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Really hurt by my father. Need Advice

2

Re: Really hurt by my father. Need Advice

  • image peanutkls:
    Thank you, I don't think everyone that post's really understands. I really was hoping my wedding day was a day he wouldn't disappoint me, I shouldn't have had my hopes up. NO I'm not a DRAMA queen, I was HURT! those are two different things.

    Why on this one day would his normal behavior magically change? I think you had very unreaslistic expectations here.

  • I didn't think it would magically change, but why would I at least not hope. I guess I was wrong for hoping that my father would  give a ***.
  • image ESDReturns:
    image MarynJoe:

    Let's give the OP a break here.  It sounds like the real issue is that her dad has never been the ideal dad for her.  She had high hopes that for one day, her wedding day, he would be the dad she always wanted.  Once again, he disappointed her.  The real issue here is probably the realization that her dad will NEVER be the kind of dad she wants and needs.

    So my advice?  Accept that your dad is who he is.  Lower your expectations of him.  Know that he will never be the dad that you'd like to have.  And know that it isn't your fault. 

    This. It took me a long time to come to terms with that but once I did, I was much happier.

    I will second ditto this!

    OP, you have to come to terms with the fact that this is a character flaw in your father, not a reflection on you.  Sadly too, he may actually be *trying* but they way that he is parenting/trying, isn't the way that makes you feel fulfilled/loved. 

  • image peanutkls:
    Also the worse part was having them announce to everyone that we were doing the FOB and Bride dance and he was no where to be found. It felt as though i was left at the alter by my father. It was the worst feeling ever, unless you were put in the situation then you shouldn't say I'm overreacting.

    Seriously? My DH had gotten sidetracked before we did our dance. I laughed it off. It wasn't the worst feeling ever. You are a bridezilla and a b!tch.

    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2czvlhx.jpg[/IMG]
  • The picture in your signature is lovely.

    One of the best things I've ever done for myself is to lower my expectations of my parents. I'm sorry your dad disappoints, but don't let it ruin everything for you. 

  • image peanutkls:
    I didn't think it would magically change, but why would I at least not hope. I guess I was wrong for hoping that my father would  give a ***.
    You keep contradicting yourself - both in this post and the other.  You say a few times you knew he wouldn't be different, you didn't think he'd magically change...

     BUT

    BUT

    BUT

    well... there you have it, you actually don't know this.  Or you keep hiding behind it as a defense to your overreactions (and yes, some of what you wrote is a huge overreaction).

    Look- I'm not going to fault you for wanting him to be someone different.  I'm not going to fault you for wishing.  However, the time has come for you to step up and really face facts. THIS is who your father is. Through and through. 

    Start accepting it and find a way to deal with it so that you stop putting so much power into his hands.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Obviously you don't know how to sympathize with others, and by you calling me a B!tch when you don't know me, maybe you should look in the mirror. Unless you have been in a similar situation you have no room to talk. If it were my DH that did it I would have laughed it off, because I know he was enjoying his own wedding as well.
  • image peanutkls:
    Obviously you don't know how to sympathize with others, and by you calling me a B!tch when you don't know me, maybe you should look in the mirror. Unless you have been in a similar situation you have no room to talk.

    Ohhh jeezus, here we go. Why even post on here needing advice if you wanted a specific audience to respond? Sorry, but you chose a message board where a lot of women have a lot of experience in different situations and can offer insight into your post.

    I am, in fact, in a similar situation to you. My dad has always made grandiose promises that he was never able to deliver. Although with a lot of time and therapy, I have been able to accept that is who he is. Like ECB said, it doesn't change the fact that I wish he could be there for me and support me, but the reality is that he has never displayed that behavior and probably never will. I think it's time you help yourself and separate what you wished he'd be versus what you really know him to be.

  • I'm okay getting negative input, I realize that is a part of putting up posts on here.  I just don't appreciate being called names like B!tch or Bridzilla.
  • You need to calm down and get over it.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • image peanutkls:
    Obviously you don't know how to sympathize with others, and by you calling me a B!tch when you don't know me, maybe you should look in the mirror. Unless you have been in a similar situation you have no room to talk. If it were my DH that did it I would have laughed it off, because I know he was enjoying his own wedding as well.

