Trouble in Paradise
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Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.

2

Re: Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.

  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image TristaGoode:
    image pedantic_wench:

    What do you mean that you were a horrible person before marriage? And what about marriage made you change for the better?

    What kind of weight gain are we talking about here?

    You need individual therapy to address your self-esteem issues. You ooze self-hate and that's dangerous.

    I also need to know how he approached the "I'm not attracted to you physically" talk.

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

    I have gained about 60 lbs. In the 3 years we have been together.

    Trust me I have thought about a personal therapist but with all the medical issues I am dealing with I have no time to deal with it.

    He didn't approach it in a mean or nasty way. Simply that he wasn't physically attracted to  me anymore because I let myself go. It is the constant jabs that he makes at me. Like he wants to be able to go hiking and biking and blah blah blah. I still do all these things with him. It's just not good enough because when I do them I complain afterward (my legs were sore from the bike ride we took, I got dizzy and nauseous after trying to run for the first time.) He also gets upset because I quit diet programs. I quit because I am STARVING all day long. When I am hungry I get headaches and really crabby. I'm not really sure what to do I guess.



    First and foremostly a full medical checkup for you. You mentioned the headaches and crabbiness --- you are probably hypoglycemic.  That needs a doc's attention..

    You were drinking and drugging? How much of it wre you doing? Was it enough to merit AA and possibly rehab?  Were you attending AA? Are you still attending if you did?  We need more backstory on that.

    Okay, so he wasn't a jerk when he told you; he gave you the facts.

    I second the therapy that everybody has suggested -- and I don't know waht you want to do about your H.  This will have to be for you to decide.

    For now to help build your self esteem: I suggest a makeover and a haircut.  You can also look into a healthy way to lose weight; try Weight Watchers. They also have an online "division" if you're not a rah rah meeting type.

    Wishing you luck. Let us know what happens.

     

    I just had a full panel done. They did find a blood disorder and 5 ulcers but didn't mention anything like that.

     I drank a lot, everyday, but mostly binge drinking. I would drink until I got sick and then drink more at least 3 times a week. Drugs were harder, a lot of coke, E and basically whatever I could snort up my nose. I would say that I probably needed some help, but somehow I managed to get out alive.

     I thought a makeover would be great but then I thought there is nothing that is going to make me look better if I am still fat. 

  • Being fat doesn't automatically equal being unattractive.

    Do you think Adele is ugly? How about Queen Latifah?

    I think you're stuck on the fat part of it because your H is a douche.

    image
  • image TristaGoode:
    image TarponMonoxide:
    image TristaGoode:
    image pedantic_wench:

    What do you mean that you were a horrible person before marriage? And what about marriage made you change for the better?

    What kind of weight gain are we talking about here?

    You need individual therapy to address your self-esteem issues. You ooze self-hate and that's dangerous.

    I also need to know how he approached the "I'm not attracted to you physically" talk.

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

    I have gained about 60 lbs. In the 3 years we have been together.

    Trust me I have thought about a personal therapist but with all the medical issues I am dealing with I have no time to deal with it.

    He didn't approach it in a mean or nasty way. Simply that he wasn't physically attracted to  me anymore because I let myself go. It is the constant jabs that he makes at me. Like he wants to be able to go hiking and biking and blah blah blah. I still do all these things with him. It's just not good enough because when I do them I complain afterward (my legs were sore from the bike ride we took, I got dizzy and nauseous after trying to run for the first time.) He also gets upset because I quit diet programs. I quit because I am STARVING all day long. When I am hungry I get headaches and really crabby. I'm not really sure what to do I guess.



    First and foremostly a full medical checkup for you. You mentioned the headaches and crabbiness --- you are probably hypoglycemic.  That needs a doc's attention..

    You were drinking and drugging? How much of it wre you doing? Was it enough to merit AA and possibly rehab?  Were you attending AA? Are you still attending if you did?  We need more backstory on that.

    Okay, so he wasn't a jerk when he told you; he gave you the facts.

    I second the therapy that everybody has suggested -- and I don't know waht you want to do about your H.  This will have to be for you to decide.

    For now to help build your self esteem: I suggest a makeover and a haircut.  You can also look into a healthy way to lose weight; try Weight Watchers. They also have an online "division" if you're not a rah rah meeting type.

    Wishing you luck. Let us know what happens.

     

    I just had a full panel done. They did find a blood disorder and 5 ulcers but didn't mention anything like that.

