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Struggling to forgive the MIL

So it seems as if this is a trendy topic on here but I can't find the exact answers that I'm looking for.  I too had some experiences with my (Jewish) MIL.  I am Catholic and welcomed the idea of an interfaith wedding with open arms!  I wanted the chuppa, the ketubah, the breaking of the glass, the hora etc.. etc.. and I did all the research to make it all happen!  I researched rabbi's high and low and was determined to find the right fit for us.  It came to my attention that my faith was being criticized by the ILs... it immediately hurt my feelings since I was trying so hard to accommodate my FIANCE and his faith (not that he really cares too much about it).  The only Catholic tradition that I wanted was to walk down the aisle of a church with my dad... organ and trumpets blasting and whatnot.  Well- after it had been planned and the church AND RABBI booked, I was QUICKLY shot down (they had known about it for weeks at that point and never said anything).  It was all about what "her friends" would think if we "made them" go into a church to watch her son get married under a crucifix.  Well from there, an avalanche followed.  She criticized my desire to have a honeymoon registry and was MORTIFIED when it was put on our wedding website.  She demanded that we take it down because "her friends" were already asking her about it.  She refused to minimize her guest list despite the fact that we (bride and groom) and my parents had all minimized our lists by 10% to accommodate budget and the venue.

I'm a non-traditional person, I march to the beat of my own drums and I'm ok with that because I ALWAYS take people's feelings into consideration.  The church thing was a mistake on my part as I didn't know the feelings of the Jewish faith re: the crucifix but she used it to her advantage to get everything she wanted after that.  My fiance (now husband) asked me to just let things go to avoid conflict and so I did because we had been experiencing too much stress on our relationship because of all these problems with her opinions.  We were fighting so much that I wanted nothing more than the day to just come and go and be done with so we could go back to normal (and don't worry, we have :) !  ).

She planned the rehearsal dinner without any input from me.  Since I have a large family, we only decided to invite my godparents and the bridal party.  Three days before the wedding she began asking me for the spelling of everyone's names.  I asked her if she was making seating arrangements.  She responded (via email) that she was and that she'd send them to me.  She split all of my guests up so that they were all sitting with people they didn't know!  My guests were already a minority and I didn't feel as though she should split them all up as it tends to get awkward- she did it at my shower too and split up all my BMs from one another!  So I politely told her that I didn't like the way she had it set up in an email and that I wanted my family to just be able to have a comfortable dinner while eating together and that they could mingle with everyone beforehand.  Hours later I get a response that was CCed to both my husband and my FIL.... as if she was tattletale-ing on me!  It said "I'm sorry that my family makes you uncomfortable but I will honor your seating requests."  Well.... not only was I flabbergasted that she put this evil spin on it 3 days before the wedding but I was soo beyond hurt that she felt the need to "rat me out" by CCing my husband and FIL.  I wrote a polite response back to her (with the help of my aunts who were sitting there as I burst into tears over this email) and told her that she took my words out of context and that she shouldn't take away from this very happy time.  I received no response and she acted normal when they arrived in town for the rehearsal. 

This is a woman who, during her Mother-son dance, STOPPED THE BAND in the middle of the song because they were playing the wrong one!!!!!  Are you f-ing serious?!!?!? I was MORTIFIED for my hubby and pray to god that no one caught the look on my face in a video of some sort while this was happening.  

 Since the wedding, I've wanted nothing to do with her.  I just wanted to move on with my life and forget about the whole wedding.  I just haven't been able to bring myself to do so.  Every time she calls or my hubs tells me that he was talking to her on his way home from work, I just roll my eyes and my blood pressure rises.  I don't know how to get over it or approach her to talk about it.  I never wanted a bad relationship with her but I feel like if I don't nip this in the bud, it's only going to get worse once we have kids.  I just don't know how to approach this gracefully in a way that will improve our relationship from here on out.

 I NEED ADVICE, Ladies!!!  Please someone help a girl out here!  I'm not an angry person but she's still dragging me down and the wedding was 2 months ago! Sad  I love my husband so much and I don't want to feel like I'm taking this out on him for something that his psycho, control freak of a mother did to me! 

