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Husband addicted to porn?

My hb and I have been married since may and had our first child in October. For the past year I feel like it has been one excuse after another on why he doesn't want sex with me. He is either too tired, stressed, or just not interested. He acts like he has no sex drive but I catch him watching porn all the time and masturbating. He recently told me he wanted to wait until I got back on bc since we just had our first child (another excuse) well I've had the implanon in my arm for 2 weeks. He then told me sex is predictable so it makes him not want it but in my point of view he seems like he's not interested so he rushes it so I do what works for the 6 minutes I'm alotted! I've never heard of a man who doesn't want sex with his wife. I'm good enough to cook clean and be the mother of his child but not good enough to sleep with. There is also zero romance no hugs or even a kiss. The baby and I both get the peck on the forehead like I'm a child. I'm so fed up and tired of crying over it I've tried everything. It has now been 3 months since we have had sex and before that it was few and far between. What would you do... Any advice?

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Re: Husband addicted to porn?

  • How long has this been going on?

     Long before you conceived your child. That's pretty telling.

    The horse is out of the barn but there is no way you should have considered continuing a realationship with him, let alone get pregnant and continue a relationship with him..

    You had a sex life that was already skewed and spotty; it' was already an unhealthy situation and not one that warrants a child being added to it. It's not healthy for you and if this problem keeps up, it will be an unhealthy atmosphere for your child as well.

    I don't know what "all the time" consists of -- and you do know that there are other ways to watch porn minus the use of a PC or laptop at home. Who knows how much porn he is or is not watching?

    If watching porn and masturbating is the only thing he does when he is at home, yes, there is a problem. I would NOT tolerate it if I were you.

    This is a sad situation; sorry you're going through this mess.

    I cannot tell if an actual addiction exists -- your sex life could be nonexistant for any one of a great many reasons (Madonna-wh0re syndrome [google it], has decided the bedroom department is closed, is having an affair to name a few. OR the relationship is over and has been over for quite some time).

    What you need to do...and I'll say it again, as usual:

    COMMUNICATE with him regarding what is going on.

    You need to sit down with him -- have somebody watch the kiddo for the afternoon -- and have a down to earth frank talk with him.

    Your needs are NOT being met -- there is no affection and there's no sex. He needs to understand that you are unhappy and that he needs to start putting you first on the double, no questions asked.

    when this issue first began -- and if that was before you got pregnant ---, you should have nipped it in the bud immediately and called  it quits and moved on. YOu were sexually incompatible; why would you want to pursue a relationship with somebody who is not on the same page as you are sex wise?

    He is handing you excuse after excuse and he is not being honest with you.

    A talk with him and you make it clear that your needs should be met and with no questions asked.

    You were already pregnant when you married --- it is indeed possible that that is what is playing a big role in what is going on.  This was already going on before you conceived -- I am wondering if it's possible that the relationship has already run its course or was in the process of doing so and then you got pregnant and then the 2 of you got married. Not good. You already started a marriage on very shaky ground.

    I do not think there is a porn addiction here. For that to happen, he has to be spending pretty much all of his time watching porn (on DVD, through other electronic means) -- it would have to interfere with his daily life -- and yours -- on a very large scale. Other things would have to be an issue: he can't get it up or get busy without watching porn first, there would be a good chunk of money spent to access porn sites, to name a few.

    It could very well be he is in no mood because he is masturbating too much.  I don't know how much is too much for him.

    AT any rate, there is a lot going on in this picture; you need to talk to him and get resolution on this that satisfies YOU. GL.

  • We did have this problem before we married, you're right about that. I have also told him I only feel like he did ask me to marry him because I got pregnant and not because he actually wanted to. We did not plan on having children but she is a blessing either way and through all of this is the only thing holding me together emotionally! Love my baby girl. 

