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How do I get through this, or should I just throw in the towel? (LONG post, sorry)

Sorry this is so long. =(

 

Rewind: Found out my FH was into watching porn on a regular (almost daily) basis. I told him it really bothered me and wished for him to stop. He promised me he would stop.

 

Fast Forward 2 months or so: He received a virus on his computer that sent out multiple emails to multiple people. It turns out he did not keep his promise to me, and was watching porn behind my back. Not only that, he read articles such as "How to Satisfy (and Keep) a Man," and "5 Signs He Doesn't Love You." The girls on the porn sites also wouldn't be enough for him, as he Googled the girls separately to find more erotic pictures of them.

 

I will admit, I have no sex drive. The watching porn affects me, and it is very difficult for me to have sex knowing that he broke his promise and continued to watch porn behind my back. When I initially confronted him about the porn, I told him it affected my sex drive. He didn't care though. He claims that because we haven't had sex within the past two weeks, he had to turn to it.... But it hasn't been within the past two weeks. He was watching it before per his Internet History. I knew about this but I did not confront him and, in turn, it affected my libido and desire to have any form of intimacy with him. I figured he would stop. He knew he was breaking the promise. He knew he was doing it behind my back.

 

When I finally confronted him (Friday night, 3/9), I asked him straight up and gave him the chance to be honest with me. When he lied to my face, I felt another hard blow to the stomach. I can't fathom that. He knew the answer. When he lied, I grabbed the piece of paper I wrote his past 7 days of porn history on and shoved it into his chest. He then came forward, but only because he was caught. He also admitted that since we have been arguing lately, he was confused. That's why he looked up the article on "5 Signs He Doesn't Love You."

 

It sucks because while I was spending my free time looking at stupid, fake flowers for a money box, songs for the last dance at our wedding, and ordering stupid, yellow unity sand, he spent his free time hiding out, watching porn, and being confused about something I was so sure of.

 

In addition, he has emotional controlling issues. Because of his insecurities, he believes that we have to do EVERYTHING together because we are a couple. And that's not true. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to give up your independence. And he demanded that (and I will quote him) "The only male figure you should have contact with is your father." He claimed his emotions got the best of him during a fight, and that is why he said that. But I don't believe him. He is suspicious EVERY TIME I have some form of contact with the opposite sex; whether it be a friend or co-worker. His controlling behaviors stem from past relationships because his ex-girlfriends supposedly cheated on him. All I can figure is that he is trying to control me so that history won't repeat itself. But in all honesty, you can't judge another person because of someone else's failures. It's not fair to them; it's not fair to ME. I have confronted him about this and he does admit to having a controlling problem.


In summary, I feel cheated on, lied to, used, disrespected, betrayed, and deprived of my joy to marry the man I thought I knew; the man I THOUGHT loved and respected me. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how I can get past these feelings and move on with him, instead of moving on alone.

 

My parents don't want me to have anything to do with him and so does my best friend. These are the only two people I have told everything to. I don't talk to anyone else I know, personally, about my problems.

 

He has agreed to do counseling. Right now we can't do couples counseling because of our work hours so, for the moment, he is going to seek counseling alone. But in all honesty, I am concerned that not all issues will be confronted, and that's the reason I want to go with him. He has also moved out of my house at my request. I just can't live under the same roof as someone who disrespected me like that.

 

The bottom line is that if he doesn't change, there's no future for us. But if he does somehow miraculously change, then I may be willing to give him a chance but it will be VERY difficult. I just feel so torn with my parents wants. I know parents are mostly right every time. I just don't know what to do.

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Re: How do I get through this, or should I just throw in the towel? (LONG post, sorry)

  • I hope you've called off the wedding. Setting aside the porn issue (because, honestly, if he was looking at porn on a daily basis, it's unlikely that he's going to quit just because you asked him to), you need to call it off because of his unacceptable controlling behavior.

    Based on what you wrote here, you two are not compatible and it's time to call it quits. In the future, if porn is a deal breaker for you, make sure your partner has a similar view.

  • He watches porn even though you have repeatedly asked him not to, says he is "confused", and is emotionally controlling?

    Run. 

