Trouble in Paradise
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Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.

Yesterday my husband felt the need to tell me that he felt no sexual desire for me anymore. He feels like I have let myself go (which in all fairness, I have). 

 I was a horrible person when I was younger, but when I met my husband I changed for the better. Recently I had gotten sick and had to stay a week in the hospital, and I'm still struggling to get back to 100%. Between the medical issues and a few odd things that happened before that, I have felt the need to turn to God. I have never been a spiritual person until recently. I'm trying to work on my inside to become a great person instead of just an ok one. 

Before yesterday I felt disgusting on the inside because of decisions I had made in my past. I feel like putting on makeup, and doing my hair, and working out is a waste of time, because it's not going to help who I am on the inside.

Now because of the comment that was made by him yesterday. I feel disgusting inside and out. Now I could start putting on makeup, and playing dress up but I have gained a lot of weight since we have been together. That was his biggest complaint. He said he doesn't know when it is going to stop, and honestly, neither do I.

He hurt me to the point last night that I almost divorced him. I mean that is being a bully right? You don't tell a girl on the playground that you don't like her because she is fat. He should like me for who I am on the inside right? I mean if he doesn't like who I am on the outside and the inside isn't enough for him not to care about the outside doesn't that really just make me a failure? I'm not really sure what to do. I don't feel like a divorce is the right thing to do because he was only telling me how he felt, but how can we ever have a sex life again? He doesn't want me because of my weight and I don't want him because I feel disgusting. If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him? I'm very turned off to his attitude about this. 

Just a little over a month ago he was complaining I had no sex drive anymore, no it's back and better than ever and his is gone. I don't get it. Please help me. 

«13

Re: Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.

  • What do you mean that you were a horrible person before marriage? And what about marriage made you change for the better?

    What kind of weight gain are we talking about here?

    You need individual therapy to address your self-esteem issues. You ooze self-hate and that's dangerous.

    I also need to know how he approached the "I'm not attracted to you physically" talk.

    image
  • Therapy for both of you. Especially individual therapy for you. Your self-esteem is in the crapper and that just sucks.

    And I don't mean a religious counselor. They're fine for settling spiritual and religious matters, but your issues do not fall into either category.

     

    FTR, how much weight are we talking? Especially relative to your height. A 30 lb gain can be very different depending on your height. Has he changed at all or is he still the Adonis (that was sarcasm) that you married?

    groovylocks
  • "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

    image
  • He should love you for who you are on the inside, but sexual attraction also involves what you look like on the outside. It sounds like you're very upfront about the ways in which you've stopped paying attention to your appearance--and I'm not talking about weight at all. You say you don't want to "dress up" or put on makeup or do your hair. Based on your own description, it sounds like you're depressed and feeling like you don't want to put any effort into your appearance; you should be in counseling for this if you aren't already.

    I'm also curious about the weight gain, because you say you don't know when it's going to stop. It sounds like you feel that it's out of your control, which again points to depression in my opinion.  

    Look, your husband might be a big jerk. It's hard to tell just from your post. There's a nice way to say "honey, I'm concerned because it seems like you are depressed, and that it's affecting your appearance." And then there's, "Lose the weight because I don't want to sleep with Shamu." It sounds like he might be somewhere between these extremes.

    But you are also concerned about all these things, according to your own post. I get that you feel hurt and embarrassed, but maybe you can take this as a wake-up call to take care of yourself. And then decide if this is an isolated incident of your h trying to help you or if it's part of a pattern of disrespecting you. 

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

    And I can totally understand where Kuus is coming from, but I think it again depends on the specifics (that aren't included in the post).

    Are we talking gaining 10 pounds, putting your hair in a pony tail most days, and not wearing eyeliner? If so, yeah, he's a shallow dillhole. But if we're talking a 50 pound weight gain in 6 months, never getting out of sweatpants and hitting the showers once a week? In that case, I can see why he'd mention something.

