Trouble in Paradise
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when did you give up?

Hi. When did you decide to give up on your marriage? Did you do marriage counseling? Can marriage therapy really make a marriage better? Please tell me your experience.

Re: when did you give up?

  • When I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't do marriage counseling, I didn't see the point especially as when I floated the idea he pooh pooh'd it. By the time he agreed to go, I was over it. I don't want to be a last ditch effort.


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  • don't give up! u probably dont want to listen to me since i just got married.... but remember when it was good? dont you want to get it back to that? what methods have you tried? im a bible reader- so i can give you some advice from that angle if you want ? but not everyone is into the bible so i dont want to irritate you with it if you dont want to hear it ?
  • How can you tell her not to give up when you don't know her situation at all. I'm a bible reader too and sometimes it's just not gonna work.

    OP - I'm in a marriage that isn't working. We're trying, but I don't know if it will work. I've been questioning when enough is enough too. Everyone says you'll know when you know.

    Everyone is different and everyone's marriage is different. If I do walk away, I want to know that I did everything I could do. I understand though what HS is saying, not wanting to be a last ditch effort. 

  • Marriage is really hard. Anyone else agree?

     

  • Marriage takes work, but it shouldn't be that hard. Care to share the issues you and your H are having?

    The thing is, if you think it is over, or if you have to ask, it usually is.

  • image sunshine1234:

    Marriage is really hard. Anyone else agree?

     

    I don't believe marriage should be hard. At minimum, the majority of your difficulties should be from outside forces, not internal ones. Obviously marriage is going to be hard when dealing with special needs children, elderly parents, financial troubles beyond your control, or other things. But self inflicted shiit shouldn't happen, kwim?

    And Calle, I think there is a difference between trying everything you can only to have your spouse make a bare bones effort once they realize you're serious and not trying everything you can. Maybe this will sound defensive but I did do what I would. I didn't just wake up and say screw this shiit.



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  • We have been married for 5 years..in and out of marriage therapy...when we really worked on our marriage it was a lot better. two small kids...we both have anxiety that come out in different ways...
  • I'm on my phone now, so sorry in advanced if formatting is weird.

    HS - I didn't mean to imply that some people try their hardest and some don't. I guess that's how it came across. I know exactly what you mean. I think some people, myself included if I'm being honest, feel they have to go to therapy so they can say "they gave it their all" when they know good and well that counseling won't make a difference because you're already done. I know mags has said plenty of times that's what happened with her and her ex. I know you didn't just wake up one day and change your mind about being married, but theirs only so much a person can and should take, I get it. I'm pretty sure I'm coming to that point myself.

    OP - I agree with PP, marriage isn't supposed to be hard in and of itself. That's what some people say, but I think they are either in crappy marriages or they are confusing a hard marriage for just the work it takes to be in any relatiionship.

  • I just wish my husband was nicer to me. He is always in a bad mood and snaps at everyone.
  • image hindsight's_a_biotch:
    image sunshine1234:

    Marriage is really hard. Anyone else agree?

     

    I don't believe marriage should be hard. At minimum, the majority of your difficulties should be from outside forces, not internal ones. Obviously marriage is going to be hard when dealing with special needs children, elderly parents, financial troubles beyond your control, or other things. But self inflicted shiit shouldn't happen, kwim?

    I'm just a creepy lurker, but you have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I didn't come into this thread thinking I'd leave with any actual insight, but there it is.

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  • image sunshine1234:
    I just wish my husband was nicer to me. He is always in a bad mood and snaps at everyone.

    Was he always like this?  Even before you got married?  If not, has he seen a doctor, to rule out any physical causes for the personality change?  

    If he was always like this, I'm not surprised that your marriage is hard.  No one wants to walk around on eggshells for the rest of their life.  If you're interested in preserving the relationship, I would tell him that you want not only marriage counseling/therapy, but that he needs to find a counselor of his own, to help him learn to manage his anger.

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  • image sunshine1234:
    I just wish my husband was nicer to me. He is always in a bad mood and snaps at everyone.

    Why do you put up with this behavior?

  • My first marriage was hard. Hindsight, that's because we're both good people, but we weren't meant to work out as a couple.

