Family Matters
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Please help.

I have had problems with my fiance's family since the day we announced we were getting married. Now as we draw closer, only a month away we are doing our invites. (Yes I understand a tad late, but my mom insisted everyone would loose their invites and forget if I didn't wait til the month before.) 

 

All through planning his parents have been a pain in the butt. Whatever we had planned wasn't what they wanted. They wanted to invite everyone they have ever met. Which would be fine if they had thought to chip in even a little bit. But they won't chip in at all. This has caused a lot of strife seeing as we are having an extremely small wedding. If it wasn't for my fiance I would have eloped in Hawaii, but for my fiance and his familes sake we are having a wedding. Now we are trying to send invites, but his parents will not get us addresses. My husband works all day and I have no clue about who his family wants to invite. So we expected that since his family felt it was so important they would get these addresses together. His mom doesn't work and his dad gets off at 1 pm. 

 

I have had so much stress I'm to the point I don't care if these people come or not, but I know I will be the one to hear all the crap if they don't get invites. His parents were supposed to get the address months ago, and now that we need them they don't have them. They told us to go look in the phone book or internet. And not a personal phone book the city phone book. My fiance even asked if they could get their numbers and we will call them and they still are saying look in the city wide phone book.

 

I really don't know what to do. I'm stressed enough, and I want to wipe my hands of the situation, but I realize my fiance will be the one who is hurt. Which his parents don't realize. They think they are hurting me, but its him who they are hurting, and I refuse to look up people in the phone book I barely know, and hope its the right address. Not to mention about 50 percent of the list was of people I don't even know. 

 

Any suggestions? I have no clue what to do. I don't want to just say screw it, and send mine and leave his family out.  

«1

Re: Please help.

  • So don't invite anyone whose address neither you nor your FI know.  Problem solved.  You're making this a much bigger deal than you have to because really, if they're not paying, you didn't have to discuss the guest list with them at all.
    image
  • Do you already have the guests' names? Why can't you get the addresses yourselves? If this is a case of getting a guest list from the parents, then your FI needs to tell them that if he doesn't have the info by X date, then they aren't not going to be invited. If it's someone your FI really wants there, then he needs to get the address himself and make sure they get the invite.
  • I know it's tough but I would just forget about it.  Tensions run high the last month before the wedding and it seems to be when all the drama really hits the fan with family stuff. 

    Honestly, I would stop trying with his parents.  Have your fiance sit down and decide who HE wants to invite, and stop worrying about what his parents want.  Have him look up their addresses himself and leave it at that.  When his parents act upset and offended because more of their famiy was not invited, politely remind them they would not give you the addresses so you had to work with what you had. 

    "Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death" - Unknown
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  • Okay, I read your last post about his family.  It seems like nothing has changed since then, not with them or with how the two of you handle them.  Nostrakuusmus predicts that this relationship will end in tears and debt.
    image
  • image leahkate:
    Do you already have the guests' names? Why can't you get the addresses yourselves? If this is a case of getting a guest list from the parents, then your FI needs to tell them that if he doesn't have the info by X date, then they aren't not going to be invited. If it's someone your FI really wants there, then he needs to get the address himself and make sure they get the invite.

    This 100%. 

  • It's crystal-clear from this post that you are letting all of the parents push you guys around.

    You're assembling the guest list and sending out invites a month before just because your mommy said people would lose them? Really? How is it your problem if people lose your invites? Why would your entire guest list be filled with morons who'd lose a wedding invitation?

    And you should have eloped if you wanted to. Your mistake was giving in to your families, because now they know that they can make demands from you guys and you'll just bend over and take it. They may be rude to demand things from you, but you guys are absolute doormats for putting up with it.

    Where is your fiance in all of this? It doesn't matter if his parents try to blame it all on you - you are not solely responsible for the wedding plans just because you're the bride or the evil daughter-in-law. Your fiance needs to deal with his parents and tell them to leave you alone. Stop trying to spare his feelings and start thinking about why he clearly doesn't give a shiit about yours if he's allowing his family to treat you this way. You need to be #1 in his life, and if that's not the case then bail out of this engagement right this second.

    If you guys are willing to invite their guests then he needs to say, "We can invite # people and we need their full names and addresses by Friday. If we don't have a full name and address then we are not inviting them. No exceptions." If you guys do not want to invite their guests then he needs to say, "We cannot accommodate those people." End of discussion in either case. No arguments, no explanations, no apologies. He needs to set the rules and then walk away/hang up the phone.

    Once they see that you will not bow down to their wishes, they'll either knock off the crap or you guys won't speak anymore (either because they'll ignore you or because you'll cut them from your lives). Remember that THEY are the ones who caused the tension by making demands, so don't think that you need to bend over for them just to keep the peace. They could EASILY keep the peace by not bossing you around. Your fiance is a big boy and he has the power to tell his parents to knock off the crap. Stop worrying about everyone else's feelings and take care of your own, because nobody else is going to do it for you.

    image
  • I wish I could handle them differently, but I have a short fuse. I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such. Maybe I should just invite who we can, but I feel as if I am shorting my fiance that way. 

