Family Matters
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Need some more advise

     I know I may get flamed for this but I need more advise for the situation I am in. Before I wrote about how my sister and I don't get along and how she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Well, even though she doesn't want to talk to me I would still like to have a relationship with my niece. However, that won't be possible anytime soon, perhaps maybe never. I would like to buy my niece a present and mail it to my sister's house but considering how much my sister hates me I can see her not giving the gift to her daughter. I would hope she wouldn't do that but knowing my sister anything is possible. Also, that would probably really piss her off. So, I was wondering if the right thing to do would be to not give my niece anything at all? I was thinking about giving the present to my step-mom so she can give it to my niece when they see each other for Christmas. Wouldn't that be putting my step mom in the middle though? And my sister may still refuse to give it to her daughter. I know she won't be sending anything to my son for Christmas or his birthday but I want to send something to my niece not because I'm expecting my sister to buy anything for my son, but because I really want to buy her something. If you were in my situation and there was the possibility of your gift to your niece being sent back to you/thrown away would you still attempt to send something? If your sibling didn't want to speak to you would you still buy birthday gifts/Christmas gifts for the children? Or what if you were the one not wanting to speak or see your sister, would you appreciate her sending anything to your kids?

Re: Need some more advise

  • This makes no sense. Just because your sis is angry at you, her daughter should suffer and be part of the feud?

    Nope.

    She should say "Here you go, here's a gift for you from Aunt JulienC" and shut her mouth with any lousy sentiments about you.

    If you want to call and talk to her, same thing: your sister should butt out.

    Poor kid. SHe's probably wondering why come she does not hear from you.
  • My mom and my aunt hated each other - but I loved my aunt.  My mom tried to destroy our relationship when I was young and I'm just now rebuilding it.  Don't let this happen.
  • If you want to send your niece a gift, you should.

    I would not give it to your stepmom to pass along though. Definitely send it yourself. 

  • Well, you can't control what your sister does.  And if she doesn't want you to have a relationship w/ your neice, then you probably aren't going to have one.  I mean, think about it - if there was someone you "hated", would you give them access to your child on any level?  I probably wouldn't!  Family or not.

    So.... my point?  You can try to give her a gift, but you have to fully expect that she'll never get it. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Save the money...

    When she gets older and you can have control over the contact you have with her you will have better luck.

    Your sister has total control right now,,,and she will not allow any contact from you no matter how you try.



  • DH was in the same situation when his sister stopped speaking to him.  It CRUSHED him b/c he really loved his niece and nephew.  Of course, SIL knew that, which is why she pulled her kids into the mess by telling DH her kids "didn't need anything from them."

    I think you have two choices.  If you are going to SEE your niece at a large family gathering, you can always give her a present in front of everyone else.  I think you mentioned that your sister acts like a saint in front of the family.  At least you will have a witness if she acts poorly.

    Your other choice (what I would do) is to send a nice card to your niece at her birthday time.  Your sister may or may not give it go her, but at least you will know you tried - and as your niece gets older she may intercept the mail.

    Then, separately (not included in the card) I would buy savings bonds (even a $25 bond) for your niece. When she is older, you can take the opportunity to give her the bonds and tell her you have thought about her every year (at Christmas, or on her birthday).  That money will add up!

    But I need to tell you....you need to realize that while your sister is in charge, you don't have any control over your relationship with your niece.  It stinks that your sis will put her own child in the middle of the fued, but that is what she is choosing to do.  You need to disengage. 

    I'm also repeating that you need therapy.  You can't focus on "your niece" now that you realize how horrible your sister is or now that your sister has chosen to end her relationship with you. 

  • To answer your last question - no, if there was someone who I hated and wanted nothing to do with, I would not appreciate them sending gifts to my child. Anything sent would be returned to them unopened.

    I mean, if I want nothing to do with someone, why would I want my child exposed to them?

    Fair or not, you can't expect to have a relationship with a child without also having a relationship with the parent.

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  • image SueBear:

    DH was in the same situation when his sister stopped speaking to him.  It CRUSHED him b/c he really loved his niece and nephew.  Of course, SIL knew that, which is why she pulled her kids into the mess by telling DH her kids "didn't need anything from them."

    I think you have two choices.  If you are going to SEE your niece at a large family gathering, you can always give her a present in front of everyone else.  I think you mentioned that your sister acts like a saint in front of the family.  At least you will have a witness if she acts poorly.

    Your other choice (what I would do) is to send a nice card to your niece at her birthday time.  Your sister may or may not give it go her, but at least you will know you tried - and as your niece gets older she may intercept the mail.

    Then, separately (not included in the card) I would buy savings bonds (even a $25 bond) for your niece. When she is older, you can take the opportunity to give her the bonds and tell her you have thought about her every year (at Christmas, or on her birthday).  That money will add up!

    But I need to tell you....you need to realize that while your sister is in charge, you don't have any control over your relationship with your niece.  It stinks that your sis will put her own child in the middle of the fued, but that is what she is choosing to do.  You need to disengage. 

    I'm also repeating that you need therapy.  You can't focus on "your niece" now that you realize how horrible your sister is or now that your sister has chosen to end her relationship with you. 

    I like this.  She won't know you, but will know that you never forgot her and still loved her.  But I still think I'd try to send her a gift now.

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  • image MarynJoe:
    image SueBear:

    DH was in the same situation when his sister stopped speaking to him.  It CRUSHED him b/c he really loved his niece and nephew.  Of course, SIL knew that, which is why she pulled her kids into the mess by telling DH her kids "didn't need anything from them."

    I think you have two choices.  If you are going to SEE your niece at a large family gathering, you can always give her a present in front of everyone else.  I think you mentioned that your sister acts like a saint in front of the family.  At least you will have a witness if she acts poorly.

    Your other choice (what I would do) is to send a nice card to your niece at her birthday time.  Your sister may or may not give it go her, but at least you will know you tried - and as your niece gets older she may intercept the mail.

    Then, separately (not included in the card) I would buy savings bonds (even a $25 bond) for your niece. When she is older, you can take the opportunity to give her the bonds and tell her you have thought about her every year (at Christmas, or on her birthday).  That money will add up!

    But I need to tell you....you need to realize that while your sister is in charge, you don't have any control over your relationship with your niece.  It stinks that your sis will put her own child in the middle of the fued, but that is what she is choosing to do.  You need to disengage. 

    I'm also repeating that you need therapy.  You can't focus on "your niece" now that you realize how horrible your sister is or now that your sister has chosen to end her relationship with you. 

    I like this.  She won't know you, but will know that you never forgot her and still loved her.  But I still think I'd try to send her a gift now.

    I agree with the bolded as well.

    Another suggestion is a savings account for collage, you could put it in her name and add whatever you feel comfortable putting in it every christmas, birthdays, special events (graduation) etc.

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  • Just give the present to someone (like your stepmom) to put under the tree without making a big deal about.  It's not like she needs to hand this gift to your niece and say it's from you.  Just have her place it under the tree with the presents they are bringing.

    But to answer your question, yes I think you should still get your niece something.  Your feud isn't with her, it's with your sister.  It will totally suck if your sister doesn't let your niece have the present from you, but at least you will have piece of mind that you tried.

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