.  He says he'll go.  And I found out that he downloaded an e-book on when men don't want to have sex and steps to try and fix it.  

    So maybe it's foolish, but I'm still hoping this can be resolved.   

  • "Just" withholding intimacy from your wife and telling her that her body is substandard is a pretty big honking deal.  I guess it's maybe possible that he can be counseled into pretending not to be a shallow, objectifying dillhole, but I think you can do better.
  • It sounds like is was scrambling for an excuse to use as to why he doesn't want to have sex and that was the first thing that came to mind. If you gained 20-30 pounds, I might say that he had a point (because that would change your looks, plus that's a lot of weight to gain in a short time) but if you honestly gained less than 10 lbs. since the wedding, I think it's an excuse.

    Please fix this now. My husband and I stopped having much sex years ago (he never was interested, etc) and now we're at the brink of divorce and cheating. Don't let it get to this point. 

    You're still so fresh into the marriage that you can fix this problem (and get to the real reason for the lack of sex) before it's too late. 


  • Honestly? He's gay. Plain and simple. You married a pink jumpsuit wearing, rainbow flag flying friend of dorothy, who realized he was gay long before you said "I do" and thought something would magically change after you were married. The fact of the matter is, you do not have a penis, and that is all that is wrong with you. Please don't take it personally. Just get out and find someone who loves you with 8 more pounds and because you have a vagina/
  • A lot of men actually lose sex drive after marriage but no one talks about it a lot either because the wife feels she is doing something wrong or because the husband is dealing with something and has no drive. A lot of times the wife is frustrated because her needs aren't being met and during conversations on the subject with her partner he becomes frustrated and lashes out on her. Not to say that it's your fault because it's not, he is just lashing out in frustration. The situation is frustrating for both of you.

    It's a lot more common than you think and the experts say to seek counseling, so you're already on the right track.

    Here read this, might help you feel better... 


  • Did you ever go to that first counseling session?  Hope it went well!

    I agree - your husband loves you for YOU and should always think you're hot - no matter whether you gain or lose any weight!!


  • So I'm busy procrastinating, and thought I would come back to give an update as to what happened (if anyone is following along).

    After talking to DH, I ended up making an appt with a marriage counselor a day or 2 after posting.  It was 2 weeks away thanks to work schedules, but at least it was made.

    In the interim, DH surprised ME by going online, finding, buying, and reading an e-book on the sex-starved wife by Michele Weiner Davis: when it's the man with the low/no sex-drive.  I read it myself and found myself crying as it PERFECTLY described what I was going through and feeling - except it was in print from a source that my husband found respectable (as opposed to anything else I had ever found for him).  And since he found it himself, I think the message actually got through.

    That evening after he read that e-book, DH had flowers, a sincere apology, and some testosterone, ready to go...

    Since then, things have been better.  Certainly not as great as I'd like it to be, but we're getting it on at least once a week (my goal is twice a week, but I'm happy with the improvement and we're working on it).   DH actually notices when it's nearing a week, and starts thinking ahead.  We've made other changes too.  By going over the weekly calendar/schedule with DH regulary, DH has realized that sometimes, the next time we have a chance to get intimate might be a week away, so he needs to carpe diem a bit more, and we can semi-plan time for intimacy.  And the schedule review has also helped me see that it CAN be quite difficult to have sex by merit of our jobs rather than lack of desire.  DH has also seen the connection between sex-starved wife = cranky wife vs sex-happy wife = deliriously silly, sweet wife, which has motivated him a bit more.  I've been encouraging him to pursue his favorite hobbies more, some of which seem to rev him up for bedtime action.  And, we've both started trying to be more physically active together - tennis, walks, this push up challenge (up to 20 a day), and a 1 month membership to CrossFit as a new version of date night (thanks LivingSocial).  The result is that I'm being healthier and DH is a little more revved from all the sweat.  Plus, in seeing all the physical activity we're doing together, DH is starting to realize that losing weight isn't exactly easy for me.  He has not made a single comment about my weight since April, and fingers crossed, it stays that way.

     So to summarize, things still aren't perfect, but they are WAY better.  We never made it to the counselor (work conflict came up and things were already better), but I do know how/who to access quickly if needed (and for free through work).  And I really want to thank everyone here who was so supportive.  I really didn't know where else to turn.  It was embarassing to discuss it with friends, and the few that I did seemed more about me just ditching DH immediately rather than any attempt at a solution.  

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