  • He is suspicious EVERY TIME I have some form of contact with the opposite sex;

    He doesn't trust you at all! This is not good! But it doesn't sound like you trust him either. (I sure wouldn't)

     As pp said if porn is a deal breaker to you then your fi should be aware of it and he will not change just because you ask him to. This is something that should be out on the table before you get serious with someone.

     You need to call off the wedding, at least till you figure all this out.

    Another thing to think about: If you run to your parents every time you have a fight with Fi then they are going to start resenting him, it sounds like they already do. If you work all this out and stay with him your parents are going to resent him forever. (I say this from experience, and the relationship didn't last long) 

    The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart. -- Helen Keller Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • image toeveryhour:

    In addition, he has emotional controlling issues. Because of his insecurities, he believes that we have to do EVERYTHING together because we are a couple. And that's not true. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to give up your independence. And he demanded that (and I will quote him) "The only male figure you should have contact with is your father." He claimed his emotions got the best of him during a fight, and that is why he said that. But I don't believe him. He is suspicious EVERY TIME I have some form of contact with the opposite sex; whether it be a friend or co-worker. His controlling behaviors stem from past relationships because his ex-girlfriends supposedly cheated on him. All I can figure is that he is trying to control me so that history won't repeat itself. But in all honesty, you can't judge another person because of someone else's failures. It's not fair to them; it's not fair to ME. I have confronted him about this and he does admit to having a controlling problem.

    How on earth is this not a bigger problem than the porn? Honestly, every time I read about a woman who's shocked and hurt by her SO's continued porn use after extracting a promise that he'll stop, I feel like I'm reading about someone who's shocked by tax fraud. Neither one is exactly a sign of strong character, but they're also not very surprising, you know? It can't be out of character that the guy would take advantage of a chance to calm you down without giving up the porn, and a promise prompted by your statements of how hurt/disgusted/whatever you are by porn isn't that credible.

    Focus on his control problems. He's a mess.

  • What on earth is keeping you with this jerk?

    Your parents & bf are right to want you away from him.  Call off the wedding asap & be grateful that you discovered all of this now.

    Seriously if you are having any doubts re-read your post- you have different feelings on porn, he lies, blames you when he does something wrong, is extremely controlling- is that really the person you want to spend your life with?

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • Porn is the least of your issues so stop using it as the root of all his evil. he is a douche regardless of his porn watching.  I can not believe you would be posting about this being the issue to break your relatiosnip.


  • Wow, have you got a myriad of problems.

    Bounce this jerk, simply because he has a character problem: he made a promise to you and he did not keep it.

    Immature and weak.

    At this point, it isn't even porn watching; its a character issue.

    And what the eff kind of excuse is that -- we haven'thad sex for 2 weeks so I had to watch porn??? Excuse me??? What's this guy going to do if there is a reason for no sex: you're not in the mood, you're at a stage of pregnancy where sex is impossible due to size or doc's been told you should abstain???

    He also doesn't get it that passion waxes and wanes -- and that the frequency of sex will drop over time. What's he planning on doing THEN????

    He's way too immature to get married. RETHINK this guy.

    He is also much too controlling. Bad news. RUN LIKE HELL --- the only contact you should have with guys is your father??? What about your boss, your coworkers, a neighbor or bona fide male friend???

    What a mess he is. He's not fit to get married.

    As for you and your sex drive: have you ever investigated the reason why you have no sex drive? it could be your birth control (if you're taking the pill), a  hormonal deficiency/imbalance or other issues: something thyroid or even psychological.

    Do you masturbate? Do you know what makes you feel good, what is sensual to you and what makes you orgasm?  If you don't masturbate, start -- even if you get rid of this skunk --- which should be Number One on your list of things to do --- you will find out what tuns you on and then you can show the next guy what makes you feel good.

    If you dump this guy:

    You need NOT explain one thing to any of the invitees. "We have chosen to cancel the wedding" is all they need to know. 

    Then call a moratorium on guys and dating for at least one year. You're too vulnerable and the last thing you need to do is make another wrong decision.

    In that year, discover YOURSELF. Find out what YOU want out of life; make time for yourself and what you want to do. Take trips, take classes, whatever catches your interest.

    I also suggest therapy for you.  You've glossed over the bigger problems and you have not addressed them: the fact he is controlling -- this can easily escalate into physical abuse ---- the fact that your sex drive isn't what it should be and you didn't address it and the fact that he's broken a promise to you.