    My hb is an army guy so his addiction to porn goes way back from back to back deployments with no one around but a magazine. I would say he probably masturbates 3 to 5 times a week. He tells me it's easier to take care of it himself to which I reply what about me. Every time I try to talk to him about it he shuts down and changes the subject and somehow turns it all around to blame md for something I'm doing wrong. He has it on his computer his iPod his phone and I made him get rid of all his videos when we had our child because I didn't want it in the house for her to find one day. It may be our relationship has run its course. I don't feel loved at all or appreciated. Most days I would rather be alone than be around him at all because I'm so tired of feeling rejected. It's all about him and what he wants to do all the time. To make it all worse since now I'm an army wife we are moved away from all friends and family and I feel like I have no one.

    I have asked him to go to counseling and he says if I want it I need to figure it all out but he never has time to go. I think it's just more excuses and he's just not in love with me anymore. 

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Just wanted to say sorry you are going through this. I have been hurt by my husbands porn use as well, we were always having sex too, but I understand how it feels to know your spouse is chosing a porn and his hand over you. I don't have any advice for you, it sounds like you have already talked to him alot.

    From your picture you look completly gorgeous and young, I would say the best thing to do is find someone who can better meet your needs. It sounds like it isn't "just" the sex that's missing but also affection. I am sure you can do better, and find someone who really wants to make you happy.

    Best of luck.

  • No offense but this is absolutely antedeluvian: 

    My hb is an army guy so his addiction to porn goes way back from back to back deployments with no one around but a magazine.

    This has nothing at all to do with his problem; his deployment is not what is causing this mess.

     I would say he probably masturbates 3 to 5 times a week. He tells me it's easier to take care of it himself to which I reply what about me. Every time I try to talk to him about it he shuts down and changes the subject and somehow turns it all around to blame md for something I'm doing wrong.

    This is wrong as it gets.

    And not for nothing, but I will bet you and he are both very young 20s. He's immature no matter what his age is -- he can't communicate and solve a confrontation like a grown up. 

     YOU need to figure all of it out??

    What a prince.

    You have a kiddo to be concerned about.  And you have to decide what it is you want to do; put yourself and the child first.

    This is indeed a mess; sorry that this is happening. Please resolve it so that you're happy and you and your child can have a better life. GL.

  • I'm thinking I don't represent the "normal" male population, but WTF if Alfred Kinsey taught us anything it was that in the secretive world of sexual relations, there are no norms... Just lots of blustering, showmanship, facades and general BS.

    Here is one guys honest personal insight, I hope it helps.  My libido fluctuates throughout the day/month/season (yes, men have hormones too).  Sometimes I'm just not in the mood.  Sometimes (winter blues/depression/stress/anxiety/ diet/inactivity) my libido takes a long term dip.  It's natural, dudes won't admit it but it happens all the time.  

    I like porn, masterbation 3-5X/week is amateur and nothing to be concerned about.  For a dude, it's just a fast, easy, pleasurable way to relieve stress.  Despite your very reasonable common sense assumptions... porn and masterbation are not related to sex drive. Nothing for you to feel threatened by.  Sex by comparison is time consuming, messy... and when you add in performance anxiety/expectations it can seem like work.  If a guy goes 12 rounds with your clit like Mike Tyson, your not exactly guaranteed a good time.  Dudes need there libido stimulated... just like the ladies. I'll grant you a young guy in good health gets turned on like a light switch (so some women learn early that they don't have to try that hard).  You shouldn't assume that full grown men will always or even normally get exited as easily.  There may be a deeper issues here, maybe not.  I'll try to rattle off a few ideas... some will be generalizations and may not apply.

    Women are turned on by feelings? We love you no doubt about it but, while the good mother/wife routine touches our hearts it doesn't tickle the pickle.  Men are visual creatures... Walk into a strip club and you'll see mostly men, walk into a male strip club and you'll see mostly gay men. It's not an accident, visual stimulation is essential to dudes.  You don't have to be a super model (far from it), but nothing kills a libido like sweat pants and pajamas.  Put on some makeup and hot clothes for no good reason, occasionally SURPRISE us with lingerie, dance around for us, if your feeling wild watch porn with us. It's not a guaranteed fix but I promise visual stimulation (like porn) does wonders for us. 