     I drank a lot, everyday, but mostly binge drinking. I would drink until I got sick and then drink more at least 3 times a week. Drugs were harder, a lot of coke, E and basically whatever I could snort up my nose. I would say that I probably needed some help, but somehow I managed to get out alive.

     I thought a makeover would be great but then I thought there is nothing that is going to make me look better if I am still fat. 

    Dood, do it! There are plenty of beautiful plus-sized women out there.

    Melissa McCarthy is the first one who comes to mind for me.

  • image pedantic_wench:

    You know, he really does sound super shallow.

    So, her didn't care about any of this while he was dating you:

    image TristaGoode:

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

     

    But, I guess you were hot enough that all of that didn't matter.

    And I mean this as a slight against him, not you.

     

    He didn't know me when I was horrible. 

  • Regarding losing weight...I highly recommend Weight Watchers and going to the meetings.  If you get a good leader (and keep going to different meetings until you find one that works for you), they touch on the emotional aspects of weight gain/eating and help you to feel better about yourself inside.  It will help to boost your self esteem and weight loss.  You won't be starving either!

    Make an effort to do your hair, make-up and nice clothes for YOURSELF, not your husband or anyone else.  I always feel more confident when I put effort into how I look.  I'm not saying go crazy with make-up, but enough to make you feel put together and polished.  Being overweight doesn't mean that you have to look like a shlump.  Most men (and women) are attracted to confidence.

    I'm saying this as a person who lacks confidence in myself, but I do know that the things I mentioned above do help me feel better about myself and people can tell when I follow my own advice.  You have to do these things for yourself first, not others. 

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    image TristaGoode:
    image doglove:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

    Seriously. How can he treat you like a princess, when he's treating you so poorly in this regard? I highly suspect that if he treats you poorly in this situation that same treatment appears elsewhere in your relationship.

     

    I would think the same thing if I were looking in from the outside, but honestly, this is the only issue we have really had. This is the thing we fight about over and over. Nothing else is wrong with us. He even told me last night that he feels like the biggest ahole and he wouldn't blame me for wanting to leave. He said he doesn't want me to go he can't picture life without me, but he just can't shake this issue and he hates himself for it.  

     

    Wait a minute.  This isn't the first time he has told you that you're unattractive and un-f*ckable?

     

    It's the first time he has told me I am unattractive to him. He has made comments on weight quite a bit though.  

  • Look, regardless of what's going on in your marriage, you have major self-esteem issues. You need to make time for some therapy.
  • Making mistakes in the past doesn't mean you are a horrible person. I really think you should seek individual counseling to figure out why these decisions in the past are still haunting you today. I've done some things I'm not proud of, but the reality is that I was in a pretty crappy place in my life when they happened and I can't take it back now. I have learned from them and I'm not sure I would be where I am now had I not gone through certain situations. I don't love myself any less for the decisions I made in the past because they are a part of me.

    Something about the way you speak of yourself and your husband sounds very disjointed and not integrated to me.

  • Depression has a physical aspect to it - it's not all emotional.  I gained a lot of weight when I was with my XH (something like 40-50 pounds).  I went to the gym, I kept a food journal, and I would lose a little bit, but that would be it.  It wasn't until I got myself emotionally healthy that the weight started to come off faster (well, more still needs to come off, but I've maintained the weight loss for about 2 years now).

    I think you need to see a counselor so you can work on this internal struggle with your self-esteem.  In the meantime, fake-it-till-you-make-it.  If you don't make an effort on yourself, then you're going to feel lousy about yourself.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

    Once you get on the road to working on yourself (with the counselor's help), turn the focus on your relationship with your H.  I think your low self-esteem has made you place him on a pedestal and blame yourself for not being good enough, and , well, he seems to be helping this narrative along.  You need to realize that this is crap.  The past is the past, what matters is the here and now.  Maybe once you build your self-esteem back up, you'll realize that healthy-you thinks your H is kind of a douchebag.  Or, maybe he's not a douchebag but he needs some major work in the empathy and communication department.

    Regardless, the first step here is to work on you and the depression/self-esteem.  You'll figure out the rest as you start to get healthier.

    This is my siggy.
  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    Bah.  Someone who actually gives a damn about you will be worried that you're depressed, not disgusted that you don't look a particular way for him.  In other words, if he's a decent guy, the change in your appearance is about you and what's going on inside you.  If he's a jerk, it's about him and what he's entitled to see and f*ck.