«1

Re: Struggling to forgive the MIL

  • His mother didn't do anything that he didn't let her do by asking you to bend over and take it in the ass from her for the sake of your relationship, so "taking it out on him" is absolutely the right thing to do.  Of course, you played your role by not saying no to the both of them.

    Though, she was right about the honeymoon registry.  That really is tacky.

    image
  • Did she pay for the rehearsal dinner, if not she had no say where everyone would sit...

    Anyway, this is all in the past and about the wedding. I think in time you will be able to let it ago. I was really angry about stuff that happened at my wedding but in time I got over it. (Granted, it had nothing to do with my MIL.)

    You will get over it. What is she doing now that is still making you angry?

    image Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • She did pay for the RD and plastered it all over the invitation so I knew that she wanted to plan it and let her!  But I think it would have been respectful for her to ask me what I thought about some things..

    You're right, it is in the past and I would LOVE to let it go, but it has led me to see how much of a control freak she is and now I see it all the time.  She calls him 3-5 times a week, called him at 10:30 on Saturday morning just as we were heading towards morning sex and it just totally turned me off.  Does any mother of an adult man need to talk to their kid 3-5 times a week?!  I mean, to me it seems excessive.  I'm the girl and I only talk to my parents 1-2 times a week!  She gets bored on her way home from Mahjong or the casino and calls him to chat because she knows he's awake since we're in a different time zone.  

  • Yeah she kinda did have a point about  the honeymoon registry. 

    The rehearsal dinner,  well if she is paying and if she is the host then yes she gets to decide the seating arrangements.  Now she didn't have to word it the way she did, but I can see where she is coming from too. 

    As far as the interfaith wedding was concerned, I really don't know what to say.  You are making her out to be the bad guy but ulitmately that responsibility falls on you and your husband.  If that isn't what you wanted for your wedding, you should have stood your ground.  Right now she has learned that by throwing a fit she will get whatever she wants.  You both have taught her that and now you both will have a very very very difficult time getting her to unlearn that.  If your husband doesn't back you up, then it will be near impossible. 

  •  My fiance (now husband) asked me to just let things go to avoid conflict and so I did because we had been experiencing too much stress on our relationship because of all these problems with her opinions. 

    Well, here is a big part of your problem.  As long as your DH won't stand up to her, you'll forever be alone in this.

    But a few other comments.

    The seating arrangement - others can speak to this better than I, but I actually wonder if that might not also be a jewish tradition.  We went to a wedding years ago where DH's cousin did exactly this.  I didn't like it, to be honest, BUT i know their intent was to "mix the families" so that each side got to know one another a little better. 

    And you burst into tears over that e-mail?  really?

    Then the mother/son dance.  Well- WAS it the wrong song?  And whether it was or not- WHO CARES???  Why were you "mortified" that she changed the song? 

    I don't doubt there are some genuine issues, but at the same time - you actually seem to make no effort to actually find out the reasons behind some of her choices, and you absoltuely overreact to some things too. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    His mother didn't do anything that he didn't let her do by asking you to bend over and take it in the ass from her for the sake of your relationship, so "taking it out on him" is absolutely the right thing to do.  Of course, you played your role by not saying no to the both of them.

    Though, she was right about the honeymoon registry.  That really is tacky.

    I agree with all of this. 

  • image ChristineDM807:

    Does any mother of an adult man need to talk to their kid 3-5 times a week?!  I mean, to me it seems excessive.  I'm the girl and I only talk to my parents 1-2 times a week! 

    I'm going to caution you now - what is normal for you and your family doesn't dictate what must be normal for everyone else.  His family is different - that doesn't make them wrong.

    Now- when she called right before you started having sex, what did your DH do?  Answer the phone?  If so, that's a DH problem.  He CAN ignore the call.  On that - i'm w/ you.  If he feels he "has" to answer and talk to her no matter what else is going on  - problem.

    But if most of the 3 -5 times a week actually isn't when you're around, or when it's not interupting anything, why does it matter if your DH doesn't care?! 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • While the MIL does sound overbearing it also sounds like you may have over reacted a bit.  I don't see why it would be mortifying for her to have the correct song played unless she did it in a really embarressing way- like yelling nastily at the band.

