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live-in mother in law

First, some background...My fiance is the only child of his never-married mother. They live in the house his grandparents owned. (They are both passed.) He was their caretaker and he inherited the house. His mother has some medical issues and he cares for her as well. He runs her erands, takes her to Dr. appts, etc.

Here's the problem: She feels that the house is hers. She refuses to let him throw anything away and is somewhat of a hoarder. There is NO counter space, things are piled everywhere, and she insists nothing can be disposed of, she needs it all. There is no garbage, just years worth of magazines, knick knacks, old clothes, etc. I and my fiance try to clean things out but she refuses to cooperate.

We have been together for 2 years and want to live together, and eventually get married. We are in out 40s. I am OK with her living there as she is mostly pleasant, but when he told her I was moving in, she went off the deep end. Yelling about not enough room, and that she wuld be embarrased with us "shacking up."

He won't stand up to her and tell her it's going to be "our" house, not hers. My friends tell me to run, that it's a situation that won't change...but he's a great guy and I love him. I think we could have a great life, even with her there, but I can't live in those conditions.

Anyone have a similar situation??

 

Re: live-in mother in law

  • I'm with your friends.........run, don't walk, from this guy and his mother. 

    He won't stand up to her.........what makes you think that this is a situation that you want any part of and would be a "great life"?

    Let him continue being caretaker to his ill mother and tolerating the squalor that he lives in.  Be friends with him if you like him enough.  But find someone else to marry. 

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  • That certainly is an odd scenario.

    I can sort of understand why she feels like it's her house, even though it's not.   Has she ever lived anywhere else?     It almost seems like there's this constant co-dependency thing going on.   Did she live with her parents while she was raising your BF?   And then one day it turned around so your BF was taking care of his grandparents and now his mother.   

    Anyway, I think she just doesn't want things to change.   She's depended on her son for so long now, she doesn't want another woman in his life, especially because he's pretty much all she has left.   Maybe she's also a bit worried that if you guys get married that she'll be moved to a nursing home or somewhere else.    She may also feel like the house should be hers because it was her parents'. 

    Is it at all possible for you and your BF to live somewhere else?   Maybe buy your own place and just keep the grandparent house until his mom passes away, then sell it.    That would probably be my preference.   

    If you want to live there, your BF is probably just going to have to sit her down and say, "Mom, it's my house, I want giggle to move in, and if you don't like it, you can go elsewhere."  

    Do you think she could have a form of dementia or other mental illness?   That'd be something to also look into. 

  • Listen to Maybride2.

    If this guy wanted to make changes he would, be he will NEVER make them after you move in with them. How you consider it is a boggle.

  • image giggle2day:

    He won't stand up to her and tell her it's going to be "our" house, not hers. My friends tell me to run, that it's a situation that won't change...but he's a great guy and I love him. I think we could have a great life, even with her there, but I can't live in those conditions.

    You know what situation is, and you know it's most likely not going to change.  So- make your decisions based on that.  Don't sit around hoping and wishing for things to be different and then make decisions based on dreams.  Be realistic and look at the sitaution as it is NOW. 
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  • Your friends are right.

    I'm sure you really love each other, but sometimes that isn't enough. It's fine that he wants to help his mother, but if you guys want a life together then he cannot keep enabling her hoarding problem, or just ignoring it and expecting YOU to be the one who has to be unhappy and put up with it. He knows it's easier to disappoint you than to disappoint his mother, because he knows you'll just go along with it if he remains stubborn enough (same thing his mom is doing to him).

    If he wants a good marriage then he has to put his wife first, and he's shown you that he's unwilling to do that. You will ALWAYS come in second to his mother. Always. And so would any kids you might have together. Mom does it to him, he does it to you, cycle passes on to your kids.