    Bingo.

  • So...

    you've got some major health issues (which may or may not contribute to situational depression).  You're slut-shaming yourself and now involved in religion that may or may not be adding to that.  You think you're unattractive because of an internalized view that heavy = unattractive-- so you've given up trying.  You don't have the time/inclinations or the energy to take care of your own needs (including but not limited to mental health needs)

     

    Yeah, the issue w/ your husband is the jackhole (possibly) icing on the depression cake.

    CALL A THERAPIST. 

  • It really bothers me when women (and men) who are overweight automatically think it means that they aren't attractive and shouldn't even put in any effort in regard to their outward appearance because they think it won't make a difference.

    Even though I lack in self esteem, I know that I'm attractive even though I'm overweight.  I accentuate my postitives (my hair, eyes, chest and hands) and play down my negatives.  Thin people do the same things...no one is perfect!  I know thin women with killer bodies who dislike how they look.  I used to be critical of them because they had what I wanted (to be thin), but realized that physical appearance is only a small part of how a person truly feels about themself. 

    PitaPata Dog tickers
  • I agree with most everything that everyone else has said. And if you gain anything from this, realize overweight does not mean unnattractive. I am not skinny by any means, and I personally am trying to get healthier, but not to attain some ideal weight, just to be healthy. I like my curves, I am sexy, and I know others see me as such. I used to have the worst self esteem, but then I found different things I had a passion for, writing, reading, school, and now as I am fulfilling my intellectual desires, my physical side seems to be coming for the ride. I truly do hope you find that for yourself.
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  • image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    Wait a minute.  This isn't the first time he has told you that you're unattractive and un-f*ckable?

     

    It's the first time he has told me I am unattractive to him. He has made comments on weight quite a bit though.  

     

    So in other words, since the incessant comments on your weight weren't getting the point across, he felt the need to spell out how unattractive he finds you.

    I can see why your first thought was divorce.

    image
  • You have every right to consider divorce.  Your husband didn't come to you out of health concerns for your weight gain.  He belittled you and told you how disgusting you were.  He has made degrading remarks about your weight.  This is not a man who treats someone like a princess.  This is a man who is a bully.

    I have read that you have some medical issues and they have probably contributed to your weight gain along with depo, depression and low self esteem.  Did your husband omit the "in sickness and in health" part from his wedding vows?  If he didn't, he's being a horrible unsupportive, verbally abusive jerk.(either way he's being one)  

    I bet dollars to donuts you are very beautiful.  You have let his abuse make you think you are not.  They are so many women in this world who are beautiful without being thin.  What is inside of you is what makes you beautiful.  You do not deserve this at all.  I suggest getting into individual counseling to build up your self esteem and start planning to get away from this guy for good.

    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt10046c.aspx[/img][/url]
  • image GBCK:

    So...

    you've got some major health issues (which may or may not contribute to situational depression).  You're slut-shaming yourself and now involved in religion that may or may not be adding to that.  You think you're unattractive because of an internalized view that heavy = unattractive-- so you've given up trying.  You don't have the time/inclinations or the energy to take care of your own needs (including but not limited to mental health needs)

     

    Yeah, the issue w/ your husband is the jackhole (possibly) icing on the depression cake.

    CALL A THERAPIST. 

    All of this, plus everything Kuus is saying.

    One other thing.  If you did a LOT of E, that can screw up the serotonin levels in your brain for quite some time.  It can take years for them to return to pre-drug levels in your brain.  That could be contributing to everything else you're dealing with.  You sound depressed and very down on yourself.  I'm wondering how much can be attributed to the long-term after-effects of drug use.

    It's important for your overall health that you find a qualified therapist and begin working on your issues.  Getting yourself mentally healthy is often a part of getting yourself physically healthy.

  • I don't know if you should make decisions about your marriage just yet.  At the very least, your husband needs to work on his delivery.  I do know that your relationship seems to have a lot to do with physical appearance.  You really need to find time for a counselor.  Your mental health is at stake here.  It is an hour a week that could potentially change your life for the better.  YOU NEED COUNSELING NOW!
  • What bothers me the most about this thread is that your husband has made snide comments in the past about your weight and you don't say if you've responded to them. Did you comment yourself about it? If you just took it silently, than you need to learn to stand up for yourself. I agree with the others who say you should look into counseling. Yes, I understand medically you're overwhelmed, but your mental health is important and you need to try and right yourself. Your H sounds like someone who isn't treating you like a princess, but someone who is shallow about appearances and trying to hide it with gifts. Until you can feel good about yourself, your H is just going to make things worse for you with these comments.

