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I need help with my MIL.... don't know what to do

I really just don't know what to do. Right now we are living with my in-laws becuase of the economy and cannot find a place right now. We are looking to move out and only plan to stay until the end of the holiday season. We have only been at the house for about 3 weeks going on 4. My MIL is a drinker and when she drinks she gets meanand has said alot of mean things while my hubby and I dated, were engaged, and right before the wedding. She has made it clear she doesn't like me. Well, this past Sunday was the worst. There were dishes in the sink and while she has told us not to touches anything my hubby and I didn't dare disturb her cleaning ritual. I was on the computer looking over an essay for one of my students. she yells for my hubby, FIL and I to meet he rin the kitchen. We thought something happened with my hubby and my dog. Then she started yelling on how my hubby and I do not pick up after ourselves (lie) and she is 60 (lie) and has serious health issues  (I mean she has some health problems, but not huge issues so half lie) , she is retired and has a house to keep (true to the retirement and lie on the house to keep) and that she doesn't have time to pick up after us and take care of our dog. I wou;dn't have had a problem if she had talked to my hubby or I in private, but it's like she's trying to be a maryter here and that she had to annouce to the world what we have done wrong. I must say I was beyond furious and I was shaking. After her tyraid I told my hubby to bring the dog's stuff to the room and that she no longer will take care of our dog and walked out saying I am done with this. Now, almost a week later, my MIL will not talk to me or be in the same room with me. She told my hubby that I am cut from her life until I come to her and apologize for my actions and want to have a serious relationship with her. To be honest, I don't want a close relationship with her because she lies and tries to play victim, even when she isn't; however, I want to do something for my hubby and future children (none in the oven yet). Also, I know that her relationship with any future DIL's (hubby has 2 older brothers) are going to be better than what I have with her becuase I am the first and I "took" her baby from her. What should I do? I am in a real pickle.
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Re: I need help with my MIL.... don't know what to do

  • What does your husband say about all this?  What has prevented you from renting an apartment?  Knowing how she is, I don't understand why you would put yourself in this position.
  • She's a drunk. She's mean. You knew that. Why you thought living with her would work out is perplexing.

    You should be able to find an apartment, sign a lease, and be moved in within a week or two. I would suggest doing that.

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  • You're a teacher..psst, it's TIRADE, not TYRAID.

    And it's martyr, not maryter. Sheesh....

    Indeed move out stat. Find an affordable apartment, even if it is a studio and go.

    And it is disturbing that your H. hasn't grown up enough to tell his mother to STFU and stop putting you down.

  • She's a drunk. She's mean. You knew that. Why you thought living with her would work out is perplexing.

    Exactly my thoughts.  I dont' want to excuse her behavior, ubt.... you KNEW what she was like when you moved in.  What did you think would change? 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I really liked this one a lot:

    She told my hubby that I am cut from her life until I come to her and apologize for my actions and want to have a serious relationship with her.

    To which he probably said nothing to her and did nothing about this. Again, he should grow a pair and stick up for you. (and do not TTC until you see evidence that he grew a pair)

    And also remember....paragraphs are your friend. Utilize them in the future.

    To boot she's got a drinking problem and the both of you should cut her off and tell her that until she is clean and sober and is getting intervention and has joined AA you both will have no part of her.

    I strongly suggest AlAnon for the both of you and Adult Children of Alcoholics for your H.

  • I understand the need to sometimes live with your inlaws temporarily, but if I were in your situation I would turn off the computer, go to my room, pack my bags and go stay at a friend's house - on the floor if I had to, and without my husband if necessary. Surely there must be somewhere else you can stay. Get an apartment sorted out NOW, and don't wait around there a day longer. Your DH should have handled the situation better but it's too late for that now.

    Best of luck.?

    image

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  • image Tofumonkey:

    I understand the need to sometimes live with your inlaws temporarily, but if I were in your situation I would turn off the computer, go to my room, pack my bags and go stay at a friend's house - on the floor if I had to, and without my husband if necessary. Surely there must be somewhere else you can stay. Get an apartment sorted out NOW, and don't wait around there a day longer. Your DH should have handled the situation better but it's too late for that now.

    Also good advice -- and before you leave, tell your H. that he can stay with his mother since he evidently thinks  more of her than he does you, being that he hasn't stuck up for you.