    Feed the ego.  I know it's torture but nothing makes a man "act" more like a man then when he feels like a man.  Truth is insecurities surrounding finances, familial inadequacy, crap at work, etc can really get us down. We generally suck with expressing feelings and so internalize instead (just because you can't see the stress doesn't mean its not there).  It can take a real toll on the sex life. Every dude wants to be a Superman, but reality gets in the way... help us create the illusion even if only for a little while.

    A recent medical study showed that men (especially fathers) experience higher estrogen levels when in the presence of newborns.  The good news is that the higher the estrogen the more likely the man is to be a great father.  On the flip side estrogen in men is a death sentence for libido. Think PCOS in reverse.  Newborn or not, if it's chronic an endocrinologist or even a general practitioner can test hormone levels and prescribe androgens.  Increasingly common in the 40+ crowd.

    Diet, exercise, sleep can have a major impact on physical performance, sex is not an exception to the rule.  There are other "duh" factors as well.  Google "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" for men and women, the higher up the triangle you can get the sweeter ALL of life's roses will smell.

    Men generally have higher testosterone in the morning, women have higher estrogen at night (complete nonsense I know)... going way out on a limb here... but... morning glory! Wake your husband up 15 minutes early with some fellatio (we're naturally aroused when we come out of REM sleep).  Do the deed no questions asked and send him off to work, he'll spend the rest of the day fantasizing about what kind of devil has gotten into his wife. WORD OF WARNING - I personally find it difficult to capitalize on morning wood, if for any reason you can't finish what you started thats okay, let him know you'll be waiting when he comes home...   

    Hope some of this helps. 


     

  • Sex is predictable, says he?

    So why doesn't he take the initiative --- jump your bones when you're not looking, then, or otherwise initiate when you least expect it?

    This is a whole lot of lip service you're getting from him. He's full of excuses and complaints and no solution.
  • I'm sorry you are going through this.  Lack of emotional closeness, non-existent communication, and unsatisfactory sex life are all HUGE issues.

    You guys need to get into counseling.  If he will not go, you should go for yourself.  

    If he is not willing to talk to you about this and work through the issues, I'm sorry to say I don't know if this marriage can be saved.

    I think a good thing to try  - put on some sexy nighties and see how he reacts.  Send him a naked picture of YOU.  If you get NO reaction, I think that is very telling of where he is at.

    Best of luck to you.  You are a young beautiful woman and you deserve happiness in your marriage.

  •  

     

    I like porn, masterbation 3-5X/week is amateur and nothing to be concerned about.  For a dude, it's just a fast, easy, pleasurable way to relieve stress.  Despite your very reasonable common sense assumptions... porn and masterbation are not related to sex drive.

    I wouldn't say this is true for all men, for awhile my husband was masturbating right before I got home from work at night...had to break him of that habit as it meant no getting laid for me that night.

    Nothing for you to feel threatened by.  

     Um having a man who would rather get himself off than have sex with his wife is nothing to be threatened by???Would you feel threatened if your partner told you she prefered youporn and her vibrator to you...not just sometimes but all the time?

    Women are turned on by feelings? I don't really think that's true. My husband calls me and tell me he loves me..great, doesn't get me wet. My husband calls me and tells me he can't wait to get home and me..that gets me excited and can't wait to go.

     

     Men are visual creatures... Walk into a strip club and you'll see mostly men, walk into a male strip club and you'll see mostly gay men. It's not an accident, visual stimulation is essential to dudes.  

    Women are visual too...its just its more acceptable for men to act on it. Also, personally the visual of people having sex is what turns me on, not just pics or a stripper walking around. Look at the rates women are the ones looking at internet porn and you can see that women are plently visual too.

    You don't have to be a super model (far from it), but nothing kills a libido like sweat pants and pajamas.  Put on some makeup and hot clothes for no good reason, occasionally SURPRISE us with lingerie, dance around for us, if your feeling wild watch porn with us. It's not a guaranteed fix but I promise visual stimulation (like porn) does wonders for us. 

    Ok, fair enough but after being shut down so often its hard to want to make an effort, or put yourself out there sexually.