  • Bah.  Someone who actually gives a damn about you will be worried that you're depressed, not disgusted that you don't look a particular way for him.  In other words, if he's a decent guy, the change in your appearance is about you and what's going on inside you.  If he's a jerk, it's about him and what he's entitled to see and f*ck.

    image
  • image pedantic_wench:

    What do you mean that you were a horrible person before marriage? And what about marriage made you change for the better?

    What kind of weight gain are we talking about here?

    You need individual therapy to address your self-esteem issues. You ooze self-hate and that's dangerous.

    I also need to know how he approached the "I'm not attracted to you physically" talk.

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

    I have gained about 60 lbs. In the 3 years we have been together.

    Trust me I have thought about a personal therapist but with all the medical issues I am dealing with I have no time to deal with it.

    He didn't approach it in a mean or nasty way. Simply that he wasn't physically attracted to  me anymore because I let myself go. It is the constant jabs that he makes at me. Like he wants to be able to go hiking and biking and blah blah blah. I still do all these things with him. It's just not good enough because when I do them I complain afterward (my legs were sore from the bike ride we took, I got dizzy and nauseous after trying to run for the first time.) He also gets upset because I quit diet programs. I quit because I am STARVING all day long. When I am hungry I get headaches and really crabby. I'm not really sure what to do I guess.

  • Ditto the others on the personal counseling with a secular party. I would actually recommend two counselors for you. One for the spiritual side and one for the secular, self-esteem side.

    To tap into your spiritual awakening: Christ did say to treat your body like a temple. So maintaining your physical appearance is as much of a big deal as maintaining your inner spiritual world. Honor your faith by being healthy. I know you are on fire for God, but you don't want to meet him early!

    It depends (in my opinion) how your husband approached the conversation. If he was an arse about it and hurt your feelings (which is what it sounds like) then no bueno. However, if he told you with love that he feels that he is no longer physically attracted to you (which I would imagine would be really hard to have that conversation with your spouse). Then, I think that you should take notice of his feelings. 

    Also, he didn't say he didn't LOVE you. He said he's having a hard time wanting to take you to bed. He may have been bungling with his communication, but at least he is telling you the truth. 

    I'm not saying you have to be a workout queen, but joining the gym might make you feel better about yourself too. 

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  • image srs5624:

    Therapy for both of you. Especially individual therapy for you. Your self-esteem is in the crapper and that just sucks.

    And I don't mean a religious counselor. They're fine for settling spiritual and religious matters, but your issues do not fall into either category.

     

    FTR, how much weight are we talking? Especially relative to your height. A 30 lb gain can be very different depending on your height. Has he changed at all or is he still the Adonis (that was sarcasm) that you married?

     

    I have gained 60 in 3 years I am 5'3. I am at 179. The thing is that I started depo and stopped smoking right before I met him. The biggest problem is that he hasn't gained any weight, he looks as great as he always has.

  • image TristaGoode:
    image srs5624:

    Therapy for both of you. Especially individual therapy for you. Your self-esteem is in the crapper and that just sucks.

    And I don't mean a religious counselor. They're fine for settling spiritual and religious matters, but your issues do not fall into either category.

     

    FTR, how much weight are we talking? Especially relative to your height. A 30 lb gain can be very different depending on your height. Has he changed at all or is he still the Adonis (that was sarcasm) that you married?

     

    I have gained 60 in 3 years I am 5'3. I am at 179. The thing is that I started depo and stopped smoking right before I met him. The biggest problem is that he hasn't gained any weight, he looks as great as he always has.

     

    You didn't "let yourself go", whatever that means - you started using a contraceptive that is KNOWN for its side effect of massive weight gain!  FFS.

    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

     

    That is how I feel, but he has so much love to give me. This is the only issue we have. Other than this he treats me like a princess. He'd give me the world if he could. That makes it even more confusing.

     

  • image TristaGoode:

    I have gained 60 in 3 years I am 5'3. I am at 179. The thing is that I started depo and stopped smoking right before I met him. The biggest problem is that he hasn't gained any weight, he looks as great as he always has.