    I don't think 3-5 times a week is that bad. I try to email or call my mother almost everyday, but I try to do it while at work or after dinner. Your DH should not have answered the phone if you were going to have sex. Sounds like you need to talk to him about how to handle his mother. I dont think you have a right to tell him how often to talk to his Mom unless its interruping your time together a lot.

    I think you just need to learn how to handle someone that is overbearing and get your husband to stand up for you and not answer the phone if you are in the middle of something.

    image Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • I am wondering whether you thought she called too much before the wedding, too, or if she just started calling so often after he got married.
    image
  • image EastCoastBride:
    image ChristineDM807:

    Does any mother of an adult man need to talk to their kid 3-5 times a week?!  I mean, to me it seems excessive.  I'm the girl and I only talk to my parents 1-2 times a week! 

    I'm going to caution you now - what is normal for you and your family doesn't dictate what must be normal for everyone else.  His family is different - that doesn't make them wrong.

    Now- when she called right before you started having sex, what did your DH do?  Answer the phone?  If so, that's a DH problem.  He CAN ignore the call.  On that - i'm w/ you.  If he feels he "has" to answer and talk to her no matter what else is going on  - problem.

    But if most of the 3 -5 times a week actually isn't when you're around, or when it's not interupting anything, why does it matter if your DH doesn't care?! 

     

    All of this.  For the record, it is NOT a Jewish tradition to FUKC with the seating arrangements.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    His mother didn't do anything that he didn't let her do by asking you to bend over and take it in the ass from her for the sake of your relationship, so "taking it out on him" is absolutely the right thing to do.  Of course, you played your role by not saying no to the both of them.

    Though, she was right about the honeymoon registry.  That really is tacky.

    Yep.

    And I'd sell my soul to be able to talk to my Mom 3-5 times a week right now.

    I don't know how you really thought you were going to pull off an interfaith wedding in a church, but good job for trying.

    Your husband has to set the tone with regards to his Mom.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    I am wondering whether you thought she called too much before the wedding, too, or if she just started calling so often after he got married.

    This is what I want to know. Does it bother your husband that his mother calls so often or just you?

    Why does it bother you if he talked to her on the way home from work? It doesn't sound like she's taking up any of your time with your H.

    Trust me, I get MIL issues. However, you can only control your own behavior.

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • Sounds like you have a major DH problem.
  • image julie324:
    image EastCoastBride:
    image ChristineDM807:

    Does any mother of an adult man need to talk to their kid 3-5 times a week?!  I mean, to me it seems excessive.  I'm the girl and I only talk to my parents 1-2 times a week! 

    I'm going to caution you now - what is normal for you and your family doesn't dictate what must be normal for everyone else.  His family is different - that doesn't make them wrong.

    Now- when she called right before you started having sex, what did your DH do?  Answer the phone?  If so, that's a DH problem.  He CAN ignore the call.  On that - i'm w/ you.  If he feels he "has" to answer and talk to her no matter what else is going on  - problem.

    But if most of the 3 -5 times a week actually isn't when you're around, or when it's not interupting anything, why does it matter if your DH doesn't care?! 

     

    All of this.  For the record, it is NOT a Jewish tradition to FUKC with the seating arrangements.

    I agree that it has nothing to do with Jewish tradition. I do think, however, that it might have something to do with her wanting your families to get to know each other better.  If you didn't want them all split up, you could have asked that couples or families stay together, but I think it would have been better if you would have shown that you also wanted people to get to know each other rather than isolate themselves at their own table.  When you do that, you're sending out a "you're not good enough for us" vibe. That might not have been your intent, but it's how someone could have interpreted it.

    Here's another bit of "food for thought" for you (and this might offend some people, so I'm apologizing for that in advance). Based on things you've said, it sounds as though your ILs are at least a little religious/Jewish. It also seems as though your H doesn't really care about the traditions, but keep in mind that in Judaism, the father doesn't determine religion of the child - the mother does (based on Biblical logic that you can always prove who the mother is). I'm wondering if your MIL isn't disappointed that her son didn't choose a Jewish wife to continue the family name and the traditions. 