     

    A recent medical study showed that men (especially fathers) experience higher estrogen levels when in the presence of newborns.  The good news is that the higher the estrogen the more likely the man is to be a great father.  On the flip side estrogen in men is a death sentence for libido. Think PCOS in reverse.  Newborn or not, if it's chronic an endocrinologist or even a general practitioner can test hormone levels and prescribe androgens.  Increasingly common in the 40+ crowd.

    Diet, exercise, sleep can have a major impact on physical performance, sex is not an exception to the rule.  There are other "duh" factors as well.  Google "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" for men and women, the higher up the triangle you can get the sweeter ALL of life's roses will smell.

    Men generally have higher testosterone in the morning, women have higher estrogen at night (complete nonsense I know)... going way out on a limb here... but... morning glory! Wake your husband up 15 minutes early with some fellatio (we're naturally aroused when we come out of REM sleep).  Do the deed no questions asked and send him off to work, he'll spend the rest of the day fantasizing about what kind of devil has gotten into his wife. WORD OF WARNING - I personally find it difficult to capitalize on morning wood, if for any reason you can't finish what you started thats okay, let him know you'll be waiting when he comes home...   

    Hope some of this helps. 

    Are you married?


     

  • image fit654:

     

     

    I like porn, masterbation 3-5X/week is amateur and nothing to be concerned about.  For a dude, it's just a fast, easy, pleasurable way to relieve stress.  Despite your very reasonable common sense assumptions... porn and masterbation are not related to sex drive.

    I wouldn't say this is true for all men, for awhile my husband was masturbating right before I got home from work at night...had to break him of that habit as it meant no getting laid for me that night.

    Nothing for you to feel threatened by.  

     Um having a man who would rather get himself off than have sex with his wife is nothing to be threatened by???Would you feel threatened if your partner told you she prefered youporn and her vibrator to you...not just sometimes but all the time?

    Women are turned on by feelings? I don't really think that's true. My husband calls me and tell me he loves me..great, doesn't get me wet. My husband calls me and tells me he can't wait to get home and me..that gets me excited and can't wait to go.

     

     Men are visual creatures... Walk into a strip club and you'll see mostly men, walk into a male strip club and you'll see mostly gay men. It's not an accident, visual stimulation is essential to dudes.  

    Women are visual too...its just its more acceptable for men to act on it. Also, personally the visual of people having sex is what turns me on, not just pics or a stripper walking around. Look at the rates women are the ones looking at internet porn and you can see that women are plently visual too.

    You don't have to be a super model (far from it), but nothing kills a libido like sweat pants and pajamas.  Put on some makeup and hot clothes for no good reason, occasionally SURPRISE us with lingerie, dance around for us, if your feeling wild watch porn with us. It's not a guaranteed fix but I promise visual stimulation (like porn) does wonders for us. 

    Ok, fair enough but after being shut down so often its hard to want to make an effort, or put yourself out there sexually.

     

    A recent medical study showed that men (especially fathers) experience higher estrogen levels when in the presence of newborns.  The good news is that the higher the estrogen the more likely the man is to be a great father.  On the flip side estrogen in men is a death sentence for libido. Think PCOS in reverse.  Newborn or not, if it's chronic an endocrinologist or even a general practitioner can test hormone levels and prescribe androgens.  Increasingly common in the 40+ crowd.

    Diet, exercise, sleep can have a major impact on physical performance, sex is not an exception to the rule.  There are other "duh" factors as well.  Google "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" for men and women, the higher up the triangle you can get the sweeter ALL of life's roses will smell.

    Men generally have higher testosterone in the morning, women have higher estrogen at night (complete nonsense I know)... going way out on a limb here... but... morning glory! Wake your husband up 15 minutes early with some fellatio (we're naturally aroused when we come out of REM sleep).  Do the deed no questions asked and send him off to work, he'll spend the rest of the day fantasizing about what kind of devil has gotten into his wife. WORD OF WARNING - I personally find it difficult to capitalize on morning wood, if for any reason you can't finish what you started thats okay, let him know you'll be waiting when he comes home...   