    Seems like there is a very unhealthy emphasis on looks and weight in your relationship. I can relate as I gained 55+ pounds when I was with an ex-BF, who was very cruel about my appearance when I didn't "look good" to him anymore. I think you need to get yourself into individual counseling to figure out why you feel so badly about yourself and your decisions in the past. Healing yourself from the inside and learning to take care of yourself will eventually lead you to wanting to take care of yourself in all other aspects of your life - including your health.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    image TristaGoode:
    image srs5624:

    Therapy for both of you. Especially individual therapy for you. Your self-esteem is in the crapper and that just sucks.

    And I don't mean a religious counselor. They're fine for settling spiritual and religious matters, but your issues do not fall into either category.

     

    FTR, how much weight are we talking? Especially relative to your height. A 30 lb gain can be very different depending on your height. Has he changed at all or is he still the Adonis (that was sarcasm) that you married?

     

    I have gained 60 in 3 years I am 5'3. I am at 179. The thing is that I started depo and stopped smoking right before I met him. The biggest problem is that he hasn't gained any weight, he looks as great as he always has.

     

    You didn't "let yourself go", whatever that means - you started using a contraceptive that is KNOWN for its side effect of massive weight gain!  FFS.

     

    I know that one of the side effects is weight gain, but it's the only thing that  works for what I use it for. Before depo I would have awful periods that would make me throw up and pass out. They were horrible and I always thought gaining some weight was better than what I was going through. 

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    Bah.  Someone who actually gives a damn about you will be worried that you're depressed, not disgusted that you don't look a particular way for him.  In other words, if he's a decent guy, the change in your appearance is about you and what's going on inside you.  If he's a jerk, it's about him and what he's entitled to see and f*ck.

    You are so right.

    image
  • image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

     

    That is how I feel, but he has so much love to give me. This is the only issue we have. Other than this he treats me like a princess. He'd give me the world if he could. That makes it even more confusing.

     

     

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

    image
  • image smock.smock:

    He should love you for who you are on the inside, but sexual attraction also involves what you look like on the outside. It sounds like you're very upfront about the ways in which you've stopped paying attention to your appearance--and I'm not talking about weight at all. You say you don't want to "dress up" or put on makeup or do your hair. Based on your own description, it sounds like you're depressed and feeling like you don't want to put any effort into your appearance; you should be in counseling for this if you aren't already.

    I'm also curious about the weight gain, because you say you don't know when it's going to stop. It sounds like you feel that it's out of your control, which again points to depression in my opinion.  

    Look, your husband might be a big jerk. It's hard to tell just from your post. There's a nice way to say "honey, I'm concerned because it seems like you are depressed, and that it's affecting your appearance." And then there's, "Lose the weight because I don't want to sleep with Shamu." It sounds like he might be somewhere between these extremes.

    But you are also concerned about all these things, according to your own post. I get that you feel hurt and embarrassed, but maybe you can take this as a wake-up call to take care of yourself. And then decide if this is an isolated incident of your h trying to help you or if it's part of a pattern of disrespecting you. 

     

    I agree, I have just tried so many things to lose the weight and nothing works and I'm always hungry. I just feel like I keep trying things and failing, it's hard to want to try anymore. 

  • image TristaGoode:
    I know that one of the side effects is weight gain, but it's the only thing that  works for what I use it for. Before depo I would have awful periods that would make me throw up and pass out. They were horrible and I always thought gaining some weight was better than what I was going through. 

    There are plenty of other methods of BC that help with horrible periods. Depo isn't your only available option?

  • image smock.smock:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

    And I can totally understand where Kuus is coming from, but I think it again depends on the specifics (that aren't included in the post).

    Are we talking gaining 10 pounds, putting your hair in a pony tail most days, and not wearing eyeliner? If so, yeah, he's a shallow dillhole. But if we're talking a 50 pound weight gain in 6 months, never getting out of sweatpants and hitting the showers once a week? In that case, I can see why he'd mention something.

    It's a lot of weight over 3 years. It's ponytails and no makeup most of the time. Showers are basically and everyday routine here.  

  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

    Seriously. How can he treat you like a princess, when he's treating you so poorly in this regard? I highly suspect that if he treats you poorly in this situation that same treatment appears elsewhere in your relationship.