    I can sympathize with others. I guess I'm not seeing anything to sympathize with here. Nothing at all. You are being a petty.

    Yeah, that was b!itchy. I'll admit it.

    I have been in a similiar situation. My parents weren't the All-American mom and dad. I don't think that either of my parents called me "pretty" or "beautiful" or said I looked "nice" on my wedding day. My mom did tell me that I was being a bridezilla because I asked her what to do after one of the readers called and told me that they were going to be half an hour late for the wedding and I should wait for them.

    She's told my younger sisters teachers (and my old teachers) that "as long as she doesn't turn out like [me, my mom] will be happy." I get it. You need to get it-- get over it.

     

    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2czvlhx.jpg[/IMG]
  • image peanutkls:
    image kellbell1919:
    I am completely agog that you would expect any kind of contribution from your father or allow your unemployed mother to contribute.  DH and I paid for our wedding on our own, so even if someone had told us we "couldn't" hire a photographer we would have laughed at them and done what we wanted anyway.

     

    If you read what I wrote you can see I did not EXPECT contribution! Both of my parents offered to help, and in the end I ended up paying for most of it. My DH is  in school  because he was in the Army and now using his GI bill and working part time, he wasn't able to contribute but paid our bills, while I saved for the wedding. Like I wrote in my OP I worked a full time teaching job as well as a night time retail job in order to pay for the wedding. I ended up having a friend do my pictures and she did a great job, I did pay for her however she was not as much as the photographers I had first looked at because she had no experience. SHE DID AWESOME! 

    I talked to my Dad and his wife about the plans for the wedding and his wife said I would be able to have anything that I wanted because I was my Dad's only daughter. A few months into planning the wedding, my father finally told me the amount that they were offering to give me. I was very surprised, It was not what I was expecting ( he has a very well paying job and I was not expecting such a low number) but I made no deal of it, and didn't complain and knew I would probably have to pay for the majority of the wedding as well. My mother who was unemployed at the time also put in quite a bit of money which I know she had a hard time being able to do financially.

     

    Make up your mind.

    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2czvlhx.jpg[/IMG]
  • My dad split with my mom when I was very young. We don't have a close relationship. He spent most of my childhood canceling our time together because he was "sick". He's never told me he's proud of me, that I'm pretty/beautiful, or given me any kind of fatherly advice. Do I wish things were different? Yes. Especially since I lost my mother this year and he's the only parent I have left. But the reality is that I have no expectations of him. This is our relationship and I don't see it changing.

    You have to accept things as they are. You wedding has come and gone and there is nothing you can change.

    [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v479/JsuperJ/images-1.jpg[/IMG]
  • You said that you didn't expect contribution from your parents but then followed it with a lot of sentences that implied otherwise.  I think you'd do well to acknowledge that you did have some expectation that your Dad would pay up and that his failure to pay made you feel sidelined.  I was in school FT when we got married, we still made the decision to pay ourselves and not to wait until we had more $ saved up.  This does not make me bitter or resentful.  You have control over how you feel about your wedding day and how you remember it and you are choosing to remember it in the way that is most painful to you.

    I do get where you're coming from, we have been through some of it with my ILs.  Of course it is always hurtful when you hope they're showing signs of wanting to become more involved and then don't follow through, but in the end you have to make a decision of whether you can accept the relationship your Dad is willing to give or whether you are not ok with being second to his wife.  It's clear that you're carrying a lot of anger and resentment and are not willing to accept the relationship he is willing to give, which is why I suggested counseling. Will it ever stop hurting completely?  No.  Will you ever stop being unpleasantly surprised when something happens and he doesn't support you in the way you would hope?  No.  But you can manage the level of hurt and the damage it does to you psychologically and the rest of your life by making a conscious decision not to let it take over your life.  It's ok to be sad and hurt on occasion when he doesn't come through, it is a gut wrenching horrible feeling and I understand that.  But it is not ok to let those feelings become toxic to the rest of your life.

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • image peanutkls:
    Obviously you don't know how to sympathize with others, and by you calling me a B!tch when you don't know me, maybe you should look in the mirror. Unless you have been in a similar situation you have no room to talk. If it were my DH that did it I would have laughed it off, because I know he was enjoying his own wedding as well.