     

  • Your husband needs to stick up for you.  He shouldn't let anyone (his mother included) treat you like that.  A good man puts his wife first.

    You and your husband need to grow up and move out of his parent's house.  If you aren't grown enough to support yourselves then you aren't grown enough to be married.  There is housing out there, rent a crappy apartment if you can't buy right now. 

  •  My MIL is a drinker and when she drinks she gets meanand has said alot of mean things while my hubby and I dated, were engaged, and right before the wedding. She has made it clear she doesn't like me.

    Let me guess: this was a passing fancy; a mere trifle! She was going to change after the wedding...RIGHT?

    When you saw what she was when you were in the dating stage, you should have cut bait and ended the relationship. And isn't it funny...your then-bf didn't even come to your defense!

     

  • I couldn't bring myself to read any further past:

    "She has made it clear that she doesn't like me"

    WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU VOLUNTARILY MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS MADE IT CLEAR THAT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU?

    Yes, I am shouting that.  Because I can't believe that someone could be so stupid.

    I know that the economy sucks right now - but are you telling me that you and your husband seriously can't afford even a studio apartment right now?  Really? 

    If my MIL was a mean drunk that didn't like me, I'd be living in my car before I lived under her roof.  You're an idiot. 

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  • Two takes:  First of all- move out now.  You really have no business staying with someone who gets drunk and is mean to you.  Many apartment companies are offering move in specials right now.  Get one leased by the end of the week.  Move out next weekend.  For your sanity and your marriage, move out!

    Secondly, are you helping out?  Or is she really having to do your dishes?!  Buy your own food, cook your own meals, clean up your own dishes, wash your own clothes, walk your own dog, clean up after your own dog- in short, take care of yourself like an adult!!  There is literally no excuse for leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  Even if she has a "ritual," ask how she likes her dishes to be washed, and do it like that.  Every time.  Help her clean up the common living spaces, and keep your room/rooms cleaner than she likes her house to be.  Part of this problem, is you are acting like part child/part guest.  You are neither.  This is her house and you are living in it.  You need to be gracious and get out as fast as possible.

     As for the apology, frankly, I think you should give her one.  It sounds like you leave her house dirtier than she would like.  So apologize for that.  In return ask for an apology for the way that she yelled at you.  You are an adult, you can do that too.  Your husband should be taking most of the responsibilities for this mess.  He also owes you an apology for not standing up to you when his mother says mean things.

  • Gee,

     I know things are tight right now, and all across the map we all are feeling it.  See if you and the Hubby can swing  a one bedrom for a bit, til things turn around.  Sweetheart a peace of mind goes a long way. Sound like that is what is needed.

     

    Good Luck

  • And even if she was just fine and loved you to pieces and respected you and all that other good stuff, it is never ever a good idea to live with any relative, period.

    And if you are both not self sufficient enough to afford even the most cheapest of apartments, sorry, the both of you had no business getting married.

    I am putting this on the table: maybe your H can't make the transition from mommy to wife and that is why he cannot seem to get his arse out of his mother's home and into one with you...his wife.

    The fact that you have a candyapple for a husband supercedes the fact that you apparently can't afford your own apartment. I dont' see much hope here -- you could suggest or demand joint counseling but my guess is he will refuse to do it. He'll probably insist things are fine and therefore, no counselor needed.

  • What lauren&patrick said.

    Seriously - you have not done any dishes because of her ritual?  So your expecting her to clean up after you?  You are allowing her to take care of YOUR dogs and you expect her to love you?

    She MAY be a meanass drunk, but you have some responsibility for this situation.  So do something about it like a grown up.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • Great points about the OP not picking up after herself and leaving her MIL to care for her dog.  Perhaps the MIL is not so crazy after all.
  • I think as long as you are living in her house, you have to put up with it. 

     As the previous posters have said, if you don't like her/her rules/her lifestyle, then you should find another place to live. They are doing you a favor- how dare you complain! Yes, she may be crazy or drunk, but they opened their home to you. 

    Apologize and be the bigger person.