  • image TristaGoode:
    image pedantic_wench:

    What do you mean that you were a horrible person before marriage? And what about marriage made you change for the better?

    What kind of weight gain are we talking about here?

    You need individual therapy to address your self-esteem issues. You ooze self-hate and that's dangerous.

    I also need to know how he approached the "I'm not attracted to you physically" talk.

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

    I have gained about 60 lbs. In the 3 years we have been together.

    Trust me I have thought about a personal therapist but with all the medical issues I am dealing with I have no time to deal with it.

    He didn't approach it in a mean or nasty way. Simply that he wasn't physically attracted to  me anymore because I let myself go. It is the constant jabs that he makes at me. Like he wants to be able to go hiking and biking and blah blah blah. I still do all these things with him. It's just not good enough because when I do them I complain afterward (my legs were sore from the bike ride we took, I got dizzy and nauseous after trying to run for the first time.) He also gets upset because I quit diet programs. I quit because I am STARVING all day long. When I am hungry I get headaches and really crabby. I'm not really sure what to do I guess.



    First and foremostly a full medical checkup for you. You mentioned the headaches and crabbiness --- you are probably hypoglycemic.  That needs a doc's attention..

    You were drinking and drugging? How much of it wre you doing? Was it enough to merit AA and possibly rehab?  Were you attending AA? Are you still attending if you did?  We need more backstory on that.

    Okay, so he wasn't a jerk when he told you; he gave you the facts.

    I second the therapy that everybody has suggested -- and I don't know waht you want to do about your H.  This will have to be for you to decide.

    For now to help build your self esteem: I suggest a makeover and a haircut.  You can also look into a healthy way to lose weight; try Weight Watchers. They also have an online "division" if you're not a rah rah meeting type.

    Wishing you luck. Let us know what happens.

  • You know, he really does sound super shallow.

    So, her didn't care about any of this while he was dating you:

    image TristaGoode:

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

     

    But, I guess you were hot enough that all of that didn't matter.

    And I mean this as a slight against him, not you.

    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

     

    That is how I feel, but he has so much love to give me. This is the only issue we have. Other than this he treats me like a princess. He'd give me the world if he could. That makes it even more confusing.

     

     

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

     

    I know that sounds weird, but yes. He texts me every morning to make sure I made it to work, he gets me flowers all the time, he sends me texts with bits of love songs he recorded off the radio, he does a lot of the household chores, he tells me he loves me all the time, he is a hard worker, and I know he would die for me. It killed him last night when I told him I thought I wanted a divorce. He said he didn't blame me and even if we did end he's keep me on his insurance because he knows I have a lot of issues with my health right now. He isn't a horrible man he just said a horrible thing that was on his mind.

  • "He isn't a horrible man he just said a horrible thing that was on his mind."

    He's not a horrible man - he just thinks and says horrible things.

    If I recommend a book to you, will you read it?  It's not about relationships exactly, or really at all.  But I think you'd find it to be interesting:

    The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

    image
  • image doglove:

    image TristaGoode:
    I know that one of the side effects is weight gain, but it's the only thing that  works for what I use it for. Before depo I would have awful periods that would make me throw up and pass out. They were horrible and I always thought gaining some weight was better than what I was going through. 

    There are plenty of other methods of BC that help with horrible periods. Depo isn't your only available option?

    This is the one the doctor recommended the most for me because it stops my period completely. 

  • image TristaGoode:

    I know that sounds weird, but yes. He texts me every morning to make sure I made it to work, he gets me flowers all the time, he sends me texts with bits of love songs he recorded off the radio, he does a lot of the household chores, he tells me he loves me all the time, he is a hard worker, and I know he would die for me.

    Buying you things, doing chores and sending text messages means nothing if he doesn't treat you with love, compassion and respect.

  • image doglove:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

    Seriously. How can he treat you like a princess, when he's treating you so poorly in this regard? I highly suspect that if he treats you poorly in this situation that same treatment appears elsewhere in your relationship.

