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How to Create Sexual Attraction

Hi Everyone,

Been having some issues in the sexual attraction department.  Husband and I are having some other marriage issues, but a good chunk is related to sexual passion/desire.

I really enjoy sex, but it's not good with my husband.  He is pretty bad at sex ? I?ve been pretty clear about what I like and we?ve even gotten some books. He?s suggested watching porn together, but it just feels weird to watch it with him (I have nothing against watching porn however).  I kind of have been pushing him away anytime he tries to be sweet and affectionate (kissing me, hugging me, etc).  I just don't want to be touched by him.  When we have sex (which is still pretty regular - about 2x/week), it really is more for physical satisfaction.

Any thoughts/ideas to build up the sexual attraction/passion? We've been together 6 years, and just wondering how others have continued to keep that passion alive.

 

Re: How to Create Sexual Attraction

  •  I'm really sorry to hear you are having some problems, I'm sure that's rough. From what you've send it sounds like you both want the same thing, but what's happened is either you come on to him or he'll come onto you and the other turns them down repeatedly, eventually creating feelings of being unattractive and unwanted. 

      As far as him not being very good, have you guys considered using toys? If not it's understandable, some people find the idea uncomfortable.

    Here is what I would suggest as far as the attraction goes, Take a week and for 20 minutes each day stand across from each other, have him gently run his fingers over your body without touching any body parts related to sex (i.e. breasts, genitals) after 10 minutes switch positions and you touch his body in the same manner without touching his genitals. During this week you should not have sex, instead this week should be concentrated on building attraction toward one another. This exercise should give you each the chance to find the places on the other person's body that make them feel good and attractive. It will give you each the time to give the other the feeling of being wanted and hopefuly end the cycle.

    Best of Luck! 

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  • Were you ever super attracted to and hot for him? I've never been able to force physical attraction if it isn't there, and believe me I've been "there"!

     ETA: Maybe the porn isn't a bad idea. If it's just his "skills" that really turn you off, maybe it would be a good for him to actually see exactly what you would like. But myself, even the most skilled lover wouldn't do it for me if there was just no attraction, you know?

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  • We have tried toys.  It's just...awkward with him.  So hard to explain.

     I like the idea of slowly building up to sex and taking a week to explore.  Perhaps we should try that.

    We never had a very strong sexual connection - and we met when I was 22 and still rather timid about sex and sexual things.  It didn't used to be such a problem because I really didn't care about it before and focused on the hubby being a nice guy.  But as I have gotten older and have gotten to feel more comfortable with myself, the sex/sexual connection is definitely in need of improvement.

  • image starburst604:

    Were you ever super attracted to and hot for him? I've never been able to force physical attraction if it isn't there, and believe me I've been "there"!

     ETA: Maybe the porn isn't a bad idea. If it's just his "skills" that really turn you off, maybe it would be a good for him to actually see exactly what you would like. But myself, even the most skilled lover wouldn't do it for me if there was just no attraction, you know?

    Never super attracted - thought he was cute, but never felt that "wow" feeling.  I didn't want to base a life partner on looks, but am regretting not paying a little more attention to that.

    Hmm - maybe should give porn a try.  It couldn't hurt, right? :)

    It's not just his skills I guess - he's also kinda hairy and gets sweaty, and I end up with his hair on my body.  Grosses me out somewhat.  Also, since we are having some other issues, I just don't feel emotionally close to him.

    I know I need to try new things - this same old, same old isn't working.  Funny thing is, hubby thinks we have a great sex life.  Go figure. :)

  • People sweat when they have sex. It happens, so you need to get over that. Also, porn? Not great for learning sexual technique, IMO. Communicate with the poor man and tell him what you want! Of course he thinks it's great if you haven't told him he's doing it wrong.

    Well, don't put it that way, obviously. More along the lines of "Ooh, baby, I love it when you do that thing where you [fill in the blank]." Or "Why don't we try a new position tonight?" Or "I want you to get me off with your mouth before you're allowed in tonight." Or whatever it is you're looking for in your sex life. Guys are not mind readers.

    ETA: And stop pushing him away. Why don't you want to kiss your husband? 

  • Have you asked him to shave? We maintain ourselves for them, they should have the same courtesy. 

      I think you guys should look into seeking counseling. It may help you figure out not only the attraction and sex, but also the other problems you've mentioned having in your relationship. If you could get him to, maybe even a sex therapist?  

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  • You describe the way I felt about my ex-FI. I didn't like his body hair, his scent and it seemed like no matter what we tried, I felt like I was sleeping with...my brother or something :(

     The truth is it wasn't his body hair or his scent, it was just "us". We didn't have that chemistry but I also didn't want to base my decision on a life partner on a thing like attraction or passion. I even thought maybe I wasn't that interested in sex anymore, and that it wasn't that important (was I ever WRONG). Strangely enough he also thought our sex life was great! 