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    It says a lot when your best friend and parents want you to call off this wedding and go running screaming from this controlling azzhole.  Listen to them.  
    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image toeveryhour:

    He is suspicious EVERY TIME I have some form of contact with the opposite sex; whether it be a friend or co-worker. His controlling behaviors stem from past relationships because his ex-girlfriends supposedly cheated on him.

    Bullsh!t. HE. DOESN'T. TRUST. YOU.

    This has nothing to do with past relationships. This has everything to do with you. I guarantee you that no amount of counseling will change the fact that he's a controlling asshat and he will never, ever trust you. Ever.

    Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this? Is this guy really the man of your dreams?

    Call of the wedding and run like the wind.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image toeveryhour:
     

    In addition, he has emotional controlling issues. Because of his insecurities, he believes that we have to do EVERYTHING together because we are a couple. And that's not true. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to give up your independence. And he demanded that (and I will quote him) "The only male figure you should have contact with is your father." He claimed his emotions got the best of him during a fight, and that is why he said that. But I don't believe him. He is suspicious EVERY TIME I have some form of contact with the opposite sex; whether it be a friend or co-worker. His controlling behaviors stem from past relationships because his ex-girlfriends supposedly cheated on him. All I can figure is that he is trying to control me so that history won't repeat itself. But in all honesty, you can't judge another person because of someone else's failures. It's not fair to them; it's not fair to ME. I have confronted him about this and he does admit to having a controlling problem.

    He is blameshifting.  He doesn't trust you, because *he* is a lying sack of sh!t.   I think that he is either cheating or thinking about cheating. 

    Run.  Run fast and hard.  You shouldn't be having these problems at this point in your relationship.  Yes, you will lose some of your deposits, but you won't lose your self-respect.   What is more important to you?

  • image toeveryhour:

    I will admit, I have no sex drive. 

    Of course you have no sex drive.  Why would you want to have sex with a man you don't like or respect? 

  • Oh...and go to http://theregoesthebride.com/  

    I think you will see that walking away from a wedding is a lot easier than walking away from a marriage. 

  • the  more i read the more my mind keeps telling me.....the other side of this story would be very interesting. the whole controlling thing on his part but i want to hear a lot more of her i dont likewant sex thing. 


  • Even though you only talked to 3 ppl about what he does they all want you to drop contact? That's just one of many red flags. He sounds like a emotionally(and potentially other kinds of abusive) guy who has no business beaning in a relationship. Oh and from my friends experiences with controlling men it will just get worse and make you miserable. Before the wedding was the nicest that they were.
    Anniversary M/c 07.04.10 - m/c 02.14.11
  • Listen to me...I should have listened to my friends and family. I am now divorced and 100 X happier with a new man. 

    RUN LIKE HELL  

  • The porn "issue" is a meaningless one, compared to what else is in the mix.

    Some guys like porn. Some don't.

    And like I said, you are using the porn issue to gloss over the rest of the mess and issues that are afoot here. 
  • I'm not using the porn issue to gloss everything over. Yes, that bothers me too and has completely killed my sex drive. It's not because of my medication (birth control), it's because of the porn. I don't want to be touched, etc. It is just down right disgusting.

     

    And yes, he does have huge control issues. We talked today and I showed him all of the text messages I have been saving and he responded with how crazy it was and he can't believe how selfish he was. He admitted to never thinking of me when he made an action.

     

    It's not that I don't have self respect, because I do. But people can change. These things are apart of him, and I know that, but coming from a dark place myself (depression after losing two friends to death), I know that people can change and learn to cope with things. I am lot better off now than I was because I learned about myself. I learned HEALTHY coping mechanisms. I look back at that person and can't believe it was me. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'm on the right track.

     

    As for him, he's not in denial anymore. Everything in my being is telling me that it's over, but I don't want to regret it some day. I do love him, and think if I can get this whole professional counseling thing a whirl, then at least I tried my best. I know I'm in a bad situation, but the wedding is on hold (if there is still going to be one). I'm not going to continue on with fake smiles, it's very complicated and I'll treat it as such. And if I never find that light at the end of the tunnel, then so be it. At least I tried, right?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • image toeveryhour:

    I'm not using the porn issue to gloss everything over. Yes, that bothers me too and has completely killed my sex drive. It's not because of my medication (birth control), it's because of the porn. I don't want to be touched, etc. It is just down right disgusting.