    Hope some of this helps. 

    Are you married?


     

     How applicable and useful would any of the info be in this post when it comes to the OP's H?  There's a great many issues here. I don't think they're fixable with what you suggest.

    Not being affectionate to your spouse -- not even a "Honey you look great this morning" or "You're a great mother to your kiddo" or "That was a great meal! Thank you, honey"?? Affection is a lot more than kissing and sex.

    The OP isn't even getting that much from her H.  How much does it cost to say something nice to your spouse?

    I for one wouldn't accept the fact that this guy wants me to be his child's mother, a cook, a laundress and a maid.  She needs to talk to him and get answers -- and none of this unacceptable pouty shutting down crap, either.

  • I didn't proof this so if your a grammar/spelling snob skip it. 

    This is a great site, but I think it's suffering from a lack of honest male perspective. It's a hard thing to come by. As men we don't discuss libido among ourselves, don't talk to our partners about it, lie to ourselves and avoid experts like urologists and sex counselors like the black plague. Any failure to meet the percieved social norms of male libido carries a stigma of sickness and weakness and as a result is hidden or denied. FACT based literature is hard to find and is often supplanted by the pseudoscience of pop mags like Cosmopolitan and ads for Viagra. Compared to women, men are still living in the sexaul health dark ages. Do you know what a "normal" male libido is? What are your reference sources? Why is this such a popular recurring topic on these boards? I can assure you porn and it's widespread proliferation is NOT a new phenominom. Commited life long monogomous relationships on the other hand have a spotty record, that makes sex a poor reason to get married and the worst kind of foundation to build a lasting relationship upon. I still believe that marriage is worthwhile!

    Are you married?

    Believe it or not... yep, almost three years. She is amazing but things get bumpy from time to time. I think everyone hears about how much work marriage is going in but on some level dismiss the talk as trumped up rumors. All we need is love right? It's easy to blame ourselves or our partners when things get tough, but marriage is a living thing and needs to be ACTIVELY maintained or it rots. The rot isn't anyones fault, giving up or deciding not to work on it together is. My father had a saying about marriage "When it works, there's nothing like it and when it doesn't work, there's nothing like it"

    my husband was masturbating right before I got home from work at night...had to break him of that habit

    Yea you did, but do you have to state it as though you were housetraining a pet? Masterbation kills libido temporarily. However, libido and a desire to masterbate in men are interrelated but not the same. When my wife masterbates its almost exclusively a poor substitution for sex and often leaves her hornier than when she started. Generally guys go from zero through arousal to orgasim much more easily and quickly then women. Sometimes masterbation is a substitution for sex and it inevitably lowers libido, but most of the time the reason for masterbation IS AS A QUICK, EASY, PLEASURABLE WAY TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM, relieve preasure on the prostate, and release endorphines. My libido could be at zero and I might still have a desire to masterbate... The desire to masterbate goes up with stress while libido goes down with stress. There is NO conscious decision by me where I think to myself "gee, I'd rather yank on my pecker than make love to my beautiful wife." There is more going on behind the scenes and one is almost always a poor substitution for the other. My wife just isn't wired that way, I'm guessing many women aren't and that it contributes to some misunderstanding. Your husband should not be masterbating shortly before a time of the day that you like to have sex... but otherwise there should be room for sex AND maserbation... They serve different purposes. If the sex/libido is missing on a regular basis then something else is to blame IMHO. Thus my conclusion that masterbation is not the threat.

    Women are visual too...

    I never meant to imply that women are not visual or that men are not emotional. Generalizations are tough because they often don't apply in specific situations. Its interesting that specifically watching the act of intercouse is the most/only arousing part of porn for you, I've heard that before from a handful of other women, though I'm once again sure its not universal. I can say that personally, a short skirt, the hem line on some pantyhose, or the shadow of a clothed nipple in the right lighting can be infinitely more arousing to the libido then watching intercourse. I'm sure we each have our own little tics, it's usaully not sweatpants and pajamas.

    after being shut down so often its hard to want to make an effort, or put yourself out there sexually.

