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HELP

I have 2 Teenagers,19 & 16., I have been dating my BF for 2 years, and recently he has moved in.. As long as he was not there they got along great but snce he has been there all time they cant do all the things that they used too. like sleep in my room and just walk in my room. 

I admit that I am a bit laxed when it comes to rules, so when they overstep the boundaries I correct them and be done with it, but he gets upset that I don't scold them or punish them. He has no kids at all and we are always disagreeing about how I shoud discipline my kids, Because his mom did it to him and his siblings.

 I really care for him but if he don't leave me alone about dicspling my kids he might find himself on the other side of the door.

 

Re: HELP

  • How much discipline does a 19 yo require?

    How old is your boyfriend? How old are you? 

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  • This seems like a problem you'd have with toddlers, not teenagers.  "Scolding" a 19 year old or 16 year old seems weird.  
  • He's your boyfriend.  Why is he telling you how to parent your children? If you don't want him telling you what to do with your kids, you should shut him down and tell him that your parenting decisions are none of his concern, and aren't up for discussion.
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  • image KayRI:
    This seems like a problem you'd have with toddlers, not teenagers.  "Scolding" a 19 year old or 16 year old seems weird.  
    As does them sleeping in your room. Wtf?

    Lets pretend they were toddlers, if you want this person as your partner in life, I tend to think this includes parenting. It sounds like you're not really compatible in that area. That would be a dealbreaker for me.  

  • Your 19 and 16 year old kids still sleep in bed with you?
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  • Are you asking for help or did you just want to share this little story with us?
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  • I don't think boyfriends get any say in parenting their girlfriends' children.  The fact that these children are almost grown makes him even more inappropriate.
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  • image FallinAgain:
    I don't think boyfriends get any say in parenting their girlfriends' children.  The fact that these children are almost grown makes him even more inappropriate.

    It's why Lorelai broke up with Max. 

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  • I think the 19 year old sleeping in your room is more of a problem.
  • image FallinAgain:
    I don't think boyfriends get any say in parenting their girlfriends' children.  The fact that these children are almost grown makes him even more inappropriate.

    The dude lives there and doesn't get any say about people walking into what is now his bedroom as well? I disagree.

    Also, I know it's a different situation, but it would be pretty alienating in my relationship if unexpected Kevin to have no say in parenting decisions. He will be Connor's step-dad soon and already fills that role so to speak. He loves the kid and wants to see him develop into all of the things a parent wishes for their kid too. I can't imagine telling him that was none of his business.  

  • Why on earth would a 16 and 19 year old want to sleep in their mother's room?!
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  • image WendyToo:

    image FallinAgain:
    I don't think boyfriends get any say in parenting their girlfriends' children.  The fact that these children are almost grown makes him even more inappropriate.

    The dude lives there and doesn't get any say about people walking into what is now his bedroom as well? I disagree.

    Also, I know it's a different situation, but it would be pretty alienating in my relationship if unexpected Kevin to have no say in parenting decisions. He will be Connor's step-dad soon and already fills that role so to speak. He loves the kid and wants to see him develop into all of the things a parent wishes for their kid too. I can't imagine telling him that was none of his business.  

    I assume by "correcting" them, she's told them they are to stay out of the bedroom.  He wants them punished.

    There's a HUGE, HUGE difference between a live-in boyfriend wanting to dictate punishment of almost grown and adult children, and a soon-to-be stepfather wanting to participate in parenting a 3 yr old he is committed to helping raise.  Not even comparable.

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  • image buddhagouda:

    image FallinAgain:
    I don't think boyfriends get any say in parenting their girlfriends' children.  The fact that these children are almost grown makes him even more inappropriate.

    It's why Lorelai broke up with Max. 

    Snerk.  This is exactly what I thought about while reading this.

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  • image FallinAgain:

    I assume by "correcting" them, she's told them they are to stay out of the bedroom.  He wants them punished.

    There's a HUGE, HUGE difference between a live-in boyfriend wanting to dictate punishment of almost grown and adult children, and a soon-to-be stepfather wanting to participate in parenting a 3 yr old he is committed to helping raise.  Not even comparable.

    As always, you say it better than I can.  I agree that the two situations are totally different.  16 and 19 year olds suddenly being punished when they never have before is just going to lead to tension and resentment between the kids and boyfriend (and maybe even the mother).

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  • image FallinAgain:
    image WendyToo:

    image FallinAgain:
    I don't think boyfriends get any say in parenting their girlfriends' children.  The fact that these children are almost grown makes him even more inappropriate.

    The dude lives there and doesn't get any say about people walking into what is now his bedroom as well? I disagree.

    Also, I know it's a different situation, but it would be pretty alienating in my relationship if unexpected Kevin to have no say in parenting decisions. He will be Connor's step-dad soon and already fills that role so to speak. He loves the kid and wants to see him develop into all of the things a parent wishes for their kid too. I can't imagine telling him that was none of his business.  

    I assume by "correcting" them, she's told them they are to stay out of the bedroom.  He wants them punished.

    There's a HUGE, HUGE difference between a live-in boyfriend wanting to dictate punishment of almost grown and adult children, and a soon-to-be stepfather wanting to participate in parenting a 3 yr old he is committed to helping raise.  Not even comparable.

     I think the OP leaves a bit up to interpretation. If it keeps happening and/or is part of a larger pattern of disrespect for other people and their space, I can see someone wanting to have some consequences rather than to shut up and wait for her to ask them not to do that specific thing again.  Obviously, we don't see how it all goes down, but I can understand how it would be hard to sit quietly when he is impacted by their actions too. I also think a live-in boyfriend implies a serious level of commitment between the two of them as well. 

  • I come down on this closer to Wendy's side.  I was a stepmother who entered the picture when my stepson was a teenager.  I didn't move in with Fran until we were engaged, and by then stepson was away at college, but it was still his home and he was with us on holidays and vacations.  If there had been issues with boundaries and respect I would have expected Fran to deal with it, and if he was 'lax' and didn't take into consideration my feelings, I would have been upset.

     

  • image KayRI:

    I come down on this closer to Wendy's side.  I was a stepmother who entered the picture when my stepson was a teenager.  I didn't move in with Fran until we were engaged, and by then stepson was away at college, but it was still his home and he was with us on holidays and vacations.  If there had been issues with boundaries and respect I would have expected Fran to deal with it, and if he was 'lax' and didn't take into consideration my feelings, I would have been upset.

     

    Im with Kay & Wendy. If almost adults are sleeping or barging into mom and boyfriends bedroom I'm looking at it as more of a Lord of the Flies situation where the house is just unruly and something needs to be done. Not a guy overstepping.  

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