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This is probably silly but I don't really know what to do...

My youngest son has always been the social one (running around the neighborhood, playing with lots of different kids, getting along with everyone etc) and our next door neighbor boy has been his BFF since we moved in in 2004.  He is a year older than W but two school years (he's in 7th grade).  This afternoon W came home all pickle faced and upset looking and I asked him what was wrong and he said that some of the other junior high boys were making fun of him for being cross eyed when he was little ... and his BFF just joined in the laughing instead of sticking up for him. He got on his  bike and left telling them that he had ball practice but I can tell he cried the whole way home..

H and I are really good friends with our next door neighbors and we've never hesitated to make sure our kids were treating each other right etc.  I almost want to call and ask her to talk to her son about it but I've always tried to not be the "helicopter mom" always getting involved in my kids little things...

WWYD? 

Re: This is probably silly but I don't really know what to do...

  • Sorry:( I'm sure that's difficult as a parent. I would probably stay out of this one and let the boys work it out, they are old enough to be able to.
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  • Give him tips on what to say/do next time, go out of your way to boost his confidence, but don't step in on his behalf. Poor kiddo.
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  • image nursecramer:
    Give him tips on what to say/do next time, go out of your way to boost his confidence, but don't step in on his behalf. Poor kiddo.

    I agree with this. I hate that he's going through that, but this may be prime time to give him a lesson on how to stand up for himself.

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  • Hm. That's difficult.

    Peer pressure sucks, yo. Maybe talk to your son about that? That it's apparent his friend gave into the peer pressure to make fun of him and the laughing probably wasn't really a true indication of how the friend felt---?

    Also, I don't think that I'd talk to the parents but maybe suggest your son to talk to his friend? I don't know, it's hard at that age. =(

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  • These are interesting responses.  I would actually want my friend to tell me if my kid was acting like a fuuuuucking assshole and hurting another child's feelings. 

    I'd probably say something.

  • image BABisme:

    These are interesting responses.  I would actually want my friend to tell me if my kid was acting like a fuuuuucking assshole and hurting another child's feelings. 

    I'd probably say something.

    I don't have kids so I was reluctant to respond, but this is how I feel too.

    I would talk to my kid first, and I would approach the other parents in a totally nonthreatening manner sort of like, "I was talking with W today and he said something happened with your kid. Did he tell you about it?"

    Bullying gets swept under the rug too often. I don't think parents should do it too.

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  • Babs, I would too, but at some point going to the parent does more harm than good. Mortification aside, I remember this one girl had her mom call mine and it was completely awkward and I stopped being friends with her. Because I was so mature.

    OP- Maybe ask your son if he feels he'd like a parent to intervene?? 

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  • image BABisme:

    These are interesting responses.  I would actually want my friend to tell me if my kid was acting like a fuuuuucking assshole and hurting another child's feelings. 

    I'd probably say something.

    I'm just thinking back to being 12/13, having a substantial friend issue and then my mom calling my friends parents, I would have been mortified. Unless it escalates or continues or something, I'd let them work it out on their own. I remember tons of 'issues' at that age, most were worked out. 

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  • image Mofongo:
    image BABisme:

    These are interesting responses.  I would actually want my friend to tell me if my kid was acting like a fuuuuucking assshole and hurting another child's feelings. 

    I'd probably say something.

    I'm just thinking back to being 12/13, having a substantial friend issue and then my mom calling my friends parents, I would have been mortified. Unless it escalates or continues or something, I'd let them work it out on their own. I remember tons of 'issues' at that age, most were worked out. 

    I would have killed my mother if she went to a parent. But when I was being physically threatened, I absolutely told her and wanted her help.

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  • Thanks all... I think I'm going to sleep on it... and talk to W in the morning and see what he thinks.  I'm sure its just the start of many hard life lessons... I like the idea about talking about peer pressure... that's a good point because sooner or later, we all do it.