     

    And yes, he does have huge control issues. We talked today and I showed him all of the text messages I have been saving and he responded with how crazy it was and he can't believe how selfish he was. He admitted to never thinking of me when he made an action.

     

    It's not that I don't have self respect, because I do. But people can change. These things are apart of him, and I know that, but coming from a dark place myself (depression after losing two friends to death), I know that people can change and learn to cope with things. I am lot better off now than I was because I learned about myself. I learned HEALTHY coping mechanisms. I look back at that person and can't believe it was me. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'm on the right track.

     

    As for him, he's not in denial anymore. Everything in my being is telling me that it's over, but I don't want to regret it some day. I do love him, and think if I can get this whole professional counseling thing a whirl, then at least I tried my best. I know I'm in a bad situation, but the wedding is on hold (if there is still going to be one). I'm not going to continue on with fake smiles, it's very complicated and I'll treat it as such. And if I never find that light at the end of the tunnel, then so be it. At least I tried, right?

     

    Sweetie.... my father broke up with my mother without telling her when they were teenagers to "sow his wild oats".  My mom wanted to wait til marriage and obviously my dad then made other plans.  Well... then he begged her to take him back which she did....and let me tell you how he treated her.  He cheated on her at least 4 more times during their 23 year marriage and each time she just thought he'd change.  She was terrified of what life was without him.  He finally left her for the "other woman" and she was devistated.  Honestly, he showed her who he was when they were kids and she married him anyway.

     I'm telling you that because I know that if someone really, really wants to change for THEMSELVES....they can.  But, he is showing you who he really is right now....and you should believe him.  If the person he is right now isn't your perfect match....don't do it.  This should be the happiest time of your life, being engaged, planning a big celebration of your love and future life together... if it isn't...don't force it.  It is just a sign that this isn't the right relationship.  It SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD!!!!!

    Jill * Married to Steven 11/9/03 * DS Samuel 4/4/05* DS #2 Jeffrey 6/13/2009
  • *head desk*

    and i think my point was definitely proven by her response!



  • I think the two of you are incompatible in every conceivable way. 
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickersLilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • image toeveryhour:

    I'm not using the porn issue to gloss everything over. Yes, that bothers me too and has completely killed my sex drive. It's not because of my medication (birth control), it's because of the porn. I don't want to be touched, etc. It is just down right disgusting.

     

    And yes, he does have huge control issues. We talked today and I showed him all of the text messages I have been saving and he responded with how crazy it was and he can't believe how selfish he was. He admitted to never thinking of me when he made an action.

     

    It's not that I don't have self respect, because I do. But people can change. These things are apart of him, and I know that, but coming from a dark place myself (depression after losing two friends to death), I know that people can change and learn to cope with things. I am lot better off now than I was because I learned about myself. I learned HEALTHY coping mechanisms. I look back at that person and can't believe it was me. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'm on the right track.

     

     As for him, he's not in denial anymore. Everything in my being is telling me that it's over, but I don't want to regret it some day. I do love him, and think if I can get this whole professional counseling thing a whirl, then at least I tried my best. I know I'm in a bad situation, but the wedding is on hold (if there is still going to be one). I'm not going to continue on with fake smiles, it's very complicated and I'll treat it as such. And if I never find that light at the end of the tunnel, then so be it. At least I tried, right?

     

    From your response, it's pretty evident that you are not going to leave him, and "try the whole marriage" thing anyways. When someone "changes" who they are and how they treat people, it takes months, if not YEARS of consistent behavior, not one heart-to-heart session or whatever you want to call it.

    Good luck with this situation, you are going to need it.

    Mr. & Mrs. Rex 11/08/2008 Baby Rex 1/25/2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm not using the porn issue to gloss everything over. Yes, that bothers me too and has completely killed my sex drive. It's not because of my medication (birth control), it's because of the porn. I don't want to be touched, etc. It is just down right disgusting.

    So if you find his porn watching so highly distasteful, whyyyyy do you even WANT this guy at all, then????

    Enlighten me why you still think he is ideal marriage material! Maybe I missed something.