     Return of Kuus I think your wrong especially about the debt part. I have no debt, and have religiously been taught not to take out loans. Thanks to Dave Ramsey.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    So don't invite anyone whose address neither you nor your FI know.  Problem solved.  You're making this a much bigger deal than you have to because really, if they're not paying, you didn't have to discuss the guest list with them at all.

    Yes

    You're a grown up having your wedding. If they aren't paying for the wedding or contributing, they have no say in who gets invited or how it all goes down. That's my philosophy.

    Where is your FI in all of this?

  • I meant debt from lawyer fees.  I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously, get the family thing under control.  This is the kind of nonsense that ends marriages.
    image
  • image lexusedmondson:
      I feel as if I am shorting my fiance that way.

    Please elaborate. If he cared enough to have these people at your wedding than I can't imagine it is hard for him to contact them and get their addresses. You all are adults and don't need to wait on anyone else to give you information that you are perfectly capable of getting for yourselves.

    From your post, I get the vibe that he only wanted to have this wedding to please his family and not for himself. It sounds like you wouldn't really be shorting him in anyway by not inviting these people to your wedding.

  • image lexusedmondson:
    I wish I could handle them differently, but I have a short fuse. I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such.

    Well, honey, get used to it, because you're going to encounter people like this for your entire life. Your families, coworkers, random people ... so learn a different, more constructive way to deal with all of this, or get used to being a miserable doormat forever.

    I'm really not trying to be mean here, but it's such a lazy cop-out to say, "I wish I could do XYZ differently but I can't." (Wo)man up and do what needs to be done, or if you don't want to change your approach then stop whining about it and accept that it'll always be this way. Your call.

    image lexusedmondson:
    Maybe I should just invite who we can, but I feel as if I am shorting my fiance that way. 

    So, the alternative here is to lay back and let your in-laws treat you like shiit? Because (a) it's not going to end with your wedding, and (b) if your fiance doesn't stick up for you now then he's sure as hell not going to start once he's your husband.

    And the other alternative is to go into debt by hosting people that you can't afford and don't even know? And you have to do all the legwork to get their addresses to meet your in-laws' demands, when they're not giving you any money or any respect? And you're worried about short-changing your fiance? How is THAT fair? He's clearly not worried about short-changing YOU here.

    You need to sit down with your fiance, ASAP, and talk about this. What does HE want? Is he insisting that his parents' guests be invited? How does HE feel about eloping? He needs to tell you what he wants and you guys need to come to a mutual decision on how to handle this. Also, he needs to grow a pair and tell his parents to back off of you, and if you guys both want to elope then you need to do it and own that decision.

    Just make a decision and stand behind it, instead of crying that nobody's being nice to you. Take action rather than complaining.

    image
  • I'm just baffled at how he keeps in touch with these people if he doesn't either have their addresses, or have a way of contacting them through which he could get their addresses.
    image
  • There is no rule that all invites have to be out the same day.  Heck, I had some that went out later than others b/c the calligrapher messed up addresses, etc. 

    Send out the invites to your family  / friends / extended that you have the addresses for.  Also send the invites for your fi's family members that you have addresses for.

    Have your fi look up the addresses for the people he really cares about.  I find it hard to believe that he CANNOT get, for example, his grandma's address by picking up the phone and calling her, or get his aunt's address from his cousin via facebook (even if the cousin is not invited, I'm sure they would provide an address for their mom or dad!).

    If you know vague details (city, full name, approximate date of birth), you can do a zabasearch on the computer.

    My bet is that once the ILS get wind that the invites have been mailed, they will yell at you "for not sending Aunt Irene an invite - HOW DARE YOU?!?"  At that point, your fi can tell them "sorry, we don't have her address, and until we do, we can't magically make an invite appear at her home.  If you would like to provide us with an address, we would be happy to include her." 

    You are allowing the ILS to hold your invites hostage.  Take control.  After all, the world won't cave in if these people with whom your fi never communicates don't get an invitation, so don't worry about it!  And I'll bet money that your ILS will jump on you for any non-invites, at which point you can place the blame entirely on them. 

  • You are too immature to be getting married, and I agree 100% with Kuus


  • If it wasn't for my fiance I would have eloped in Hawaii, but for my fiance and his familes sake we are having a wedding.

    Who is paying?

    If it is you and he, YOUR call. Horse is already out of the bar but you and he should have called the shots on the wedding and when and where, etc. He who writes the checks makes the rules.:)

    Give his parents a deadline for addresses and tell them "If we do not get the addresses by October 15 [or whenever it is] we will not be sending htem an invite."

    And if they come up with nothing by then, too bad. If you snooze you lose.:)

    Blame the October 15 deadline for his family's guest list names on the head count and the chef at the venue; tell them the chef needs to know know how many guests in all are coming or nobody eats.:)

  • image SueBear:

    There is no rule that all invites have to be out the same day.  Heck, I had some that went out later than others b/c the calligrapher messed up addresses, etc. 