     

    Ah, the classic "You don't know me!" defense. 

    image
  • I've put up with your Sh!t before as I am sure many of the people on this board have, now your the real B!tch of these boards!  I'd prefer if you just didn't comment! Your advice or lack advice of is not needed.
  • Damn I thought I was the b!itch of the board! I must try harder and post more often.


  • image peanutkls:
    I've put up with your Sh!t before as I am sure many of the people on this board have, now your the real B!tch of these boards!  I'd prefer if you just didn't comment! Your advice or lack advice of is not needed.

    Who is this even aimed at?

     

    You are losing your touch, Mags. Hopefully, winter break will allow you to catch up.

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • image Muddled:

    image peanutkls:
    I've put up with your Sh!t before as I am sure many of the people on this board have, now your the real B!tch of these boards!  I'd prefer if you just didn't comment! Your advice or lack advice of is not needed.

    Who is this even aimed at?

     

    You are losing your touch, Mags. Hopefully, winter break will allow you to catch up.

     

     mbcdefg

    I can take all the other Sh!t that comes at me, I know there will be negativity when I post things, bust when you see its the same person every time you post something it gets really old, and make you wonder what kind of life they have when they just sit on boards trying to make other people feel bad.  GET OVER YOURSELF!

  • image Muddled:

    image peanutkls:
    I've put up with your Sh!t before as I am sure many of the people on this board have, now your the real B!tch of these boards!  I'd prefer if you just didn't comment! Your advice or lack advice of is not needed.

    Who is this even aimed at?

     

    You are losing your touch, Mags. Hopefully, winter break will allow you to catch up.

    omg I am losing touch...god damn job! i will have to post extra during winter break...i can't let this happen...



  • Why do you want to be the B!tch on the board? I just don't get that?
  • In all seriousness, dude, I think you need professional help. You're just coming unhinged here.
    image
  • In all seriousness, I'm considering it, to try to figure out my what people like to say "daddy-issues" or whatever , but in all other aspect of my life I'm very happy. Everyone goes through a rough patch now and then. 

    Second! I"m not a dude! :)

  • I have faith in you, Mags.

     

    OP, it's not easy to be disappointed by parents.You grow up thinking that they can do no wrong. One day, you wake up and you realize that they are just people and make mistakes, just like everyone else. Finding someone objective to talk to, like a therapist, can help you to sort through your feelings regarding this.

    The fact that all your examples had to do with your wedding day makes you come off like a selfish little princess, but if there is more to this that you haven't told us, then you're going to have to work to change your expectations. Otherwise, you will continue to be disappointed.

     

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • image peanutkls:
    image Muddled:

    image peanutkls:
    I've put up with your Sh!t before as I am sure many of the people on this board have, now your the real B!tch of these boards!  I'd prefer if you just didn't comment! Your advice or lack advice of is not needed.

    Who is this even aimed at?

     

    You are losing your touch, Mags. Hopefully, winter break will allow you to catch up.

     

     mbcdefg

    I can take all the other Sh!t that comes at me, I know there will be negativity when I post things, bust when you see its the same person every time you post something it gets really old, and make you wonder what kind of life they have when they just sit on boards trying to make other people feel bad.  GET OVER YOURSELF!

    Actually, mbcdefg isn't a b!tch. She gives really great advice to people who aren't being petty and unrealistic. And you are. You thought your less-than-stellar father was going to magically become someone else on your wedding day, and he didn't. He complimented you on looking nice, and that wasn't good enough. He could have told you you looked like crap or said nothing at all. So you're complaining about the compliment he did give you. Complaining about some ridiculous suggestion about a honeymoon. You let that ruin your whole night and you're holding something so stupid against him? Your expectations are too high, and you're still complaining and stewing about things that really weren't that big of a deal six months later. The only thing I can even see being annoyed with is not getting the pictures back. That's all. The rest is just pathetic that you're this upset over and having to post about when the wedding was half a year ago.

    And really, the "you don't know me" defense is old. All the people who get advice or feedback they don't like use that line. All anyone can comment on is what's posted by the OP, and what you posted seems really petty and insignificant, especially to be whining about so many months later. So no, no one "knows you", but all anyone can go off of is what you posted in your OP and subsequent followups.