    I know the trying is hard and the rejection is worse. I don't want to marginalize that. Normally, I think its the dudes job to find excuses for his woman to dress up (date ideas is a whole other topic on the boards right?). Anyway, making consistent efforts is tough emotionally but thats kind of what working at the marriage is all about right? I mean at a certain point the dude is going to need to step up and contribute in order for the marriage to work. However, at this juncture sounds to me like the guys libido is on hiatus which happens, naturally, more often then any dude wants to admit (SOMETIMES WE FAKE INTEREST TOO, it's just a lil harder for us to pull off). Yes there are more sinister explanations, but I haven't read anything to indicate thats the case here. The OP is a newlywed with a newborn on an army base away from family and friends. Sounds like a lot for any couple to tackle all at once. More than enough to shut down libido for a while. Unemployment killed me for a little while, but my wife stuck with me and got helpful rather than mad... We tried different things and some of it worked for us. We did it together cause thats what partners do... But for a dude admitting that there is any sexual health problem, even a natural one is a tough/impossible thing to do because then we'd have to admit that in socities eyes we're broken and useless as men. I say give it some time, keep trying new things, tricks... Work at creating the right environment for his libido to trigger. Rather then getting mad and turning up the stress, why not spend some more time trying to catch the bees with honey first (libido runs in cycles... no really it does). When things start to get better then have the conversation about wanting and needing more cooperation, you can get him started by sending him to this site to research and pick out a date night.

  • Ok, fair enough. You definately bring up some good points.

     my husband was masturbating right before I got home from work at night...had to break him of that habit

    Yea you did, but do you have to state it as though you were housetraining a pet? Masterbation kills libido temporarily. However, libido and a desire to masterbate in men are interrelated but not the same.

    Sorry, lol..came home horny a few too many nights to a bottle of lube on the counter, etc. Was frusturating, especially when I began to feel like he wanted to know when I would get home strictly so he knew when he needed to be "finished" by.

    When my wife masterbates its almost exclusively a poor substitution for sex and often leaves her hornier than when she started.  like your wife masturbation usually makes me hornier and more ready for the real thing later. Generally guys go from zero through arousal to orgasim much more easily and quickly then women. Sometimes masterbation is a substitution for sex and it inevitably lowers libido, but most of the time the reason for masterbation IS AS A QUICK, EASY, PLEASURABLE WAY TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM, relieve preasure on the prostate, and release endorphines. My libido could be at zero and I might still have a desire to masterbate... The desire to masterbate goes up with stress while libido goes down with stress. There is NO conscious decision by me where I think to myself "gee, I'd rather yank on my pecker than make love to my beautiful wife." 

    My husband has repetedly had to expain the difference between sex and masturbation for him, to me. And he has used many of the same reasons you did, such as stress. While I do it to it still seems like a poor substitite he is chosing to me, I am becoming more accepting on it but it is a work in progress for both of us. We watch porn together, and that doesn't bother me because it feels like its adding to our experience and bonding us in a werid way..like we are "getting away" with something together.

    It sounds like you probably have a healthy sex life with your partner as well as being able to masturbate frequently. The OP's husband seems to lack that ability, or something else is likely going on there. She appears very attractive, so something other than attraction must be missing in the relationship for him.

     

    However, if we ever went three months without sex I would be going crazy! In the 7 years we have been together the longest we've ever gone has been a week, and that has been because one of us is out of town. Maybe I do place too much importance on the sexual aspect of our relationship, but honestly I can't imagine being able to remain in a relationship without any sexually intimacy.

    I think to, the different arousal things are important to note in men and women. I would like to note as well that sometimes I become aroused by something, but don't even realize it until I notice how wet I am. It's also been very age related for me. I have always liked and enjoyed sex, since I became sexually active but I am much more preoccupied with it, and enjoy it more at 25 than I did at any time before.

  • image TarponMonoxide:

     How applicable and useful would any of the info be in this post when it comes to the OP's H?  There's a great many issues here. I don't think they're fixable with what you suggest.