    My next door neighbor and I will prob go get a pedicure this weekend so I'll probably bring it up gently while we are sitting there..  she would be upset if she knew her kid was being ugly so I'll have to think  about what to say.  I knew at some point this would happen... the grade difference is getting to matter now

  • I feel like having your Mom intervene, particularly if you're a teenage boy might be social suicide.
  • image +SMACE+:
    image Mofongo:
    image BABisme:

    These are interesting responses.  I would actually want my friend to tell me if my kid was acting like a fuuuuucking assshole and hurting another child's feelings. 

    I'd probably say something.

    I'm just thinking back to being 12/13, having a substantial friend issue and then my mom calling my friends parents, I would have been mortified. Unless it escalates or continues or something, I'd let them work it out on their own. I remember tons of 'issues' at that age, most were worked out. 

    I would have killed my mother if she went to a parent. But when I was being physically threatened, I absolutely told her and wanted her help.

    I completely agree and that's what I meant by escalated.

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  • image +SMACE+:

    Babs, I would too, but at some point going to the parent does more harm than good. Mortification aside, I remember this one girl had her mom call mine and it was completely awkward and I stopped being friends with her. Because I was so mature.

    OP- Maybe ask your son if he feels he'd like a parent to intervene?? 

     

    Eh, I disagree.  As a parent, I will always appreciate another parent coming to me to let me know if my child is acting a fool. That kind of behavior is just not OK and I would really want to be aware of it. 

    Children are getting out of control with the bullying and ridiculous behavior.  Plus, the OP said she is very close friends with that boy's parents.  I bet she could approach them without it being a huge deal. 

  • image BABisme:
    image +SMACE+:

    Babs, I would too, but at some point going to the parent does more harm than good. Mortification aside, I remember this one girl had her mom call mine and it was completely awkward and I stopped being friends with her. Because I was so mature.

    OP- Maybe ask your son if he feels he'd like a parent to intervene?? 

     

    Eh, I disagree.  As a parent, I will always appreciate another parent coming to me to let me know if my child is acting a fool. That kind of behavior is just not OK and I would really want to be aware of it. 

    Children are getting out of control with the bullying and ridiculous behavior.  Plus, the OP said she is very close friends with that boy's parents.  I bet she could approach them without it being a huge deal. 

     

    I'm 100% with you, BABs. If my friends knew that my child was being an assshole and didn't tell me? Not cool.  

    I like privacy. A lot.
  • image cbwm:
    image BABisme:
    image +SMACE+:

    Babs, I would too, but at some point going to the parent does more harm than good. Mortification aside, I remember this one girl had her mom call mine and it was completely awkward and I stopped being friends with her. Because I was so mature.

    OP- Maybe ask your son if he feels he'd like a parent to intervene?? 

     

    Eh, I disagree.  As a parent, I will always appreciate another parent coming to me to let me know if my child is acting a fool. That kind of behavior is just not OK and I would really want to be aware of it. 

    Children are getting out of control with the bullying and ridiculous behavior.  Plus, the OP said she is very close friends with that boy's parents.  I bet she could approach them without it being a huge deal. 

     

    I'm 100% with you, BABs. If my friends knew that my child was being an assshole and didn't tell me? Not cool.  

    I agree with this. I would want to know so that I could intervene. But if I was the kid, I would NOT want my mom to tell my friend's mom because she would intervene. And I think the stronger loyalty here lies with the kid. I just don't see how telling the mom over this type of incident (and I agree that if it escalates, then yes, absolutely intervene) will improve the situation for 2B2D's son; how the other mom would feel is secondary.

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  • As a kid, having my mom intervene stopped me from confiding in my mom. She had good intentions but would decide she needed to fix things by talking to a teacher or other mom.  By third grade I no longer felt safe talking to her about anything. 

    Then he has to deal with the stress of those situations without anyone to talk to about it.

  • I just don't understand constantly fighting your kids battles without their permission.

    You can't be there every time. They have to learn to stand up for themselves. This doesn't seem like a case where he's in physical danger. 

