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Need advice getting DH to do more around the house

DH and I got into an argument about cleaning around the house. He said he does just as much house cleaning as me. The problem is I DO most of the house work I am the one who, cleans the floors, cleans the bathroom ect. I will admit that I can be a slob and lazy sometimes but the difference is that I clean up after myself. Dh also feels that I am patronizing him when I say thank you for making the bed or I realy appreciate that you did the dishes. I say thank you because I really mean it! Dh doesn't feel the need to point out when he has done something around the house. According to him I should pay attention to the things he does and not say thank you because according to him that is patronizing. WTF

Re: Need advice getting DH to do more around the house

  • Why don't you sit and have a monthly  meeting, write down the household tasks and the both of you jointly decides who does what?



  • The reason why he said it's patronizing is because... in his own head .... he is insecure.  If he was secure in the fact that he did as much as you, he wouldn't be so touchy about the 'thank yous' and assigning you with being patronizing.

    I think you have to work hard to push pass some of this nonsense to really get a fair assesment of who does what.  Either of you can do more .. that's not the entire issue ... you need to be working as partners, appreciate each other and get on the same page. 

    You clearly believe you do more ... he's telling you he does as much - someone is wrong.  Plus, he's accusing you of things you say you are not doing ... again, somebody is wrong.

    Try not to make this about being RIGHT .. make it about appreciating each other, and being partners and aboutpulling equal weight.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • And one more thing ... as long as DH is saying that he does "just as much" cleaning around the house ... and he says that you are patronizing ... then he is NOT going to be motivated to do more. 

    Instead of wasting time convincing him that he is wrong ... you could take the track of saying more needs to be done by both of you ... kick up the goals of what gets done in the house .... and make it about BOTH doing more to live in a clean, clutter-free home.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Dh also feels that I am patronizing him when I say thank you for making the bed or I realy appreciate that you did the dishes.

    I find this sad!  After 17 years, DH and I STILL thank one another for doing simple things around the house. It really makes me feel appreciated.  That he doesn't take me for granted!  And thats why I thank him - to let him know I dont' take him for granted.  Maybe tell your DH that!

    BUT - I fully agree w/ livinitup.  Your DH is insecure and that's why he's saying your being patronizing.  And I also agree- you need to get past "whose right/ whose wrong".

    Following on the first poster, why not create a list of all that needs to be done then sit down and work out who is going to be responsible for what.  And I'll tell you- if you let him pick the stuff that he dislikes the LEAST, the better chance that he'll actually do it.  And approach it from "We each obviously have different perspectives on what's being done around the house. Instead of trying to prove one another wrong, let start from scratch and work together to divide up the chores list so that we both feel it's fair....".

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I tried lists we even agreed on who would do what and by what time.  I did everything on my list he did nothing.  He has also told me that he is more accepting of clutter and mess.  He also tells me that I worry too much about what people think of me.  Yes because I don't want to live in a house so messy that people refuse to visit me.
  • We've divided chores, but some of those chores are not considered "cleaning around the house."  Does he do other things that you don't do?  Meaning, does he clean the gutters, take care of the cars, mow the lawn, etc.?  There are times when DH and I both think we're doing more than the other.  Then we both realize that there are so many things that the other one does that we don't even see.  My husband cleans and I shop and cook.  He takes complete care of our cars, I mow the lawn.  Be sure you're looking at the big picture, not just what's going on inside the house.
  • GIRLS - This poster is JUSTMEGGIE.  She is the one who told her DH that she would have kids before she got married, then decided that she did not want to, and went so far as to try to trick him with fake infertility issues to get out of it. 

    When we all said to her (nicely at first) that she needed to be honest with her DH and take the lumps of a divorce if he chose it (after all, she broke the marital contract), she came up with a BUTT LOAD of "reasons" to justify her decision to force DH to stay in the marriage. 

    Please remember, one of her "reasons" for not wanting to have a child with her husband (after telling him she would) was because she just KNEW that he would not help her out enough.

    She is just laying the groundwork here.  
  • My DH is the exact opposite to yours and I am exactly like your DH.  Even before we lived together my DH made a huge deal out of letting me know everything he had done around the house. If he took the trash out, or emptied the dishwasher, or mowed the yard, or even changed a light bulb. It got to be horriby annoying to me. Until I realized he was the type of person that just NEEDED the ackowlegement and thanks to be VERBALIZED (i.e. he wanted to hear a thank you).

    I don't work that way. I just do what needs to be done and expect others to be grateful and show their appreciation through their ACTIONS (i.e. doing things for me, or pitching in to help when I need it).

    Once I realized that we just operated differently and wanted appreciation to be shown in different ways, his behavior didn't annoy me as much. Now I make a big effort to tell him thanks when he points out all the things he has done. I've also found since he is getting the feedback in a manner that he likes he is more willing to do more which is how I like people to show their appreciation. So in reality by me telling him thank you we both get what we want.

    I suspect if you stop verbalizing the thanks to you DH and find out he likes for his effort to be ackoweldged he will not feel as patronized and he may start to do more around the house.

  • image Justmeggie:
    I tried lists we even agreed on who would do what and by what time.  I did everything on my list he did nothing. 

    So, did you have a calm follow-up conversation about what did and didn't get done?  He did agree, right?  So what did he say when "nothing" was done?  Or did you just ignore it ... you feeling frustrated, him feeling smug or guilty.

    Because the most important step in list-making is the REVIEW step ... when you both look at what worked and what did not work.

    The other bit about accepting mess and clutter ... doesn't apply if you both AGREED to a certain level of cleaning and participation.  Neither of you have to accept the other person's level of cleanliness - but you do need to agree to a level for how you BOTH want to live .. and a plan to get there. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Some people are just messier than others.  My husband doesn't like clutter, so he picks up more things around the house and keeps things tidy and prevents things like laundry and the dishes from piling up.  I don't like things to be dirty/dusty, so I take care of the sweeping/dusting/bathroom stuff/etc. 

    Appreciate what he does.  If he doesn't want to be thanked for it, then don't do it (why cause a fight?  I don't understand his reasoning, but that doesn't mean you make a mountain out of a molehill).  Stop being a martyr.

  • Just lie and trick him into doing it, isnt that how you keep him around>?Im sure it would work in other areas as well!

  • you guys seem to have alot of problems. Try marriage counseling.
  • image Derniermot:
    you guys seem to have alot of problems. Try marriage counseling.

    i agree! 

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