Trouble in Paradise
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Update: Four months later

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Re: Update: Four months later

  • I think some of the emails were pretty innocuous, but if my H ever tells a woman he misses her face there's an issue. I don't think OP was overreacting to that, sure she's jealous, but Saying you miss someone's face is just weird unless you're involved with that person. That's not something you say to a coworker. To a coworker you say, I cant wait to get back to work, I'm so bored at home, It's more fun at home where I have adults crying for help rather than a baby, I can't wait to get pooped on by drunk ER patients rather than a kid. Something like that. Not I miss your face. Eww.

    Anyway, I agree with counseling at least for yourself. You may not have caught him in the act literally, but you did catch him no matter how much he wants to deny it.
  • image imoan:
    I think you're both crazy... you probably are a perfect match!

    Yeah, this was pretty much what I was thinking. 

    OP, you both have issues.  Even if his XGF was some kind of maneater who wanted him, if you trusted him it wouldn't have fazed you.  But you don't, and so you place these really tight restrictions on his behavior (warranted or not).  And then I wonder why you're with him in the first place, because who wants to live like that?  I have no desire to be someone's jailer, and I have no desire to live my life under someone's thumb either.

    I don't see this working long term, sorry.  Hell, I don't see this working in the short term, even with counseling.  He's always going to be a flirt/have inappropriate relationships with other women, and you're always going to distrust him/try to control him.  

    This is my siggy.
  • From the information provided, I think her DH was inappropriate, but that telling someone you miss her does not equal an emotional affair.

    A few years ago a coworker of mine would flirt with me a bit. He frequently told me he missed me. He had a gf, who is now his wife. He changed jobs before they got married. I still meet up with him once a month or so for lunch (sometimes DH comes along, or his wife).

    Do I think he was inappropriate? Absolutlely. (And if he had been married I would have stopped it right away). Did we have an emotional affair? NO WAY, not even close.

    I am wondering if the OP is crazy jealous. She does need counseling, even if to just work on her and her DH's communication.

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm not going to make a judgment on whether your husband is a cheating scumbag or you are a jealous, paranoid hosebeast, since I can't really tell from a few posts on the internet.  Regardless of who is mostly to blame for your marital difficulties, how long are you going to give it before you call it quits?  You've been posting for months about how unhappy the two of you are, with negligible progress.  At what point do you realize this is a lost cause?

    I will say that his talking you out of going to counseling is very suspicious.  I agree with you that any decent counselor would tell a person who has cheated to be completely transparent when it comes to the cellphone.  I wouldn't be surprised if there were a link between that and your husband's refusal to go to counseling.

  • I'm sorry you are going through this. Whether jealous or not, it hurts. AT the rate marriages are falling apart, I don't understand why more women are not cautious over their relationships. Maybe this nonchalance correlates with adulteries, divorces, unhappy lives, suicide. I'm with you here. If you want to talk, email me. I'm so sorry you have to heal from this. It's not always easy but I have faith you and your marriage will heal.
  • image Nancy6306:
     

     I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around why she would text my husband with this question. I'm not going to lie. It really upset me. I felt it was inappropriate and I am one of those that believes that there should be no contact with exes. I have to question her motivation for sending this. I know deep down inside she knows this is wrong. She was insanely jealous when any female called DH (from hospital and work related).....and this was back in the day when texting wasn't a part of our everyday life. I was so upset I even thought to text back to question her intentions.

    How do you know this, were you friends before they split? What was his behavior like then? 

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • Go to a counselor. It sounds like you still regret not going and talking out the issues in a safer environment with a counselor mediating. I think you are 100% right in your feelings of mistrust and hesitation but I can also see where he may feel that his privacy and personal space is being invaded. That being said, you reap what you sow and he needs to accept the consequences of his actions and not be so put out by your mistrust.

     Also, shame on that other woman especially if she knew he was married. If she knew he was married then, in my opinion, she is just as much at fault and should have been woman enough to put a stop to whatever was going on at the very beginning. 

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