    MH is overweight, and he actually gained about 20 pounds this past year, I find him just as attractive as I did when we first met. Sure, I worry that he's to heavy and how it could effect his health, but all I can do is try and make it easier for him to eat better at home and asking him to walk with me and the baby. Likewise, I haven't lost all my baby weight yet either. I'm usually so tired that it's pony tails and comfortable clothes around the house, and MH still thinks I'm attractive. Because he loves me.

    My best friend is also overweight, and she's one of the most gorgeous people I know.  I really think you need to talk to someone who can help you. When you're depressed it can really affect how you look as well. I really hope things get better for you, and please take the advice you've gotten and think it all over.

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  • Honestly, it sounds like it's more about just the weight to me. 

    You used to be fun and enjoy hiking, etc.  Now you go but complain for the next couple of hours /days b/c you are in so much pain.  And you gained 60 pounds from birth control?  I don't know one doctor who would tell a patient that it is ok to gain 60 lbs from their choice of birth control.  50 lbs overweight = obese and brings with it chronic health problems.  You can't tell me that your doc gave the ok for you to gain 60 lbs because Depo was the best available birth control.

    Also you felt you were disgusting on the inside so you didn't take care of your looks, clothes, hair.  I'm sure you have been a JOY to be around during this time!  You don't get extra bonus points for showering regularly.  That's a given.  Plenty of people love God and are good people, and still manage to dress nicely. 

    You are making your H to be a bad guy / the bully, when you sound like you are really f*cked up.  I'm sure your outside is just a reflection on how messed up you are on the inside.  No, your dh is not required to still be attracted to you after 60 lbs, complainting about any physical activity, no care for your slovenly appearance, and "feeling bad on the inside so fvck the outside" attitude years later. 

    You might be more attractive if you stop using any possible excuse to take responsibility for your own actions.  I'm not sure why H has to pay for your sudden need to atone for your pre-marital sins.  Are you sure you haven't been purposefully trying to "drive him away" with your new life choices? 

    And I'm in no way saying fat = unloveable.  DH and I have both gained weight ourselves, but your post reads as if there is A LOT more going on to turn your H off. 

  • I agree with SueBear completely.

    I don't get the hand-holding with the OP. 

    promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am
  • image ridesbuttons:

    I agree with SueBear completely.

    I don't get the hand-holding with the OP. 

    God yes. I know TIP seems to automatically head towards "he's a douche" but seriously.  She goes hiking and then complains about how it makes her legs hurt?  Would you really want to go hiking with someone like that?  She sounds like kind of a PITA.  Also, this whole "not doing anything on the outside because it doesn't matter" thing is confusing to me.  I would be put off it I was him too.

    Also, I'm assuming you guys started dating and married your husbands because you found them physically attractive.  Sooooo I don't know why it's suddenly such a horrible thing for him to be thrown for a loop when his wife makes a total 180 on damn near everything and then uses the "It's for Jesus" reasoning for it.

    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • Started dating, sure.  But did I marry him for the way he looked?  Of course not.
    image
  • image SueBear:

    Honestly, it sounds like it's more about just the weight to me. 

    You used to be fun and enjoy hiking, etc.  Now you go but complain for the next couple of hours /days b/c you are in so much pain.  And you gained 60 pounds from birth control?  I don't know one doctor who would tell a patient that it is ok to gain 60 lbs from their choice of birth control.  50 lbs overweight = obese and brings with it chronic health problems.  You can't tell me that your doc gave the ok for you to gain 60 lbs because Depo was the best available birth control.

    Also you felt you were disgusting on the inside so you didn't take care of your looks, clothes, hair.  I'm sure you have been a JOY to be around during this time!  You don't get extra bonus points for showering regularly.  That's a given.  Plenty of people love God and are good people, and still manage to dress nicely. 

    You are making your H to be a bad guy / the bully, when you sound like you are really f*cked up.  I'm sure your outside is just a reflection on how messed up you are on the inside.  No, your dh is not required to still be attracted to you after 60 lbs, complainting about any physical activity, no care for your slovenly appearance, and "feeling bad on the inside so fvck the outside" attitude years later. 