    I just don't want to be *that* mom who's calling other moms making my kid's social life hell. Unless my kid wants me to do that OR he's in physical danger. 

    Nobody is saying to sweep bullying under the rug. I never ever said that.

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  • If you talk to the other kid's parent, do not expect your son to confide in you again.
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    RedandGonzo
  • I would ask your son if he wants you to intervene. My mom was a big closet helicopter parent. I know inside she was dying to intervene but she would never do it unless we asked and then she was like a pitbull. I loved that about her and I told her everything, and still do. If he says no to intervening, have a talk with him about peer pressure. I would encourage him to ask his friend why he didnt stand up for him, maybe the friend will be more aware of his actions if something happens again. Im sure those situations can be scary and kids arent sure what to do at times.
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  • image +SMACE+:

    I just don't understand constantly fighting your kids battles without their permission.

    You can't be there every time. They have to learn to stand up for themselves. This doesn't seem like a case where he's in physical danger. 

    I just don't want to be *that* mom who's calling other moms making my kid's social life hell. Unless my kid wants me to do that OR he's in physical danger. 

    Nobody is saying to sweep bullying under the rug. I never ever said that.

    In fairness, I never said this would be done whithout the child's permission.  I think the OP's child is around age 10 so it is certainly within reason to discuss it with him. 

    My main point is since all the adults involved are "very close friends" I see nothing wrong with saying something.  I would actually be really annoyed if my child behaved like those middle school boys and no one told me. 

    I come from an "it takes a village" perspective.  I'm not a fan of turning a blind eye to the crapppy behavior of children, but if my child was adamant that I stay silent, I would. 

  • I can't tell from the OP whether she even spoke with her son about saying something to the other parents.  Did she even mention that?

    How are you all jumping to the conclusion that her son will never confide in her again if she says something?

  • image BABisme:
    My main point is since all the adults involved are "very close friends" I see nothing wrong with saying something.  I would actually be really annoyed if my child behaved like those middle school boys and no one told me. 

    I come from an "it takes a village" perspective.  I'm not a fan of turning a blind eye to the crapppy behavior of children, but if my child was adamant that I stay silent, I would.

    With a very close friend, I'd let her know what happened and ask her to not bring up the particular incident that involved my kid if she chose to discuss it with her kid. I really wouldn't think that was strange among good friends.

    In other words, "Your kid was a diick to my kid, which is perfectly normal, but I thought you might want to know. If you choose to talk to him about it in some way, please don't mention the specific incident with my kid since I'm sure he'd be mortified if he thought I was trying to fight his battles. Amusing little jerks, eh?"

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  • I assumed her son was 12 based on the other post.

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    RedandGonzo
  • image BABisme:

    How are you all jumping to the conclusion that her son will never confide in her again if she says something?

    I was only sharing my personal experience. It is a vulnerable age. He might react differently.
  • image JalapenoMel:
    I assumed her son was 12 based on the other post.

    I think that is her older son.  She said in this thread that the boy next door is one year older than her son, but 2 grades ahead of him (7th grade).  Most 5th graders are 10ish.

     

  • Hi all... Its my son that is 11....they are a little older than most of the 5th graders because we adopted them when they were older and they didnt speak English so we held them back a little. 

     I actually emailed my friend next door and asked her if she had heard about any drama with the kids and her daughter had busted out her brother about how mean he had been to W lately... and also clued me into another difficulty they had over the weekend (which I didnt know anything about) :)  So, as always, no matter how flat the pancake is, there's always two sides. 

    I talked to W about it this morning as well, he wasnt mad that I said anything to Trina because he knows we are good friends but I think he wants to work it out with his friend himself, which is fine.  I like the word "closet helicopter" because I might fess up to fittin into that one....Hmm much as I try to hide it/not be one.  Who wants to see their kid sad......

    Thanks though for all the perspectives... I can see both sides of this for sure.  AND I hope that he doesnt stop confiding in me.. that would suck 

     

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