    It honestly does sound to me like more of a DH problem than a MIL problem, though.  If your H doesn't stand up for you, back you up, and do things like refuse to answer the phone when it's not a good time, it's on him, not on her. She didn't know you were about to have sex when she called, after all. He did.

  • I've got to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else.

    Your MIL calling at 10:30 am is not calling too early. That incident is your H's fault. You should be annoyed at him if he chose to answer the phone and derail the morning sex.

    I think it was nice of you to have wanted the chuppah, rabbi, etc. at your wedding. I do agree that it is not really a true interfaith wedding if it takes place in a church but it was definitely thoughtful. However, again, if she was upset, you and your H should have told her to mind her own business. 

    She does sound like a b*tch for refusing to minimize her guest list, but again, your now H should have told her that she needed to and if she did not that he would make the choices for her (unless she was paying for the whole shebang). 

    You are totally overreacting regarding the seating arrangements at the RD. Who cares? No it is not a Jewish tradition to do that but there is a school of thought that the best way to get people mingling is to split up groups that already know each other. With that I think her heart was in the right place. 

     A honeymoon registry is totally tacky, IMO. But, again, not her place to throw a fit over it. I would have been mortified if I were her but if that is what you guys wanted and you were comfortable with it, she should not have made trouble over it.

    But don't you see that most of these things come back to your H? He needs to draw a line with her.  

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • Your DH needs to step up and set the boundaries with her.  You let her win with all of these things for the wedding.  You should have set your boundraies b/c she will continue to walk all over you unless you put at end to it. 
  • I'm also Team MIL on the honeymoon registry. Asking for money is tacky no matter how you dress it up.

    As for the rest of it, you should be struggling to forgive the husband, not the MIL.

     

     

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image sprky79:

    And I'd sell my soul to be able to talk to my Mom 3-5 times a week right now.

     

    You kill me, Sparky.  I know you miss your mom, but you remind me of that wheelchair guy in There's Something About Mary who gives Ben Stiller a hard time for mentioning that the entire dresser strapped to his back is heavy.  "Heavy?  What I wouldn't give to know what heavy feels like, you insensitive pr!ck!"

    image
  • image ChristineDM807:

    The only Catholic tradition that I wanted was to walk down the aisle of a church with my dad... organ and trumpets blasting and whatnot.  

    If this is the only thing you wanted and you felt forced to cancel it, then it's pretty obvious that you feel bullied into it and really resent her for it. You're angry, really, really angry.That's why these other more minor things are getting you hot and bothered, too.

    You have to forgive yourself for not doing what you wanted on your wedding. You dealt with your feelings during the planning by NOT dealing with your feelings. Like you said - you just wanted the day to come and go. Now its 2 months later and the day has 'gone' but not the feelings.

    She got what she wanted and seemed really ready to smack you into place over any little thing. That's her MO. She's not seathing with resentment, you are.

    Give yourself a break that you did the best you could at the time. Maybe now, you will fight for what you want - since you are going to wind-up with a knot in your stomach and angry either way. She doesn't seem that easy, maybe its a good lesson to learn.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    image sprky79:

    And I'd sell my soul to be able to talk to my Mom 3-5 times a week right now.

     

    You kill me, Sparky.  I know you miss your mom, but you remind me of that wheelchair guy in There's Something About Mary who gives Ben Stiller a hard time for mentioning that the entire dresser strapped to his back is heavy.  "Heavy?  What I wouldn't give to know what heavy feels like, you insensitive pr!ck!"

    Yeah, yeah, I know.

    I really don't think the amount of times he was talking to his mom in a week is all that inappropriate.  I communicated that poorly.

    Plus, Kuus, I don't think you have a single family member you couldn't live without :-)

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • What I want to know is this:

    Where is your H in the midst of all of this?

    Where is he? Why standing down and not taking your side. 'to avoid conflict"? Uh uh --- he needs to be a team with you and he needs to tell his mother politely and frimly that from now on in, all decisions are an "OUR decision."

    Demand he take a stand on her -- and if he refuses, rethink him. What you're seeing is a preview of your lives together.

  • Let the wedding drama go, just let it go now and start all over with this relationship. If she is calling during sex then tell your DH if he rather talk to his mom rather than mattress dance, then you have a bigger problem than your MIL.