    And how has she been coming after you for "so long" when you've only posted 40 times?

    Oh, FFS.
  • image peanutkls:
    Why do you want to be the B!tch on the board? I just don't get that?

    Well, some people call it b!itch..usually new people who haven't been posting for long and who really dont want to hear the truth. They want people to sympathize when obviously they are overreacting, being unreasonable, or just plain wrong. When people call them on their crap the poster usually makes one of the following remarks...

    You dont know me

    You just dont understand

    You havent been in my shoes

    You are all so mean

    I feel sorry for your H's

    or they just DD.

    The people who are called b!tches are usually dead on with their responses, but poster want to hear the truth,

    Of course then people who actually may see the truth then complain about the delivery...too blunt...too mean...to hurtful etc..

    Now I myself dont usually call names I dont think it is necessary, but i am blunt and shoot from the hip. of course if someone comes back with nastiness i will rip them up.

    so, being a b!tch of the board is a compliment!



  • image magsugar13:

    This was YOUR wedding not his.

    He didn't have to do anything. You have stated more then once that you can not count on him, so why did  you think this was going to be any different?

    He didnt LET you get a photographer is just a crock of crap. You are an adult and if you wanted one you would have gotten one. Again, you know how responsible he is...and you still decided it was a good idea to let him take pictures? your fault!

    He made fun of the Itinerary I had made for the events of the night, but if he would have paid attention he wouldn't have been out smoking  when they called him for the Bride and FOB dance in which I stood there fatherless about to cry when they announced

    Drama queen much...omg! So, you wait 10 min. and do the dance then...fatherless wow...

    I'd suggest counseling for you. your pretty princess day didn't go off exactly how you wanted it to...you know you had no dad there to take down chairs..he went out to smoke a cigarette and didnt follow your itinerary...i dont know how youll get over this devestation!

     

    this is such a crazy-biotchy response that i am sitting here with my jaw open.  to the floor. 

    i think you need to get a grip, not the OP.

     

    marriage: betting someone half of your sh!t that you will love them forever...
  • and to the OP - i think amoung all of the really sh!tty responses, you have received some helpful feedack (suebear and ECB, off the top of my head).

    i think it's normal that you are upset over those events.  i would be too - and not b/c i am a pretty princess, but b/c it hurts to know that your own parent doesn't meet your expectations, even on a day as important as your wedding.  the fact that you were left standing there when they called for the FOB dance has me feeling really bad for you.  that's not a hard thing to shake off.

    a lot of the other things you posted are no big deal, in the context of having a good relationship with someone.  but since you don't have a good realtionship with your father, i can fully understand why you feel so blue.

    i'm sorry. 

     

    marriage: betting someone half of your sh!t that you will love them forever...
  • image tabernac:
    image magsugar13:

    This was YOUR wedding not his.

    He didn't have to do anything. You have stated more then once that you can not count on him, so why did  you think this was going to be any different?

    He didnt LET you get a photographer is just a crock of crap. You are an adult and if you wanted one you would have gotten one. Again, you know how responsible he is...and you still decided it was a good idea to let him take pictures? your fault!

    He made fun of the Itinerary I had made for the events of the night, but if he would have paid attention he wouldn't have been out smoking  when they called him for the Bride and FOB dance in which I stood there fatherless about to cry when they announced

    Drama queen much...omg! So, you wait 10 min. and do the dance then...fatherless wow...

    I'd suggest counseling for you. your pretty princess day didn't go off exactly how you wanted it to...you know you had no dad there to take down chairs..he went out to smoke a cigarette and didnt follow your itinerary...i dont know how youll get over this devestation!

     

    this is such a crazy-biotchy response that i am sitting here with my jaw open.  to the floor. 

    i think you need to get a grip, not the OP.

     

    omg thank you so much....i feel so much better now, thanks for coming. ill sleep better tonight knowing i got my title back....whew im so glad you came here and posted that.

     



  • Maybe you just need to focus on what you have instead of what you don't. Your dad sucks. Realize it and move on. Quit re-living your wedding day. Its over and done with, you can't change it, you shouldn't harbor resentment over it.

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