    It's really not the point whose house it is (although I'm inclined to agree with his mom, unless your boyfriend is on the deed). If he really wanted to make this work with you then he'd go looking for a house/apartment just for the two of you, and he could check in on his mom from time to time. But if his solution is, "If you want to get married then we have to live in Mom's filthy house whether you're happy it not" (especially when you've offered to compromise by living with her on a cleaner environment) ... then he's never going to make you happy. Mom comes first. If you don't want that kind of marriage then cut your losses now and start over.  

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  • if he can't stand up to her now dont expect him to be able to if you get married.

    fix this before you even  consider that.

     

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  • When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  This is who your BF is, and who his mother is.  If you move in, do NOT expect anything to change.  It won't.  If you know now that you'll have a hard time handling it, get away.  Don't expect people to change - unless they want to, it won't happen.  
  • You are in your 40s? Really?

    You both sound like you are in your early 20's.

    Im curious if he has ever been married before?



  • To put it politely and nicely:

    He is not a fit for you.

    Call it a day and say goodbye to this gent.

    Hoarding issues are nasty -- they theorize it's an attachment issue -- and hording junk can also be a fire hazard and a health hazard.

    And that he won't stand up to her...

    He is not a fit for you. Indeed say goodbye and call it a day. You've lost nothing here. Good luck.
  • Why would you move into that situation?

    Why not invest in a new place for that you two can afford and set-up care and resources for his mother in their current house?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I wouldn't marry him or move in until the situation is corrected.  I know that isn't what you probably want to hear but things probably aren't going to change.

    Believe me - hoarding is gross.  My inlaws have this issue and I swear to you right now they have racoons living in their home.  It's like we have our own Grey Gardens right down here in Texas.  It would blow your mind away.

    He may be a great guy but in all reality he isn't going to change.   

     

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  • Surely there are good, eligible 40something year old men out there who don't live with their mommies, yeah?  Give one of them a try.
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  • This guy clearly seems to have some "mommy issues."  I would be very concerned about committing to a long-term scenario with him. 
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  • Why did the grandson inherit instead of the daughter? Does she have a medical claim that would have been distrupted if she inherited property - and then needed to sell the propety and deplete her funds to re-qualify for aid? I bet the family just followed legal advice by putting the property in the granson's name with NO intension that the daughter would ever be dislodged from the residence. Sorry, the son may have a claim on paper, but the house is the mother's.

    If you guys want to build a life together, then go build a life together. Leave his disabled mother in the home her parents bought and paid for. Make your own home.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I could see hoping things might change if your guy is 20 and having a hard time standing up to his mother.  But if he's in his 40s, you're SOL.  Walk away or get used to spending your life hoping (guiltily) that his mother meets an untimely demise so you can organize your own kitchen drawers.
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  • Your guy needs to stand up to his mother and if he doesn't you need to run. I have a similar/yet different situation going on (though MIL does own the house). She doesn't live here, never will, and calls this house my husbands. Yet we have to live in her old books, magazines, mis-matched furniture, ugly furnishings, etc. And my husband won't stand up to her that we want it out of the house and try to make this home ours if it's supposed to be more our house than hers. Anywho- nip this in the bud quick and if he doesn't stand up to her then I would reconsider the relationship.  Hope it works out. You do not want to marry a momma's boy. 
  • image livinitup:

    I bet the family just followed legal advice by putting the property in the granson's name with NO intension that the daughter would ever be dislodged from the residence. Sorry, the son may have a claim on paper, but the house is the mother's.

     

    I'm sorry, but no.If the house is his by law, it's his house. His house. Not mom's. Period.

    Should he let his mother stay there? That's his business. 

    Should giggles seriously reconsider her situation? Absolutely. I'd be really concerned about preexisting dependence issues. 

  • image Maybride2:

    I'm with your friends.........run, don't walk, from this guy and his mother. 

    He won't stand up to her.........what makes you think that this is a situation that you want any part of and would be a "great life"?

    Let him continue being caretaker to his ill mother and tolerating the squalor that he lives in.  Be friends with him if you like him enough.  But find someone else to marry. 

     Seriously - this!!! 

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