    Good point, I don't know the OP or the H.  Your assuming a much greater level of dysfunction then I am.  Going back and re-reading I'm not sure either assumption is supported.  Either the love and commitment is there or its not.  Having a kid 4 months into a marriage is tough any way you spin it. 

    I'm working off of the idea here that the major gripe is a lack of physical intimacy.  Regarding affection my wife and I don't always see eye to eye.  Just knowing that she's around in the same room/house etc is often enough for me... obviously its not enough for her. Finding the middle ground has been some work, but it gets better as you work at it...

    Like the OP we didn't date very long and didn't work many of these things out before getting married.  All in all its all been worthwhile, but again I don't know the OP or her H or the intricacies of there relationship. 

  • image OkayWhatNow:
    image TarponMonoxide:

     How applicable and useful would any of the info be in this post when it comes to the OP's H?  There's a great many issues here. I don't think they're fixable with what you suggest.

    Good point, I don't know the OP or the H.  Your assuming a much greater level of dysfunction then I am.  Going back and re-reading I'm not sure either assumption is supported.  Either the love and commitment is there or its not.  Having a kid 4 months into a marriage is tough any way you spin it. 

    I'm working off of the idea here that the major gripe is a lack of physical intimacy.  Regarding affection my wife and I don't always see eye to eye.  Just knowing that she's around in the same room/house etc is often enough for me... obviously its not enough for her. Finding the middle ground has been some work, but it gets better as you work at it...

    Like the OP we didn't date very long and didn't work many of these things out before getting married.  All in all its all been worthwhile, but again I don't know the OP or her H or the intricacies of there relationship. 



    YOu and your wife didn't date long --- it used to be like that up until a generation ago. There was no such thing as dating a year or even two and then a year engagement.  You dated maybe several months, decided to get married and a wedding was up and coming in a few months after that.

    What's happening between the OP and her H is a whole other smoke. As you said, there's a child involved very early on into the marriage and the couple was expecting when the marriage took place.

    It's up to her H to be honest with her -- wow, if you can't be honest with your spouse, what good is it? He should meet her needs indeed -- and if he won't do that, it's also a character issue. Your mate comes first no matter what --- he should meet her at least halfway on this.  Sex once a week would be great, considering that there's a kiddo involved and that the OP is probably exhausted from the all-day marathon that consists of taking care of a small infant.

     

     

  • image amandalup:

    My hb is an army guy so his addiction to porn goes way back from back to back deployments with no one around but a magazine. I would say he probably masturbates 3 to 5 times a week.

    3-5 times per week is very normal NOT A PORN ADDICTION healthy and also should not affect your sex life

     

    Judging by your ticker your baby is 8 weeks old? I'm not surprised that you are having sexual troubles at this point lots of guys get weird about sex during the first pregnancy and for a while after  ... are you breastfeeding? if you are not perhaps you could ask a family member to watch the baby for an evening so the two of you can have some alone time (i am an AP momma so normally i would never advocate prolonged momma baby separation at such a young age but a strong relationship IS important for a family) rather than confront him about an imaginary problem ask him if he could please try to masturbate in the morning or early day so that he will be ready for you later on

    I mean this in the nicest way possible so please do not take it in a bad way but our bodies change during  pregnancy and just like it might turn you off is he grew a weird beard or a mustache perhaps he is not yet used to how pregnancy changed your body, this doesn't make him an ass it is totally normal for it to take a while for a new dad to view his spouse in a sexual manner after their first child (trust me i went through this when we had our first but the second time around he was all over me because he had learned to view me as both a maternal and sexual being)

     give the guy a break. say 'hunny, i know you have had trouble having sex with me since i became a mother but you are giving me a complex so tonight we are shutting the (TV,PC,smart phone) off and you and i are going to reconnect' do this twice per week until you both get over yourselves 

  • Reading comprehension doesn't seem to be so great here.  Rhythmic, the OP said that they started having sex problems a year ago.  Before she had the kid.  Nothing you just said here applies at all.
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Reading comprehension doesn't seem to be so great here.  Rhythmic, the OP said that they started having sex problems a year ago.  Before she had the kid.  Nothing you just said here applies at all.

    she got pregnant about 11months ago and people tend to estimate so it sounds from her 'about a year ago' that their problems arose around the beginning of the pregnancy and she says they haven't had sex in three months but she delivered a baby 8 weeks ago 

    and masturbating 3-5 times per week is hardly a problem  

  • Admittedly I haven't read every post on here, but I wanted to just say that guys go through postpartum stuff as much as women do.... especially if they've witnessed the birth from the "action end".  He may see your vag. differently now.