    I gave up after 13 years together (the last 3 of them married) and 4 rounds of counseling over the last 9 of those. I "gave up" when I realized that what I needed in a partner was not who he was, it was who I hoped he could be. Marriage shouldn't be hard; what's hard was being in love with a person that looked like DH but didn't exist in reality.

  • Hugs ladies.. I'm in the same boat too. I feel in my gut it's over. DH is a good man but I'm not sure he's the man for me. We had babies right away and I was too young to get married. Now that the kids are older I've realized I've let him take on a more parent role than husband role. Our marriage is so parent child it sucks. I've become resentful for a lot of things I let happen. My identity was being his wife and my kids mom. F-that... Its as if I woke up and realized I was someone else. I would do counseling but we don't have insurance and I can't see spending $100 to have someone listen to our crap. We have gone to free counseling before and it was a joke. I have no choice but to stay until I finish school so at least that will give me some time decide.

    On another note, I've developed quite the "wandering eye" if you know what I mean. I wouldn't act on it but it's strange b/c I never noticed other guys before. Everyone is telling me this is just a phase and we're going through a "rough patch" but I feel it's a little more than that. I will be following this thread.

  • Marriage shouldn't be hard when you get right down to it.

    Basically, ditto what HS said.

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  • Over time, he has gotten more snippy. Am I the only one that wabts to stay married and live like roommates? I am kind at the point that Ijust cant take it anymore. He even admits that he snaps at everyone. He wont go to therapy while we are in marriage counseling...

    I dont know. I never imagined i would be married to someone who is just so nasty.

  • Just so u know, I do have my own issues that i need to work out unrelated to him. When I call him, he sometimes answers the phone with attitude for no reason. Like he says yes or what...

  • Hindsight said it really well. Life is hard, your marriage shouldn't be. 
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  • I gave up when I realized I was fighting for something I really didn't want.  I was fighting to stay married just for the sake of not getting a divorce.  That was a pretty shiitty reason.

    We did do marriage counseling, but with a huge caveat: the marriage was already over before we made it to a therapist's office.  I think marriage counseling helps, but only if you catch the problems in their early stages and only if both parties are willing to work at fixing them.  If one partner has checked out, or a dealbreaker has been introduced (infidelity, abuse, etc.), it just ain't gonna work.    

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  • When it was obvious that he didn't care about anything - even himself. He was more interested in keeping everyone in his family happy but him and me. When I realized he was not the person he said he was and never followed through on the things he claimed he was passionate about, myself included.
  • image sunshine1234:

    Just so u know, I do have my own issues that i need to work out unrelated to him. When I call him, he sometimes answers the phone with attitude for no reason. Like he says yes or what...

    Wow, this is my dad in a nutshell.  Aside from this, he is nasty in a lot of other ways too.  I've been working w/my therapist on how to "deal" with his behavior, moreso, how to release it/him from my life...

    I don't really have any advice for you...just can relate a little even though it isn't my marriage & is a different relationship.

    GL to you.

  • I always give up in relationships when we no longer can help one another. When either the other wants to do no effort, and sees no problem in it, or the behavior we do exhibit only makes it worse than it was before. I always ask myself "If what I am doing now continues, where will it take me?" If it isn't a good choice I talk to my SO about radical change, if he doesn't agree or refuses, I separate. After I am ready to leave and we both still have no progress, I make myself the bad guy and say "Sorry buddy, I just don't want to do this anymore." and I break it off. It hard and heartbreaking but if you need to make the choice you do.

    I have never been married but I do know that marriage is just a harder, more expensive relationship to get out of.

    Sunshine, marriage shouldn't be hard though, it shouldn't take every last cent, second and piece of you to make it work. It does take work, but not like this. He seems like he is reverting, which only gets worse with time unless he makes an effort to change. It so much BS that he refuses to get help while in marriage counseling. It like saying that he refuses to get home insurance because he already bought smoke detectors.


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  • For me it was a lot of help. It actually saved my marriage. I think it's worth a try because then you can tell yourself that you di everything you can to save your marriage. I think that in the majority of cases marriage counseling does work, I read about it in this article:

    Marriage counseling does it work

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