     

    I would think the same thing if I were looking in from the outside, but honestly, this is the only issue we have really had. This is the thing we fight about over and over. Nothing else is wrong with us. He even told me last night that he feels like the biggest ahole and he wouldn't blame me for wanting to leave. He said he doesn't want me to go he can't picture life without me, but he just can't shake this issue and he hates himself for it.  

  • image TristaGoode:
    image doglove:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

    Seriously. How can he treat you like a princess, when he's treating you so poorly in this regard? I highly suspect that if he treats you poorly in this situation that same treatment appears elsewhere in your relationship.

     

    I would think the same thing if I were looking in from the outside, but honestly, this is the only issue we have really had. This is the thing we fight about over and over. Nothing else is wrong with us. He even told me last night that he feels like the biggest ahole and he wouldn't blame me for wanting to leave. He said he doesn't want me to go he can't picture life without me, but he just can't shake this issue and he hates himself for it.  

     

    Wait a minute.  This isn't the first time he has told you that you're unattractive and un-f*ckable?

    image
  • Other things can stop your period completely.

    IUDs may, you can take 'the pill' w/o taking the sugar pill, etc.

    This:

    Trust me I have thought about a personal therapist but with all the medical issues I am dealing with I have no time to deal with it.

    Is something to deal with.

    This is not "oh, I haven't had time to get my hair cut, I'm just ignoring that it needs a cut", this is "Oh, I know my mental health is failing, i'm just ignoring it until it gets to big to ignore"  This is your HEALTH, it's not something you 'don't have time for'--Mental health isn't something to dink around with.  Get thee to a therapist.  if either of you have an EAP through work, call them today.

    Sine other people have addressed the beauty myth/nice guys don't say horrible things, I'll look at the opposite angle for a minute...Your 'letting yourself go' coincides with your spirtual conversion, right?

    I wonder how much of your 'letting yourself go' = a suck into fundie-world where you are condemning anything 'vain'.  Because there's modesty/avoiding being shallow and there's 'anything I enjoy that is not spirtual and deep is frivolity and fun that must be condemned, zomgs'

     

     

  • image TristaGoode:
    image srs5624:

    Therapy for both of you. Especially individual therapy for you. Your self-esteem is in the crapper and that just sucks.

    And I don't mean a religious counselor. They're fine for settling spiritual and religious matters, but your issues do not fall into either category.

     

    FTR, how much weight are we talking? Especially relative to your height. A 30 lb gain can be very different depending on your height. Has he changed at all or is he still the Adonis (that was sarcasm) that you married?

    I have gained 60 in 3 years I am 5'3. I am at 179. The thing is that I started depo and stopped smoking right before I met him. The biggest problem is that he hasn't gained any weight, he looks as great as he always has.

    Ouch. That'll definitely have a major effect on your weight. It's almost inevitable with depo. That's like the #1 side effect.

    Definitely talk to a specialist. There are a ton of BC options available. Depo is not the only available option for hell-on-Earth periods and it certainly isn't the only one that will stop a period completely. If your current gyn is not open to other options, seek out a second (or third or fourth) opinion.

    Request a glucose tolerance test from your PCP. It sounds like you're hypoglycemic. That'll have an affect on your weight too, if it's not handled correctly. I'm hypoglycemic. It basically requires a constant drip of food. I have to eat every two hours or it can get ugly. Obviously eating constantly will do bad things if it's not done just right. I went so far as to see a nutritionist to help me plan things out.

  • image TristaGoode:
    image doglove:

    image TristaGoode:
    I know that one of the side effects is weight gain, but it's the only thing that  works for what I use it for. Before depo I would have awful periods that would make me throw up and pass out. They were horrible and I always thought gaining some weight was better than what I was going through. 

    There are plenty of other methods of BC that help with horrible periods. Depo isn't your only available option?

    This is the one the doctor recommended the most for me because it stops my period completely. 

    And did you go back to that doctor and let him know that this BC is  causing you to gain a lot of weight which is effecting other espects of your life (going for a walk is difficult, sex ect)? and he didn't give you another recommendation?

    BabyFruit Ticker
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