    My guy now has plenty of fuzz, sweats like a pig when we have sex and doesn't smell great after a basketball game, but he makes me shiver and tingle and I can't get enough of him, in every way. I understand that over time this will come and go, but I am glad that we have it to begin with and so glad that I waited for it. I don't know what to tell you to do, I have read some of your other posts and I think that this problem goes deeper than just the intimacy part of it, but right now this is the part that is really bothering you. I hope you are able to reach a decision that works for you soon.

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  • Sexual attraction can't be created. It just is --- you can find a way to make your partner more desirable.

    I am pretty sure he always was not great in bed -- why did you pursue a relationship any further with a guy not on the same page as you as far as sex goes? You weren't sexually compatible. You should have moved on. 

    What i suggest:

    The both of you make this a DIY proect.:)  Go to a mainstream book store like a B&N or a Waldenbooks and check out the mainstream couples' sex manuals. 

    If you haven't masturbated, start --- show him what turns you on.

  • Well, as sad as it is to say, I think you married the wrong man.

    You cannot create sexual chemistry. It's either there or it's not. When you're with someone you have chemistry with, you won't care if he drips sweaty hair on you. It'll just suddenly...not be an issue. 

    I've had both situations recently. The first guy, I was completely in love with, we were crazy sexually compatible, and not a damn thing mattered. The last guy, I tried to force myself to be attracted to him, even though he wasn't my type, because he was nice and good for me. I did have a romantic attraction to him, initially, it's not like I didn't have anything at all. But once we were having sex for a while, I realized that we just had no physical chemistry. And when that physical chemistry wasn't there, the romantic quality went away, too. It got to the point where I couldn't stand to touch his body, and his sex sweat made me shudder. 

    You should never marry someone that you have ho-hum sexual chemistry with, because that's the person you're going to be having sex with for the rest of your life, in good times and in bad. Now obviously, you have to have that AND other things, sexual chemistry won't carry the relationship, but you do have to have it, or you're little more than just companions. 

  • I know this might sound like a weird question, but are you on the Pill?  I only ask because my husband and I went through quite a period of time in our relationship where I was almost completely unattracted to him and resented his sexual advances.  This actually went on for probably three years before and during our first year of marriage.  

     It caused a huge strain on our relationship, and I was beginning to think that I would live this horrible life with him, that he wasn't the man for me any longer (I was madly in love with him and couldn't get enough sex from him in the beginning of our relationship), and that I would end up without children because the idea of sex so repulsed me.  

    At the end of June, I stopped taking my birth control pills.  I was beginning to miss my period every few months and I am one of those girls that needs to be reassured by a little blood, haha.  Anyway, by the middle of August, I was fantasizing about my husband to the point of distraction and masturbating almost constantly (he was away on rotations for his education).  Needless to say, since I have stopped the Pill, our sex life has picked up and we are both happy.  He and I both love that sometimes I have to seduce him, beg him or just jump him.  

    If you don't love him that way anymore, then you should think about moving on.  I just felt compelled to offer this tiny bit of information to you since it has made such a difference for us.  It would be horrible to end a marriage over something so silly and easily fixed if that was the problem.  Good luck! 

    [IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23o2z6.jpg[/IMG]

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  • image kari5186:

    I know this might sound like a weird question, but are you on the Pill?  I only ask because my husband and I went through quite a period of time in our relationship where I was almost completely unattracted to him and resented his sexual advances.  This actually went on for probably three years before and during our first year of marriage.  

     It caused a huge strain on our relationship, and I was beginning to think that I would live this horrible life with him, that he wasn't the man for me any longer (I was madly in love with him and couldn't get enough sex from him in the beginning of our relationship), and that I would end up without children because the idea of sex so repulsed me.  

    At the end of June, I stopped taking my birth control pills.  I was beginning to miss my period every few months and I am one of those girls that needs to be reassured by a little blood, haha.  Anyway, by the middle of August, I was fantasizing about my husband to the point of distraction and masturbating almost constantly (he was away on rotations for his education).  Needless to say, since I have stopped the Pill, our sex life has picked up and we are both happy.  He and I both love that sometimes I have to seduce him, beg him or just jump him.  

    If you don't love him that way anymore, then you should think about moving on.  I just felt compelled to offer this tiny bit of information to you since it has made such a difference for us.  It would be horrible to end a marriage over something so silly and easily fixed if that was the problem.  Good luck! 

     Ironically - I recently went OFF the pill when things got worse.  I am definitely more interested in sex now, and am ready to go ALL THE TIME.  When I was on the pill, I just thought that sex wasn't that important to me. Boy was I wrong. However - I feel gross in some ways doing it with him.

    I am so sexually attracted to other guys, but I'm not overly attracted to him. Of course this goes a lot deeper, mainly because I'm emotionally checked out of my marriage.  An amazing nice guy, and I am not appreciating what I have.  

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