    Send out the invites to your family  / friends / extended that you have the addresses for.  Also send the invites for your fi's family members that you have addresses for.

    Have your fi look up the addresses for the people he really cares about.  I find it hard to believe that he CANNOT get, for example, his grandma's address by picking up the phone and calling her, or get his aunt's address from his cousin via facebook (even if the cousin is not invited, I'm sure they would provide an address for their mom or dad!).

    If you know vague details (city, full name, approximate date of birth), you can do a zabasearch on the computer.

    My bet is that once the ILS get wind that the invites have been mailed, they will yell at you "for not sending Aunt Irene an invite - HOW DARE YOU?!?"  At that point, your fi can tell them "sorry, we don't have her address, and until we do, we can't magically make an invite appear at her home.  If you would like to provide us with an address, we would be happy to include her." 

    You are allowing the ILS to hold your invites hostage.  Take control.  After all, the world won't cave in if these people with whom your fi never communicates don't get an invitation, so don't worry about it!  And I'll bet money that your ILS will jump on you for any non-invites, at which point you can place the blame entirely on them. 

    Ditto 

  • image lexusedmondson:

    I wish I could handle them differently, but I have a short fuse. I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such. Maybe I should just invite who we can, but I feel as if I am shorting my fiance that way. 

     Return of Kuus I think your wrong especially about the debt part. I have no debt, and have religiously been taught not to take out loans. Thanks to Dave Ramsey.

    You haev a few choices.  

    1-learn to deal w/your fuse so you can deal w/ them and not tell them off.  

    2-Have your FI learn to deal w/ them

    3-choose not to deal w/ them and invite who you can and feel guilty because you aren't God

    4- choose not to deal w/ them and invite who you can and accept that as only being able to control your own actions.

  • image magsugar13:
    You are too immature to be getting married, and I agree 100% with Kuus

    Responsible adults that are mature enough to get married don't have problems saying No to their parents (your's and his). But I'm guessing your mom wanted you to wait to send the invites until the last minute because she was hoping you'd get a clue at some point.

    But then, you are the one that is he;ll bent on marrying a broke freeloader that can't provide for himself and stand up for himself. And apparently you can't stand up for yourself either. I hope you bother to at least learn from your practice wedding day.

  • image pedantic_wench:
    How old are you?

    Ive asked her the same question in  a previous post...she ignored it.



  • Put all your invites together, stamp them, get them ready for addresses, then count-out how many you are allocating to your soon-to-be in-laws and drop them off. Be gracious. Go to their house WITH your FI, have HIM hand them the stack of invites to HIS parents. Say good luck. Ask for a final list of names so you can track who has RSVP'ed and who hasn't. Smile. Leave.

    It's perfectly fine for your FI to help his parents track down addresses in the phone book. It does not have to be your job.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image lexusedmondson:

    I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such.

    So what you're saying is you have no patience with yourself?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image zitiqueen:
    image lexusedmondson:

    I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such.

    So what you're saying is you have no patience with yourself?

    Either that or she's admitting she isn't a real adult.

  • image lexusedmondson:

    I wish I could handle them differently, but I have a short fuse. I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such. Maybe I should just invite who we can, but I feel as if I am shorting my fiance that way. 


     

    Thats ironic. Adults don't have a short fuse and let it run their lives. So you aren't really acting like an adult if you excuse away your short fuse and continue to act like that. 

  • image IrishBrideND:
    image lexusedmondson:

    I wish I could handle them differently, but I have a short fuse. I have no patience for people who are adults who don't act as such. Maybe I should just invite who we can, but I feel as if I am shorting my fiance that way. 


     

    Thats ironic. Adults don't have a short fuse and let it run their lives. So you aren't really acting like an adult if you excuse away your short fuse and continue to act like that. 

    Thank you.  This is what I wanted to say.  She obviously thinks she's "oh so mature", but really... people who hide behind "this is who I am so deal with it" are immature. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • your DH needs to lay down the law with this. he needs to send an email to both of his parents 'since we are sending the invitations out very shortly we need the addresses for (list names). If we don't have them by (give a date) we will not invite them. We'd like to include the people you asked us to invite but need their addresses from you.'

    If they don't get you the info then they have no one to blame but themselves.

    and let DH do it-NOT YOU!

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  • and learn how to control your 'short fuse'.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • For one thing; We sent out our invitations 5 months beforehand because we didn't do save the dates and June is always a busy month for people. No one lost their invites. Your mom must think all your friends & relatives are idiots.

    For another thing; my then FI (now H) was in charge of getting all names, numbers & addresses for anyone he wanted to invite to our wedding. I was not marrying myself so I was not planing the wedding by myself. So your FI needs to put his big boy pants on and ask his parents one more time for that info. and tell them if he doesn't get that info. by X date that those people are not invited.

  • image leahkate:
    Do you already have the guests' names? Why can't you get the addresses yourselves? If this is a case of getting a guest list from the parents, then your FI needs to tell them that if he doesn't have the info by X date, then they aren't not going to be invited. If it's someone your FI really wants there, then he needs to get the address himself and make sure they get the invite.

    THIS!!!

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