    And yes, he does have huge control issues. We talked today and I showed him all of the text messages I have been saving and he responded with how crazy it was and he can't believe how selfish he was. He admitted to never thinking of me when he made an action.

    Haha. Wow, what a douche beyond compare.

    Completely childish.

    It's not that I don't have self respect, because I do.

    Nope. You'd have run like hell when this mess began, if you did. 

    But people can change.

    Nope. He is showing you what he is right now and this is what he will be like in the future. 

    These things are apart of him, and I know that, but coming from a dark place myself (depression after losing two friends to death), I know that people can change and learn to cope with things. I am lot better off now than I was because I learned about myself. I learned HEALTHY coping mechanisms. I look back at that person and can't believe it was me. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I'm on the right track.

    The loss of a friend is one thing, but this guy has other problems. You have no coping mechanisms at all. In fact, you're in denial about this entire group of problems your FI has and the problems your relationship with him has.

  • Of course we have only heard the one side of this,...but assuming it IS a true and accurate picture, do as suggested and dump him asap....

     

    Then, get out into the world and learn about the human existance and your tiny place within it,...life is short and frequently brutish and grim so learning how NOT to be disgusted by your fellow man is an essential survival skill if you are toe get any happiness and contentment.

     

    Also, it might be helpful to refamiliarise yourself with the works of Philip Larkin or at least this  one;   http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055     You can also benefit by googling 'princess complex' and thinking over things related.

  • People can change and grow but you're asking him and need him to become a completely different person.  You have no sex drive and want him to quit porn.  He is a liar.  He hides things he knows will upset you. He is controlling and doesn't consider you when he makes decisions.  Those are huge problems most marriages can't survive, why you would want to force a marriage in such a toxic situation makes no senseZ  How significantly does he have to change to meet your expectations?  How long does that change have to be in place for you to believe its permanent.  You say you love him, but it sounds like you love some of him and the idea of who you want him to be.  That's not the basis for a marriage.  The IDDD of him changing in all the ways you want and of that bring a permanent change are slim.  Add that any real change would take years...you're going to spend years trying to make him into someone you want to be with instead of allowing both of yourselves to take that time to find people you're better suited for.  This is a recipe for misery.
    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • I was once engaged to a controlling man.  Your statement about how he doesn't want you to have any contact with men other than your dad and him sounds like my ex.

    You need to run from this man right now.  The controlling will only escalate from here--it will get to the point that if you're out together and you happen to glance at another man, he'll be all over you, accusing you of wanting to cheat.  Your life will become a living helll.  Trust me.  I've been there.  Not marrying this man was the best thing I've ever done for myself.

    Run.  Now.  Don't look back.

    image
  • image magsugar13:
    *head desk*

    and i think my point was definitely proven by her response!

    I totally agree with Mags.

    OP, you are a special brand of crazy.  Not saying that your FI isn't a jerk, but you are more than a little whack yourself.  Don't marry him and get some therapy. 

  • image DaringMiss:
    image toeveryhour:

    I will admit, I have no sex drive. 

    Of course you have no sex drive.  Why would you want to have sex with a man you don't like or respect? 

    I agree with this, your libido isn't compromised.  You just don't feel like having sex with someone who lies and disrespects you and that won't change.You don't like him.

    Whenever I had lost respect for someone I was dating, the sex went first, the breakup came shortly thereafter.

    Please listen to the others: RUN and don't look back. There are many wonderful men in the world, get rid of this douche B.

     

  • You won't regret it down the road if you dump him.  In fact, even if he were a terrific and nice guy, which he isn't, and he just wasn't right for you, STILL you wouldn't regret it.  No one ever does.
    image
  • Counseling isn't some silver bullet - it isn't going to magically change him into a non-porn watching, non-controlling man.  It just isn't.  He'll try to convince you that it can because he doesn't want to lose you, but mark my words, he'll be back to normal as soon as the ring is on your finger.

    Bottom line, you two are incompatible.  There's not a counselor in the world who can change that. 

    This is my siggy.
  • Get rid of this man!!!!!!!

    POrn is not the issue here. It is that he is a loser. This is not a healthy relationship. You need to get out now. You need to get yourself into counseling. As someone else said, you need to give yourself a break from dating and find out who you are and what your really want from a future relationship. Once you are understanding this and are happy with out a boyfriend, you will find a much better person to spend your life with. 

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