  • you're a teacher?
    <img width=100 src="http://tinyurl.com/6q2woyb">
    <a href="http://www.wanlifetolive.com">[the bliz-og]</a>
  • So, I will clear up anything that people didn't understand from the post. I NEVER asked her to clean up after me and my hubby and I NEVER asked her to take care of the dogs. She just can't wait until we come home from work to do what we need to to do. For those who are wondering why we moved was because our lease was up and we went to buy a house and the offer fell through. So don't diss me about being a pig or anything because that is SO not the case. But thank you for everyone who can understand the situation for your advice to leave now. We are hoping to have something else lined up soon. I guess I am more worried about the future becuase we all know she will not stop and this kind of thing could happen again (without us living there). I don't want this on again off again relationship and that I always have to come crawling back to her even though she was the one who started something. It's not fair to me or my hubby or anyone else. Would you raise someone to believe that if something bad happens it's always someone else's fault??

     

    BTW, those who made fun of my typing, I really don't have to defend it, but I typed fast and made some spelling mistakes, we all do it, get over it.

  • image fatimasdancer:
    She told my hubby that I am cut from her life until I come to her and apologize for my actions and want to have a serious relationship with her.

    *sigh*

    What was your husband's reaction when she said this?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image fatimasdancer:

    So, I will clear up anything that people didn't understand from the post. I NEVER asked her to clean up after me and my hubby and I NEVER asked her to take care of the dogs. She just can't wait until we come home from work to do what we need to to do. For those who are wondering why we moved was because our lease was up and we went to buy a house and the offer fell through. So don't diss me about being a pig or anything because that is SO not the case. But thank you for everyone who can understand the situation for your advice to leave now. We are hoping to have something else lined up soon. I guess I am more worried about the future becuase we all know she will not stop and this kind of thing could happen again (without us living there). I don't want this on again off again relationship and that I always have to come crawling back to her even though she was the one who started something. It's not fair to me or my hubby or anyone else. Would you raise someone to believe that if something bad happens it's always someone else's fault??

    BTW, those who made fun of my typing, I really don't have to defend it, but I typed fast and made some spelling mistakes, we all do it, get over it.

     Nowhere in here did I hear you mention anything about your H being proactive about this. Try what's not fair to you is how he won't stick up for you.

    What are you planning on doing about your H?

  • OK the deal fell through that was then this is now  and you are STILL there. Renting an apartment isnt that difficult!

    Fair>? how fair is it to have you  livng there?

    WHY would you even want a relationship with her?

    Your H NEEDS to take care of this NOW, part of your problem is your H!

  • Touchy touchy are we?  You had the money to put a down payment on a house but you can't rent an apartment?  Right.... 

    You say she won't wait for you to get home from work to do stuff.  I hope you mean take the dog outside.  In which case you and "d"h should have set up a system with her where she can take the dog out once or twice a day while you guys are at work, and *gasp* you can pay her for it!  $20 a week sounds fair. 

    Stupid question, but I guess you guys aren't paying her rent.  But, you expect her to be nice to you (when she already didn't like you, and based on your response I can totally see why she doesn't like you).  Back to what you said about her not waiting until you and your "d"h are home to do stuff.  I suspect what you really mean is that you have not cleaned up after yourselves and leave it that way, go to work, and she has to clean during the day.  Of course she is pissed about it!  You're lucky she hasn't thrown the two of you out.

    You're right about one thing though, this behavior isn't going to stop.  You have a "d"h who is a joke of a man.  Not only does he let his mother talk badly about you (though it seems like it's well deserved), he actually agreed (or came up with the idea) to move into a place where you are disliked, and he can't clean up after himself!  Wow... great catch.

    Your lack of spelling knowledge has nothing to do with the speed in which you typed and everything to do with you not knowing how to spell.  The fact that you are teaching the youth of this country is an embarassment.

  • And you're still skirting the issue regarding your H's lack of character.

    A man who permits anybody to walk all over his wife is no man at all.

  • I NEVER asked her to clean up after me and my hubby and I NEVER asked her to take care of the dogs. She just can't wait until we come home from work to do what we need to to do.

    So why are you leaving a mess for her to take care in the first place?  Now, I just about got my 13 yo SS to clean up after himself as he goes....so I am not quite sure why a 28 and 30 yo cannot grasp this concept.

    Again, she may be a drunkass, but since you know what her expectations for her house are, why are you not following thru?