    You might be more attractive if you stop using any possible excuse to take responsibility for your own actions.  I'm not sure why H has to pay for your sudden need to atone for your pre-marital sins.  Are you sure you haven't been purposefully trying to "drive him away" with your new life choices? 

    And I'm in no way saying fat = unloveable.  DH and I have both gained weight ourselves, but your post reads as if there is A LOT more going on to turn your H off. 

     

    Let me start by saying I enjoyed hiking but never felt good doing it. Even when I was thin. My husband, stepsons and I went on a bike ride the whole way home was uphill, I said my legs hurt when we got home. They all said how bad they hurt then they laid on the couch for an hour (husband included) while I finished unpacking and cleaned. I never enjoyed running but thought I would give couch to 5k a try, he did it with me because he encourages me to do stuff like that. The while time he was mocking me by running backwards and making jokes about how I am so out of shape, does that sound like an enjoyable experience to you?

    I never said it was all from my birth control, but it is known to happen because it is known to trick your body into thinking it is pregnant. I have had periods so bad that one time I passed out in Subway hit my head on a bench and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I would say that depo is a bit safer than that.

    I may not be taking care of my appearance but I also work a full work week followed by my photography business on the weekends, as well as taking care of my husband and stepsons. I make them a nice dinner every night pack lunches and clean up after them. I may not wake up at 5 am with my husband but I make sure he knows that he is very loved and appreciated. I never even think I said anything about God being why I don't take care of my appearance. I did however say that I feel ugly on the inside and when you are ugly on the inside there is no amount of makeup that can fix that.

     I never made my husband out to be a bully. I have over and over said that he treats me very well other than this issue. I have also said that I can't be mad at him for telling me his feelings. It's not like he is making up something and making me feel bad. I do believe that this is something that should have came out before we got married in September when I was the same weight as I am now.

     I know I have issues and I have never denied it and I have never made excuses for them, but your entire post was based off of bits and pieces you have read. 

  • Stepsons?  As in, he was married before?  Why did that relationship end?
    image
  • You're 20, right?
    promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am
  • image NuggetBrain:
    image ridesbuttons:

    I agree with SueBear completely.

    I don't get the hand-holding with the OP. 

    God yes. I know TIP seems to automatically head towards "he's a douche" but seriously.  She goes hiking and then complains about how it makes her legs hurt?  Would you really want to go hiking with someone like that?  She sounds like kind of a PITA.  Also, this whole "not doing anything on the outside because it doesn't matter" thing is confusing to me.  I would be put off it I was him too.

    Also, I'm assuming you guys started dating and married your husbands because you found them physically attractive.  Sooooo I don't know why it's suddenly such a horrible thing for him to be thrown for a loop when his wife makes a total 180 on damn near everything and then uses the "It's for Jesus" reasoning for it.

     

    I have no clue what OP or PITA mean.

    I do "complain" but it's not enjoyable for me to do things to get healthy and need to stop and take quick breaks just to be mocked for it. It also makes me not want to do it at all, which kind of defeats his purpose.

     The first time I went on a date with my husband he was drunk and not very attractive to me. He sobered up a little and started talking to me more. The next day he called to apologize for drinking so much but he was nervous because it was his first date since his marriage ended. Unfortunately, right before he called my mom called me and told me her husband had just suddenly died. When my husband called  me I was hysterical he offered to drive me to the hospital where my stepfather was then insisted when I said no. He drove me almost 2 hours away dropped me off and left. That was when I realized that he was the love of my life, and it was never about looks, it was about heart.

  • 1. If you feel ugly on the inside, you will never feel pretty on the outside, even if you are thin.  YOU NEED TO MAKE THE TIME FOR COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF.

    2. Ulcers can make you feel hungry - having food in your stomach keeps the acid at bay.  Hopefully your doctor has prescribed a medication for you to keep your stomach acid under control?

    3. I'm willing to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, because sometimes people say the right things in the wrong way.  If he didn't care about you, he'd say nothing at all.

    4. YOU NEED TO BE IN THERAPY

    image
    Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
  • image ridesbuttons:
    You're 20, right?

     

    No, I am actually 28 but I don't see where this comes in to play. 

  • It sounds like your judgment was clouded when you picked him.  I mean, you'd only been on one date with the guy, and that didn't even go well, and yet during a time of crisis you decided that he was the love of your life simply because he gave you a ride?
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Stepsons?  As in, he was married before?  Why did that relationship end?

     

    Yes I have 2 stepsons. His exwife cheated on him. 

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