    Communication is by far the most important thing in a relationship.  Please try to continue to communicate.

  • I'm not sure if this will help, but I was in a similar situation. Before this I thought that sex addiction was an excuse men gave to be promiscuous.  I think differently now.  My soon-to-be ex husband has been addicted to porn since he was 11, but he's spent his whole life denying he'd ever watched it. In the meanwhile, I had no idea why I was being turned down for sex on a regular basis (I'm fit, fairly attractive, and will try anything).  He also became extremely emotionally abusive. When I had finally had enough of the abuse and told him I was leaving, he came clean about the porn and said he believed he was a sex addict. He immediately began personal and group therapy and attending SA.  What makes it an addiction was that it is a compulsion he seemingly cannot ignore even when it carries significant consequences. He would cancel plans with our friends so he could stay home alone and watch porn. The reason he was turning me down was because he had likely already masturbated several times.  His ability to perform was affected because he had become accustomed to so much variety and to tailoring his exact wants (he typically goes through several videos in one "setting" to achieve the perfect end.)

    Because he seemed serious about getting help and I believed that at least most of the abuse was due to the addiction, I agreed to give him some time. We started having sex again- even several times a day. I was thrilled he was finally giving me a chance. Later I learned that in addition to the porn, he had been frequenting strip clubs (something considered unfaithful in the context of our particular relationship) and had gone to a massage parlor where he received a happy ending while fondling the naked prostitute.

    He cried and apologized, wrote me a beautiful letter, and said he would do anything to show me that he was changing. But it was clear he had a long long way to go.  Because of the trauma of these discoveries, I had to take a leave from work and went to visit family. Meanwhile my husband traveled for work and went to a strip club where he paid for a blow job and lots of touching/kissing with the stripper/prostitute. All the while he was insisting he was changed and I came first now. He came home more determined than ever to show me he was different. He became furious when I asked questions and referred to any of his behaviors in the present tense. But it was all a lie.

    I am leaving him now, but I wish I had done it sooner. If you think your husband might be an addict, there is a lot of great research on sex addiction now. I'd be happy to recommend a few books and there are numerous support groups as well.

     

     

  • To clear a few things up for anyone reading my hb and I had these problems before we found out we were preggo. We are going to a marriage counselor now and working on things. Although I know I am not back to what I was before birth the only thing on me that has stayed big after birth is my breasts I am back in my size 4's. I work out everyday, he also did not watch the delivery he stayed at the head of the bed. Although his porn may not be classified as addiction it is still harming our sex life so I consider it a problem. I don't ask my hb for much either he gets to go golfing hunting watch football whatever he wants. I don't limit him because I know he would resent me for it. I don't even make him get up for night time feelings with our daughter, not that he isnt a very active dad. 
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • No blame here but there maybe more to this than what we are reading.Just taking some guesses here.

    Was the child planned or was this a shotgun marriage? 

    General health, finances, money, age, education,employment etc? DH won't feel like much of a man making min wage, living in a trailer park and having more bills than paycheque. 

     Men generally don't want to have sex with a "good wife and "Mother" ". They want wild crazy sex with hottie. 

      I've overheard a man mention with some anger on coffee break. Yes the acoustics down the hallway to my desk from the lunch room are excellent. How sex was going pretty good hen the baby whimpered.Lets just say the mood was spoiled when "Mother" left the sex scene instantly and without warning to tend to the baby. DH felt rather insulted to be head of the house and husband. Yet given priority after the baby and the dog.   

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