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AE: Help, I don't know what to do. :(

I've known H 20 years, and we've been married 5. We have a beautiful 2yo LO together.  Having our child was a mutually agreed decision to try for him.
We never fight in front of LO, and H is always kind and warm to him. He is a good father.


I grew up in a household where my mother worked part time and my father full time. However all of the responsibilities were on my mother to take care of my brother and I. In my H's family, his mother worked 2 jobs and his father as well, and his sister raised him. Our household has leaned towards what I grew up in, H works 6-6p and I work PT and everything falls on me (mostly) in the household.

H has grown over the past year to be quite apathetic towards anything that I try to communicate to him about, whether it be issues with my emotional and physical needs, or everyday household matters, his interaction with DS and I is minimal. I have discussed this with him at length over the past year, and he will acknowledge that he needs to interact more...things will improve for a week or so...and then he backpeddles again.
Then the cycle begins again. Its been over and over like that since LO was born.

H doesn't seem to want much physical/intimate relations with me. I am a very sexually charged woman, and I have tried to "put moves" on him for a while but he always finds an excuse why he can't...too tired, not feeling well, etc. Prior to this year, we've always had relations maybe 2-3x per month, and now it goes on for 1.5-2mo before anything happens. There seems to be no effort anymore...or if there is, its once in a blue moon.

I don't know where I stand with him anymore. He doesn't pay many compliments to me until we are in a fight, and then he will say something sweet, but on a daily basis...nothing.

I've known him for 20yrs., so I think I know a little about him. He's more mature now, but quite jaded. I can't explain it, when we were kids he had this purity about him...a sweet innocence that I found quite charming, this carried through when we got married too. Now he seems bitter, and resigned to life, which seemed to show about a year after LO was born. We met in middle school...and had a brief fling in high school but nothing serious (no cheating/betrayal), but always stayed close friends. We used to stay up late talking with each other until sunrise. I miss how we used to talk, that he would care about what I had to say. When we moved in together and got married, he still would care about me...care about showing me affection. Maybe not buy me things, but he would show affection by flirting, etc. He made me feel loved.

Something has changed.

I don't know if I'm ready to throw in the towel, but I need to get a grip on what is going on, and not sweep it under the rug like I've been doing for the past year. I've explained to him how I felt, and as expected he blew it up in my face trying to make me carry the weight of the issues in our marriage. He never likes to hear how he has done me wrong. I refused to engage him with fighting which would only escalate the issue more.

On the surface, no one knows. Not even my family. He makes nice in front of others, and will openly flirt with me. At first I thought how sweet it was...but now I know its a facade for our friends/family and the reality is, this sucks.

I was thinking about temporary seperation, but I can't stay with my family - they are too involved with our lives as it is. I want to stay in a hotel, but an overnight stay isn't going to make this problem go away...I just don't know what to do anymore and I hoped that coming here would give me the clarification I'm looking for.



Re: AE: Help, I don't know what to do. :(

  • have you tried marriage counseling?  My DH and I went through something similiar after our kids were born. It was a tough time so I know how you feel. 
  • Does he even know you're thinking of leaving him?  What is his explanation for why he changed?
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Does he even know you're thinking of leaving him?  What is his explanation for why he changed?

     

    Yes he knows where I stand.  Sadly, instead of trying strive to fix this, he gets angry and pulls away more.

    He takes no responsibility for us (certainly doesn't say how we are at fault - unless I bring it up). He won't acknowledge any of the feelings I'm feeling and will turn it around and somehow word it in a way to blame me.  I refuse to hold the entire weight of our marriage on me, and I have told him that. 

    He was willing to go to a MC in the past, but he never follows through with it.  He won't make any effort to change, its as though he is waiting for this marriage to die. 

  • It sounds like he wants you to be the one to pull the plug.
    image
  • Sorry you're dealing with this.

    Ditto Kuus - it sounds like he's just checked out of the marriage for whatever reason, and he's trying to get you to be the "bad guy" by initiating a split. I don't mean to upset you further, but do you think it's possible he's having an affair?

    If he refuses to go to marriage counseling with you, then I would contact a lawyer. Figure out what to do in terms of child custody, who gets shared assets like the house/car, and if it's safe for you to take your money out of the joint savings account and put it in an account under your name only.

    If you don't feel safe living with him anymore, can you stay with a relative or friend for a while?

    image
  • I was thinking maybe a trial separation to figure this whole thing out.  It just saddens me so much, but I'm glad I'm honest with myself now. 

    Regarding the affair, the one thing I've learned in life is anything is possible.  I'll be honest sometimes think "affair," b/c his mood is so drastic, maybe an emotional affair?  We both said if it has come down to cheating, that we would have the heart to break it off first though...who knows.


    I just don't know how financially we would do something like this when we don't have much money.  He has no friends/family in town and I only have my parents.  Everyone else is in another state.  I want to keep some stability for DS...or as much as possible, and I know H wants to do the same.

  • you say taht you've known him for 20 years. how old are you both?

    also-have you told him flat-marriage counseling or I file for divorce?

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Your problem sounded similar to mine.

    That's what happened here with my xH (that and other things that are too numerous to go into right now).  And it looks like he's emotionally left the marriage.

    What about you?

    How do you feel about this?

    And where do you want to go from here?

    Put yourself and the kiddo first.  If he wants out, he needs to be a gent and tell you, not lead you on or let you pursue something that's long been beyond repair.

    Wishing you luck. Takc care.
  • Is he depressed?
  • image -auntie-:
    Is he depressed?

    ITA. He should be checked out by a doctor. There could be some physical problems that are behind his mood swings.

    imageimage
  • You might also benefit from reading The Sex-Starved Marriage. While it isn't a 'quick fix,' it may help validate some of the feelings of being unwanted, feeling like he no longer loves you, etc, as well as shed some light on possible causes for him.

    Although the book is clearly focused around sex, there is also some great content about communication skills that I found really helpful.

    And, yeah, counseling. 

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