    I think you felt bullied and pressured and now want to feel like your DH is going to man up. If he isn't putting you first your problems will get much worse when their are children involved. You are also in the future within your rights to stand up for yourself.

  • image ChristineDM807:

    She did pay for the RD and plastered it all over the invitation so I knew that she wanted to plan it and let her!  But I think it would have been respectful for her to ask me what I thought about some things..

    You're right, it is in the past and I would LOVE to let it go, but it has led me to see how much of a control freak she is and now I see it all the time.  She calls him 3-5 times a week, called him at 10:30 on Saturday morning just as we were heading towards morning sex and it just totally turned me off.  Does any mother of an adult man need to talk to their kid 3-5 times a week?!  I mean, to me it seems excessive.  I'm the girl and I only talk to my parents 1-2 times a week!  She gets bored on her way home from Mahjong or the casino and calls him to chat because she knows he's awake since we're in a different time zone.  

    I'm on team DH problem, and also team get over it.

    My DH talks to his family every single day, and I might call mine once a month.

     

    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2czvlhx.jpg[/IMG]
  • I think you're overreacting to some things (like the number of times they talk, the wedding song being the wrong song, etc).

    It's too late, but you really needed to nip some of her actions in the bud at the outset.   When she brought up the fact that "her friends" made to go into a church with a crucifix.   You know the easiest fix for that?    I'll give you a clue....it's not changing the entire venue!    I would have said, "it's too bad that they won't feel comfortable coming then.   I'll use those invitations for people who can respect MY faith."   That would have actually solved a couple problems, because you could have trimmed her guest list, kept the venue and added some of your cuts back to the list, all in one swoop.    But like I said, it's too late now.

    So what to do from here?   You need to be able to take a real and open view of her actions from now on.    If she truly steps out of line, you need to act on it right away.   You also need to have a talk with your husband about how the path of least resistance may have been the easiest route to take in the past, but that's no longer the case.  You should (and will) call him out on every instance where he puts his mothers needs before yours.   HOWEVER, that can be a dangerous gauntlet to throw down if you don't have the art of picking your battles mastered.    If it's you that seems unreasonable most of the time, it may eventually drive your husband away.   So don't take a stand on something like your MIL correcting the wedding song (if it was in fact wrong, which I assume it was). 

  • Why do you have to have a close relationship with your MIL?  Every family is different.  It's extremely rare to have IL's who are just like what you're accustomed to and become your new best friends.  

    As long as you and your MIL can be civil and get along, I think that's all that's necessary.  It may also help for you to talk to your husband.  Or vent to a friend who's a complete outsider of family.

    Anniversary
  • I just want to add in here- please please please, make sure you and your DH are on the same page about religion and children BEFORE getting pregnant (heck, before even trying to get pg)

    Or else, you will be on here, saying oh woe is me! My MIL is giving me grief about baptising my baby! My MIL won't let me bring any baby stuff into my house from my shower! My MIL is having a fit over the name we want to use! (easy fix- don't tell any names you are considering)

     

  • I talk to my mom almost every day. So what? And was she somehow supposed to know that 1030 am was your sex time? I mean really.
  • Your husband need to tell his mom to butt out of your lives.  If they were paying for the wedding then I guess they should have had some say. Now that you are married and living your own lives your husband needs to handle it.  She need to realize he is a grown man and mind her own business.  You need to handle it now....if you have kids it is 10 times worse.  Trust me.....I know personally.  My MIL became a complete nut job after our son was born even more so than before.  His mom is a control freak....

    I do agree that a honeymoon register it tacky.

  • I avoid calls from my mom if I am close to getting laid...I think that is normal. She will call at 8am....I ignore it and call at a more appropriate time.

    Talk to your H.....but he should be able to talk to his mom when he wants to, within reason.

    Why don't you make an effort with her? go to lunch alone with her and try to bond? she shouldn't talk crap about your religion, so you or our H need to find a way to bring this up. maybe she doesn't realize how much it bugs you? or she doesn't realize she is crossing a line

  • What everyone else said. blah blah blah.

    What's a honeymoon registry?

    [IMG]http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb435/casmegee/134122895122423716_t5gvWiYo_b.jpg[/IMG]
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