    For those who are wondering why we moved was because our lease was up and we went to buy a house and the offer fell through...We are hoping to have something else lined up soon. 

    So your offer fell through, so what.  Do a month-by-month rental until you either find another house to purchase (you should still have that money down right?) or decide to hold off on purchasing right now. 

    You CHOSE to move into the HOME of someone who not only does not like you, but is a drunk. You CHOSE to move into this house with no tru game plan.  You take the bad with the good then.

    I guess I am more worried about the future becuase we all know she will not stop and this kind of thing could happen again (without us living there). I don't want this on again off again relationship and that I always have to come crawling back to her even though she was the one who started something.

    This won't be an issue if your DH actually took a stand with his mother.  You cannot change how people treat you, you can only change how you react.  So until your DH actually puts his foot down, you are stuck.

    Would you raise someone to believe that if something bad happens it's always someone else's fault??

    Why would you marry someone who lacks the inner strenght, self-esteem and be self-supportive? 

    See, there are 2 sides to this story and until YOU make changes on YOUR side, nothing else will change. 

    Again - be a grown up and either move out this coming week OR be a grown up and start following her household rules.  

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • zitiqueen (BTW love the name), you are right. I have been talking about what had happened between the MIL and I, but I should have also put the reactions of my hubby and FIL. My hubby and my FIL were very angry with how my MIL presented her argument. They both tried to sit her down and explain that the "holler it from the mountain" was not a good idea. They had both said that if she was having a problem that she should have calmly explained what was up. Hubby did stand up for us, saying that as soon as we can find an apartment or townhouse or whatever we will be out. And for everyone who is NOT getting the picture, I am not angry with the rules, I am angry with the presentation. And for those who do NOT know me, I do NOT leave her house dirty, SHE exaggerates. All of our stuff is in a storage unit... now, I should have explained, but I didn't.... you didn't know, but you could have asked. Anyway, back to my point, and you pick it apart what I am going to say until your knuckles are red from typing, Hubby is trying his best and so am I. We are grateful that they agreed to help us out until we can find a place to move into and we do respect their "rules," so everyone can get off my back about that. And don't talk to me about finances because I have read a lot of posts lately about people not having enough money so I am not the only one. We are doing the best we can, and in all honesty I really don't have to explain that to you guys. All I was asking was what to do, if you have to put up with a MIL like ?mine because we all do not loving in-laws, so unless you can give me sound advice on ?how to deal with her than do not respond because telling me to move (we are trying) or telling me to act like an adult (which I do, but I can't say the same for some) have all ready been said.
  • TarponMonoide, he did stand up for me and I did not mention that and I apologize, he is sticking by my side defending us. Actually, I think she is upset over that, like she's been replaced. Do you think that was what the yelling was really about? I guess it's like after we move should I start repairing the damage or leave my MIL and my relationship as is.?
  • Then there's no other solution: move out of there stat and do it ASAP.

    Somehow I get the feeling this guy hasn't been doing much sticking up. he shuold have done this when she started this mess. Pretty much now this is after the fact.

  • I'm thinking she's as fed up with you living there as you are, and she lost her temper.  Sure, it wasn't the best way to handle the situation, but if she's an active alcoholic, you can't expect that she'll react normally.  I suggest you quit guessing her motives ("Actually, I think she is upset over that, like she's been replaced. Do you think that was what the yelling was really about?") because it doesn't matter.  You and your DH should start attending Alanon meetings and learn more about how to deal with an alcoholic.  I don't know if your MIL is one, but learning more about it would help you figure out what kind of relationship is possible with her.

    Where would you be living now if you didn't have in-laws to take you in?  That's where you should be moving as soon as possible.  It was a bad idea to move in with her and you won't see clearly enough to figure out how to deal with her until you leave.

  • Wow, mob2006.... thank you. That is great advice.I started looking into the signs and symptoms of alcoholism and I am unsure if she is one. I think attending an alanon is a great option to at least learn about alcoholism. I do not know where we would be. I am grateful they are helping us and because I am going to a job fair in like a week I could be anywhere in the state. we may have moved in with his brother who lives nearby just until after the job fair. Thank you again. what you said is perfect sense. YAY!! You put a smile on my face!
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