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AW: DH told his mom 'no', and other good stuff (LONG)

So, other than when DH initially told me last week that he was helping out his w/ his parents house instead of working on our house, and I simply reminded him that we were on a deadline, and they weren't, I didn't say a word to him about it.

Early Friday morning, he calls me from work and tells me he really doesn't want to help them move that night, and he's thinking of telling his mom 'no'.

Surprised, I just say "okay...."

Then he explains: between his job, his business, and working on their house, he hasn't seen DD hardly at all, and he really wants to take her to the fair.

I told him that he's right, he hasn't spent much time with DD lately, and if he wants to take her to the fair (last night of the fair that night), then he should.

"But mom's gonna be mad"

"Well, just explain that you haven't been able to spend much time w/ your daughter in a while, and since they aren't on a deadline or anything, offer to help them a different day"

"I just might"

I don't hear from him again until I'm on the way home that evening & he tells me we're going to the fair.

He had told his mom he would come by Sat. morning instead.

She was not happy. Even w/ his explanation. Even w/ her other son & a friend to help them that night, and DH offering to come the next morning, insisted that DH had to be there that night, that she "needed" him, specifically, that no one else would do.

After the first 3 phone calls, he stopped answering her calls. She left him 5 VMs, and called at least a dozen other times while we were at the fair.

He called her back as we were leaving the fair and asked if she still wanted him there in the morning or not. Clearly unhappy, she said she'd get back to him. His dad called him back and said that yes, they'd love his help.

What was really crazy (good) was the next day when we saw them, her attitude toward me, was totally different. Good different. In fact, the only reason I was there is that she asked me to come for "a visit" (NEVER happened before). She gave me a tour of the new house, asked my opinion for decor, etc. Asked how our house was coming. Asked about my party. We all had as nice of a visit as we've had in years. Before we left, she asked about watching DD next week (it's RARE for them to ask, and they usually turn us down if we ask).

I was completely shocked, and while maybe it was a coincidence, it has left me wondering if him finally standing up to her has anything to do with her change in attitude toward me / our family. I suppose only time will tell if it all sticks.

And as for our house? Well, Sunday & Monday I was preparing for, having, then recovering from a medical procedure, that essentially left me out of commission both days, and DH as my caretaker. But... in between taking care of me... he has done more work on our house in 2 days than he has in the past 2 months. I teased him last night & told him I was gonna have to get sick more often if that's what it takes Wink

He said he'd planned on getting more done, but I can't imagine how! When I woke up from my post-anesthesia nap yesterday I couldn't believe how much he'd done!

Yay DH!

Re: AW: DH told his mom 'no', and other good stuff (LONG)

  • Yes Yes  Nice!
    TTC since Oct 2008 Me =43, DH =45 Dx = Intermittant Ovarian Failure, High FSH, DOR Pursuing DE since Oct 2010 PAIF/SAIF welcome. DE IVF 12/10/11, we transferred 2 embryos on day 3, 1 grade A 8 cell and 1 grade A 4 cell. 1st Beta = 890 on 12/23/11. 2nd beta = 10,967 on 12/28/11. 1st U/S 1/11/12 TWINS! Both with 139 hb.

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  • I think the two principles at work are: setting limits with people who like to take advantage is a GOOD THING. Laying off DH is a GOOD THING. The second phenomenon happens at my house too. If I keep asking when something is going to get done, it doesn't get done. When I decide to bite my tongue, he'll do it. I think most guys don't like doing things unless they think it's their idea. ;)

    Oh yeah, I predict your MIL will eventually forget and go back to her old ways...but now you both know what to do when she does. :)

    Kate (& Mark!)

    [img]https://sites.google.com/site/hfbadges/home/26point2.png?attredirects=0[/img]
  • I wish it were as easy as just laying off of him. {{ sigh }}

    We've had the conversation multiple times. If I ask him to do something, he doesn't (as a general rule). Doesn't matter how nicely I ask him, if I ask & then let it go, if I nag, if I ask verbally, put it in writing, etc.

    In fact, in the past if I lay off, and then ask him a week or two later, he says he forgot.

    It's been a major source of frustration in the past, as there are things that I physically can't do, and rely on him to do, and they just don't get done.

    When I asked him how to approach it when I really need him to do something? He said "Sounds like you're stuck between a rock & a hard place."

    Case in point: one time I asked him to run the dishwasher while I was work, explaining that we had no clean plates for dinner, I'm working, he's off. Instead of doing that, he did FIVE loads of laundry. So when I came home from work, and the dishes weren't done, we had to eat off paper plates for dinner. He'd rather do anything than what I ask.

    I honestly think there are some underlying issues relating back to either his mom, or his XW, or both, that he doesn't even realize when he's doing it (among other issues). But since he doesn't see the issue, and he refuses marital counseling... {{ sigh }} What's a gal to do?

    That's where a lot of my frustration & anxiety came from last week, and my surprise & happiness come from this week.

    I really can't be more pleasantly surprised by his recent actions, in more than just these ways. I'm really hoping he's (we've) turned a page.

    Smile
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